Your partner / husband isn't for conversation. This is what your friends are for. Aibu tojust find this so depressing?

[witchofzog]

I am seriously considering whether dp and I have a future. I envisioned my partner being my best friend yet conversation with him often falls flat. I liken it to playing tennis with a statue. I will chat with him, ask him what he thinks about things, tell him snippets from my day (only IF it is funny or interesting) and he will often just give one sentence answers. He isn't a bad person. He just doesn't like to talk as much as I do

I read a thread on here a week or so ago and the general gist was that you should not really expect interesting conversation with your partner as this is what your friends are there for.

Is this really true? If it is then it is incredibly depressing. I always imagined I would end up with someone who I can just chat with while preparing dinner, going for a walk or over a glass of wine in the evening sometimes. Someone who is as interested in me and my thoughts as I am about theirs. Is this really so delusional? Or should I think that I have a good man albeit one who doesn't like to talk to me much, and seek that stimulation from my friends instead?

I can't imagine being with someone you can't have a meaningful conversation with. I remember someone telling me that they never just went to the pub or for dinner with their DP or just for a walk and a chat and it blew my mind.

That said I certainly my have different types of conversations with my friends based on different interests. I also have to admit that with the pressures of young children and work etc it can be easy to just fall into only discussing day to day mundanities and your children and zoning out in front of the telly.

A friend of mine married a man like this, and I've often wondered how they dated/got together (they're divorced now!)
I can usually make conversation with anyone from anywhere about anything (I volunteer with the elderly so have both practice and inspiration depending on the example!) and I felt exhausted just trying to talk to him.

I have no idea how you can tolerate this! It sounds boring as bat shit! And a boring or unfunny man never got me into bed, let alone married! Life is long and hard, why saddle yourself with someone so dull? I've been married over 20 years and my husband is still my favourite person to talk to and have a laugh with.

OP- this was my marriage. BUT, we also had issues similar to you with your ex in that we were too much like buddies and our sex life became non existent.

I’ll never forget the first date with my boyfriend. The whole night passed in a flash because conversation was constant and easy. While married, I dreamed of conversation-filled evenings around campfires, country walks, kitchen/ cooking chats and the kind of sex that only seemed to exist in the movies. I honestly have all of that now, even after the honeymoon phase has long finished! You can have it all; but of course you need to find someone who is matched to you in all those ways.

I started over at 37 because that is still young! You are too. Definitely don’t allow age to come into this. At the end of the day- are you generally happy? If not, why? Is it really about being with the wrong person? Difficult questions that take time to answer! Good luck, OP- I hope with some time and thought you find everything you want in life.

Like I said before, my XH was absolutely my best friend. The one I turned to before all others, the 'sitting up all night with a bottle of wine and then wondering where the time went' one. So when he left, I not only lost my marriage partner, half of my financial income and my rock but my best friend.

Just saying that having all those wonderful things doesn't make you proof against a break up. We used to congratulate ourselves on the fact that if anything started to go wrong with our relationship, we could talk it out. Until the day he decided he didn't want to talk to me, he'd rather talk to other people instead.

Don't mean to put a downer on other people's relationships, but being 'best friends' and able to talk means fuck all when they decide they are off. Yes, my current relationship isn't perfect (or platonic either!), but it's good for me, right now.

I'm really sorry that you're clearly in so much pain, zaphod. I don't think anyone's saying is that being best friends with your partner makes you immune to relationship breakdown. But what you seem to be advocating is making sure that you never have a great relationship because it may end if you do. I'd rather have what I have now knowing it may end (well, it will end, either through divorce or death) than never have it at all.

Bloody hell I can't imagine not being able to talk to my partner and offload about my day (and him be able to offload about his). I spend more time with him than any other adult of course I want to be able to chat with him about big and little things.

Thanks Margaret but I'm actually quite philosophical about it all now. Just warning people that complacency of the 'ooh we can talk about anything is no guard against relationship breakdown.

It's a mistake I learned from.

And there's a lot of men out there who don't do 'chat'. Mine is ASD and just doesn't see the point.

That’s one if the things I miss the most about my dear husband. We used to talk about everything under the sun. I miss him finishing my sentences and knowing what I’m talking about, when I would say something that would be random to someone else, such as me suddenly saying “I was thinking we should paint it blue” and he would know I was talking about painting a room, that we were discussing a few days before. We would share memories about things that happened to us, that would make us laugh or cry together, that would just be a story to someone else. I’m surrounded by people, that I love, but always feel lonely because he’s not here to talk to about random crap and here to tell me how proud he is because my business is doing so well. But I would rather be alone than be married to a man that wouldn’t talk with me, OP. I hope things improve for you. 💐

As an aside I think this has been the nicest aibu I have seen in ages. This is what aibu used to be like.

I have found it heartening to hear all the posters who do have relationships like the one I hanker for. I guess I am scared of starting again just to find this is as good as it gets. I would miss dp like crazy, he is pretty much my family at the moment which muddles things a bit. But we met online dating and the big thing I said on my profile was that I wanted good conversation. I have asked him a few times why he contacted someone who said this when he admits himself he is not a great conversationalist. I said to him that I saw lots of profiles of lovely sounding men where their interests were not compatible with me which is why I didn't contact them/ agree to meet them. But at the same time this is also my own fault for being too scared to take the leap and start all over again

zaphod interestingly I think dp is asd too for lots of reasons.

positively I am so sorry for your loss. He sounded wonderful

Just warning people that complacency of the 'ooh we can talk about anything is no guard against relationship breakdown

No, but then neither is being with someone who doesn’t tick all your boxes. Relationships breakdown for all sorts of reasons, but that’s no reason to settle for someone who doesn’t give you what you want/need.

Following this thread to read later x