Your partner / husband isn't for conversation. This is what your friends are for. Aibu tojust find this so depressing?

[witchofzog]

I am seriously considering whether dp and I have a future. I envisioned my partner being my best friend yet conversation with him often falls flat. I liken it to playing tennis with a statue. I will chat with him, ask him what he thinks about things, tell him snippets from my day (only IF it is funny or interesting) and he will often just give one sentence answers. He isn't a bad person. He just doesn't like to talk as much as I do

I read a thread on here a week or so ago and the general gist was that you should not really expect interesting conversation with your partner as this is what your friends are there for.

Is this really true? If it is then it is incredibly depressing. I always imagined I would end up with someone who I can just chat with while preparing dinner, going for a walk or over a glass of wine in the evening sometimes. Someone who is as interested in me and my thoughts as I am about theirs. Is this really so delusional? Or should I think that I have a good man albeit one who doesn't like to talk to me much, and seek that stimulation from my friends instead?

DH and me talk, about everything. Been together 20 years with a 10 month break inbetween.

we can happily sit in silence for hours doing our own thing in our own thoughts. But we are comfortable with that, as we talk so much we know about each others day, and what's going on, if one of us breaks the silence then we chat away.

I do have other friends too.

When we split, it was me who had a mini breakdown (our marriage was not perfect I don't believe anyone's is) I wanted out, he was devastated but let me go, only we both had nowhere to go to straight away.

we lived separate lives, got under each others feet, argued and name called each other.

But we still talked, we sat in the garden most days, smoking and talking, we talked about our plans for our new lives, we talked about the dc, we talked about what went wrong, we pointed fingers, we laughed and cried.

I know the exact point that I started to reconsider, I had a massive anxiety attack about something, followed by, the just wanting to climb into bed and cry and not get out again. The DC needed getting to school, I needed to be a work ect ect, he came straight home, made me tea and toast left it by my bed, took the DC to school, came back told me to not worry about pick up he'll get them, left my favourite chocolate bars on the bedside table, then left for work.

We are both changed people now, we both (for our own reasons) sort help with our respective issues.

We just never stopped talking, something we still acknowledge now.

I couldn't be with someone I couldn't share my day with or hear about their day, or just talk nonsense.

I think you are mismatched, sorry witch

Gosh no! Not true at all! DH is my best friend and we talk about all sorts! We could talk until the small hours! And used to before the baby came along

witch - thank you. They do bear a startling similarity (although mine won't be 39 quite yet). Depressing to think that there's more than one like this about. But he truly was a man I could talk to about absolutely anything and we'd have riotous and sometimes daft conversations for hours.

DP thinks he's 'off the wall' and has far ranging interests but...he's just not. Very fond of him though. Just can't talk to him.

That's not true! I couldn't live my life with someone I can't have interesting conversation with. If you don't have that friend type chemistry don't marry him, I don't get bored bring around DH far from it, we do also have separate interests and hobbies but still talk to each other about them and pretty much any random crap under the sun from politics to whether there is an ongoing feud between two neighbouring cars, to whether wimpy is really a front door a criminal enterprise (how does it make money??). Christ are DHs just for taking the bins out and conjugal duties...

*cats

FASH since I don't live with my DP, he certainly doesn't take the bins out (or perform any other household duties in my home).

I agree with the person who said, what happens when you’re old. And you’re bits fall off!
Friendship is key to a good relationship it gets you through the tough times.
All the rest goes in waves in my opinion, but friendship sees you through it all

And laughter. Personally I couldn’t be with someone that didn’t make me chuckle

Oh I had this. The kindest man in the world. Sex was great. However, talking to him was exactly like playing Tennis with a statue - it would just fall flat. He was very interested in everything I had to say and wanted me to keep saying things, going out, etc However, he would just smile at me an reply with 'hmm' or 'that's strange, isn't it?'. I tried everything to kill the need for that conversation but I just couldn't. I had been in relationship where there was friendship, lots of conversation, jokes, debates etc and this just couldn't work.

I ended it in the end. We're still friends (not enemies) but I'd rather watch paint dry than spend another minute with him. I'd rather be alone forever than be with a man that I can't enjoy talking with. What will be left when we're old and grey and can't do exciting thing any longer? Not worth it.

I don't know if it's the same threads people have mentioned here but I also read one a few weeks back about a partner who didn't chat. It made me realise how lucky I am that me and my dh can and do have really good conversations about lots of things. We can be rowing over him eating all the bread one minute then I'll say, 'did you read that article in so and so and what do you think' and we will chat about that then go back to squabbling over the bread again when we've finished! I didn't realise that this was important until I'd considered that others maybe don't have this. Upon reflection of it I realised I was lucky and actually it'd be a dealbreaker for me. Conversations and discussing how you both perceive the world and events means you can grow together. I'd never be as open and honest with others as I am with my dh because sometimes you have to work on what you feel and think to work out if you're right or totally out of order. We sort it out together and I trust his judgement.
Op, does he read much or go and see interesting things (films/theatre/etc)? Can you Do stuff that's interesting together so you've something to chat about? That may help and it might improve with practice?

DH never shuts up, occasionally I get a word in.
It was one of the main things what attracted me to him. He's a sociable, life and soul of the party type.
I find really quiet people hard work.

I think insider could be my DP's ex.

What do you do when you've read New Scientist and there's a really interesting article that you want to discuss and he just looks at you blankly and makes a knob joke? Eventually you give up, don't you?

My favourite part of my day is when me and DH just lay in the bed next to each other, fully dressed after putting the kids together and just chat. Sometimes for hours. Last night we had an hour and half long conversation about what superhero we would be in the marvel universe and why!

So are we meant to keep the menfolk for the penis', salary, chores and handyman skills then??

What do you do when you've read New Scientist and there's a really interesting article that you want to discuss and he just looks at you blankly and makes a knob joke? Eventually you give up, don't you?

What attracts you to him? What do you get out of the relationship?

Soy he's kind, he's loyal, he's a dog person (not as common as you'd hope), he's supportive (silently). He enjoys walking and being outdoors, he works hard, he doesn't have previous life baggage, he loves his mum, likes animals, is fair minded and gets on well with my adult kids. He's great in bed too (although outside bed there is absolutely no touching whatsoever, which I think goes hand in hand with the non-talking thing, he's ASD).

So, yeah, he's a nice guy. On paper he's amazing. But he doesn't talk. Now, do you think I should throw all those positive traits away and try to find a bloke who can hold an all night conversation?

Now, do you think I should throw all those positive traits away and try to find a bloke who can hold an all night conversation?

Well for me the lack of conversation would be a deal breaker. So no, I don’t think you should throw all those positive traits away (that’s entirely your call) but I would. I’d be bored out of my brain with someone I couldn’t have a conversation with and it wouldn’t be the relationship for me.

Actually I wouldn’t, as id never have been in a relationship with him in the first place. But we’re all different 🤷🏻‍♀️

Zaphod I've had plenty of platonic friendships end/platonic best friends fuck off or I fucked off. Platonic relationships aren't any more immune to break downs/ups than romantic ones.

My DP has been a far more loyal and supportive friend than any platonic friendship I've had, which is I love him.

I have long conversations with OH all the time, about subjects we find interesting. Sometimes deep/serious, sometimes not. Same with friends - but with female friends there are subjects/jokes touched upon that no way would I discuss with OH. For womens' ears only.

OH is my friend. I can talk to him about any and everything, even tho there are some things I choose not to discuss. I'm in my 50s. It took me until I was 50 to meet the man who is my friend as well as lover - & only then did I realise how much friendship and kindness matters between a couple.

I met him 3 years after relationship with a cold, unfeeling man ended. That one would take pleasure in none or bland responses to anything I said. Showed in all ways, he wasn't my friend

Leave if you want to OP. There's life out there with someone else and I'd never have found it if I stayed with that cold fish.

By the way I'm not suggesting it's nice n easy to move on. It took me 3 years once I'd made the decision. I've never regretted it for a single moment.

Been with my DH for 15 years. We’re best friends.

He’s the one person on the planet I talk most with. Be it important stuff or total shit.

Can’t imagine it a different way.

different people want different things out of their relationships... as long as both parties in the relationship are on the same page about their expectations then YABU to find that depressing as im sure those people will be very happy together.

I am similar to you in that I do want my husband to be my best friend and do talk to him the most out of anyone and in a deeper closer way. Theres nothing I would not talk about with him and I prefer his company to even the closest of my female friends.... and he is the same back to me.
Im well aware however that some people would find that set up invasive and pressured and it would be their idea of a nightmare.

So I think YABU. Its up to the people in a relationship what they want from it and thats not depressing... people are all different!!

I think we’re both introverts. If we have something to discuss, it’s constant, otherwise we have a glass of wine together and never stop!

Run away OP. Run. Away. There is nothing lonelier than a relationship in which you can’t talk.

I speak from experience- spent nearly 4 years with a perfectly nice, decent guy, but conversation was like blood from a stone. I had to put all the effort in as you described and it was draining.

Have been with my fiancé for 5 years. He was my friend first, then became my best friend before we ended up getting together. We talk and talk about everything under the sun and more. Friday night is our ‘dinner out’ night but more often than not we crack open a bottle of wine when we get in from work, then a few hours pass by as we sit on the sofa talking and drinking and by the time we realise the time has passed it’s too late to go out.

I’m so happy that I’m marrying my best friend. I literally wake up beaming sometimes. I’m so greateful every day. I’m telling you now- hold out for it, because when you find it, you will feel like the luckiest and happiest person alive.

Zaphod
The question is not should you throw away the positives. It’s should you stay with someone who doesn’t fulfill your needs.
If he does. That’s fine.
Same for the OP.
It’s the same as mismatched sex drives. Mismatched anything. It’s not about not talking, it’s about if that’s ok with you?