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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Your partner / husband isn't for conversation. This is what your friends are for. Aibu tojust find this so depressing?

113 replies

witchofzog · 19/06/2018 16:28

I am seriously considering whether dp and I have a future. I envisioned my partner being my best friend yet conversation with him often falls flat. I liken it to playing tennis with a statue. I will chat with him, ask him what he thinks about things, tell him snippets from my day (only IF it is funny or interesting) and he will often just give one sentence answers. He isn't a bad person. He just doesn't like to talk as much as I do

I read a thread on here a week or so ago and the general gist was that you should not really expect interesting conversation with your partner as this is what your friends are there for.

Is this really true? If it is then it is incredibly depressing. I always imagined I would end up with someone who I can just chat with while preparing dinner, going for a walk or over a glass of wine in the evening sometimes. Someone who is as interested in me and my thoughts as I am about theirs. Is this really so delusional? Or should I think that I have a good man albeit one who doesn't like to talk to me much, and seek that stimulation from my friends instead?

OP posts:
Original poster
witchofzog · 19/06/2018 16:58

eightfaces no and this is a huge bugbear for me. He does his hobby 2 nights a week minimum so then I eat alone, twice a week we have his kids who are really fussy so they always end up eating nuggets and chips from the chip shop literally straight after I get back from work but I dont like junk food much, and we go out to eat once in the week but the conversation rarely flows. At weekends I usually cook but he wants to usually eat in front of the telly when I have said numerous times that it would be nice to eat at the table and talk to each other

OP posts:
Summersorcherisjustsummer · 19/06/2018 17:01

Op I could say pretty much same thing. The thing is my DH can be very chatty when he wants too.

Its lonely sometimes yes. DH is wonderful in so many other ways though, but it does really rankle me. Its almost like when we have been on holiday he is so more chatty but then back at work he works in reasonable solitude and its like he falls back into not talking.

Original poster
witchofzog · 19/06/2018 17:01

No children together. We do have children but not with each other

I am 40 and wonder if I really have the energy to start again with a new home and eventually a new partner

OP posts:
Blessthekids · 19/06/2018 17:02

My dh is somewhere in between, he isn't my best friend but he is my most trusted confidante. We sometimes have a nice chat but there are also times when he doesn't want to talk and I have to accept that. I can talk for 24 hours although as I've got older I have started to appreciate having quiet moments and silence where we just sit together reading and say nothing. On the whole I'm happy with the balance but every now and again it does annoy me as the gossip I have is so good!

Summersorcherisjustsummer · 19/06/2018 17:02

At least he could make an effort when going out for dinner or things like that. I hate having to launch and carry a convo when eating out or - with friends.

eightfacesofthemoon · 19/06/2018 17:02

It does sound a bit like you’re mismatched. But it is so easy to get lazy about these things. And if you’re a bit tired of life you can end up zoning out in front of the telly. Is it a habit that he could get into again if he wanted to?

Birdsgottafly · 19/06/2018 17:03

I've often said that I wish a lot of Women in my circle would wake up and see that they get more out of their female friendships than their relationship.

Even if he isn't big on conversation, you should be enjoying special moments and having a laugh together.

Your not happy and by the sounds of it, few would be, that needs to be properly discussed and changes need to be made.

HollowTalk · 19/06/2018 17:04

Is he chatty with other people?

Original poster
witchofzog · 19/06/2018 17:04

summer My dp can be chatty too when he wants to be. I have occasionally gone to watch him do his hobby and I was Shock when I witnessed my dp turn into this chatty man who was able to ask people questions and share his experiences on things. I wish he would do this with me

OP posts:
Original poster
witchofzog · 19/06/2018 17:07

Hollow sadly yes. Sometimes he is as mentioned in my post I was typing when you replied.

Can we make the effort more? I don't know. I have asked and asked but it rarely lasts sadly

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 19/06/2018 17:08

The trouble with your DH being your best friend is when he leaves you, you've not just lost your partner but the person you would automatically turn to when something catastrophic (like losing your partner) happens.

We go out for meals and sit in silence. I try to make conversation but just get grunts. Am resigned to it now. In a few years I'll just get my phone out instead - don't think he'll notice.

whiteonred · 19/06/2018 17:10

I have the opposite problem. My husband seems to think that being able to have interesting conversations about the news, or whatever, is the ONLY thing that a marriage needs. Things like knowing who I am, remembering important events in my life, having my back, being on my side, emotional connection, supporting instead of killing my ambition. These things he doesn't do.

But he thinks I should still want to be married to him because we have 'interesting' conversations.

GallicosCats · 19/06/2018 17:10

I'm sorry OP, it doesn't look good. It might be that your relationship is coming to a natural end as you realise you want more in the way of companionship than this man can provide. He's not bad or nasty or abusive, just a bit of a bore, but that doesn't mean you should settle for him.

HollowTalk · 19/06/2018 17:10

The thing is that if you have good conversations with your friends, but he's your best friend then surely you should have the best conversations with him?

When he was chatting just now why didn't you say afterwards, "God, I wish you talked to me like that."?

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 19/06/2018 17:11

I think if you haven't got kids.... This might be a long one. On holiday I watch elderly english people sit in silence with their books.

Original poster
witchofzog · 19/06/2018 17:11

Zaphod I feel sad for you because you sound so frightened of getting hurt again that you have settled for a man who doesn't give you what I suspect you need. We are a right pair you and I

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 19/06/2018 17:13

I’ve been with my DH 13 years. We talk about everything. I love it - he is my best friend 100% and he says I’m his. That’s not to say we can be all things to one another - I have other friends I share other interests with and that’s very important to me too.

LagunaBubbles · 19/06/2018 17:13

I couldnt be with someone who didnt talk to me, partners are friends to and communication is the key to a relationship. Otherwise whats the point? Confused

SoyDora · 19/06/2018 17:14

Zaphod he isn’t my only friend, I have plenty of friends I talk to about all sorts of things.
What made you fall in love with your partner if you don’t converse?

MargaretCavendish · 19/06/2018 17:15

TBH - and only you know your relationship, so take with a pinch of salt - I think if he can be chatty but not with you that's not a great sign. With my ex I knew it was done when I realised that I saved up my funny stories/observations/musings to share with other people because it seemed almost a waste to be at my best with him (I know, it was a horrible thing for me to think). I've been with DH for much longer than I was with ex, but I don't feel the same way about conversation with him - he's still the person in the world that I most want to charm! Obviously we can never be our best selves with our partners all the time - we spend too much time with them for that - but if they're never the person we make most effort with then that is, in my view, a shame.

DinosApple · 19/06/2018 17:17

The guy I was with before DH was like this. If we went out for dinner it would be silent. Conversation would be forced.

I also had seen how happy my DB was having met someone on the same wavelength as him and I knew I wanted that in my own relationship too. I split up with ex fiance and met DH.

He is one of my best friends and we always have something to talk about. We share a mutual hobby so that helps.

Don't get me wrong I still love chatting with my female friends, but I'm so glad I can do it with DH too.

speakout · 19/06/2018 17:17

Conversation is hugely important to us.
We don't get much chance, and neither of us are one for chitter chatter, but we love a meaty debate.

Best part of the week- and I know he looks forward to it too.

wrenika · 19/06/2018 17:19

My partner is my best friend. I wouldn't have it any other way.

SarahH12 · 19/06/2018 17:21

YANBU my DP is my best friend. Before I got with him I couldn't understand people who said they married their best friend. I'm so glad I didn't marry the last guy. Now I'm with DP I can't imagine being with someone/ marrying them and having DC with them if they weren't also someone I could chat to.

We chat about anything and everything tbh. We go through quiet periods but on the whole we talk a fair amount.

Sorry you're feeling this way OP. Are you sure he's the one you want to be with?

DiegoMadonna · 19/06/2018 17:22

I would love a combination of the 2 men but I am not sure he exists

I'm sorry but I think most people do have this combination with the people they marry. I mean, most good relationships anyway. I know mine does.

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