To get the rage at some people’s obsession with labelling themselves?

[gimmestrengf]

I’m a medical professional with a very particular neurology niche which I write about and practice in.

It’s one of these topics which has become popularised recently and the popularised version of it attributes labels to people and puts people in certain neuro boxes or categories. If I try and think of a well-known equivalent, I would say it’s a bit like astrology where you can be a Taurus or a Libra or any of the other “sun signs”, and there are personality profiles and they’re associated with different traits and looks and types.

I have written a few papers and been featured in some articles about it too.
Also due to research, my home is full of books relating to the specialism and there are little hints of it everywhere, purely because it has been such a huge part of my working life.

Whenever anyone - family, friend, acquaintance, stranger, workman - comes over to my house or sees any part of that life or that I do what I do, they ALL say, “oh, you MUST tell me about me...”

I shared a really important piece of research regarding the topic on social media the other day, and all the comments from people I knew were “you need to do me - you’ve never checked me.”

I wrote about it in a journal last year, and the response over text and email from friends was “why won’t you test me? I need that done.”

I won an award five years ago and guess what my family and friends response was? “Oh, you won it for that thing you do? I need you to do me sometime.”

It’s treated like some kind of party trick and not my job or something for people who have quite serious problems. At weddings people bring it up. The last wedding I went to someone said “gimme strengf diagnoses X conditions.
Go round the table and tell us all what we are. Come on! It’s so and so’s wedding day!”

It drives me completely mad that people’s first response to something which is actually quite complex to diagnose, often inaccurate and defining it is actually only relevant to certain people with much bigger problems my friends can imagine is: “ME. What about me? What type am I? What category am I in? can you just take a quick guess? Go on -I’m your friend/relation/builder. But you see me every day! Surely you must have noticed what type I am?”

I’ve had friends be upset with me for not examining them, or after a few drinks at a party drunkenly imply I am withholding information about them like a power trip. One friend stole some of my textbooks off my shelf to try and diagnose herself and then presented me the next week with various pages bookmarked where she had tried to narrow her “type” down and wanted me to confirm yes or no.

Another filled in one of these popular internet questionnaires about the topic and sent me 6 screen shots of her answers over wats app, and said she was confused about her “result,” and posed it like it was some intellectual question and she’d already done most of the legwork for me and I just had to say yes or no, X or Y. Another friend after doing something similar now uses a hastag on all social media posts after self diagnosing her type. For eg, the astrology equivalent would be #libra #libragoals #libralife #thelibrastruggle #librasurvivor #libradiagnosis

From strangers and people I meet in a functional way I get “I bet you’ve already seen what i am haven’t you? I’m a type A aren’t I? Funnily enough we always suspected old aunt jean was a type A. It’s An interesting story actually. Oh that’s a funny face! Must be a bad thing then. Is it bad?”

I know it is normal human curiosity. I know it is the fault of popularised science that people see quite complex, pathological things as fitting neatly into types and boxes and having some personal relevance to them, but it is so self absorbed.

I am kind and friendly about it on the surface. I try and help people if I can. In the past and in the beginning when I had more tolerance for it, I would actually make a few educated guesses with disclaimers when asked questions, but guess what? It’s not that easy and it would never stop there. “But surely i’m not bordering on A? I don’t fit the (google/Wikipedia) description of that type at all. I always thought I was B. Why am I A and not B? Did I tell you about great uncle sammy who always did X?”

But it makes me internally bang my head against the wall about humanity, the complete and utter self obsession of it all. And even worse, even if people are completely self obsessed, that they are not self aware enough to try and tone it down?

Imagine if the only response your best friend or family members ever had to your lifelong career achievements was “but what about me? You must tell me about me!”

To me this is my life’s work. It tires me and frustrates me and it is terribly under researched and inaccurate and not like the popular version at all. I tell people that but it doesn’t put them off. And I know that all I am ever going to get for the rest of my life from people I know is “please tell me what I am.”

I’m looking really, to know whether AIBU. But also to understand more what gets my goat about this so much. Would it bother you if that was all people were ever asking you for?

Imagine if the only response your best friend or family members ever had to your lifelong career achievements was “but what about me? You must tell me about me!”

What response do you want people to have to your complex, niche area research? You’re a published award winning professional - I imagine folk might feel quite intimidated by you and want to find a way to connect. You’ve said you’re very able to say no and set boundaries which is great but I honestly don’t get the level of irritation. There’s a certain irony in complaining that people are so self absorbed they don’t recognise your life long career achievements in a way that’s acceptable to you.

Hi All

I really appreciate how kind you are being because you think that I am complaining about people asking me professional questions outside of work. That's not what my AIBU is about, but thank you for being kind and relating your own experiences which are very interesting.

I am frustrated by people's keenness to be labelled or establish a label for themselves. From what I've seen amongst friends and family, it sometimes becomes a single-minded obsession to know which label they have to the point that they expose an extreme of self absorbed behaviour that I think this kind of area tends to bring out in people and is depressing to witness. I find it very weak-charactered to automatically turn everything back into how it is relevant to you. Maybe it's a smaller version of reading about the overcrowded refugee ship from Africa out at sea and taking days to dock somewhere that would accept the refugees, and immediately - without reflection - wanting to tell the story about how you were once on a luxury cruise and it was too stormy to get into the port, so you had to stay an extra night outside of Monaco.

The research I post on social media is often something in the Science news (i.e. I have shared it, not written it myself, but think it's important and should be read more widely - so not blowing my own trumpet or anything like that.)

I am being very abstract about what it is deliberately because yesterday I lost it at a group of friends about this exact same thing when one of them brought it up, and I told them I thought they were completely self absorbed. And that prompted me to write about it on MN to see if I was wrong, or just something that people accepted about others.

I just accept it as a common trait in human nature. Some people go the whole hog and try to make it wholly about themselves but I think in the main most people are just idly musing without wanting to define themselves in such black and white 'labelled' terms. You do, however, sound incredibly highly strung about it and it might be to your benefit to let them just get on with it. The onus is not on you to attempt to change or police people's obsession or fascination with labelling themselves.

I just accept it as a common trait in human nature.

This ^

OP, you've compared it to astrology, which exists and is in the newspaper etc because it allows people to label themselves. Labeling themselves is what people like to do, it helps them understand where they fit in the tribe, it's why it's a massive money spinner. From MBPT to Belbin's team roles, people love finding boxes. Trying to find personal reference for something to understand it is what humans do. It is something people just accept about others.

I'm surprised anyone with a career in psychological matters wouldn't understand this, and be fairly zen about it.

Neurology tends to be about objective diagnosis, rather than the subjective labeling you're describing, though, so I still don't understand. No one asks a neurologist at a dinner party 'label me as epileptic or having MS!'

I think you likely owe your group of friends an apology.

I think posters detailing their experiences of being asked professional questions out of work are relevant to your questions OP.

You wanted to know our views on people commonly making everything relevant to them, in a self absorbed "What about me" fashion. You're being rather dismissive of posters views on human behaviour.

You've also attempted to dumb your knowledge down by using an analogy of Star Signs which is slightly patronising.

Your work is clearly of use for certain types of people. Those with serious issues, where their traits are seriously impacting their life.

Friends and family are naturally curious about themselves and are influenced by the popular culture of Labelling Everything, defining people by labels and attempting some amateur psychology themselves for a bit of fun.

Most of us have agreed that it's daft how labels for complex psychological conditions are touted about so freely with little understanding or actual diagnosis.

I think you find this insulting as it's disregarding the complexity of your work. Sorry, but perhaps try to "get over yourself" a bit?
Deflect their requests with humour or launch into a lengthy lecture on the complexity of your research, pull out a copy of Science News at parties and read the article aloud. Hopefully they'll be bored to tears and wander off to the bar.

I don't actually see much wrong with saying "Well I'll make an educated guess that you're X, although it's far more complicated than that, most people are a complex mixture" to anyone asking in a social setting.

All I can think is that you feel upset that they're not giving your work the reverence that it's due? You want a deeper admiration and respect for whatever reason.
That's my armchair diagnosis anyway

People like to belong to a tribe hence the self-labelling. You see it on here all the time "I've found my people".

OP - I totally get you. People don’t like to think of themselves as ordinary. They like to think of themselves as having/being something interesting and special enough to have a label.

Someone needs to come up with a buzzword to describe people who like having a buzzword to describe themselves.

I think the astrology metaphor has confused some people
OP I'm intrigued at your speciality, not in a ME ME ME way

From what I've seen amongst friends and family, it sometimes becomes a single-minded obsession to know which label they have to the point that they expose an extreme of self absorbed behaviour that I think this kind of area tends to bring out in people and is depressing to witness. I find it very weak-charactered to automatically turn everything back into how it is relevant to you.
Aren’t you the epitome of charm.

Weak characters of someone to try and find relevance for themselves in what sounds like a pretty specialist area of work? Self absorbed to try and understand themselves in the light of your specialism?

Yes, people like labels. It explains phenomena they might experience on some level, helps them find their place and may give them a feeling of specialness. And some people really do think there’s something not quite right with themselves and look for answers to understand why they experience the world as they do. Most people see the world from their own stand point, so it’s no surprise that they’ll try to make sense of something complex or challenging by finding something that feels similar within their own frame of reference. If you can’t understand that about people perhaps your friends aren’t the ones who are self absorbed.

Maybe finding some empathy for people, some human connectedness to their experience might help you be less depressed by others behaviour. Again I have no idea what kind of response you want from people around you to your life’s work?

"Wow, OP, your work sounds so interesting, you are amazing. But I'm not interested enough to relate it to my own experience, or try and engage with you on a personal level. I'll just stand here and admire you on what you've done."

Just bookmarking in case OP elaborates more, I’m intrigued!

Yep, that sounds like the sought after response flakesaretasty

I can see OP's point. Among some social groups, certainly, itis desirable to have some sort of 'special feature' - especially one you can milk for attention, extra privileges, or an excuse not to pull your weight.

But there is an overall degree of encouragement in mainstream media/culture for people to be utterly self-obsessed; unable to discuss or think about anything much if it doesn't relate to them (or to a celebrity) and to whine and attention-seek rather than just getting a fucking grip.

I can also see how annoying it must be to anyone who has spent years studying a specialism of some kind and see it spread all over the media in a distorted, idiot-friendly and perhaps even dangerously inaccurate version of itself.

And I'm another writer, and I know exactly what the writer PPs mean about people insisting on boring us with their life stories or demands to be introduced to publishers and agents...

Really? As a medical profession with a specialisation in neurology you don't understand why people feel the need to attribute labels to themselves?

My understanding (very basic) is that human brains are wired to categorise and stereo-type. That whenever we encounter anything we try to understand it and to fit it into our bigger picture understanding of the world. So people trying to understand themselves is the very expression of the neurology of the brain surely?

Surely the research in your niche area only developed because someone was interested in categorising human behaviour in someway?

And given your vagueness about whatever area is your niche on a public forum known for its members desire to dig a bit and wannabe detectives - I'm not really sure what you wanted to achieve here. But I don't think it was an intellectual stimulating discussion about human nature and labels and their attributive effects.

But maybe my moon is rising in venus or something like that today and I'm feeling a bit grumpy.

Really? As a medical profession[al] with a specialisation in neurology you don't understand why people feel the need to attribute labels to themselves? This surprises me, too. Plus what the OP describes sounds more psychology than neurology.

But I wouldn't understand, being a pleb, and bow before OP's mighty knowledge, while not expressing too much interest.

OP I think people are responding in ways you didn't intend because you're not being very clear about what precisely it is that is bugging you. Partly you seem to have an issue with people wanting a label - which I've noticed too, but partly you're annoyed that people are self-centred - they turn the conversation subject back to themselves.

To be honest, I think pretty much everyone does the second, to some extent. I don't know if you've ever had a conversation with someone who reveals absolutely nothing of themselves, but it's very uncomfortable - almost more of an interview. Surely that's how conversations work? People bring their own perspective and insights?

Maybe she understands just fine but still finds it very frustrating

We live in a very individualistic society- people are self-obsessed. Perhaps that's why we have A 'I' B U.

On the positive side, people are asking you about your work and are interested in trying to apply it somehow. On the negative side they want to focus it on themselves.

Personally I would say "I'm more interested in ill individuals so don't really analyse friends/family" but it sounds like you already know what to say!

It might be better to discuss your research with other academics who are less likely to try to apply your research to themselves or try to label themselves.

Have you considered that there could be some sort of bias that people see you and think of 'the topic' and can't think of anything else to say to you so focus on that topic? They may not actually be interested in being labelled by you. If I met someone and I knew they were really into astrology then I might to humour them say 'oh I am a X, what do you think of that? Do you think I am typical X' I have absolutely no interest in astrology but if I know that is what they are into I would talk to them about that. Same with internal car mechanics. I don't think about them from one month to the next but when I see my mechanic we talk about carborettas, spark plugs and oil filters. They might not all be genuinely interested but they know you are and so that is the conversation they have with you. From our conversations my mechanic might think that all I am interested in is what is wrong with my car whereas 99.95% of the time it doesn't enter my mind.

Hmmm.
I do sympathise, OP.
However, in the gentlest possible way, I wonder whether you might examine very honestly what precisely bothers you about it?
Is it, in part, that in relating your research to themselves in a less nuanced way than you feel it deserves, they don't take your very successful scientific investigation seriously enough?
And is that, at bottom, relating it back to you...?

see it as important from a science/humanity perspective for people with severe problems, not as an open door for normal functioning people to relate it directly to themselves.

This perspective interests me. I think medical disciplines, including psychiatry and neurology, are, as a rule, often particularly invested in attempting to delineate "normal" and "not normal". Personally, I can't think of an area in which this is not at the very least highly debatable. Can we relate the sadness and lack of motivation we all feel at times to "depression" in any way? Does understanding of one aid understanding of the other? Who decides where the line is drawn (the DSM, usually, which is acknowledged by most in science as largely invalid scientifically)? Psychosis. Personality disorders. Autism. You name it - all can arguably be related on some level (experientially and scientifically) to what you term "normal" functioning. In that sense, I think you're being unfair.
Having said that, I think they should let you get on with your work in peace if that's what you ask them to do.

Plus what the OP describes sounds more psychology than neurology.

Could be cognitive science then? That's pretty niche.

To be honest OP, we label everything. That's the whole concept between social constructionusm. We give names to ourselves, places, objects, concepts and so on. We categorise everything.

I get it's frustrating for you, but sometimes labels help people. They feel reassured that there are others out there like them.

(But as someone who got half way through qualifying as a psychologist, I understand what it's like and sympatjise with PP when people ask you to assess them, or assume you already have. Hence I say I'm a statistical analyst and make no mention of my background. My DF told people he was a telephone engineer and not that he developed mobile phone network technology so that they'd stop asking him about their mobiles!)