In not seeing this as help but criticism!

[veggifriedbreakfast]

Dp is always saying I'm "sensitive". I need to find the thing that "I'm going to do" in a way that's really good and professional (my job doesn't count) and is always trying to help.

I did a degree in design, the whole way through he regularly told me how awful I was at it, I got my degree and now don't work in the field, I teach instead.

I also play the flute. I struggle a bit with rhythm but it's something I'm trying to work out myself and I'm slowly getting there. I've been play g flute about 2 years and do fairly good on it. I enjoy it.

To just now, I'm sat playing and dp comes out and goes "I like that one you were just playing" so I said "Yea I'm just trying to learn it by heart so am going over sections"

This then leads onto him "helping" me by trying to get me to walk and play to "relax" then tell me to just focus on one part (which I was doing) and then going on to say "why can't you just play your own, if you were on a ship somewhere and didn't have any music books then what would you do? You should just learn the flute by yourself. I don't see how when you know a lot of the notes that you can't just play any tune"

Am I sensitive? I feel pissed off, he makes music and can pick up any instrument and just play it, I'm not that way inclined and struggle a little more. I'm so fed up of being told I'm not creative enough, even though he says he wasn't saying this (but has said it in the past when having a go at me asking me where my art is)

It got a little heated because I just wanted to play the flute without the input, I was enjoying it and feel like he's just come out to tell me how better to do it yet again.

He stormed off saying that I said I was struggling and he was trying to help. I didn't see any help there.

Any way, I don't think I've explained well enough. I don't even feel like I want to play the dam thing anymore because he's listening to me not being creative as he also said the reason I can't do it is because of the same reason I can't dance

He’d get a cheerful middle finger from me op. I honestly wouldn’t take any kind of remark like that from any man unless I’d actually asked for feedback.

Criticism isn’t constructive unless asked for.

Well who died and made him king of the world

King of the world is exactly it. I'm left sitting her fuming. I rarely do things around him and this is the reason why. Feeling deflated.

When he starts 'helping' don't put up with it! Nip it in the bud. Be more assertive.

He's stopping you doing things, is he usually controlling or are his intentions good?

He probably genuinely thinks he's being helpful. But it isn't helpful. When you're still taking tentative steps, what you need is someone to encourage and to point out what you're doing well. Bit like improving children's behaviour - you get far further by praising for the 10% that they do well rather than scolding about the 90% they're not yet doing.

I think you'll have to keep flute playing as something you do when he's not in earshot.

And you only have to do things to "professional" standards if you're selling them. If you're doing it for your own enjoyment, you only have to do it to the best of your ability. Or not even that. You need to keep the effort you put in commensurate with the fulfillment you get out.

You do sound quite sensitive but he sounds patronising. The sort of things he’s saying are the sort of things I would expect a slightly overbearing parent to say to a teenager rather than a conversation between equal partners. Is there an age gap here? Is that why he thinks he can talk down to you?

@midnight nipping it in the bud results in a fight about my moodiness and sensitivities. In response to your question. I think quite controlling. But I'm still lost, my friend sent me a link a while back about c how they control, he ticked a fair few boxes.

My husband is like this too, OP. Annoying good at everything!

I don't think they say things nastily, they just pick things up straightaway and can't/won't understand how others can't.

@loonoo he's 16 years older. And I never knew that when I got with him. He lied about his age. I found out when it was far too late.

I did a degree in design, the whole way through he regularly told me how awful I was at it, I got my degree and now don't work in the field, I teach instead.

What a horrible man. He sounds nasty.

Would it help to say, 'Thanks Dad' when he starts?

He sounds like an absolute dick.

It sounds controlling to me. Listening to your partner tell you how bad you were whilst working towards your degree must have been draining. I would expect more support from an OH. Does he do anything that makes you feel positive about your achievements ?

That sort of explains it. When you got together you were younger and less experienced so probably deferred to him when he spoke —patronisingly— authoratively to you. As you have got older, more experienced and more confident In your own opinions it is becoming more irritating. The power dynamic is shifting. Some counselling (couples or personal) might be helpful. In the meantime, have fun playing the flute whilst he isn’t around.

@sue honestly. No. I home school ds. The fact he's reading has nothing to do with me apparently because ds did it himself. The fact I teach from home is thanks to him apparently because he pushed me to apply for jobs (laughable) my degree I was told how shit I was at it. The flute, well you see here. Then he sits telling me I need to do something with my life.

@loonoo I was 19 when we got together. He wouldn't go for counselling unfortunately. Far too good for that.

Honestly, why don't you leave him? He is constantly undermining you and chipping at your confidence.

And I can tell from his comments about music that he's one of those smug tedious types who feels the need to be an 'expert' on everything so just makes things up (and shows up how thick as shit he is to anyone who does know the subject as a result).

You did a degree in something, qualified and have a DH who tells you how bad you are at it? I appreciate that some people are sensitive but he sounds like he needs to be stood up to.

in the past when having a go at me asking me where my art is This is rude. Patronising, pretentious, rude and not something I'd accept from another adult. Where your art is? Ask him where his manners are. Tosser.

I am beginning to get it straight in my head that I need to leave. Its been about two months now and everyday I just think if this is what I want to grow old like. I'm only 26 and feel so trodden. Right now I have a wash of extreme tiredness come over me. I'm just fed up.

Everyone sounds crap when they are practicing. Even concert pianists get stick from horrible neighbours in the Daily Mail

Tell him to bugger off and find something useful to do, or 'thanks Dad' like above when he starts. Tell him you need to find your own way.

Id be telling him that life is about the journey, not the destination. So taking pleasure in practising and mastering a piece of music is more important than the final result. And he is spoiling your journey by being so judgemental. And mansplaining.

what exactly has he achieved that makes him Boss Hogg ?

Then he sits telling me I need to do something with my life

This is not helpful to anyone, even if they do need to do something with their life.

What does he do?

Based on my own experience of being with an older man I'm now generally suspicious of them. As well as the prospect of a younger body to fondle I strongly suspect that for a lot of them they love having someone to lord it over, someone to wow with their superior experience and intellect. Sad really.

He's a bully, trying to keep your confidence low so you'll allow yourself to be schooled by him.