In not seeing this as help but criticism!

[veggifriedbreakfast]

Dp is always saying I'm "sensitive". I need to find the thing that "I'm going to do" in a way that's really good and professional (my job doesn't count) and is always trying to help.

I did a degree in design, the whole way through he regularly told me how awful I was at it, I got my degree and now don't work in the field, I teach instead.

I also play the flute. I struggle a bit with rhythm but it's something I'm trying to work out myself and I'm slowly getting there. I've been play g flute about 2 years and do fairly good on it. I enjoy it.

To just now, I'm sat playing and dp comes out and goes "I like that one you were just playing" so I said "Yea I'm just trying to learn it by heart so am going over sections"

This then leads onto him "helping" me by trying to get me to walk and play to "relax" then tell me to just focus on one part (which I was doing) and then going on to say "why can't you just play your own, if you were on a ship somewhere and didn't have any music books then what would you do? You should just learn the flute by yourself. I don't see how when you know a lot of the notes that you can't just play any tune"

Am I sensitive? I feel pissed off, he makes music and can pick up any instrument and just play it, I'm not that way inclined and struggle a little more. I'm so fed up of being told I'm not creative enough, even though he says he wasn't saying this (but has said it in the past when having a go at me asking me where my art is)

It got a little heated because I just wanted to play the flute without the input, I was enjoying it and feel like he's just come out to tell me how better to do it yet again.

He stormed off saying that I said I was struggling and he was trying to help. I didn't see any help there.

And what does he do that's so absolutely fantastic. Sounds like a knob to me. I would be having a very frank discussion about how he makes you feel and if he can't realise and adjust his behaviour then I would be out of there. Life is too short.

Get your plan sorted and prepare to LTB.
Perhaps post on the Relationship board? Lots of super advice and support.

You and your DS deserve better. It won’t be long until he starts picking away at your son

he's 16 years older. And I never knew that when I got with him. He lied about his age. I found out when it was far too late

When did you find out - when you married him

TBH, if you decide to LTB, then take legal advice to make sure you know what to expect and check you have your ducks in a row before you start.

OP he sounds like my dad, and he wasn't a good dad either (I no longer see him at all), but at least he was my dad and not a supposed equal partner!

All this slapping you down and picking holes in everything you do will be having a long-term effect on you, making you anxious and exhausted. You're 26! There's so much out there waiting for you - I don't just mean in terms of relationships (though I'm sure there you can have a nicer man than this if you choose) but your career, passions, hobbies and whatever you want to do, when you're not held back by Mr Superior.

You know why he's being like this don't you? - because underneath it all is a terrified baby who's scared he's not good enough, so he has to slap you down and assert his superiority all the time to feel better. That's what he's using you for. It's probably also why he was drawn to you to start with, as a 19yo he could boss around.

You don't have to have this life.

He's releasing music that he makes on the computer, he's very good at it and it's going really well for him.

Even if I do need to do something with my life, at the moment I feel that's a right kicker, when I'm the one who is raising ds, doing his homeschooling working and running the home. Yes he works, but he comes home and does music. Which is where he is now. Then when I do find an hour to play some flute as I'd love to play on stage one day (haven't told him this because of how he is) I get that kind of response...

He's releasing music that he makes on the computer, he's very good at it and it's going really well for him

hardly the same thing OP... tell him he's being a Dick and to let you practice on your ACTUAL instrument of music

omg you're HOME schooling too .. tell him to PISS OFF

The only thing he does well is put you down. And he does that to keep you in your place, which is under his thumb. He is a deeply unpleasant individual and you need to end it - your confidence will blossom when you have got this man out of your life.

@gemini I am and I just feel really unappreciated!!

He lied about his age. I found out when it was far too late

Far too late for what? It's never too late to sort this out. You're only 26. Have something to post that may help you:--

Check out this Dr Christiane Northrup's work. I have recently discovered her myself. She worked in OB/GYN for 20 years and advocates for women's issues. She has done a lot of work with sick and tired women whom she is convinced have been made sick by a controlling toxic partner. She was too much of a giver/pleaser herself once.

She has written several books. It might be worth starting with "Dodging Energy Vampires."

Check out her videos on youTube. She specifically mentions how these types made you feel very tired. A sure sign they are draining on your wellbeing

She says the cognitive dissonance you are living with will make you ill.

Please do something about this before you end up sick with serious illness like I did.

You or Them: Reclaiming Your Health From Energy Vampires Before It's Too Late

Take care of yourself OP.

You have come to the only sane conclusion - you need to leave.

He’s a horrible man who will treat you like this, and worse, for the rest of your life if you stay. He will also start on your DS and that will be really horrible.

He’s wrong on so many counts and he will destroy your self esteem and zest for life if you stay with him.

Be strong - you can do it for you and for DS.

Yes OP.. he's draining the bloody life out of you my lovely...

I feel a bit in the middle on this one. I do a lot of coaching and mentoring in a creative field - not music - and think that people who teach themselves will often spend a long time going round in circles and/or off at tangents. Being taught properly can really help.

This doesn't mean that your husband should take on the role of teacher. It's more that if you get proper tuition it is easy to get someone to back off. Because then you go, 'Thanks for your input, but my teacher says....' Or 'My teacher is very pleased with my progress.'

This might be a bit of a red herring but perhaps the home schooling also adds to your claustrophobia and frustration. If your child went to school, it would be easier for you to go out - and perhaps earn money. If you have a life outside the home, it'd be easier to get a perspective on your husband's good and less-good qualities.

LTB. Run for the hills, take your flute, your child and your art with you.

Then you'll discover that you're probably far more creative and talented than he is, but at the m9ment he's stifling you. He's doing it because he thinks that you might actually turn out better than him and then he won't be king any more.

Let him be king on his own.

@absolute thank you, I will give her a look. I never realised feeling tired was so directly linked until just now when I realised that after it again I feel like I want to sleep... But he always complains how tired I am like there's a problem with me. Thank you again for the link and advice

So this guy is much older than you. He lied about his age, clearly realising you wouldn't have been interested if he'd been honest with you.

You did your degree and he belittled you.

You are home educating your child and he's belittling you.

You're learning to play an instrument and he's belittling you.

When you dance, he belittles you.

By home educating and not being married, you have given up any chance of financial independence and a career. Can you see that this wasn't a wise move with a partner like this?

You were 19 when you met him, 26 now. You've grown up a hell of a lot in this time. He was 35 when you met him, 42 now. In all those years he's tried to stamp on you - on your learning, your creativity and your motherhood.

It's time to end it, OP. You need to leave him and if possible use regular schooling for your son and find yourself work that fulfils you. Oh and keep on playing the flute. Go dancing. Don't listen to a word this man says again.

@Jennie no claustrophobia on my part, we have friends that we see and were out at least once a day, swimming or the park or library...

I agree home schooling may not be the best thing for now (though I realise there may be circumstances that mean it is). If DS can go to school, that's a free provision that frees up time for you to have a career, time for yourself etc. It may also help to give to a network of other parents / mums who can support you.

Did DP want you to home school?

@hollow you nailed it and made me cry... Seems so evil. I wish I never met him at 19. Gosh I was so stupid.

I'm only 26 and feel so trodden. Right now I have a wash of extreme tiredness come over me. I'm just fed up

You need to make a battle-plan to sort this out before you get so down-trodden you won't find the will or energy. Do it before you become ill.

First of all do The Freedom Programme that is recommended so much on here.

Then, start thinking of ways of deflecting his nonsense while you make your escape plan. You don't need to take any of the shit he says on board at all. His opinions have nothing to do with who you really are. Start tuning him out and don't even bother to argue with him. You are wasting your precious energy and giving him the attention that you need to spend on you. So long as he hooks you into these pointless debates, you are being drained. He is obviously a master manipulator, but now you see him for what he is, you'll get wise to his tricks.

@msjingly yes he did. And then moans and tells me how I'm not doing good enough at that either. But I know I am. Ds is reading, struggles with maths but we're getting there and loves science, he has good art and is complimented by people about how smart he is.

@absolute I've been thinking for a while now that I need all the debts paid (which are all in my name typically) and then I'm going. I can't do it anymore

why can't you just play your own, if you were on a ship somewhere and didn't have any music books then what would you do?

This is such a pathetic argument on his part. Such a likely scenario and such an important thing to worry about.

It's so pathetic, you should laugh really. Hard to believe he's the age he is.

@absolutely my friend I have who has said to me for a while about him and has really opened my eyes said exactly the same thing as you, that he doesn't seem to act the age he is

I agree with Hollow too. It sometimes takes an outsider to tell you how it is. When you're in the middle of it, it's hard to see the woods for the trees.

I think the reason you're questioning yourself and wondering if you're sensitive is because he's chipped away at your confidence and belittled you for a long time now.

You deserve better than this.