In not seeing this as help but criticism!

[veggifriedbreakfast]

Dp is always saying I'm "sensitive". I need to find the thing that "I'm going to do" in a way that's really good and professional (my job doesn't count) and is always trying to help.

I did a degree in design, the whole way through he regularly told me how awful I was at it, I got my degree and now don't work in the field, I teach instead.

I also play the flute. I struggle a bit with rhythm but it's something I'm trying to work out myself and I'm slowly getting there. I've been play g flute about 2 years and do fairly good on it. I enjoy it.

To just now, I'm sat playing and dp comes out and goes "I like that one you were just playing" so I said "Yea I'm just trying to learn it by heart so am going over sections"

This then leads onto him "helping" me by trying to get me to walk and play to "relax" then tell me to just focus on one part (which I was doing) and then going on to say "why can't you just play your own, if you were on a ship somewhere and didn't have any music books then what would you do? You should just learn the flute by yourself. I don't see how when you know a lot of the notes that you can't just play any tune"

Am I sensitive? I feel pissed off, he makes music and can pick up any instrument and just play it, I'm not that way inclined and struggle a little more. I'm so fed up of being told I'm not creative enough, even though he says he wasn't saying this (but has said it in the past when having a go at me asking me where my art is)

It got a little heated because I just wanted to play the flute without the input, I was enjoying it and feel like he's just come out to tell me how better to do it yet again.

He stormed off saying that I said I was struggling and he was trying to help. I didn't see any help there.

When I left my first husband (older) he told me I'd never make it on my own. I left anyway. A few months later, he was asking me to pay the rent at the old place where he lived. Told him where he could shove it. Stupid arsehole!

Is there any other reason reason to home school ds other than your partners wishes? I would look to get him into school, get myself a job and get the hell out.

ok it would be really brave but if hes put the bike in your name...sell it.if its good enough that could pay off or go towards paying that chunk you owe surely.
what happens if you stay longer and he pressure more money out of your or more spent using ur cards ur credit will become so poor.

O dear love! Pls leave this situation, choose to be happy, please.

I did a degree in design, the whole way through he regularly told me how awful I was at it, I got my degree

So you proved him wrong. Shows what he knows!

Meanwhile, he's 42 and still trying to get his musical career off the ground - and at your expense (emotionally and financially) too!

Tell him you'll take his advice when he hits the big-time. Pigs might be flying by then!

Op, I agree that you've got to get out, you've got plenty of time to rebuild your life.

I was Widowed in my late 30's, we had a lot of debt, because I had to give up work to be his Carer. We have three children.

Even on benefits, I paid off my debts, after six years. Creditors will take payment arrangements, interest can be frozen, as long as you are open with them. If you stick to them, it doesn't impact on your Credit Rating.

Paying off his debts is a small price to pay to get out of this, before you are completely ground down.

I'm 50, i can remember the Women during my childhood, suffer from the same exhaustion and migraines, because there Husbands were arseholes and they had to keep their mouth shut, in those days. You don't have to.

Oh FFS what a pillock he is.

Tell him you have a message for him. Copernicus called and he is not the centre of the universe.

(Gotta love Frasier)

Sounds like he's the scolding teacher and you're the school girl he's slagging off. Unless you find this dynamic sexy - and why would you? - this relationship has run its course.

As others have said, I expect you put up with him patronising you when you first got together but as you've matured his lack of respect and kindness is really getting you down. How dare he denigrate you like this? Hollow's analysis is spot on.

The financial angle is another layer of nasty and you need to ensure he doesn't add to your debts. So you need to "do something with your life" but he's spending your money? What a cunt. I'm so angry on your behalf

My DH says men who seek out very much younger women are pathetic wankers who don't have the balls for a woman they'd see as an equal. So of course as you mature you become a threat. When he senses you are no longer the naive girl who looked up to him, he will try to metaphorically put you back in your box.

I really can't see this man is doing anything for you. LTB.

I hope you find the means to leave ASAP.

What kind of 30 year old hits on a teen for a start...

You're going to feel so empowered when you're out of there!

Good point made by a PP - is the motorbike in your name? It would be for sale immediately if it were mine. What about the other things he's bought in your name? Is there anything you can sell?

I agree.... sell everything you can... discreetly

He actually sounds horrible!
Your trying to better yourself and he is putting you down!

OP I mentioned DH's opinion because I was trying to make the point that decent men have nothing but contempt for wankers like your DP. But, reading back, I didn't actually make the point!

Hi thanks all, sorry I disappeared, he came out and then work this morning. He's come home and not said two words to me so far, taken the laptop and watching the pool, so I'm feeling like I definitely don't want this any longer.

Thank you for the suggestions for the freedom programme, I had heard of it but always thought I wasn't in need, maybe I am.

Also good advice on ringing women's aid to sort the debt, I may do this after I've taken ds to Italy for a holiday.

The loan for the motorbike is in your name, right? Who is the registered owner of it with DVLA - you, or him? Who is it insured for?

@atilla, in my name, I'm registered keeper, he is insured on it as am I, but I always have ds so don't ride

I don't think it matters if its insured in his name as many people can be added to insurances.if you own it I think its yours so id try and sell it.

If all the stuff is in your name, sell it and pay the money off those debts.

Omg get rid. He lied about being 16 years older?

Oh lovely

You've had lots of good advice from PPs about the Freedom Programme, Women's Aid, selling the motorbike to help pay of debts (that of course you shouldn't have, but that can't be changed now) - please make sure you DO act on it when you come back from your holiday.

If you'd no talent as a designer you'd likely not have got a place on the degree course; you'd certainly not have passed. What would you like to do with that qualification now? You're only 26, you have so much time to to send your life in the direction you want[ed] it to go. Things aren't over, it's not too late - & you're certainly not incapable.

I'm guessing there's public transport where you live & that's how you & your DS get around? Then that's how your P can get himself to work. He doesn't need a motorbike, he wants one (& probably thinks it makes him Look Cool). I'd like to travel in a magical flying carriage pulled by alicorns, but we can't always have what we want. And I'm more deserving of that than your P is of a motorbike. I'm lovely, me.

Can you look for a school for your DS for September? Because you absolutely need to get rid of this oxygen-thief. He is your DS's father, yes, but can you trust him not to crush his son as he crushes you? And it's not good for your DS to see your P treat you as he does.

Oh - & as far as his music goes, does he play any orchestral instruments? Does he understand the difficulties in getting the correct embouchure for the flute, particularly for ensuring octave jumps work? Never mind the other considerations like dexterity & needing a reasonable amount of strength to be able to play for a sustained period of time... Do you play any other instruments? 🤔 Thinking about it, can your P read music, or is his stuff on the computer notated by him - if he writes it down - more like a graphic score? Am just wondering if he's feeling threatened by you not simply moving into doing one of "his" things, but doing it better - he's trying to put you off so you don't realise he's not the eight kinds of awesome & ultimate authority he's told you your whole relationship he is. He can't stand any threat to the [im]balance of power in your relationship. Hence his insistence on telling you how you should practice: he's asserting his position as Expert On Music & Authority Figure - but also talking a load of shite so your progress will be undermined, you'll have no confidence, & if he's really lucky, you'll give up. Not only will he no longer be under threat, he'll be able to give out to you for having failed, for having no determination, for having no musicality, for umpteen other non-existent failings whose appearance he manufactured. His behaviour is insanely messed-up & controlling. Please don't let him keep doing this. I know it's easy for me to say that from the safety of this remove. But you're worth so much more. And so is your DS.

The comments are ringing home about ds, I'm already noticing dp frustration at ds and it's concerning

You will fly high when you are out of this situation. You will then realise how much he has been keeping you down.