In not seeing this as help but criticism!

[veggifriedbreakfast]

Dp is always saying I'm "sensitive". I need to find the thing that "I'm going to do" in a way that's really good and professional (my job doesn't count) and is always trying to help.

I did a degree in design, the whole way through he regularly told me how awful I was at it, I got my degree and now don't work in the field, I teach instead.

I also play the flute. I struggle a bit with rhythm but it's something I'm trying to work out myself and I'm slowly getting there. I've been play g flute about 2 years and do fairly good on it. I enjoy it.

To just now, I'm sat playing and dp comes out and goes "I like that one you were just playing" so I said "Yea I'm just trying to learn it by heart so am going over sections"

This then leads onto him "helping" me by trying to get me to walk and play to "relax" then tell me to just focus on one part (which I was doing) and then going on to say "why can't you just play your own, if you were on a ship somewhere and didn't have any music books then what would you do? You should just learn the flute by yourself. I don't see how when you know a lot of the notes that you can't just play any tune"

Am I sensitive? I feel pissed off, he makes music and can pick up any instrument and just play it, I'm not that way inclined and struggle a little more. I'm so fed up of being told I'm not creative enough, even though he says he wasn't saying this (but has said it in the past when having a go at me asking me where my art is)

It got a little heated because I just wanted to play the flute without the input, I was enjoying it and feel like he's just come out to tell me how better to do it yet again.

He stormed off saying that I said I was struggling and he was trying to help. I didn't see any help there.

Tell him to F off and mind his own bizniz. Ask him if he hasn't got a life to get on with. Say thanks, I'm dealing with it. Tell him he's abusive and controlling and it makes you feel like leaving. If he can't understand all that you need to move on

I suspect home schooling is yet another way of keeping you down. There's no other adult except him to judge how well you're doing, it reduces your ability to work and progress (and thereby threaten his status and "superiority"), it keeps you under his thumb.

But as you are now realising, you are, despite everything he says, massively capable, strong and smart and have huge potential. Look what you are coping with and managing, all the while being oppressed and bullied by him, yet you're doing it. Without him, you will be amazed what you can do.

What debts? If his work is going well, shouldn't he have money to pay off debts? How did the debts happen?

Well quite Absolutely his scenarios are laughable really.

If you were on your own on a ship somewhere without music books what would you do?

Set off a flare to alert the Life boat rescue? You wouldn't be farting about with a flute in that situation.

@ilostit he also regularly tells me I'm sensitive... After saying all stuff that is wrong with me, I'm sensitive because he "never meant any of it like that" and I "took it in the wrong way"

He’s utterly vile. Seriously - what keeps you there? Genuine question as I know everyone’s situation is different. Easy to say LTB if you have family to go to, income etc.

You mentioned a friend sending you details about controlling partners - does she also think he’s a douche?

@msjingly so he's getting the releases but not the money at the moment... Hes put a motorbike in my name to go to and from work, some things on my credit card for his music.. I've been an absolute fool. I have learned a lot since being 19

if you were on a ship somewhere and didn't have any music books then what would you do?

yes I too thought "wtf?" at this. I'd be tempted to wheel out the sarcasm for shit like this. "Oh my god you're right - the SHIP situation, it's sure to happen sooner or later! I'll be fucked! I should probably give this up right now to avoid on-deck embarrassment!" Twat

@merry she hates him. Won't say a nice thing about him. Her husband hates him. He hates her husband. I stay at the moment because if I go, I can't make enough for ds and I and to pay off all the debt about (£4000) so I want that clear.

How come all the debts are in your name? Are you married? (Sorry if I have missed this.)

Your DP sounds like a pontificating pompous old fart ( and I am 20 years older than he is).

he sounds exhausting and like he thinks hes so bloody superior.
Reminds me of my first boyfriend who was a brilliant artist.
When I got a place at art school he made sure that I knew that I was taking up the place of somebody else that deserved it more.

I think when youre young and get with an older bloke, it can be really nice to feel looked after and taken care of by a man, and then as we get older, our eyes open and we can see patronising wankers for what they are. There is a reason they go for the young ones

How much is the motorbike worth? If it's in your name, start by selling that off

Will your friend or family help you? This sounds like abuse and control.

I understand it's horrifically daunting because he now has you in a position (home schooling, reliant on his wage, with the confidence knocked out of you) where it will be difficult to leave.

You are working so have some financial independence. Don't let him persuade you to leave your job to pursue other areas of training. That will leave you in an precarious position financially should you want to leave.

Sorry xpost - don't allow him to put any more debt in your name. Has he no credit card of his own? He sounds a nasty piece of work - have you no relatives/parents who can help?

he's getting the releases but not the money at the moment

Are you absolutely sure? This look like financial abuse as well. How does he get these things to be in your name - did you agree, did he pressure you or what? If possible, make sure you don't agree to anything else like this at all, and also look into these debts and if you can, any payments he receives etc. If the motorbike is in your name, could you sell it and pay off the debt? What's the domestic arrangement - do you own/rent and in whose name?

Sorry a lot of things to think about here, but make this your project and don't tell him about it. Women's aid, CAB and a good google (cover your tracks) will help you prepare and get everything in order as far as you can, work out what benefits you may get, etc.

@kaitlin in my name because he has such poor credit and it would "improve my credit rating" which it has, but no not married, and I always said I would never marry him. He wants another child. I've said no to that all the way along aswell. I think deep down I've known all along but never admitted it to myself

I stay at the moment because if I go, I can't make enough for ds and I and to pay off all the debt about (£4000) so I want that clear

There must be a way to sort something out. I fear you staying in this situation for months (years?) more because of £4000. Please do not let this idiot have any more credit in your name. Flat-out refuse!

Is there anyone in your life (parents?) who can help you out with this debt and you can pay them back later?

I think you need to be free ASAP and you will very likely find you get your confidence back and find it easier to make money anyway.

Your friend and her DH are a massive plus point for you in this as well. You have someone who can see what's happening and is on your side - ask for her support and help. You may be surprised how much people want to help when a situation like this comes to a head. (And MN will help you through it all too.)

Oh Hell. He's really done a number on you. What an arsehole putting all his debts in your name under the ruse that it'll improve your credit score. I bet it wasn't a cheap second hand motorbike either

He has no respect for you. I'm angry for you, how dare he treat you like that?

He wants another child. Of course he does. You have got the measure of this controlling arse, OP. You can and will sort this out and get away.

Just get gone. You can get benefits, put your ds in school, get a job, rent somewhere to live and come to arrangements with creditors, sell your motorbike (it is yours if in your name)and generally sort stuff out.

Because you are capable of doing it despite what the twat says. Then you'll feel awesome. And he can fuck off. Make a list then do it! If you wait to get debt paid etc you remain in his control. Enlist your friend to help if you can

don't want to judge on knowing a snippet of ur lives.becasue every husband can be a nob like this at times im sure.but this does seem to have stepped past that niggling and be more chipping away at you and over controlling.almost treating and looking down onto you like a child.
and for you to say about the "wash of tiredness"hun that's never good.it shouldn't make you feel like that.

I've had the painful experience recently of realising that my DH hinders my self esteem. He criticises me and hides it as 'advice'. I end up doubting myself. I get internally frustrated because I cannot justify feeling hurt or annoyed/angry as I am getting 'constructive criticism/help'.

It is very, very recently I have understood this. I am working out how to approach it. For now I feel smothered. I think your situation is similar.

OP he is gaslighting you, making you think it's your fault when it's his behaviour that's the problem, the arm to be a number of different methods of control at play here, it's worth speaking to stepchange and women's aid about your debt situation if that's all that's keeping you there. Do you have any family support? Maybe somewhere you could live for a bit while you work and clear it, and I agree with PP that bike is yours still it and put the money towards the debt.

Make sure that you are the one who is in control of contraception...

And no, he's not all that successful as a 'musician' is he? If he was, there would be royalties coming in.

The motorbike loan is in your name - what about the log book? Who's the registered owner/keeper?