Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU at this dietary request in RSVP?

342 replies

craxmum · 15/06/2018 18:31

Hello everyone,

I sent a standard birthday invitation to my son's class (reception). RSVP by [today], state dietary needs etc. I am planning a great party (magician, animators etc), but for the first time am doing it so formally. DS is a popular child, after struggling with extreme shyness, and a lot of kids want to come.
I received today a reply from one mum stating "[Childs name] can have only organic products. Please no refined sugar either. Please check with me if in doubt".
I was already surprised by other requests - namely, halal, gluten free (x2), soy free and vegetarian (x2, one helpfully points out that eggs are not vegetarian). Happy to accommodate (but definitely will outsource to a professional caterer now).

AIBU to think that's a bit too much? Or is it normal? Of course, I can afford organic ingredients, it's not a money issue, but isn't it a little bit cheeky to ask for it?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 15/06/2018 23:17

Apples and pears only make your mouth sore if you are not accustomed to eating them.

I wonder why my DS used to be able to eat them and now, having eaten lots, can’t 🤔 The “tingling” has got worse. I told him to stop being an idiot and to stop eating them.

SoupDragon · 15/06/2018 23:18

This was 50 years ago when fruit was a new thing

Fruit wasn’t a new thing 50 years ago. Especially not apples.

SluttyButty · 15/06/2018 23:24

unsalaried I cant believe I just read what you put.
Yes I 5hink there are lots of woo woo bunkum parents out there spouting their crap that has bono scientific basis whatsoever.
But my son spent many years as a wee tot with some strange reaction to grapes, he was an itchy, swollen mess. I took great lengths to keep him away from grapes, the nursery even offered to ban them.

donquixotedelamancha · 15/06/2018 23:29

Just serve water.

Can't believe the insensitivity of some people. This child's mother only wants them to to consume organic food. Water is inorganic. OP should respect the mother's wishes and give the child melted butter to drink- unsalted, of course as @SoftSheen rightly points out.

go with donquixote's suggestion

I think @Taytotots is very wise.

theanonymum1 · 15/06/2018 23:32

Unsalaried at the risk of coming across as aggressive thanks to just typing and not face to face - it’s attitudes like yours that keeps my PIL ‘accidentally’ giving my DS food with gluten in. He is not coeliac according to the blood tests but he reacts violently to ingesting anything that contains gluten. So much so that he was EBF until he was 9 months old at great personal cost because we couldn’t figure out why weaning was causing him so much pain, and I mean real agony.

At 14 months we removed gluten from his diet completely and he was a changed child, back to being the happy sunny little boy he had been prior to the weaning process. He was no longer screaming in pain, he went back to sleeping through the night (Ina manner of speaking) and his disposition completely changed.

Because his PIL (in their early 70s) don’t believe in intolerances they slip him things with gluten in every now and then and are always amazed when I pull them up on it because it is immediately apparent to me when he has had gluten, because his body simply doesn’t tolerate it.

Our food and the way we grow/harvest our food has changed over the last 50 years. A crop of wheat now is different to a crop of wheat 50 years ago. It’s simply not a case of special snowflake parents. As I said up thread, DS also doesn’t get on with dairy but I haven’t removed it entirely because he can tolerate it in dribs, drabs and moderation so I continue to give it to him at the level he can manage in the hope that that increases. As his mother I know I can’t do that with gluten without severely impacting on his health and well-being.

WhiteLily83 · 15/06/2018 23:32

You say in future let me know if your child wants ham, Jam or cheese sandwich. Shove it in a box with crisp, a drink , fruit and offer round some cake afterwards. Done

AJPTaylor · 15/06/2018 23:35

fgs
Its dietary needs, not wants

Elspeth12345 · 15/06/2018 23:36

Gluten free pizzas made with organic flour and tomato sauce (no meat).
Gluten and egg free chocolate cakes for all but refined sugar child.
Carrot sticks, pepper pieces, grapes, cheese, cherry tomatoes.

Hippee · 15/06/2018 23:52

We used to have World Food Day at school. Watched a 6 year old boy cry because he couldn't have a croissant from the French table because his mum had said he was only allowed a paleo diet Sad.

craxmum · 16/06/2018 02:22

Wow, did not expect all the responses.

I am relatively new to the UK (less than 2 years) - just don't want to be tone deaf when it comes to etiquette. DS goes to a fee paying school as he was considered autistic and unfit for the mainstream education by his health visitor last year around this time (he was just extremely shy and did not speak English well). Now he is chatty, confident, popular and well settled, and I need this party probably as much as he does, for surviving this year - it was not easy.

I am not uber-privileged - I actually moved from a third world country. I genuinely do not know how to cook (for example) halal food. I have a Jewish friend who cannot have cake baked in an oven that was turned on by a non-Jew (I don't even know if it is true or simply my cakes are shit and she does not want to hurt my feelings). Neither I know anything about gluten free - I would have assumed, for example, that breadcrumbs for coating are fine, while they apparently are not.

I am in SE London.

No-egg vegetarian family is indeed Indian. I am amazed how it was possible to deduce, but it's true.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 16/06/2018 02:58

Oh my. I had only egg sandwiches,salmon paste sandwiches, jelly and tinned cream,and some birthday sponge cake for my birthday parties,, well it was in the 1940 era ha ha.

DoraJar · 16/06/2018 03:10

@Elspeth12345 - perfect solution and sounds yummy!

FatBarry · 16/06/2018 05:27

Poor you OP, I bet you regret asking about dietary requirements now! If you hadn't and just laid a large varied spread it would be up to the parent to remind their child what they can and can't eat. Now it's become your responsibility to provide and possibly monitor their food intake.

Perhaps you could send another thing out listing what the spread will have and advising any parent that if this doesn't suit their child they need to bring their own pack up.

I would totally ignore mummy organic.

AjasLipstick · 16/06/2018 06:00

I'd send a message back saying "Organic is not within the products already purchased for the party but you're welcome to bring a packed lunch for your child."

Job done.

AjasLipstick · 16/06/2018 06:02

Hipee a friend of my ten year old can't eat anything! Unless it's fruit, nuts or veg. He dipped grapes in nutmeg whilst at mine "for a treat"

He weighs about as much as a 5-6 year old and I've considered informing social services that he's malnourished. I'm sure he is underweight at least.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 16/06/2018 07:27

Gluten free means no wheat, barley, rye, oats (unless specifically gf). I would prefer you said to me that you were honest and say you weren't sure on the gf/ organic stuff and please brin their own packed lunch. In fact you could take a lunch box approach - put sandwiches, crisps, biscuits, fruit and veg as standard. Do some which are vegetarian for vegetarians and halal (or just do vegetarian cheese sandwiches for everyone so all lunch boxes vegetarian) then ask those with allergies/ organic diet to bring something to put in 'their' lunch box.

You really should use your perceived lack of UK knowledge though to your advantage and ask really innocently what their child can drink instead of water that is made of carbon. Would love to hear the answer.

reallyanotherone · 16/06/2018 08:43

*Nice to hear that your coeliac child was catered for.

But honestly with a gang of kids and food everywhere there is no escape from cross contamination anyway*

I did a gluten free party so no cross contamination. I even asked if the chocolate i used for the cake was ok as it had the usual “made in a factory..” warning. If that hadn’t been ok i’d have asked them to bring their own.

It was suprisingly easy. Flourless or gluten free flour cakes, lots of crudites and dips, fruit, a cold meat platter, sausages on sticks, cheese cubes, boiled egg etc. Lots of crisps.

Most of the kids just filled up on sweets anyway :)

JustVent · 16/06/2018 08:53

Is that true? That Jewish people can’t eat food that’s gone into an oven that was switched on by a non-Jewish person?

Aridane · 16/06/2018 09:13

Don’t think so -isn’t it more if it’s used for cooking non kosher foods as well?

MoonriseKingdom · 16/06/2018 09:13

There is wide variety in how people practice Judaism. I suspect the friend may be towards the stricter/ Orthodox end of the spectrum. Eg Orthodox women may cover their own hair (often a wig) but I had Jewish grandparents who would never have thought that necessary.

Aridane · 16/06/2018 09:18

Ah - Wikipedia

Food preparation by non-Jews Edit

See also: Kosher wine
The classical rabbis prohibited any item of food that had been consecrated to an idol or had been used in the service of an idol.[58] Since the Talmud views all non-Jews as potential idolaters, and viewed intermarriage with apprehension, it included within this prohibition any food which has been cooked or prepared completely by non-Jews.[59][60] (Bread sold by a non-Jewish baker was not included in the prohibition.[59][60]) Similarly, a number of Jewish writers believed food prepared for Jews by non-Jewish servants would not count as prepared by potential idolaters, although this view was opposed by Jacob ben Asher.[61]

Consequently, modern Orthodox Jews generally believe wine, certain cooked foods, and sometimes even dairy products,[62][63][64] should be prepared only by Jews. The prohibition against drinking non-Jewish wine, traditionally called yayin nesekh (literally meaning "wine for offering [to a deity]"), is not absolute. Cooked wine (Hebrew: יין מבושל, yayin mevushal), meaning wine which has been heated, is regarded as drinkable on the basis that heated wine was not historically used as a religious libation; thus kosher wine includes mulled wine, and pasteurised wine, regardless of producer, but Orthodox Judaism regards other forms of wine as kosher only if prepared by a Jew.

Some Jews refer to these prohibited foods as akum, an acronym of Ovde Kokhavim U Mazzaloth (עובדי כוכבים ומזלות), meaning "worshippers of stars and planets". Akum is thus a reference to activities which these Jews view as idolatry, and in many significant works of post-classical Jewish literature, such as the Shulchan Aruch, it has been applied to Christians in particular. However, among the classical rabbis, there were a number who refused to treat Christians as idolaters, and consequently regarded food which had been manufactured by them as being kosher;[citation needed] this detail has been noted and upheld by a number of religious authorities in Conservative Judaism, such as Rabbi Israel Silverman, and Rabbi Elliot N. Dorff.

Conservative Judaism is more lenient; in the 1960s, Rabbi Silverman issued a responsum, officially approved by the Committee on Jewish Law and Standards, in which he argued that wine manufactured by an automated process was not "manufactured by gentiles", and therefore would be kosher. A later responsum of Conservative Judaism was issued by Rabbi Dorff, who argued, based on precedents in 15th-19th century responsa, that many foods, such as wheat and oil products, which had once been forbidden when produced by non-Jews were eventually declared kosher. On this basis he concluded wine and grape products produced by non-Jews would be permiss

posieperkinandpootle · 16/06/2018 11:12

I'd do cubes of cheese, fruit kebabs, bowls of hula hoops, well any crisps really except wotsits (unless you want to be scrubbing orange fingerprints off your walls for days), veggie sausages, breadsticks (can get gf), veggie Percy pigs, chocolate crispie cakes (crispies usually gf but check). Make whatever birthday cake you want but get some egg free, gluten free cupcakes for the gf/egg free party bags. That way there's something for everyone. I would expect veggie/halal kids to know to check if they can eat the cheese and sausages, just like I'd expect the organic, sugar free kid to get wired in and have a good feed, check what they can have. Tbh you made a rod for your own back asking OP, parents will tell you if there is a specific need or send a packed lunch.

PorkFlute · 16/06/2018 11:39

I’d cater for the allergies and provide veggie food for the vegetarian/halal requirements but the no refined sugar woman could get to fuck. I’d message her back and tell her that obviously because it’s a party there’ll be birthday cake and treats but you will make sure there is organic/sugar free food available and she is welcome to stay and make sure he doesn’t eat anything he shouldn’t. She’s banking on you serving up cardboard for everyone so her child doesn’t know what he’s missing. If she’s going to insist on a ridiculous diet then let her be the one to tell her child he can’t have stuff.

DarlingNikita · 16/06/2018 17:21

Of course, I can afford organic ingredients

Not everyone can and it's U of her to demand that you provide them.
I'd send a curt answer saying organic doesn't fit with your budget (leave it up to her to decide whether that means for the party or for your life) and also that there will be a mix of sugar-free foods and –obviously –party treats like a cake.

Mosaic123 · 16/06/2018 17:26

Rather than a caterer, why not try this idea?

Use white cardboard cake boxes and put each child's food inside. I wrote the name of the child on the outside.

Easy, then, to stop cross contamination. It was a pain but doable. Also good if it's a birthday picnic.

You can even stick a picture (or draw one) of the child's favourite thing, if you know it, e.g. a unicorn!

Swipe left for the next trending thread