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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my 'family' are rubbish?

80 replies

eyycarumba · 15/06/2018 10:56

For perspective, I'm adopted. Maybe more of a rant than an AIBU because I'm pretty certain I'm not!

Just found out my 'family' are having a 60th birthday party for F tomorrow night, family get together, all siblings (their own children) going. Nothing had been said to me, I found out from F's sister who asked how I'm getting there. Asked M about it and apparently it has been planned for weeks but I wasn't asked as they presumed I'd have plans (I don't). We don't have a bad relationship (now anyway, childhood was not the best), no arguments and we see each other weekly as I do their weekly shop! M said I can come if I want, but I'm not going to as I'm obviously not wanted (didn't say this).

I am hurt. Really hurt. I've had to go have a little cry in the work toilet, I was made to feel separate and left out throughout my childhood but I thought that was in the past. Would it be unreasonable to tell them to fuck off next time they want something?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 15/06/2018 10:59

Oh eyy that's so shit.

I'd def be inclined to have plans the next time they need something.

Could you talk to M after the party and tell her how this had made you feel?

WineCakeFlowers

longhouselisaSpartacus · 15/06/2018 10:59

It sounds like the think that you're good enough to get the shopping in, but not good enough to come to a family celebration. Time to rethink the shopping?!

june04 · 15/06/2018 10:59

No, that's awful. So sorry! Sod them go and have a night out with some mates!

BottleOfJameson · 15/06/2018 11:01

Bloody hell! They sound like horrible people. I hope you have a lovely time doing something with nicer people than them. Maybe one of the people they invited to the party can do their weekly shop for them from now on!

AjasLipstick · 15/06/2018 11:04

Is F your sibling? It's really shitty!

anotherangel2 · 15/06/2018 11:07

I assume F is father.

I would stop doing their shopping and think about much contact you want to have with them. Tell them you can’t do the shopping this week as you are very upset at not being invited to a family party. Don’t sugar coat anything for them.

Motoko · 15/06/2018 11:07

That's just a (shit) excuse. If they wanted you to go, they would have asked you, even if they thought you might have other plans.

Yeah, tell them to fuck off, and stop doing their shopping.

Flowers
Barkface · 15/06/2018 11:08

eyycarumba Flowers that's awful behaviour of them. Even if you'd said something in passing about being away, most families still would have told you what they were doing in case you were able to make it!

I'm so sorry, that's just not acceptable, no wonder you're sad about it. You would be unreasonable to make them wait for the "fuck off", I don't think I could hold my tongue. We're nc with dh's adoptive family largely because he didn't feel they made him part of it, with things like this, and it caused him great upset (still does I think, if he dwells on it).

I was going to ask is there any way it could be a genuine mistake, but reading you post again it seems you see them way too often for it to be just left out, surely in the natural course of things it would be mentioned. I'm sorry OP, that's shitty. And being adopted I think makes their behaviour even worse.

Thehop · 15/06/2018 11:08

This is shit.

My mum does this to me loads and she gave birth to me! I think some parents are just crap.

Stop doing their shopping too they can do it online. Horrible to leave you out.

Original poster
eyycarumba · 15/06/2018 11:15

No point telling M, she'll just go in a mood and do the 'I'm such a terrible mother' routine.

F is father, didn't feel right putting a 'D' in front of it"

I can't go out out this weekend as I have my DS5...their 'GS who they adore so much'...all other grandkids are going. We have plans throughout the days but nothing so grand I couldn't have attended.

Contact has always been a bit strained for me as they conveniently forget a lot of wrongdoing from my childhood, but things have been a lot better between us in the past 15 yrs. I still have an awkwardness even now, but I kept in contact because of a sense of obligation.

OP posts:
LeighaJ · 15/06/2018 11:20

That's an awful way to treat you, I wouldn't be doing them anymore favours.

Cupoteap · 15/06/2018 11:22

TKe this as a release from your obligation- they don't seem to have any!

WattdeEll · 15/06/2018 11:23

Eyy, so sorry, what absolute arseholes they are. It will hurt but you’re the winner in that you are a lovely, considerate and generous person towards them, in spite of their weird behaviours. Don’t let their weirdness define how you feel, some people have kindness flaws. I know who I would rather be friends with. Flowers

Hisnamesblaine · 15/06/2018 11:25

That is awful. So neither you or your son are invited to a big family shindig!? I'm sorry but I would have to say something. Won't your siblings notice your absense?

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 15/06/2018 11:26

What an incredibly toxic 'family' op Flowers
You deserve better as does your son .

ParentInCharge · 15/06/2018 11:27

I'm sorry OP. That's shit. Just fuck em off now when it comes to their shopping. Let them do it or one of the family members who made the cut.

My own mum does this. A few years ago it was coming up for my DGM's 90th. I found out very last minute that my mum was travelling to DGM's town (other side of the country) and asked to go with her. She told me there was no point, she was just going to pop in and say happy birthday and that she was going to the town for something else. She left without me.

A couple of days later I saw photos of a huge party on FB for DGM's birthday. Professional photos of every blood relative and their spouses posing in a huge family shot. That's DGM's 5 kids plus spouses, my 8 cousins and their spouses, my cousins kids and even my own sister. DH, our D.C. and I were the only ones missing. There was food, music and even a 1940's singer hired.

I never got a chance to see DGM as the next time I travelled there was for her funeral. I guess I should be thankful my mum didn't stop me going to that.
Apparently the rest of the family couldn't understand why I hadn't come to the party. Mum had told them I was busy..

I'm not even the black sheep!

justilou1 · 15/06/2018 11:29

Oh god, that's awful, OP! I assume you're going to "forget" the weekly slavery and skip the shopping for the rest of your life too. How cruel to wipe it away like that - assuming you had something already planned. Bastards! I'm so angry on your behalf.

Namechangemum100 · 15/06/2018 11:32

They sound hideously toxic, assuming you have support else where in the form of a partner, good friend network etc I would cut my losses with family like that. (I went nc with my own mother for similar reasons).

Sorry they are so awful op, I feel for you.

Original poster
eyycarumba · 15/06/2018 11:33

@Barkface awful, I can empathise! I would happily go no contact as I'm not 'emotionally bonded' to them, but they live on my road and it would cause a whole mess of emotional manipulation and grief from certain members. As a child I would get left out of trips and was not allowed to call them mom and dad. Their son is the only one who understands but he's in Canada so wouldn't have been invited either.

At least OH has seen this first hand finally, he's never been able to understand why I find his close family dynamic confusing.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 15/06/2018 11:34

That is terrible. Just awful behaviour. Shameful.

You need to step back, stop doing the food shop and make the best of others in your life. They don't deserve you and your child.

critiqueofeveryday · 15/06/2018 11:35

I have a similar family. They didn't tell me recently that my old babysitter, a long standing family friend, had died. They managed to pick up the phone to my sister, though.

It is incredibly hurtful. As an adult, I am far more independent than most. I've stood on my own two feet financially and emotionally since I was 17, without financial, emotional or practical support. I've had tons of help from counselling (which I pay for) to be able to manage solo, and build up a sense that I am loveable and worthy of esteem from nothing. But the way that I am excluded still hurts every time I am reminded of it. I know what you are going through and how desolate and empty a place it can feel. It's not fair. You don't deserve it. They are shits for doing it to you.

OliviaBenson · 15/06/2018 11:35

I'm the black sheep op and it's really hurts. My mum does that guilt trip thing if I call her up on it- I've had to accept that while she clearly knows what she is doing, she will never admit it or change. It hurts.

I've gone low contact with her. I also don't gloss over things when other family members ask why I wasn't at such and such event- I calmly say I didn't know about it and change the subject. Others are now noticing her behaviour and her excluding me because ive change my reaction. If I screamed and shouted about it, I'd be the one that was judged but because I don't rise to it, she can't use it against me.

It sucks op. Protect yourself x

Selfsestructactive · 15/06/2018 11:35

I was adopted too and I have been left out of things over the years... Eventually I decided I was sick of it and just withdrew, distanced myself. I'm not nc but low contact. I feel so much lighter since and once I got used to it I felt free, if that makes sense.
Look after yourself, you deserve it and they didn't do what they should have when you were growing up, don't let them get to you x

shiklah · 15/06/2018 11:36

Time they started doing their own shopping.

Notonthestairs · 15/06/2018 11:36

You need to let them have their drama though. This isn't your fault, it's on them. They could fix it but clearly can't be bothered.

Honestly treating you like that is terrible - you deserve so much more.