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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my 'family' are rubbish?

80 replies

eyycarumba · 15/06/2018 10:56

For perspective, I'm adopted. Maybe more of a rant than an AIBU because I'm pretty certain I'm not!

Just found out my 'family' are having a 60th birthday party for F tomorrow night, family get together, all siblings (their own children) going. Nothing had been said to me, I found out from F's sister who asked how I'm getting there. Asked M about it and apparently it has been planned for weeks but I wasn't asked as they presumed I'd have plans (I don't). We don't have a bad relationship (now anyway, childhood was not the best), no arguments and we see each other weekly as I do their weekly shop! M said I can come if I want, but I'm not going to as I'm obviously not wanted (didn't say this).

I am hurt. Really hurt. I've had to go have a little cry in the work toilet, I was made to feel separate and left out throughout my childhood but I thought that was in the past. Would it be unreasonable to tell them to fuck off next time they want something?

OP posts:

brassbrass · 15/06/2018 12:21

Could it be they think that you owe them because they adopted you hence fine for you to get the shopping in but not family enough to be included.

I do think we are fed a lot of obligation by our social structure and to hang on to 'family' inspire of shitty behaviour. I now go by the strict rule that if anyone treats me badly they are not worthy of me blood relation or not!

Orangecake123 · 15/06/2018 12:21

So you're good enough to be used in helping to get the shopping done but not to be invited is low. I hope you do something nice for yourself that night.

tictoc76 · 15/06/2018 12:22

Disgusting - I don’t care if you were the most awful / difficult child (not saying you were by the way) but your child is your child and if you’re good enough to do their weekly shopping you’re good enough to be treated with some respect. I just cannot understand this and think you are being far too kind letting them get away with this.

I do think you need to tell them honestly how it makes you feel and if there is no change maybe slowly back out of their lives. Can you imagine treating your own child this way!

If they’re well enough to organise a party they are well enough to do their own shopping.

HyacinthsBucket70 · 15/06/2018 12:26

I've had terrible issues with my sister over the last 2 years, namely because I dared to express concern over her sudden midlife crisis lifestyle change, and wondered if everything was OK. She's made a huge family drama over it and dragged extended family and mutual friends into it, meaning I've been dropped like a stone. Seeing photos of my favourite uncle's birthday party a few months ago with all the family there apart from me absolutely broke my heart and I sobbed for days over it.
Now I've decided if they can judge me without talking to me, that's up to them. I've got my DH, my DDs and my grandchildren and don't need people in my life like that. It's a strong sense of self preservation and they won't hurt me again.

ciderhouserules · 15/06/2018 12:32

No point telling M, she'll just go in a mood and do the 'I'm such a terrible mother' routine. - she'd be right. She should not have adopted you into her family if she (and the wider family) were not able to incorporate you fully and properly.

I'm NC with members of my family, and it's not easy - guilt tripping, blame throwing - and I don;t live anywhere near them!
I'd look at moving as far away as possible and cutting ties. It's what they are doing to you!

Original poster

eyycarumba · 15/06/2018 12:43

@brassbrass yes, I have had a lot of 'but we took you in' type comments throughout my life.

OP posts:

Clubcuts · 15/06/2018 12:44

This is one of the saddest threads I've read. I despair at the awfulness of your family, I really do.

I'm sorry @eyycarumba

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 15/06/2018 12:45

OP. Its hard when you realise your family don't regard you in a similar way to how you regard them. If I were you I'd stop doing them favours and if they ask why tell them straight that they need to find someone good enough to be deemed family to do their favours for them.

My story is similar to hyacinths though with my M rather than my Sister. M pulled my DC into it, thinking that by hurting me I'd tow the line, I didn't. You don't purposefully hurt my DC and get to pretend everything is ok. Like hyacinth I also realise that anyone who wants to judge me without talking to me isn't worth headspace.

RomeoBunny · 15/06/2018 12:46

Are these you adoptive parents OP or your birth family?

Original poster

eyycarumba · 15/06/2018 12:49

@RomeoBunny my adoptive family. NC with biological

OP posts:

littlerocketman · 15/06/2018 12:59

That's awful. I would definitely bring it up with your adoptive mother and get a result - whether that is saying goodbye (because you cannot continue to be treated like this) or some sort of explanation that makes it slightly less awful.

brassbrass · 15/06/2018 13:10

Well if you need someone to tell you here we are - You don't owe them anything. They were adults both biological and adoptive. You were a child. You were not in control of decisions they made which have impacted you all your life. Time now to look after your own best interests and your own family and detach from the lot of the.

You don't need to feed the drama. Just be busy doing other things. Sorry won't be getting the shopping in as I'm busy. And repeat for anything else.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 15/06/2018 13:14

I second getting an explanation.

I eventually got one when my mother was ill and her own toxic relationships became visible to me. I never got any direct resolution with my mother but it helped me to understand why she was the way she was, and that it wasn't my fault.

Original poster

eyycarumba · 15/06/2018 13:41

I wish I could get answers, but it's not something they will acknowledge and I really don't have it in me to put up with the poison that would inevitably come my way after. I'm just upset about this as it's brought back a heap of feelings of unwantedness I've had my entire life. I don't think I've been that terrible of a daughter to warrant being so blatantly and purposely left out.
Whenever I've questioned anything I've been called ungrateful etc... If I've unwittingly caused offence before I've been physically attacked and been falsely reported to SS..tip of the iceberg.

It's not worth that hassle. Me and OH are selling up soon and are looking at moving away, best thing for me is to keep as low a profile as possible.

OP posts:

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 15/06/2018 13:51

eyy sometimes there aren't answers other than people can be shit. You've been massively unlucky. But you have your OH and DS. You aren't unwanted

Barkface · 15/06/2018 13:54

It's a shame they live so close but if you can try low contact it might help. I doubt they will see the error of their ways though. If you can't be welcoming to an innocent child, lord only knows how you could be to an adult. I'm really confused as to why people like this adopt. Either you want to accept then as your family and treat them equally, or don't do it!

You couldn't call them mum and dad? How old were you when adopted, if you don't mind me asking? I can understand not expecting a preteen to say mum and dad, but I can't understand it not being allowed, it just seems unnecessarily mean.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 15/06/2018 13:55

It sounds like you don't need more than that. You've seen enough, and there is nothing they can give you that is of any use to you. I very much doubt that they'll sort out their own shit

Again, I am so sorry.

I was thinking that moving is probably the best thing - focus on that, and when you are gone, you are gone.

OakIsBetterTho · 15/06/2018 13:55

Bloody shitheads. What a nasty, appalling way to treat someone, especially when that someone is family. They can fuck right off, if I were you, I'd be doing no more shopping for them, in fact, id not be seeing them at all. How dare they say that they 'took you in' and use t against you?!

Barkface · 15/06/2018 14:00

OP, have you had any counselling as an adult? I ask because of your last post - I've always wished my dh would but he won't, he says he tried before and it was too painful, but the only time I've ever seen him truly, sadly sobbing, is when he's been really down and the feeling of being unwanted surfaces... I don't know if it would help, but it's such an awful thing to feel, that ache, I can sense it in him so much it's honestly heartbreaking and nothing I can say will help because at the end of the day deep down he's still this little unwanted child. I'm not saying you do feel that way, but it actually just makes me really sad to think someone else could feel that way

Original poster

eyycarumba · 15/06/2018 14:06

@Barkface I was only two - I had occasional contact with Bio parents but that stopped when I was a teen.

Not sure why they adopted, perhaps they thought it was a good thing to do but in reality it wasn't for them.

OP posts:

Original poster

eyycarumba · 15/06/2018 14:18

@Barkface in drips and drabs throughout my life. I can't say I can see it helping, but then my experiences with counselors haven't been great either - from being told I'm just 'a bit sad' after trying to kill myself or they didn't believe in certain MH issues (seriously).

deep down he's still this little unwanted child yep, I can understand this. That feeling rejection is very real

OP posts:

Barkface · 15/06/2018 15:09

On the side of people who adopt, I don't think there is enough preparation or support to enable someone to realise the enormity of it, but that doesn't stop someone from being a decent human being on the most basic level. That must have been awfully confusing at a time when kids learn what mums and dads are.

I think the only thing we can do when we have crap families is take all the things that they've done wrong and try our best not to repeat them for our own children. It just hurts that someone else didn't do the same. I'm sure you're a great mum, knowing all the things you'd hate your own child to go through, and I hope you take some comfort in that at least that you can stop it happening again. You did nothing as a child to deserve how you were treated, the blame is all on them. Glad to hear you're looking at moving away.

ciderhouserules · 15/06/2018 15:20

it's brought back a heap of feelings of unwantedness I've had my entire life. - the sooner you move away from those who reinstate and reinforce those feelings of unwantedness, the better for you. You will never be good enough, never part of the 'family', never one of them.

Move far away. Make your own family. Leave them behind, totally.

harriethoyle · 15/06/2018 15:30

I am so sorry to read this. Tempted to suggest you tell your Mum, wait for the "I'm such a bad mother" routine and reply "Yeah, you are actually. See ya!" Bastards the lot of them. x

Original poster

eyycarumba · 18/06/2018 10:19

Thank you all for the messages, I feel a lot better about it all and I think I was so upset before as it was a shock-like reaction. I sent a happy birthday text and just got 'thanks' back so tried to keep away from it all, except for seeing the social media posts gushing about how lovely it was to have the 'whole family' were there... No contact father's day, saw more OTT posts from siblings about what a great dad he is to us all.

Big talks over the weekend with OH about moving away AWAY next year

OP posts:

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