To think my 'family' are rubbish?

[eyycarumba]

For perspective, I'm adopted. Maybe more of a rant than an AIBU because I'm pretty certain I'm not!

Just found out my 'family' are having a 60th birthday party for F tomorrow night, family get together, all siblings (their own children) going. Nothing had been said to me, I found out from F's sister who asked how I'm getting there. Asked M about it and apparently it has been planned for weeks but I wasn't asked as they presumed I'd have plans (I don't). We don't have a bad relationship (now anyway, childhood was not the best), no arguments and we see each other weekly as I do their weekly shop! M said I can come if I want, but I'm not going to as I'm obviously not wanted (didn't say this).

I am hurt. Really hurt. I've had to go have a little cry in the work toilet, I was made to feel separate and left out throughout my childhood but I thought that was in the past. Would it be unreasonable to tell them to fuck off next time they want something?

I'm in shock OP. Calling them rubbish is mild IMO. My family are rubbish but wouldn't do something as hurtful as this.

I hope you have a lovely support network around yourself, lots of considerate friends etc and can distance yourself from your horrible F&M. How are your siblings and rest of the family with you? Clearly your aunt was expecting you to go?

PS I think it will be worth going through the emotional manipulation and grief to go NC or low contact with them. Truly, it will.

That's appalling.. I'm so sorry your family behave so badly.

And yes- stop the shopping. Don't make a big proclamation as they would thrive on that, just be busy and non-committal.

Tell your mum to get her own bloody shopping and they can all stick it where the sun don’t shine.

That’s a shitty thing to do and a bad excuse not to tell you whether or not your busy, it’s your decision as to whether you want to go or not, it most certainly isn’t up to them to make the decision for you.

I would say now you know where you come n the pecking order.

Hmmm. Come joins us in on Home for restoring love with Zariya Lufu.

@ParentInCharge similar things have happened over the years but I've tried to pay it no notice. There are other branches to this that makes this specifically so hurtful but they would be outing to put here.

I'm not the black sheep either - Far from it!

Sod 'em.

How absolutely horrible! I wouldn't go either. Neither would I continue doing nice things for them. Give yourself a big hug, and do something nice for yourself.

I just don't understand how anyone could adopt a child and not make them fully a part of their family. Anything else smacks of child slavery.

! I would happily go no contact as I'm not 'emotionally bonded' to them, but they live on my road and it would cause a whole mess of emotional manipulation and grief from certain members.

Ah, the flying monkeys. Ignore such approaches from the flying monkeys. These are people, often friends and other family members and usually so very easily manipulated, into doing your parents bidding. They are not interested in hearing your side of things so their opinion should be ignored in any case.

You have become obligated to them due to their own inadequate parenting of you and the getting them shopping is just one aspect of that. Fear, obligation and guilt are but three of many damaging legacies left by such toxic people to their now adult offspring.

You may want to read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on the Relationships pages of this message board.

Thank you all - at least I have support somewhere! I think low contact is the way to go.

@RafikiIsTheBest I didn't think 'complete shitbags' was appropriate for the title
Siblings..we get along, not close though. Had issues with them growing up, wouldn't be unfair to call it abuse. I get along well with the son who seems to be only one who remembers things how I do, but as I said before, he lives in Canada, and isn't particularly close to the rest. Aunt is lovely but we don't really speak aside from family occasions.

eyy

I think that sadly you are very much the black sheep of this family.

People from dysfunctional families like you describe of your adoptive parents end up playing roles. Your role here seems to be one of scapegoat; others are treated far more favourably than you have been.

Low contact as well can lead to no contact; I would certainly lower all contact levels from now on and refuse outright to do any shopping for them. Reaffirm and raise your too low boundaries here.

Look, families are often rubbish. It's smoke and mirrors. We are fed it, we need family, they are the only ones we rely on, they have our best interests.... Maybe. But for pretty much most of us, we are having to cope with the realities we are given with this false idea we have been painted. I went NC in 1999 with siblings because it was too hard for me to give up my parents, but in the end It was a waste of time. I don't advocate going NC as I think it can create a lot more problems and isolation. Few families seldom grow up under the same roof. Make your own lot...... Really. Don't chase love that is conditional and not nourishing...

I'm so sorry eyycarumba that's really crap.

I'm already NC with my actual family for the best part of 20 yrs, the adoption was open.

I definitely am the black sheep in their mind, but their reasoning is unbeknown to me

So you are good enough to do chores, but not good enough to socialise with?

I would consider moving away if at all possible. I think they will have you marked down as head nurse/carer when they get older, and it won't be because they want your company the most.

That's terrible OP, they sound like total douchbags.

They can do their own fucking shopping in future.

Well your obligation to them has surely ended. Take care of yourself, don’t give them another thought.

It sounds like there is a whole heap of mess going on in that family, which at some point appears to have resulted in them deciding to adopt, which was evidently, in hindsight, the wrong decision for them.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

It's not your situation to resolve - you can't.

Stop doing the shopping. They will find someone else if they need to.

Go and see a counsellor if you can.

If/when people start twittering around you angling for you to forgive and forget, thank them for their concern but tell them they need to take it up with your 'parents'.

There might be a resolution and there might not, but there is no chance whatsoever if your parents don't take responsibility for the hurt they have caused.

This sort of behaviour is insidious - in time it won't be 'eyycarumba wasn't invited to the party', it will be 'eyycarumba was too busy/didn't want to go to the party'.

At least you can be honest. Stop shopping for them and tell them why. You don’t need to rant. Say your piece and walk away.
Please update us when you’ve had the conversation. I know it’s not easy - I’ve had to do something similar- but it’s better for you in the long run as it stops it dragging on. People treat you as you let them. Take control and be strong. Thinking of you

eyycarumba really feeling for you for both what’s happening now anD how you were treated in the past. There is no excuse for treating a child like that.
Next time they contact you can I suggest replying honestly, but in writing, even if it’s just a text or a brief note. I have a family which ‘changes history’ too and this is the only way I’ve found to ‘keep stories straight’ (putting it in speech marks as I could describe it more unkindly). I’d also be honest and say as they don’t wish to include you in normal family life you don’t think they’ll be wanting you to do X an£ Y either. However you look forward to family occasions if the situation changes.
Remember, they have done this, it is their responsibility, not yours.

I would tell them to fuck off. Why did they adopt you if they didn't want you to be part of their family and treat you the same. I wouldn't go either OP, what a bunch of arseholes

for you op. And for Child You who was left out and made to feel separate - that is just shit. Yes your "family" are rubbish. But you are not.
I think you should "have plans" every time they need their shopping done. Maybe get in touch with your lovely Aunt, not to bitch but build a relationship with a lovely member of your adopted family.

The reason for making someone a scapegoat doesn't lie with the 'goat'. It's a pattern of behaviour that lies within the family system.

That is appalling behaviour by your "family". You have every reason to be hurt. Their actions are indefensible.
Maintain the high ground by not ranting at them, but I would say how their actions have hurt you. I would reduce contact and stop favours like shopping. If there are other siblings that merit an invitation to the party, then they are the ones that should be doing the favours! I hope you tell your aunt that you were deliberately not invited.