Daughter buying a gift for online friend, AIBU to refuse to allow this?

[AskinginApril]

Really unsure on this one. DH sees no harm, so would like other opinions.

DD(14) plays an online video game. Started playing it around 6 months ago. Met a few people on there (connect through voice chat in the living room). I always heard the conversations. Got relatively close to a girl on there (she says she is the only other girl they have come across) so they clicked. They play together daily after school, etc. and also FaceTime/Snapchat. This is monitored closely.

I've casually walked past when on FaceTime and she seems sweet enough, but it's her birthday next week and DD has decided she is going to use her pocket money to buy her some points you can buy in game, it apparently lets you 'buy cool stuff' she has bought some for herself before.

The reason I'm reluctant is because this money is pocket money and I know sounds harsh, but has come from me. I don't think 6 months is that long either and also, DD has no idea of this girl will have any intentions of getting her a birthday present.

DH "doesn't see the harm" but he rarely gets involved and would probably let her do whatever she wanted!

Opinions please. Thanks.

Sounds fine. Her pocket money is hers to spend as she wants, surely?

Provided you are certain the young girl really is a young girl, obviously. But if you have doubts about that, you have bigger things to address than the present...

Oh I don't think she isn't a girl. She plays in the living room/FaceTimes on the sofa, etc. etc. but I'm just more concerned that DD is being a bit naive about how 'close' of a friend this person actually is. Especially to want to buy her a birthday present.

Yes it is her pocket money to spend, but I have provided it for her to go out and socialise with her real life friends, etc.

i don't see a probkem with her buying a small gift for her friend but agree you have to be sure this is a girl of similar age. You mentioned FaceTime so I assume you are sure.

I think it depends in the amount she is soending. If its a fiver then I wouldn't worry. If its a large amount then I see your point.

How much does she want to spend?

No I wouldn't have it. It's up to you.

It’s her money to do what she wants with I don’t see the harm in her buying her friend a birthday present.

For me I think this would depend on how much she wanted to spend.

Less than £10 I don’t think I’d be bothered. More and I’d say no.

This girl is her friend. Even if they've never met in RL, they spend a lot of time together. Also, it's a one off for her birthday.

I think YABU.

It's a nice thing she wants to get a gift for her friend on her friend. Your reasons why not don't stack up - e.g. 6 months is AGES when you're young!

I also feel that if it is a small amount AND being a birthday gift I would not interfere, having confirmed it really is another kid who comes off as nice. I would, however, make sure my child understands I always expect to be told beforehand of any spending on presents on friends - whether it be irl or online.

My reasoning is: a lot of relationships will be started online now, it’s how our world is moving... I couldn’t really tell my kid to not give someone they genuinely considered a friend a gift when we’d probably be buying random classmates birthday presents a month into a new school year.

I believe it's just under £13.

I am not sure for me the issue would be that I had provided the pocket money but more this... 'I'm just more concerned that DD is being a bit naive about how 'close' of a friend this person actually is. Especially to want to buy her a birthday present.'

The present could change the balance of power in the relationship and may actually make the friendship not as good. The other girl might not be able to do the same for your dd and so this may make it uncomfortable. Money does change things and because it is giving money in a game, rather than a physical gift (so to speak) then it might seem a bit 'weird'.

I guess I would say if they are really friends then there really is no need to give her money on her birthday. My kids don't buy presents for their friends on birthdays unless they are celebrating the birthday and then it would be a physical gift and not money.

I'd trust your gut, and if your dh is like mine it's a case of him not really thinking things through!

interesting message that presents should only be given to people that you know who will return the favour....

What a nice dd you have- a sweet gesture

It is a bit harsh that you are viewing it as your money she’s spending. It’s not like she spending it on drugs or cigarettes. I get that you’re worried she’s being taken for a ride but they sound like they talk a lot both gaming and on ft which is probably similar to if she made friends at an extracurricular activity club or such.

You can always talk to her about your concerns in a general sense but if she had made the friend any other way would you have the same concerns?

Just let her do it.
What's the harm? Worst case scenario...
Girl isn't that great of a friend, friendship cools off soon after. Dd has lost £13 and learns not to do it again? If it was more than £20 I'd agree with you but it's her pocket money to spend (or waste) as she sees fit - whatever the consequences of that are...

You gave her the money. It's not yours anymore.

God, when I was 14 my mum let me saunter down to London on my own to meet with some friends because they had tickets to see David Tennant in Much Ado about Nothing. It was a really good play and they looked after me when I got lost Also went to meet and stay with another mate in London.

I would allow her to give her friend the gift. It is not your money, and what is the worst that could happen? Your daughter is out £13 or so?
My ds bought several gifts for Internet friends with his own money when he was 13.

My kids met most of their good friends online, and it's standard practice for them all to buy each other in-game points, items and the like for birthdays. They also buy each other silly little things online and have them sent to their houses. Standard practice these days.

Thank you for the current replies.

What's the worst that could happen? She spends a bit of pocket money on a friend who might not get her a birthday present in return? I think that's alright tbh. It sounds like they're close and know each other well, giving a birthday gift is very normal under the circumstances.

I think this is a nice and generous impulse in your DD that you should be encouraging - not teaching her the lesson that you should only give gifts to people in the expectation that one day you'll get something in return.