Daughter buying a gift for online friend, AIBU to refuse to allow this?

[AskinginApril]

Really unsure on this one. DH sees no harm, so would like other opinions.

DD(14) plays an online video game. Started playing it around 6 months ago. Met a few people on there (connect through voice chat in the living room). I always heard the conversations. Got relatively close to a girl on there (she says she is the only other girl they have come across) so they clicked. They play together daily after school, etc. and also FaceTime/Snapchat. This is monitored closely.

I've casually walked past when on FaceTime and she seems sweet enough, but it's her birthday next week and DD has decided she is going to use her pocket money to buy her some points you can buy in game, it apparently lets you 'buy cool stuff' she has bought some for herself before.

The reason I'm reluctant is because this money is pocket money and I know sounds harsh, but has come from me. I don't think 6 months is that long either and also, DD has no idea of this girl will have any intentions of getting her a birthday present.

DH "doesn't see the harm" but he rarely gets involved and would probably let her do whatever she wanted!

Opinions please. Thanks.

Some posters do seem to dismiss the value of and be incredibly suspicious of online friendships. I have numerous online friends, some of whom I have met, others who I haven't and never will. My children are the same. These are genuine friends, as real as other friends who I have met.

I just don't understand what the risks are in her doing this that wouldn't apply equally to a friend from school.

People can start to take advantage and they don't even know each other in real life.
How?
And how does not having met make any difference?

Personally, as you are sure it’s a girl the same age and a fairly small amount, I would let her.

If it changes things or the relationship goes sour you can be supportive and use it as a lesson to your DD.

As for wether this girl will return the present on your DD’d birthday... surely you don’t give to receive? That would also be a useful teaching point.

6 months is a long time in a child’s life. Sometimes with friends you just “know” they are a good friend, regardless.

Who knows if they will remain friends when they become bored of the game but if they do, all is good.

I think it's fine. It may turn out this friendship turns sour or fizzles out but that's something your DD needs to learn for herself and she's only risking £13 not her safety or well being so I think that's fine.

I think YABU as long as its not some vast sum of money. Surely her pocket money is hers to do with as she pleases?
Youve seen this girl on facetime so you know its an actual girl her own age...
What does it matter if the girl gets her nothing in return? Its not a good lesson to teach kids to only give a gift because you expect to get one back.
I think if thats what your daughter wants to spend her pocket money on then its a pretty reasonable thing!

YABU. She wants to do a nice thing for her friend with her own money. She's 14, give her some freedom.

Let her, it's her money and not everyone on the internet is a lying troll/paedophile/old man.

When I was in high school my frined got really close with a girl on the internet. They ended up best friends and we even met the girl when she came to our town on holiday with her family.

her money...

As you've seen this girl on FaceTime and know she's 'genuine' I would have no problem with this. I've got some good friends I've only met online and do secret Santa and occasionally other gifts too.
Just because your DD has only met her online doesn't make her any less of a friend.

I wouldn't be happy at all with my daughter spending so much time playing online and making online friends. I don't think it's necessarily unsafe as such, but I'd rather her to be in the real world and doing real activities.

That said, if you are comfortable with her making friends that way, you can't dictate who she spends her pocket money for. She kind of is socialising with a friend online, it's not something I agree with , but she is.

I think it's nice of your daughter to use her money that way, If you give it to her as pocket money surely it's her choice? (within reason)

I agree with MagicFajita. I often used to spend a couple of pounds on daft little presents for my pen pals back in the 90s, and think it's the same these days for people you meet online. You've safely supervised her and know she's who she says she is (which is more than you could do with a pen pal!), so don't see a problem with it.

One of my pen pals is now one of my closest friends and we've been bridesmaids for each other, constantly visit each other and are in touch every day. If that's how it turns out with your daughter, great! If not, £13 isn't the end of the world and I think she'd feel disappointed not to be able to treat her friend.

You can make online friends and I do know people easily dismiss them. I met my DP online 10 years ago and we have now been together as a couple for 8 years. We live together and he's the best friend I've ever had.

I can't see the harm in it, if you explain to your DD that she may not receive a present back on her birthday then I think she can make the choice herself.

"
I can't see the harm in it, if you explain to your DD that she may not receive a present back on her birthday then I think she can make the choice herself."
She's 14. I think she can probably work that out for herself!

Her money, her choice, I think.

Some of the people I've known the longest, am closest to and have shared the most with, I met online. I've had some online friends longer than I've known DH! They are very much real friends and the contact i have with people online is as much part of my real life as the contact have with people offline.

@BertrandRussell not necessarily. I've seen a lot of threads by adults who have given their friends presents, not received anything on their birthdays and then been upset.

'And how does not having met make any difference?'

It doesn't make a difference for chatting on line etc, but I would understand if some felt it made a difference in other areas of friendship.

'And how does not having met make any difference?'

it makes a world of difference. If you are lucky enough to be healthy, out and about, it's a great shame for a 14 year old to prioritise some virtual life over the real one. It's bad enough we all spend so much time online - guilty as anyone here - but encouraging to avoid real life is very sad.

When I was 14, I was on an online forum and met some wonderful people. Some of them are still my closest friends now, over a decade later. I'd say what you are doing making sure she is safe is very responsible and fostering this friendship will be good for her.

Her money her choice if she understands the concept of gift giving is not to receive etc.

At 14 my favourite birthday present was a gift from an online friend. We didn't meet in person until I was 16, but I still have that gift to this day and treasure it.

Online friends can be as real as those we see every day.

it makes a world of difference. If you are lucky enough to be healthy, out and about, it's a great shame for a 14 year old to prioritise some virtual life over the real one. It's bad enough we all spend so much time online - guilty as anyone here - but encouraging to avoid real life is very sad.
This is just bollocks. It is perfectly possible to have online AND offline friends. Who says she is prioritising online over offline? How is allowing a child to have online friendships, encouraging them to avoid real life?

Online IS still real life. This is a real girl who she is talking to and playing with!

no, sorry, I don't buy it. Online is not real life. Keeping in touch with existing friends or loved ones online is one thing, creating whole new friendship another entirely. A 14 year old should be outside with real people, doing sport, hobbies, and various activities - unless she is physically unable to do so of course. There's no shame of meeting people online, but what a waste if you have other choices.

Online resources are amazing if you are in the middle of nowhere, if you are unwell, or far away from your loved ones. It's very sad to use them instead of real life.Virtual friends are not real friends in most context.

DD has made some great friends online,and has gone on to meet them at conventions etc.
I was in the "not real friends,you need real people "camp - but I've come to realise that's wrong,they are real friends,close ,supportive,and longterm.
Not a lot different from my friends,no longer close geographically but still close.
They aren't virtual friends - they are real people,just in Canada/Spain/wherever!
And how can it be a waste to have made good friends,who you care about and who care about you? Wherever they are?

I would definitely let her. Online friendships can be very real.

There is no risk involved. You know the girl is genuine. So you would be very unreasonable to interfere.

@ikeepaforkinmypurse of course online is real. I am real, you are real, we are having a real conversation about a real issue. Other people who I talk to online are genuine friends. We chat about things in the same way as I chat with friends I see. I have spoken verbally to several of them. I don't see how you can argue that you have to physically meet a person in order for them to be a real friend.

Do you expect 14 year olds to be out all of the time? Are they allowed any time online? It IS a hobby - just one that you have decided has no value. What if they are out most of the time but enjoy some time on an evening and weekend chatting and playing games with a few friends online - would that be acceptable?

If a child was spending all of their time playing an online game then I might worry, but if they are doing a variety of activities then I think it's great. So much of life is online now.