Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter buying a gift for online friend, AIBU to refuse to allow this?

101 replies

AskinginApril · 15/06/2018 00:40

Really unsure on this one. DH sees no harm, so would like other opinions.

DD(14) plays an online video game. Started playing it around 6 months ago. Met a few people on there (connect through voice chat in the living room). I always heard the conversations. Got relatively close to a girl on there (she says she is the only other girl they have come across) so they clicked. They play together daily after school, etc. and also FaceTime/Snapchat. This is monitored closely.

I've casually walked past when on FaceTime and she seems sweet enough, but it's her birthday next week and DD has decided she is going to use her pocket money to buy her some points you can buy in game, it apparently lets you 'buy cool stuff' she has bought some for herself before.

The reason I'm reluctant is because this money is pocket money and I know sounds harsh, but has come from me. I don't think 6 months is that long either and also, DD has no idea of this girl will have any intentions of getting her a birthday present.

DH "doesn't see the harm" but he rarely gets involved and would probably let her do whatever she wanted!

Opinions please. Thanks.

OP posts:
Brunsdon1 · 15/06/2018 06:39

I think if I am honest you are being too controlling ,of course young DC need guidance but perhaps talk to her about your concerns about getting too invested in this girl?

If you really see money that you give as pocket money as still yours, and certainly still yours to control that's actually quite worrying

My dmum used to behave very similarly after a long period of very removed relationships with both her Dsis she actually considered it and has since apologised

It may be worth reconsidering your view on this

BertrandRussell · 15/06/2018 06:41

I don:’t understand the problem, really. Your dd has a friend and she ants to spen her own money on buying her a present. When I was young we had pen friends- it was quite usual to send them birthday and Christmas presents

Pleasebeafleabite · 15/06/2018 06:43

At 14 she should certainly be able to spend her pocket money on her friend. Online friendships like this mean a lot to teens - times have moved on

MiniCooperLover · 15/06/2018 06:45

So she should only buy someone a present if there's a guarantee of it being returned? That's an odd attitude. Your daughter wants to be kind, so what if it's 'your money' that makes up her pocket money? Once you hand it to her it belongs to her!

MagicFajita · 15/06/2018 06:45

I'd say this is the modern day equivalent of me spending some pocket money on a gift for my penpal in the early 90s , I did this a few times.

It seems harmless enough.

snewname · 15/06/2018 06:51

I think I would feel like you but I would probably let her do it and be proud that I've got a nice daughter.

Somersetter · 15/06/2018 06:53

I think I would explain all the reasons I thought she shouldn't do it, but that ultimately it's her money and her decision. And I'd thank her for telling me before doing it too and say they she always needs to tell me when gaming life starts to cross over into real life at all.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 15/06/2018 06:58

Are you worried that she isn't spending time/interacting with people in real life after school/in school? I think this is a different issue. If gaming means that she has moved her life and investment in people online then yes I would be concerned about that. As others have said though for this issue specifically it is not really different to sending a present to a pen pal. In fact she knows this girl better than any pen pals I ever had.

AtomicGlitterBomb · 15/06/2018 07:00

It’s her pocket money, if she wants to buy her friend a gift let her.

The play together and speak every day, if this was a girl from school rather than online would you feel the same way about the gift and their ‘closeness’?

For context DP is 36 and a ‘gamer’ he made two friends playing online at 13-15 and they are still two of his closest friends, he still plays online with them regularly and they talk virtually daily.
one is in the Netherlands and he goes to visit him every couple of months.

I met someone on here whom I consider a close friend, even though we’ve only ever spoken via text and email.

Don’t discount the friendship just because they met online.

Mrschainsawuk · 15/06/2018 07:01

Funny really my dh best friend they met though a game 16 years ago so it is a real friendship and 13 squid is not a lot as a one off

TheWrongTrousers · 15/06/2018 07:03

I would let her as long as it's an in-game present and a small amount of money. The girl is a friend. But your DD doesn't know what her friend can afford to give in return, let alone whether she will want to. It's embarrassing for the friend if she can't reciprocate. Maybe suggest a smaller present for a first time? (Posting as an old lady with no sense of how much cash teenagers have these days Grin)

NotARegularPenguin · 15/06/2018 07:06

I would be fine with this. Some of dd's online friends are her best friends. Good to have when drama kicks off with school mates. Dd has known her group for 4 years now and they meet up at conventions, etc.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 15/06/2018 07:36

This is eye opening that young people build up actual friendships online. Reassuring that they do meet up in RL. I guess it must take the pressure off school friendships...

Tambien · 15/06/2018 07:40

So but I cant see the issue.
It’s her pocket money, she is 14yo. Up to her to do whatever she wants with it. You can’t control what she is doing with things you have given her. Esp at 14yo when she really needs to start learning to take decisions in her own.
If the friend isn’t actually such a good friend then she will have learnt a lesson about online friends.

I have to say I Hmm at the idea that 6 months is too short to know of she is a ‘good’ friend. Would you say that if it was someone from her school?
I’m also Hmm at the idea that you only give someone a b’day present if yo know for sure thatvthe other person will reciprocate.

BarbedBloom · 15/06/2018 07:43

I would let her but just set a sensible limit. I met an online friend at 13 and I am now 36 and she is still one of my best friends in the world (yes we have met in real life).

TuTru · 15/06/2018 07:48

I’d be concerned to, but as long as you are keeping an eye on things it’s probably fine.
I have an online friend, have know him since 1999 and occasionally we send each other a gift. Just as I would a rl friend if I thought I saw something they’d appreciate, or a birthday or whatever.
As long as it’s not your only source of friendship, internet friends can be just as close and valuable to a person xx
Imo

Igorina · 15/06/2018 07:50

DD has no idea of this girl will have any intentions of getting her a birthday present.

So you would rather she develop the attitude that we should only give gifts to get some in return?

She just wants to do something nice.

I had some really close online friends at her age and still speak to a few of them today.

BertrandRussell · 15/06/2018 07:54

My ds has quite niche musical tastes. He has friends all over the world that share his interests. He’s met a couple- but the vast majority he never will. But that doesn’t matter- why would it?

He actually makes music with a couple of them- a proper band who do proper band practice- but many miles apart!

Timeforabiscuit · 15/06/2018 07:59

I think its really sweet! Friendships develop online, dd has kept in touch with a couple of friends who have moved away this way.

I think as long as there arent any unhealthy dynamics in the friendship then a gift is lovely.

Frogscotch7 · 15/06/2018 08:01

Agree totally with somersetter - tell her your reservations, let her make the decision and always acknowledge and praise openness with you.

Flaminglingos · 15/06/2018 08:03

Where will it stop? Will it escalate to regular gift buying? Will the girl start to demand specific expensive gifts? Is she using gifts to buy a friendship? Those points would be my concern and I think you're right to worry.

slashlover · 15/06/2018 08:05

I met some of my best friends online. We meet up once or twice a year and I've sent a couple of them birthday cards/presents/Christmas gifts/etc.

At least with an online purchase, the bank details are safe and they don't even need to swap addresses.

Igorina · 15/06/2018 08:07

Do you worry about those things when your DC buy their RL friends birthday gifts, Flamming?

MrsLaurac · 15/06/2018 08:08

I was 15 when i met one of my best friends online were now in our thirties and although live miles apart have enjoyed each others big moments. So it might not be a bad thing so long as your absoloutly sure she is who she says she is? And end of the day £13 isnt really a lot of money and at worst gives her a nice feeling of spoiling her friends.

montenuit · 15/06/2018 08:08

I think you're overthinking it.

It's her online gaming friend's birthday next week.
She wants to buy her some points for the game they play.

I would be fine with this. You're keeping a close eye, all seems above board. She's not sending extravagant gifts through the post, just some points for the game.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.