Daughter buying a gift for online friend, AIBU to refuse to allow this?

[AskinginApril]

Really unsure on this one. DH sees no harm, so would like other opinions.

DD(14) plays an online video game. Started playing it around 6 months ago. Met a few people on there (connect through voice chat in the living room). I always heard the conversations. Got relatively close to a girl on there (she says she is the only other girl they have come across) so they clicked. They play together daily after school, etc. and also FaceTime/Snapchat. This is monitored closely.

I've casually walked past when on FaceTime and she seems sweet enough, but it's her birthday next week and DD has decided she is going to use her pocket money to buy her some points you can buy in game, it apparently lets you 'buy cool stuff' she has bought some for herself before.

The reason I'm reluctant is because this money is pocket money and I know sounds harsh, but has come from me. I don't think 6 months is that long either and also, DD has no idea of this girl will have any intentions of getting her a birthday present.

DH "doesn't see the harm" but he rarely gets involved and would probably let her do whatever she wanted!

Opinions please. Thanks.

It's not your money. It's hers now. It stopped being your money the moment you gave it to your daughter.

If she wants to spend it, she should be able to.

i think thats nice. I have a lot of online friends. Not that I send them stuff, but i dont think theyre less of a friend than my RL friends

Do you know what age her friend is? I would want to know. Both because if she was 10 and the 10 yr old was my daughter I would be wondering who is buying her things online.

In terms of the gift, yes, if this is money which is hers to spend then a gift for a birthday sounds fine.

It's more than time you started learning when to keep your beak out. Your DD is 14 and wants to spend a small sum of her money on a friend. (Her pocket money is her money, not yours.) There is nothing whatsoever wrong with this. If you start pissing about and issuing orders over something as reasonable and pleasant as buying a friend a gift, then your DD will see you as an interfering, unreasonable twat, lose trust in you and then have no one to turn to if things go wrong in her relationships and friendships.

@Flaminglingos what a nonsensical reaction. Kids buy birthday presents for each other all the time. Every time your DC goes to a birthday party with a gift do you go into paroxysms about whether the recipient will then start expecting regular presents?!

I think a lot of PP's concerns come from a suspicion that online friendships are innately risky and frightening. And while online safety is hugely important and it's good to be alert to possible dangers, in this situation where OP has seen the girl over FaceTime and therefore knows that she is a teenage girl, the risks in her DD buying a birthday present for her friend really are low.

How do you know if the girl is a girl? Have you seen her?

Is it Fortnite btw?

I don't see the problem. When I was a similar age I had alot of penpals and online friends that I chatted to on msn. This was 16+ years ago, so things were different but we'd always send eachother stickers, books, stationary, etc for birthdays. It meant alot to me to have those friends because I was fairly shy as a kid.

Aslong as the girl is who she says she is and it's just a small gift then I think it's fine.

What's the problem? It's nice of your daughter

If it was a friend from school would you have a problem with it?

Dd has loads of online friends. Some she has met and some she hasn't. She also has plenty of rl friends too.

I met my partner through online gaming many years ago.

Your dd sounds kind. If she wants to give some game points as a present, then she should be allowed.

You’re being weird about it purely because they’ve met online. It’s just a birthday present and you’re monitoring the relationship properly so what’s the issue?

No no no

Inappropriate amount and gesture for a friend she's never met and has only known 6 months.

Op you dont think its a girl who is online. Are they saying they are?

It sounds fine to me. Your daughter is a thoughtful generous girl. It would be sad if her feelings were eventually hurt by non-reciprocation but having hurt feelings is a chance we take in all relationships, online or IRL.

I also think that it is wrong to think of it as your money. Pocket money is a gift to be spent as the child chooses. It is also a chance to learn to make financial decisions at a time when making a bad choice will not have serious ramifications.

When DC were little they spent their birthday gift monies on what I thought were ridiculously expensive Furby toys. My MIL was with us and I could tell she was appalled at the extravagance. The novelty of the toys palled very quickly and it was a useful life lesson that just because something is all the rage it isn't always worth the money.

It isn't your money and gifts are given without the expectation of a gift in return. Better to learn a harsh-ish lesson now over a few quid than when older and possibly standing to lose more money?

Where will it stop? Will it escalate to regular gift buying? Will the girl start to demand specific expensive gifts? Is she using gifts to buy a friendship? Those points would be my concern and I think you're right to worry.
The big advantage of online friendship is that they are very easy to step away from! No risk of seeing/meeting said CF in the corridors at school.

So yes that person might turn out to be CF. Just as any other friend she can make in RL.
And she will have to deal with itnthe same way she would ifshe was a friend in her class/school. Why do you think the risk is higher??

Would you be as worried if the £13 was for a school friend whom you didn't know?
Your DD is 14. I think that you have lots of safeguards in place and what she is asking isn't unreasonable.

You're seeing the friendship as different because it originated on-line. Your daughter sees it as the same. I think you should follow her lead.
If you would feel better if the girls knew each other in person and the distance doesn't make it unfeasible, why not organise for them to meet up in the summer holidays?

I think it's fine (for those saying "it's only 6 months" - that's not much less than current Year 7s will have known new school friends - and my Y7 DD certainly considers them good friends and wants to buy them presents!)

My DS has a "girl friend" online (actually wondering if it is your DD or the other girl as girls do seem far between!). Based on the way she speaks she is either genuinely a 14 year old girl, or a consummate actor. She lives 200 miles away. He may never meet her in RL (actually he got to know her because she was his friend's cousin's friend, but that's still a fairly tenuous link). He probably talks to her more than any actual girl he knows in RL. If he wanted to send her a present I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

RedSkyAtNight have they faced timed etc? I think you need to be careful there until you know for sure. Also phone calls don’t count.

Watch a few eps of Catfish and you’ll get the idea.

Surely it is better to encourage your daughter to be generous and kind, rather than selfish and mean?

As long as your daughter accepts that just because she gives a gift to another person, doesn’t necessarily mean that she will get one back. So long as the online friend is genuinely a girl of the same age, and the gift is not high value, I don’t see a problem. You will more likely be able to nip anything untoward in the bud if you are accommodating now, than if you act in a way that encourages her to shut you out of these things.

I am a “girl gamer”, I have many online female gaming friends (was in an all female clan before it disbanded), several of whom I have met in real life. You will be surprised at just how many middle aged female gamers there are, so i’m sure nowadays there will be far more young girls getting into gaming than there has been in the past.

"real life friends" sorry but when I was younger most of my true friends were ones met on the internet, the ones I had in "real life" didn't come to close to being as friendly or caring as the ones met online.

I think you should continue to monitor this friendship for now however I don't see the harm in letting your kid buy her friend a present, if anything you should be proud of how thoughtful and sweet she is, waiting to use her own pocket money to buy someone else a gift, how nice!

Careful about what? A girl (or maybe not a girl) that he's talking random gamer stuff to over the internet? I can't imagine anyone who's not a gamer teenage girl would be interested talking the hours and hours of rubbish they do. If he starts talking to her outside of the game or wanting to exchange more personal details, maybe I'll worry a bit more.

Sorry, I thought you meant they were talking more like the OP.

Personally, I wouldn't. I'm not sure why but it doesn't sit well with me.

People can start to take advantage and they don't even know each other in real life.