To ask if you've regretted a location move

[mikado1]

..have you moved back and in what time frame or have you accepted your lot/mistake and got on with it (and if the latter, did you eventually get over it?)

I think our move was a big mistake but I'm not sure where to go from here, if could turn back time, I'd not do it but it's not quite so simple to retrace steps now it's done. Schools and house to be found in a sought after area being the basic issue plus a £40k increase in mortgage.. am I mad to consider it? I'm awake at night berating myself and haven't gone a single day in nearly a year, without thinking of the place and life we left.

Should say move was to hometown, and was what I always thought we'd do but reality hasn't measured up and i didn't realise how much we'd settled in old place as years had passed.

Anyone with advice or experience, would really appreciate it.

[mikado1]

DH now says he doesn't want to go back... Too expensive. I'm devastated.

[Miladamermalada]

Sorry. Is he open to discussion?

[Oly5]

If you hate it then move! Life is far too short to feel trapped in a life you don’t want.
You haven’t messed up your kids lives. Move once more and be done with it. They will be ok

[Middleoftheroad]

DH now says he doesn't want to go back... Too expensive. I'm devastated.

But it's not just his call. I am in the same boat and think I could persuade him to move, knowing that I am more unhappy here than he is happy IYSWIM?

Not sure it hits him every day like it does me or every time I need to drive back to my old area to go to the supermarket or where DC's old friends and clubs are.

OP - we've been here 16 months now. I'm doing it up, knowing deep down I plan to move, but it won't be yet due to how stressful our last move was (awful vendors)

[mikado1]

He is so cross and frustrated. I thought for a long time this was where I wanted to be but.. I kept saying I wanted it to be reversible last year, as I was so so unsure but he refused to rent the house. I just keep thinking of the simple things that I'm missing that I didn't think were a big deal individually but not if them have been replaced here and they all made up what my life was there..

[Whit3sailz]

I've moved several times. No regrets so far. Each place has had positives and negatives. I expect to need to move again in the future, possibly for work related reasons. The last time I moved, it took 3 months until it felt like home

[mikado1]

I do see what you mean MiddleOfTheRoad ! And I feel the same. He said he's perfectly happy to stay here but bar the money issue-admittedly it is much more expensive but that's what we were paying- he can't actually identify something r likes whereas I have a list of things I miss very much.. plus I feel it would be a wonderful place for our DC to grow up. I have to stop going back tho and kicking myself for doing it in the first place..! I think if I had a school for ds1 that would be massive. I really appreciate the feedback and handholds here.

[lineyturner]

What a thought provoking thread.

So sorry you're going through this op.

We looked at moving more rurally but didn't for a variety of reasons. We both have strong routes in current town but it's so bloody expensive.

It's DH who is sensible and says home is where our family is (true) and wistful me has romanticised the idea of a rural idyll.

[Miladamermalada]

I think sometimes men base their decisions on facts then the feelings follow-the opposite of women. He has 'worked out' everything and it works on paper, so for him it's sorted. You on the other hand are feeling the decisions and that is much harder. Can you agree a time period, say another year or 6 months, then re-evaluate?
You can't be this unhappy inevitably.

[Trooperslane2]

We moved from BigTowinInNI to BigTownInScotland - work was in short supply then.

DH work is very portable, I was much more ambitious then - now I'd move back move back in a heartbeat if work was the only driver, but we have an amazing community here and now home is interchangeable.

Scottish friends - are you going home for Christmas?
NI friends - when are you going home?

[Snugglepumpkin]

I moved from somewhere quite central (as an adult with a grown up child who left home) to somewhere I had lived as a child because I loved it & at the time, & I had a job that meant I could work anywhere.
I now regret it, my life has completely changed & I can no longer afford to move away, but I have a younger child now.

The area I now live in has very poor employment prospects so realistically my younger child will have to move hundreds of miles to have any chance of a career once he leaves education.
I have almost no chance of getting employment as I am no longer physically able to do my old job & if I do it would be cleaning/care home/shop assistant if I was lucky - nothing wrong with those jobs, but they lead nowhere & a few hundred people up to 30 years younger than me are applying so I don't even get an interview.
I don't blame employers, I wouldn't pick me over the other candidates either.
My accent is too posh, I don't 'fit' & it's the kind of place where that isolates you.
It is also very expensive to get around where we are & there are a lot less opportunities for pretty much anything you can think of.

It was the right place for me with my old job & without kids, it's the wrong place for me with no job & a child.
It would still be the wrong place really if I had a job, but at least I would have a chance to save & move.

[Blackirishe]

We moved from big city to largish town after a period of ill health that meant I could not work for a few years. We could no longer afford the mortgage where we were. We moved to DH home town. In some ways it was the right move, it allowed me space to grieve the life I had lost without constant reminders and that was very helpful.

However we never settled, barely saw in laws. DH had horrible commute back into city we had left. Town was very insular, hard to make friends.

After 2 years we bit the bullet and moved back to original city. We moved from 5 bed detached house in commuter town to 3 bed terrace in city. It was the best decision. DH could cycle to work, kept him fit. Had access to culture and restaurants again. This was pre children so could actually access that stuff!

Financially that decision was difficult, we lost a lot of money, buying and selling so quickly. It was the right one though.

[mikado1]

Really appreciate the comments. I notice those who moved back didn't regret but those who stayed didn't always settle.. and that's the fear. However we've been thrown a curve ball as DH has been offered a job locally (he was away 4 nights a week commuting since we moved) so... By decision imminent. Really it comes to living a lovely spot and give children all the opportunity that comes with bring near capita city, but with v little extra cash (and I'm imagining @2&6 they're not yet costing us what they will, though there is a chunk of cash on childcare) or stay near small city,in bigger house in nice area but with a lot more disposable cash, things like holidays and travel v doable regularly.. any opinions??

I feel today I am happy and at home in my house here but miss the gloss and amenities in old place.. is it worth bulk of 1k more a month..??

[Miladamermalada]

OP I'd stay. The thing which made my mind up was your DH new job-meant to be. The extra money could be used to travel and have opportunities.
You keep saying you miss the 'gloss'. What do you mean?

[Rainbowsteacupsandkittens]

Yes, I’m homesick for Australia. I am making the move back, hopefully this year.

[thelatestone]

No advice, I moved 8 months ago from a home, city and friends and vocation I loved. I didn't want to move but EA DH put immense emotional coercive pressure on me to move and I did. I bitterly regret it and feel utterly destroyed. Only upside is that I have finally been able to see DH for the abusive bastard that he is.

[2018Already]

Interesting @thelatestone, I have just moved under similar circumstances. I was not keen at all to move but because I got I job in the new place I felt like I had to move to make my DH happy (he’s flexible about where he can work). It soon became clear that I didn’t want to but he really piled on the pressure. It’s a side of him I hadn’t seen before so didn’t really spot the pressure until it was too late. It’s really changed my view of him. I was devastated about the move for weeks. Starting to feel better now, but no huge gains for me, only losses really. I hear you, OP.

[mikado1]

I suppose I mean it was a sought sfterx, naice area. We only managed to afford there because of a big drop in prices at the time. People fairly similar values, aspirations etc..

[Pp3000]

@Luckystar1 hope you don't mind me jumping on this but I'm moving back to NI too after 10 years in London! We move next month - slightly terrified! Just had an offer on a house accepted today but will be staying with friends for he first 6 weeks Just trying to work out how to get our belongings back too...

[WheelyCote]

Oh yes. Current county. Moved to be with ex (dumb move) he's now moved away

[mikado1]

Also, the sea close by, big green parks s walk away... I miss nature. I've to get in the car all the time here but it's still on the coast -15 min to beach by car.

[letsallhaveanap]

yes! and we moved back to where we came from after six months!
It was a massive waste of money as the house we had had that we left was perfect for our growing family and the one we moved into was inadequate...
I think we had to do it though because my husband really wanted to even though I was dubious... so at least we gave it a go... if we had never even tried he may still have been going on about it now... We gave it a go and it did not work...
So now we are back here and I think we intend to stay for a long time..... I wont look at it as a massive waste of money overall because now we truly know which side our bread is buttered!!

[thelatestone]

Yes @2018Already. I have noticed amongst my friends that where there is a male/female couple and there is a decision they disagree on, it ends up going in the way of the man. Women, in these situations , seem susceptible to guilt if they don't 'make' the man happy. Men do not feel guilty about making the woman unhappy. Small sample size but this is how it has gone.
I haven't just changed my view of my husband but also of myself. I used to think I was a feminist but now I hate myself for being such a fucking weak handmaiden and having let myself be coerced into such an appalling situation.

[Mungomango]

I moved to another country to keep DH happy. Big massive mistake. Would give anything to move back now

[CecilyNeville]

Four years ago we moved from London to a nice city of 150k people, which was meant to be a stepping stone to a more rural existence; something H and I had talked about since the beginning. H decided fairly quickly he'd rather not live in the country after all, and eventually neither of us wanted to stay in the city at all - it was a pleasant place, but felt quite claustrophobic, was starting to really sprawl, and took quite long in horrible traffic to get into proper countryside. We also wanted to separate, and needed to live somewhere cheaper so we could both be adequately accommodated while co-parenting DS.

So we moved a couple of hundred miles away to a lovely town, where it's peaceful, good community, more affordable, and with fields, orchards and farms all around. 20-40 mins drive to a few 150k sized cities, and an hour from a big city.

It does feel a bit like we wasted time by our first move, but I guess we learned something from it. It was a part of the country I'd always wanted to live in (the south west) so I'm glad we tried it, and can rule it out.