To ask if you've regretted a location move

[mikado1]

..have you moved back and in what time frame or have you accepted your lot/mistake and got on with it (and if the latter, did you eventually get over it?)

I think our move was a big mistake but I'm not sure where to go from here, if could turn back time, I'd not do it but it's not quite so simple to retrace steps now it's done. Schools and house to be found in a sought after area being the basic issue plus a £40k increase in mortgage.. am I mad to consider it? I'm awake at night berating myself and haven't gone a single day in nearly a year, without thinking of the place and life we left.

Should say move was to hometown, and was what I always thought we'd do but reality hasn't measured up and i didn't realise how much we'd settled in old place as years had passed.

Anyone with advice or experience, would really appreciate it.

[mikado1]

See that's the thing, how do I know if we should hang on in there (would have a lot more disposable cash if it were to work out here), or go back now while we (maybe) can? Four years seems along time to give it but you obviously needed that time to make it home for you. So bloody hard to know.

[GhostofFrankGrimes]

I think the hardest thing is admitting to yourself that it hasn't worked out and throwing in the towel. If you've been willing yourself to like the place (like I did) for years and still can't settle then the time is probably up.

[KevinTheYuccaPlant]

Not exactly regret, but we moved from south London to the Highlands 10 years ago to be close to DH's mother, who was starting to fall regularly. She died a few weeks ago and I got hit by a massive wave of homesickness for southwest England because next year my mother will be the same age as DH's mother was when we moved here - he's had a wonderful 10 years of being able to pop in on her two or three times a week to check she's okay and I'm not going to get to have that with my mum, unless we upheave everything here. We're working towards a solution that will allow me to spend one week a month with her, but it's not quite the same.

[Loopytiles]

How long has it been so far for you since moving OP, and what ages are your DC?

I would personally say a year is probably not long enough to give it but 4 years is too long! Also depends on the key reasons for not liking it.

Eg I dislike the long commute from where we live, which was an immediately obvious disadvantage, but some things, eg social stuff and schools (eg if your local schools are popular but your DC not yet of school age so you’re not yet benefiting from this) may take time.

[Counttofour]

I think it's a good point to think about the reasons you moved and why you regret the move and about what you miss, about what you enjoy and what is important to you etc. You need to try get your DH to work through this with you.

[mikado1]

It's been almost a year and the regret started 3m in, when we moved from my parents to new house. Ds1 in first year of primary which was why we thought good time to do it plus both my DPs failing.. I was on the road quite a bit before this move. What a miss is the gloss of the old place, the physical surroundings; lots of water and greenery, could walk/cycle most places and yet had great shops etc Inc great school (place gone now). Who knew the fantasy life was the one I had and left? :(

I do need to work through but dh, who did it for me, cannot work through it, and couldn't deal with the major uncertainty at time of decision either because it was always the plan.

[Ohsuchaperfectday]

Op can you just try and move again. It's so awful to feel like this. I understand the dh part too. Mine is like this.

[busybarbara]

I got up off the sofa the other night to get a drink and when I came back the dog had taken my place so I sorely regretted a location move in this instance

[dangermouseisace]

It took me 4 years only because I had lots of life shit going on. Everything went wrong, and it’s unlikely to do that for you.

I looked at how things could be in both situations in the years going forwards. So, for example:
Lovely city: I’d have a social/cultural life. Kids would end up at shit schools inappropriate for their needs. Kids would be restricted as to what they could do (dangerous roads, drugs, limited youth opportunities)
New place: no social life but that could be changed. Kids at better schools, and happy, good secondary schools. Kids can have a lot of freedom from a younger age, lots of organised activities for young people, particularly outdoorsy stuff.

I couldn’t change the drugs and danger in the old place, but I could make an effort to make a life in the new place, so I stayed.

I’d suggest making a list of pros and cons and see how that pans out.

[Yogagirl123]

We moved from a city to what is classed as a “rural community” a few years back. I didn’t want to leave the city, but DH was keen as we could buy a much larger home, fell love with the house we purchased, but I worried about the transition and whether we would be happy there, we moved and have been really happy, great school etc, this won’t be our last move and will probably change location again when our DS’ leave home. We have no ties to the area.

[blue25]

Yes we moved away from the SE for two years. Have now moved back. Yes it's more expensive but we missed days in London, the restaurants, galleries, theatre etc. We also underestimated the insular, quite racist attitudes in the area we moved to.

[GreenProvence]

I’ve lived in over 48 different addresses since birth.
When people ask where you come from, I genuinely don’t know how to answer.
I’ll say the town that gives me butterflies when I’m driving past it on the motorway, or driving into it and the sign that says ‘Welcome to Wiltshire’. That’s my hometown.

Yet I developed a fondness for a town hundreds of miles away omcemthat I lived in for a couple of years, and I also feel loyalty to the county of Cornwall even though I only lived down one end of it for about 18 months!

I moved back to a place I left at 18, and I’ll never find fondness for it unfortunately because of the bad memories from my past here. But I know I’ll never move, because my fiancé was born and bred here and won’t ever move he says, and my children, well, this is their hometown now, this is their memories being banked right here.

There’s a mental block to me learning to love the place. I’ve lived here since 2009 and still don’t have any feelings for it. I wish that would change, but I’ll probably end up dying in this town too I just accept its another one of those sacrifices you make for your young kids. I wouldn’t dream of uprooting them from their hometown.

[Miladamermalada]

Perhaps we should start a thread on how to make a place your home when you are unhappy there.
There seem to be a lot of us in the same boat. I'd also like to escape some abusive family but the kids are so settled I don't know what to do.
To me home is where the people you love are. The person I love is in a different country and there would be home for me, if only I could get there but my children don't even speak the language.
I feel better that there are others who feel like me.

[mikado1]

It does help to hear others feel the same and yet cope. ATM I feel I not living fully. Pp who said they'd never uproot your DC from hometown-really, never? Even if you felt it was the right move for you all? I definitely have huge guilt wrt what I've taken from my ds1 especially, ie life in the old place.

[Miladamermalada]

It depends why you're moving I guess Mikado. I moved aged 10 and it was never the same. You never catch up on the friendships you lost, you're new at schools etc.
I did have friends at secondary but moved again going to uni (I couldn't go) and lost all my friends, and never made new ones.
What were your reasons for moving? It may help to explore them.
I'm not living fully either.
Sometimes I wonder if I'd live fully anywhere.

[mikado1]

Gosh .. lots of people move, I really thought DS would be fine, 5@time of moving and 6 if we return.. who knows what school I'd get him into. Dh v infuriated with me, as for years I wanted this move.

[Polarbearflavour]

Moving from London to Plymouth with military DP

[Miladamermalada]

What did you want from the move? Are you getting it? If not why not. What is wrong specifically.
And yes loads of people move. You've done nothing wrong.

[mikado1]

What I wanted was to be 'home' - I hadn't realised that the old place had become home, especially since DC and I find myself comparing hometown unfavourably. I wanted to be near DPs and able to help- I got this but it can be overwhelming and I realise the weekends I gave were worth more than I thought, tho the travel was tiring and DC were that bit younger.

[GreenProvence]

Mikado I said I’d never uproot my DC from their hometown, because they’ve banked their memories here for several years now. It’s not my hometown and never will be. No matter how hard I try.

Having lived at over 48 addresses all over the country myself, I have an appreciation for roots and affinity to a place. Home isn’t where you lay your hat, or where your heart is, I think it’s where your fondest memories were/are.

Hiraeth
is a Welsh word which means 'nostalgia', or, more commonly, 'homesickness'. Many Welsh people claim 'hiraeth' is a word which cannot be translated, meaning more than solely "missing something" or "missing home."

[Cheerymom]

I moved from London back to home country of Ireland. Couldn't be happier. Took about two years though to settle with jobs houses etc, I'm about to have a dawn swim in the sea opposite.

[AltheaorDonna]

I've moved loads, including NI to London, London to Cork and finally ( I hope!) Cork to Australia. They were all good moves and suited my life at the time. The only move I didn't like was within London, Earlsfield to Morden, but that's because Morden is a shit hole. I'm often asked by family in NI if I'll ever move back even though I left over 25 years ago! Sorry, but not for a million pounds. I know its much improved now, but I never felt at home there even as a child, probably not helped by growing up during the Troubles.

[Cheerymom]

Althearo, yes I get the NI thing but as I'm from the Republic its easier. I think NI is getting worse, most recent studies show a lot of racism www.belfastlive.co.uk/news/amnesty-international-says-northern-ireland-14781116 and the DUP does it no favours. Shame as its so beautiful. Not sure what the solution is.

[Johnnycomelately1]

Dh and I regretted our first international move. Tbh it was a combination of bad timing (we landed the day Lehmans went bankrupt) and life stage (we fell between the party hard twenty somethings and the people our own age who mostly had dc when we didn't so we found it hard to get traction socially). The state of the economy meant I found it impossible to get a job. We also made a bad decision about where to live and the noise was majorly stressful. We made the best of it and we do have some good memories, but left after 10 months for another international assignment and have lived here 9 years now with no plans to leave.

[BitchQueen90]

I moved from a location close to 2 cities to a seaside town.

It was dire. No jobs, high unemployment, drug problems because there was nothing else to do. I don't think seaside towns are great for kids at all.

I moved back when DS was 8 months old and I'm so happy I did.