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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want the school to keep DS safe

117 replies

GenedlGymreig · 14/06/2018 07:04

DS is in year 1 and a generally very happy and sporty boy. Unfortunately there a 4 boys in his class who physically assault him on a fairly regular basis. On a roughly weekly basis he will tell us that one of them punched him in the face and made him cry. It seems the 4 boys are not working in a team but each have their own behaviour problems.

One of them, boy A, was clearly bullying DS and eventually we managed to persuade the school to talk to his parents which seems to have stopped the physical assaults. Boy A has carried on being verbally mean however.

Boy B is cleverer and is careful to only assault DS when the observant teacher is not working. (The teachers are often part time.) He seems to have a personal grudge against DS. My guess is that it is because DS is very good at sport and he wants to be the best.

Boy C’s mother was overheard recently lamenting that the school won’t help her get a certificate of special needs for her son. Boy C appears to assault lots of children and gets sent to the head regularly.

Boy D attacks DS less frequently and it doesn’t seem to be personal. He also punches DS in the face and makes him cry.

I would just like DS to be able to go to school without fear of being attacked. Every day I pick him up I have to ask if he has been attacked that day,

I can see the problem is hard for the school. I have a meeting today
with one of the class teachers but I can't work out what I can say to them. But AIBU to want them to do something to keep DS safe?

OP posts:

Sleephead1 · 14/06/2018 07:14

Sounds awful op and of course your son shoumd be safe whst have the school done so far ? I think in that situation I would look at the other schools available as it sounds awful. Of it was one other boy it would be different but with it being four boys I would be worried it just isn't going to get better.

elQuintoConyo · 14/06/2018 07:16

Yanbu. Raise merry hell. They should be on top of this. It is not acceptable. Could you speak to the head?

Thehop · 14/06/2018 07:16

Do you have other schools as an option?

Original poster

GenedlGymreig · 14/06/2018 07:19

All the nearby schools are oversubscribed so I don't know how easy changing school will be. The school is generally very approachable so I would like to try to persuade them to fix the problem. I am just not sure how. What options do they have?

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 14/06/2018 07:21

I think you need to see the head teacher, not the class teacher.

Clairenewbie · 14/06/2018 07:23

You want the honest truth? Schools do nothing. Kids know what they can get away with and will keep pushing, so to end this get your boy into a karate club so he learns if one hits him he can hit the little shit back harder. And yes bullies are little shits who grow up to be even bigger shits

Haggisfish · 14/06/2018 07:25

I would phone the other schools and get put on the waiting list for a place -people move and places come up all the time.

Original poster

GenedlGymreig · 14/06/2018 07:26

Although it's not in my nature, I do feel I need to put some pressure on the school otherwise they won't do much. Do they have a legal requirement to keep DS safe, for example, that I can mention or is there some similar pressure point that might kick them into action?

OP posts:

grasspigeons · 14/06/2018 07:27

It sounds awful. It's really unusual for such young children to punch people in the face like that. There must be some copy cat behaviour going on.
Of course you need your child safe and of course the school should do everything possible to stop this happening. Have a look at their behaviour policy before going to the head. See if they are following it.

MaisyPops · 14/06/2018 07:30

Your poor DC.
Talk to the class teacher. Keep calm but firmly assertive. Ask to see a copy of the school's bullying policy and and take it from there. The class teacher may be aware and is trying things but not being backed by senior leadership (it happens), it might be that the teacher is putting things in place but one of the children's parents thinks their not official view their child has SEND is being obstructive and denying their child has done anything (again also happens, I had a parent blame me for the fact their NT child assaulted me. Apparently I should have known how to deal with them and that's how he is at home!! My crime? I'd told him to stop being verbally abusive to other students). Agree next steps and keep in regular touch. It's alwyas worth going in with a view to developing a positive relationship seeking a solution rather than going in furious.

If that doesn't work, seek a meeting with whichever member of staff is responsible for whole school behaviour and/or pastoral (my guess in a primary is that would be a member of SLT). Outline your concerns clearly. Avoid speculating that child X targets my son because he probably wants to be best at sport/child Y has parnets pushing for SEND diagnosis though.
Be clear and to the point - 'on monday A happened, on Wednesday B happened etc. I'm sure we all agree that school has a duty of care to my child and him being assaulted repeatedly is not enabling him to be safe in school. What will you be putting in place to ensure this sort of behaviour stops?'
Then follow up with an email thanking them for their time and summarising what was discussed.

Even if a child has SEND needs, it doesn't mean the school can accept other children being physically harmed.

If all of that fails, find the school complaints procedure and follow it meticulously.

whiskybysidedoor · 14/06/2018 07:32

Just move him. The school will say all the right things and then do nothing. The teachers will be well aware it’s happening they aren’t blind.

Honestly for your own and your son’s sake make the complaint but put all your energies into getting him out of there.

YerAuntFanny · 14/06/2018 07:34

Honestly OP, speaking from experience, make sure the school puts a stop to this NOW or move him ASAP.

My DS put up with this for almost 5 years whilst the school did a shit job dealing with it, they talked the talked and I genuinely thought things were progressing until the ring leader tried to stab him in the eye with a pencil in the toilets! The school said they couldn't exclude him because he had "anger issues" and a "less than ideal home life which explains a lot". I was livid that they A) thought this excused it and B) disclosed such information to me. I couldn't trust them after that.

Such a change in my son when he moved school but even now 3 years on he has massive self-esteem issues and is fearful of going out without us because the boys involved live near us. He is currently seeing a psychologist to try to deal with this.

Bullying can seriously damage a kid if it's not dealt with properly and my one regret is trusting the school and not pushing harder thinking it was just kids being kids and they'd move on.

grasspigeons · 14/06/2018 07:34

Not everywhere has lots of school places we've been waiting 3 years. So yes OP move him if that's an option but also work with them.

Original poster

GenedlGymreig · 14/06/2018 07:36

I should have said this has been going on for months. I do talk to the class teacher in the playground fairly regularly but you only get a minute surrounded by all the other parents so that's not ideal. Today will be the second time I have a sit down conversation with him (the other one was about boy A a month or two ago.)

I get the fairly strong impression they would prefer I stopped going on about it because DS generally looks happy when he is not being assaulted and is academically strong so why should they feel sorry for him.

OP posts:

Labradoodliedoodoo · 14/06/2018 07:40

Are you telling the school about each incident? You should be. The school must safe guard your child but must be informed to do so.

Email something factual and short each time if you prefer.

Go on waiting lists for other schools.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 14/06/2018 07:42

Go above the class teacher. Go see the head. The class teacher hasn’t been able to resolve things and so the head is the next natural step. Ask to see the billing policy.

jellybeanteaparty · 14/06/2018 07:43

May be worth looking at a martial self defence class. Not so he can retaliate but so he can avoid and block punches and feel more confident.

MaisyPops · 14/06/2018 07:44

Go above the class teacher. Go see the head. The class teacher hasn’t been able to resolve things and so the head is the next natural step.
Don't go straight to the head.
The OP hasn't propey raised the issues with the class teacher yet.

Everything goes nuclear on MN school threads. By page 2 we'll have someone saying go to Ofsted

First step is to speak properly to the most appropriate person and then escalate in line with school hierarchy. Then follow the complaints procedure.

I agree with PP. You need to be informing school of each incident.

Missingstreetlife · 14/06/2018 07:49

Bullying policy. Duty of care.This is unacceptable, safeguarding issue, see head, they should have a plan or contact governors. Any other parent in same difficulty? Keep daily notes, like a diary, and what they say, email yourself same day and copy head in. Poor boy, he needs building up, sport or martial arts if he's the type.

coolwalking · 14/06/2018 07:51

This is terrible - are these children just 5 years old? They need to be removed immediately from the class. How are physical assaults not treated seriously. I bet if your child retaliated then they would be quick to haul you in and discipline your son.

I would be demanding that these boys are removed and start looking for another school. Don't let up until he is safe. Is this a common thing in England?

Temporaryanonymity · 14/06/2018 07:53

When I exhausted the teacher and HT I thought fuck it, if I was assaulted on a regular basis I'd report it to the police so I did. After four years of utterly pointless and frankly dangerous restorative justice the school finally sat up and did something.

I stopped being nice and got angry.

Schools do NOTHING but try and manage their reputation.

Don't do what I did and trust the school to sort it. They won't.

Barbie222 · 14/06/2018 07:56

That sounds like a particularly difficult class. The dynamics change a lot when there are more than one or two aggressive sen children as the behaviour can become "normalised" in the eyes of the class. It's obviously not appropriate to use the same sanctions for sen children as you would for NT children but little children in year 1 aren't able to understand that and the day to day class life becomes really difficult for the majority when some people get different sanctions for doing the same thing.

Do the school have a parallel class and do they shuffle around regularly? If not I think I would be looking elsewhere as the dynamics of the class sound bad and the teachers can only work with what they have. At yr 1 they are unlikely to have had time to unlock any funding for a diagnosis if the parents haven't done anything about a diagnosis themselves before their children started school.

Havabiscuit · 14/06/2018 08:02

I’ll be honest. I had issues like this with my second youngest daughter, she changed personality after starting school. I took her out of school and Home schooled her for a while. Then we bit the billet and paid privately.

Summersnake · 14/06/2018 08:02

I've moved my kids school for far less than that...it sounds horrendous,he will end up hating school

MyNameIsNotSteven · 14/06/2018 08:03

If the school can't keep your DS safe I expect Ofsted would be interested to know. FFS, why are we incapable of dealing with 5 year olds behaving like this?

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