To want the school to keep DS safe

[GenedlGymreig]

DS is in year 1 and a generally very happy and sporty boy. Unfortunately there a 4 boys in his class who physically assault him on a fairly regular basis. On a roughly weekly basis he will tell us that one of them punched him in the face and made him cry. It seems the 4 boys are not working in a team but each have their own behaviour problems.

One of them, boy A, was clearly bullying DS and eventually we managed to persuade the school to talk to his parents which seems to have stopped the physical assaults. Boy A has carried on being verbally mean however.

Boy B is cleverer and is careful to only assault DS when the observant teacher is not working. (The teachers are often part time.) He seems to have a personal grudge against DS. My guess is that it is because DS is very good at sport and he wants to be the best.

Boy C’s mother was overheard recently lamenting that the school won’t help her get a certificate of special needs for her son. Boy C appears to assault lots of children and gets sent to the head regularly.

Boy D attacks DS less frequently and it doesn’t seem to be personal. He also punches DS in the face and makes him cry.

I would just like DS to be able to go to school without fear of being attacked. Every day I pick him up I have to ask if he has been attacked that day,

I can see the problem is hard for the school. I have a meeting today
with one of the class teachers but I can't work out what I can say to them. But AIBU to want them to do something to keep DS safe?

shiklah That's a very good lesson which I should take to heart.

If nothing is done within an agreed time - say 2-4 weeks - I would go to the governors and tell them you will be taking legal action against the school. They have a duty of care to keep your child safe and please use those exact words. I would also tell them that if they cannot keep your child safe, you will be going to the police and making sure that everyone knows that this school does not give a fuck about sorting bullying. Involve the local authorities. Involve the media. Involve social media. Contact the school after every single incident. Make yourself 'that parent' because your child has every right to be safe in school.

Have you asked for a meeting with the class teacher rather than just grabbing a minute in the playground?

Sorry see that you have, can I ask why it's taken you so long to ask for the meeting? I understand if you work etc however you say this has been going on for months?

I'm going to put a cat amongst the pigeons

If they were all in a group this would seem more likely but it seems unusual for someone to be targeted for no reason by many?

Is it a horrendous school?

Are any other children being hit / bullied or is it just your child?

If it's the latter, you can report all you like but it seems you will face the same problem again and again.

By all means report the children because yes, they need to know that this behaviour is wrong but you need to find out why the bad apples are targeted your child. Unfortunately you can't change other people. They will always be there throughout his life ( bad apples) so you will need to try and find out why he's different to the other 20 odd kids in his class that aren't getting punched in the face. Seems harsh but it's the reality.
Must be heartbreaking to hear these stories about your own child but you need to get deeper to the route of the problem because being a "victim" to bullies can last a lifetime.

^
|. this very much this

I'm a teacher.

First thing you need to do is meet with the teacher and give a factual account of all the times DS has been hurt.

If things do not improve following this, then escalate to the next person up the chain - year group leader / phase leader / Assistant Head. It sounds like the class is tricky and the teacher could be lacking support to deal with challenging pupils. It's really difficult as a teacher to use effective consequences if the leadership team do not support you.

Don't mention anything you have heard about the boys, just keep focused on your son.

Thank you for the all the comments. You have definitely inspired me to take a tougher line with the school and to look at other school options.

I don't tell the school every time DS is hit, this is partly because he mostly tells me it was reported to a school teacher already. This is except at lunch time where the lunch time assistants don't seem to forward the messages on reliably. I should definitely keep a better record. The school also don't record the incidents they do learn about which I will complain about today.

One problem is that they always say leave it a month, then another month and then... well it's nearly the end of term so let's see next term and then.. it's nearly the end of year so let's see next year.

I don't know how badly other children in the class suffer. Again this is partly because the school won't give you a clue for privacy reasons. Even if a children hits yours in the face with a big stick on purpose, the only note you ever get is that there was an accident your child was involved in with no other child named. Also, in year 1 all the parents wonder whether an incident was really on purpose or whether it was just an accident. I now suspect the school teachers of taking advantage of this sadly.

Unfortunately you can't change other people. They will always be there throughout his life (bad apples) so you will need to try and find out why he's different to the other 20 odd kids in his class that aren't getting punched in the face. Seems harsh but it's the reality. Must be heartbreaking to hear these stories about your own child but you need to get deeper to the route of the problem because being a "victim" to bullies can last a lifetime.

And this ladies and gentlemen is why we have women’s refuges bursting at the seams. Prisons overflowing with violent offenders. It’s far easier to blame the victim rather than address the actual problem.

‘If only I was a better partner. I deserve being hit because I don’t cook right / clean right / work hard enough. I wind them up. It’s all my fault.’

‘I wore that stupid outfit it’s my fault I got raped me.’

‘I know why I get kicked in the face everyday at school. It’s because I’m ugly. Even my mum says so, she tells me it’s my fault for being a victim’

‘If I could just keep the kids quiet then he won’t beat me. He hates noise but it’s not his fault, he can’t change. It’s so hard but I must, I don’t think I can take another broken rib’.

2018 and its still fucking insidious.

"My guess is that it is because DS is very good at sport and he wants to be the best"

"I've wondered if it's because they both love sports and are arguing about who is the best or if one is better than the other"

Do you see the difference in those two OP? One is quite humble and one is self inflating and is putting one down to lift the other up.

If you can't see the difference between the two then your Son won't be able to either. As adults we brush these things off as we're jaded to it because we hear these things day in day out over decades and we all do it a little. However children are much more reactive.

A child can excel at anything and not get bullied if they are humble but if you goad and grind for a reaction to how good you are, you will get one, but not in the way you

Don't be fobbed off with 'leave it a month', that's unacceptable. If you get that response then ask to see someone more senior asap.

These things really do need to be tackled early on for everyone involved. For your son but also for the other boys, who deserve to have the chance to helped to change their behaviour. It's really easy to get trapped in a cycle of behaviour.

Go to the head. Keep it factual. Ask to see the anti-bullying policy and the safeguarding policy.

Ask them exactly what they are going to do to keep your child safe.

If that gets you nowhere, escalate to CoG.

Meanwhile look for another school. Once your child is identified as a target it never gets better.

Fenwickdream I suspect my reply to your comment may be controversial but here goes... a child who stays inside colouring is going to interact with many fewer children in different ways than a sporty child who is always out playing football with anyone they can find, or whatever sport. I think one of the reasons DS is targetted is just because he plays with so many children and really loves to play the physical games (football, running races etc.). Boy A took the deliberate strategy of trying to stop DS playing football by hurting him. This has worked sadly now and DS tells me he doesn't like football any more. Boys A and B also hate it when DS beats them in a running race so assault him then too.

As I mentioned, boy C just seems to attack everyone. So it's a mixed bag.

Firstly I would report to the school in writing to teacher and head that children A - D have been repeatedly assaulting my son. I would request a meeting with teacher and head to discuss and ask them how they intend to tackle this to keep my child safe and I would demand a meeting with teacher and head each and every time my son was assaulted after that. If there were more than 1 or 2 further instances I'd be getting in touch with the Governers also. However I'd be looking around for a new school alongside in case this approach got me no joy.

Time to put on your big girl pants and to go in to bat for your son.

Oh pack it in.

Life isn't one big coincidence. I'm not going to post again because this will now somehow turn into a load of feminist grot. It's there for the OP to consider. Let's face it there's two answers. It's everyone else's fault or it's yours. Once she's exhausted with trying to sort out all the other kids in the World maybe she'll want to try the other way.

Cath2907 I hear you.

Boys A and B also hate it when DS beats them in a running race so assault him then too.

What race? Why would they be racing? This is when I get accused of victim blaming (again) but why is your son spending his time racing these boys? Is it a case of they are all competitive and he is winning, gloating and then being hit as he is aggravating the situation. Or they’re both arguing as 5 year olds do in that sophisticated “I’m better than you” kind of way and it is going sour. Or does he punch the air and celebrate in that “in your face” way footballers do?
None of those things deserve to be punched or hurt- of course. But they could be seen as contributing to a situation where you are more likely to be hurt and get involved in confrontations. And if it is your son and four others who are not a team- then you do need to question your sons part in it all. While still expecting the school to keep him safe as well.

Some unnecessary victim blaming on this thread.

Ffs with the victim blaming. They’re 5 year olds. They’re all pretty innocent. If they’ve not learnt how to be kind and have empathy and not be violent then they’ve been let down by the adults around them and are as much “victims” as the OPs son.

Bollocks to that. They aren't the ones being hit.

Your language around these incidents is odd, unhelpful and likely to give your ds a permanent 'victim mentality' imo. Not to mention probably causing the teachers/head to roll their eyes about you.

If my child was assaulted or attacked at school I'd be going to the police.

If your child was hit in the face, bitten, poked with a stick, kicked in the thigh, slapped on the arm by another five year old - SAY SO. Stop describing it as your child being assaulted and attacked.

Apart from anything, you risk being the mum that cried wolf at school - because if your child is actually set upon and attacked, the teachers will roll their eyes at you and think 'oh yet another assault'.

At the moment it is your problem, and your sons problem. You have to make it the schools problem if you want it to stop.

And I completely disagree with the 'reason' your ds is having problems being that he's sporty and outside. What nonsense.

They sound totally ineffectual. Not helping one mother with a child with potential Sen and your child being repeatedly assaulted.

@stepbacknow how do you know they’re not being hit? Most children who are neglected at home and not given boundaries and love are often hit as well. Hence them hitting others. So it’s very possible they are being hit. You don’t know.
What we do know is they are 5. Born 5 years ago- out of nappies just 2 years probably. Toddlers just 3 years ago. And yet you somehow agree there now capable of being bullies and assaulting others? Ridiculous.