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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Horrible dilemma- please help.

428 replies

beclev24 · 13/06/2018 18:46

I have had many years of fertility treatment and through a combination of IVF and frozen embryos now have three wonderful DS's including a 6 month old baby. I am incredibly grateful and lucky to have them but Life with a baby and two rambunctious older boys is VERY VERY full on and exhausting. i often feel totally overwhelmed.

it's awful to say, but I have always craved a girl. This obviously doesn't mean that I love my boys any less- just that I have always wished I could raise a daughter and felt very disappointed and sad that I haven't had that chance. I've really tried to work out why I feel this way. I am not a gender essentialist. I don't believe htat there are hard wired differences between boys and girls and I have brought my sons up to believe that boys and girls can and should pursue any interests they enjoy. But still....I think bringing up a girl is a different experience from boys- mainly navigating a different set of social expectations and ones which I feel personally way more comfortable with. I adore my boys but a lot of their interests bore me senseless. I know this may also be true with a girl but I think that it would be easier to share old toys/ games/ interests with a girl growing up without constantly feeling as though you are making a point or fighting the tide of the whole of society etc etc. I would dearly love to share my experience of being a girl with my own daughter. But I just assumed that we woudl have no more children and so was coping wtih the fact that this would never happen.

Anyway after a lifetime of infertility, at age 45 while breastfeeding and using contraception I am unexpectedly 10 wks pregnant, wiht a girl (found out thro harmony test) a! I have no idea what to do. on the one hand, having another child may push us over the edge (DH feels this even more strongly than me)- we are exhausted, are boys are full on and very demanding, my career would never recover, my last pregnancy was risky, this one likely will be too, Im old etc etc. everything points away from having another child but yet this would be my longed for daughter, WWYD?? Ay advice/ perspectives welcome

OP posts:
lindalee3 · 13/06/2018 23:14

I am shocked at the amount of posters who had babies in their mid 40's. Shock

I literally know no-one who had a baby over the age of 36-37. Most people have their last at 32-34 ish.

@beclev24

Anyway. It's up to you OP, but as some posters have said, there is no guarantee that this daughter is going to be everything you want her to be anyway.

And what if the test is wrong? (This does happen!) And you have another boy? Wink

AynRandTheObjectivist · 13/06/2018 23:15

I know a few who had one at 40. Nobody who had one at 45.

TheOriginalEmu · 13/06/2018 23:15

A son's a son till he gets him a wife,
A daughter's a daughter for all her life

what a load of absolute toss this phrase is. seriously.

TheOriginalEmu · 13/06/2018 23:16

linda members of my family had babies in their mid-40s. my auntie was 47.

Thesearepearls · 13/06/2018 23:18

Three of my closest friends had children in their forties.

Mind you, they're knackered all the time now :) But it's not an issue - we're living longer and it takes years to establish careers and more years to have kids so ... within a few years it will be the new normal

Branleuse · 13/06/2018 23:23

life will calm down with your boys. It's not going to be this manic forever. You won't ever have another chance to have a daughter

lindalee3 · 13/06/2018 23:24

A baby at 47? OMG! No way!!!!!!!

BakedBeans47 · 13/06/2018 23:27

My gran had twins at 43!

Cherie Blair was 47 when she had Leo

TemptressofWaikiki · 13/06/2018 23:28

I am shocked at the amount of posters who had babies in their mid 40's
I am by far the youngest in my friendship group and youngest one to be a mother. Actually, the majority were over 38 and several are over 40 plus, especially in their mid-forties. A few of my relatives have had kids in their late forties and two women even had babies in their fifties, as most of the women in my family tend to hit the meno pause very late in life. There are potentially higher physical risks but at the same time, a lot of them are in better physical shape now, financially a lot more secure, feeling very at peace with themselves and are at a stage in their lives where they really like themselves and are very laidback and far less rattled. As we are statistically living longer and are generally healthier later in life compared to people in the past, older mothers really aren’t as much of an issue and there is less of a need to pop them out young.

BakedBeans47 · 13/06/2018 23:29

*A son's a son till he gets him a wife,
A daughter's a daughter for all her life

what a load of absolute toss this phrase is. seriously.*

Absolutely. What a lot of bullshit. No wonder gender stereotyping is still an issue in society when people spout this crap as if it were fact.

Fruitcorner123 · 13/06/2018 23:29

i agree with Bluntness100 for the second time this evening. Posters saying you need counselling for wanting a girl ABU. it's perfectly normal.to want both genders and you have three boys so you want a girl. You dont need counselling for that it's normal and human and very common to feel that way!!

TemptressofWaikiki · 13/06/2018 23:30

PS: My aunt had my youngest cousin at 54. She is fitter than me and looks decades younger. All Yoga toned foof and cycles everywhere. I'm exhausted spending just a day with her and struggle to keep up.

2up2manydown · 13/06/2018 23:30

Wow. Baby’s lucky she’s a girl.

lindalee3 · 13/06/2018 23:30

As I said - I don't know anyone who has had babies in their 40's....,

And that hell would freeze over before I would have one at 47.

I am entitled to that view.

And I am still waiting for the OP to answer the question 'what would you do if the test is wrong and the baby is another boy?'

2up2manydown · 13/06/2018 23:31

This thread is so distasteful.

Italiangreyhound · 13/06/2018 23:31

Please do not terminate a wanted child. You will cope, maybe your career will not recover as it is but it may change. Your rambunctious boys may need to pull their weight.

Whatever you do, please do not allow your husband to push you into something you do not want to do, you would most likely resent him for it forever, IMHO.

MargaretCavendish · 13/06/2018 23:32

You dont need counselling for that it's normal and human and very common to feel that way!!

Do you think it's normal to say you'd abort a boy but not a girl? I don't think this is a 'normal' level of hoping for the other sex.

lindalee3 · 13/06/2018 23:32

I agree @2upmanydown

There is something quite disturbing and nasty about this whole thread.

If the baby was a boy, he would be terminated.

Nasty.

And sinister.

Cannot believe more people haven't picked up on this and are all 'ooooh you have your longed for baby girl la la la!!!' Hmm

Italiangreyhound · 13/06/2018 23:35

If your baby can naturally produce a baby at 47 you are pretty amazing so please ignore any people expressing distasteful views about what they think is the norm/desirable/acceptable!

Fruitcorner123 · 13/06/2018 23:36

MargaretCavendish no but I am not necessarily convinced that she would do that. It's easy to say what you would do when a situation is hypothetical. I think we should focus on what is actually happening rather than what may or may not have been.

Elspeth12345 · 13/06/2018 23:38

I would most definitely keep the baby!!!

You long for a daughter, you might carry this baby girl to term and have your longed for daughter! Four children probably isn't that huge a difference from three and even if it is then you will probably feel that it is worth it.

Abortion can be a good choice in some situations but in yours it definitely definitely sounds as though you will regret it. At 45 you don't know if you'll get another chance and it's amazingly happened without fertility treatment.

MargaretCavendish · 13/06/2018 23:38

*Cannot believe more people haven't picked up on this and are all 'ooooh you have your longed for baby girl la la la!!!'

I also feel a bit uncomfortable with the repeated suggestion that because this baby was unplanned it was 'meant to be', 'fate' or 'a miracle' in a way that her sons conceived through IVF weren't.

SleightOfMind · 13/06/2018 23:39

I’ve had two terminations that were definitely the right thing for me but I think you’d struggle to accept terminating this pregnancy.

There’s a lot of sense in what PPs have said about your expectations of a daughter though.
My DD is the least girly of mine. Frankly, DS1 is the one who has the most mother/daughtery relationship with me Grin

welshmist · 13/06/2018 23:39

It really is ok having a late harvest as my friend put it, I was much more relaxed, financially secure, it has kept me fit, no empty nest syndrome yet, four grandchildren, while we are stressing about GCSE`s and A levels. There is never a dull moment. The days before reliable contraception no-one blinked when a woman had a baby in her forties. Sons friends are mid thirties and still looking for a life partner so that they can start a family.

CheesendPickles · 13/06/2018 23:40

I think this is a no brainier. I mean I'm all for choice but this seems like you want this baby. Your kids will grow up. Realistically, they won't be a handful forever. But you may regret not having a daughter for the rest of your life.