Horrible dilemma- please help.

[beclev24]

I have had many years of fertility treatment and through a combination of IVF and frozen embryos now have three wonderful DS's including a 6 month old baby. I am incredibly grateful and lucky to have them but Life with a baby and two rambunctious older boys is VERY VERY full on and exhausting. i often feel totally overwhelmed.

it's awful to say, but I have always craved a girl. This obviously doesn't mean that I love my boys any less- just that I have always wished I could raise a daughter and felt very disappointed and sad that I haven't had that chance. I've really tried to work out why I feel this way. I am not a gender essentialist. I don't believe htat there are hard wired differences between boys and girls and I have brought my sons up to believe that boys and girls can and should pursue any interests they enjoy. But still....I think bringing up a girl is a different experience from boys- mainly navigating a different set of social expectations and ones which I feel personally way more comfortable with. I adore my boys but a lot of their interests bore me senseless. I know this may also be true with a girl but I think that it would be easier to share old toys/ games/ interests with a girl growing up without constantly feeling as though you are making a point or fighting the tide of the whole of society etc etc. I would dearly love to share my experience of being a girl with my own daughter. But I just assumed that we woudl have no more children and so was coping wtih the fact that this would never happen.

Anyway after a lifetime of infertility, at age 45 while breastfeeding and using contraception I am unexpectedly 10 wks pregnant, wiht a girl (found out thro harmony test) a! I have no idea what to do. on the one hand, having another child may push us over the edge (DH feels this even more strongly than me)- we are exhausted, are boys are full on and very demanding, my career would never recover, my last pregnancy was risky, this one likely will be too, Im old etc etc. everything points away from having another child but yet this would be my longed for daughter, WWYD?? Ay advice/ perspectives welcome

Its weird to think that not so long ago in a time before IVF, harmony tests etc, the OP would simply have had a single miracle daughter. In a way its kind of sad that things dont happen like that anymore.

Maybe I've misread you, but are you actually saying that it would be better if she had her daughter, but her sons didn't exist?

xpost some really arsey and unpleasant comments since I first started typing!

I wanted four children ( or more) DH didn't and so I had the third DS and no more.Went to college to retrain and hey presto six weeks in I discovered I was pregnant. DH wasn't happy. After a discussion with my GP were she said she would have to refer me to another GP I burst into tears and knew there was no way I could give up that growing baby. I just needed someone to give me time to discuss which was a shock. I didn't have a trouble free pregnancy and labour but she was and is such a joy. We managed,my husband has a better relationship than me as she adores her dad( which pisses me off a little but I have never mentioned it) and life has been great since her arrival. It was busy but she just slotted in. She lives 300miles away and I miss her but we enjoy time together a few times a year. If you have always wanted a girl wouldn't you regret. Not going through with it. My mum. was 44 when my fourth sister was born. It kept my mum young.

As for terminating another boy but perhaps not a girl. yes- I'm not proud of that. But I do firmly believe in a woman's right to choose whether to continue with a pregnancy, for any reason or none.
Yeah ok, we're calling bullshit decisions as women's right. If you're so inflexible with regards to gender, who knows how you ll be if anything else comes along.
You do know Harmony has all sorts of inconsistencies don't you? I wouldn't rely on Harmony for the gender . It's not baby's blood remember
As for abnormalities I'd really push for something more tangible rather than Harmony cause of your age
Good luck

I don't think you would regret having another baby.

If your marriage did break down, who's to say that wouldn't happened anyway?

I don't think you'd say, "oh I really wish I'd terminated the pregnancy and then we'd still be happily married"

Oh op, reading the last part of your post made me so happy for you!

Have your girl, I don’t think this is a dilemma for you at all. If you terminate I honestly don’t think you would get over it and would always regret it.

What a lovely turn of fate. Go for it! Sounds like you want it and yes, you are older than the average Mum but it's not like its your first and your daughter will have older siblings to look out for her in later life.

You have had fertility treatment to get your three much loved little boys.
Despite breastfeeding, being on contraception and having fertility problems, you have been given a beautiful and precious gift- the little girl you have dreamed of and longed for! You didn’t try, you didn’t undergo any invasive fertility treatments, yet despite all the odds you have the little girl you have always dreamed of growing inside you!

In all honesty, I could not abort a much longed for baby. In fact I would put that before my dh, if he tried to force me, I would go it alone as a single Mum. My DH didn’t want anymore dc, so he had a vasectomy weeks after our dd was born. If your DH really didn’t want another child he should have done the same. My dh and I still make love knowing that despite his being sterilised, there is a minute chance it may result in a baby (it does happen). So if we fell pregnant despite that, to me that would be a sign that the baby was meant to be a part of our family. I think the same about your situation.

In your position I would 100% keep your baby. She is longed for. I re job you would regret it for the rest of your life if you terminated.

reckon not re job 🙄

your youngest boy won't know any different and it might be quite fun having the two little ones together.

One of the unforseen consequences of having babies through IVF (and all 3 of my children are IVF) is that you are get so used to having to make choices and play God on one hand, and then conversely be grateful for however the roulette wheel spins. It is quite traumatic to imagine a life where you just get pregnant unexpectedly - you have trained yourself not to expect that sort of miracle.

So I suppose what doesn't seem right now, might seem very very right in time. You've been through a big upheaval having fertility treatment AND a big upheaval having 3 babies (everyone with 3 knows that) If you can give yourself a bit of compassion and acknowledge just how traumatic it has been you might find it easier to cope with the new baby/pregnancy.

I think it will be great. I longed for a 4th about 5 years after the last baby, and tried IVF a fourth time but it didnt work, I really wish it had, although at the time, even five years later, with all the hard work of three little ones I felt like perhaps failing had been a blessing in disguise. NOW I just wish I had had no 4. We would have managed. I might have needed to pay for an extra pair of hands but somehow we would have managed, or cut back on something else we spent money on. At the time I didn't see it that way, now with hindsight I do.
But I was unlucky in that I didnt get the make the choice of having a 4th, there was no pregnancy.

The way your OP is written makes me think you don't want to have a termination (the order in which you've explained things, the details you've included etc) . If you don't want to have a termination, don't. You can deal with everything else as it happens.

The only concern for me would be the heightened risk this baby might pose, given you suffered from pre-eclampsia during your last pregnancy. However, like many have said the reason against carrying on with this pregnancy, such as a strain on your marriage, may very well be as strong a reason for it if you forego your heartfelt wish of a girl. There is a real danger of you feeling bitter and it possibly affecting your relationship with your family. I felt lucky that we have one of each. Funny enough, our first-born DS is quite sensitive, likes dolls, tends to gravitate towards playing with girls and is far removed from what might be considered typical ‘boyish’ behaviour. However, DD who was born just 14 months later is a total tomboy, refuses to wear pretty dresses, loathes dolls and generally falls out of trees. Head first. Luckily, I did not have set expectations because I’d be very disappointed. Plus, I can use DS clothes since they are so close in age. Funny enough, while DS was so neat and his clothes never ripped or got very dirty, DD is generally caked in mud and clothes seem to get torn very easily. She tried to explain me that it was due to inferior quality and the textile fibres now being older

I would say that despite all the odds, you're pregnant with a baby- regardless of the sex and it's kind of meant to be. You also sound like you couldn't go through with a termination.

I think it's entirely your decision too.

I'm finding the pro-life " don't kill your daughter" etc a bit tbh

There's no definitive answer to this because you feel conflicted. You know yourself the longing is more for a daughter than another child. I completely understand your dilemma because it is ok to say you would like a daughter, I don't think you need to feel guilty about that.

I think your real dilemma is having the weight of the decision firmly on you. So any emotional/financial/relation issues can be pin pointed on you deciding to have a 4th child. I think you need to talk to your husband, you both need to be really honest and he has to be in complete agreement that you either carry on the pregnancy or terminate it. He has to carry some of the emotional weight of this because otherwise, whether you have the baby or not, it has to be a completely joint choice not just left on your because it may echo down the years.

In your shoes, I would carry on the pregnancy because I think - in your heart - that's what you'd like, it's just that you're worried about how it will affect your current status quo (albeit being a bit Ricky).

You've got what you wanted all along. That's amazing and doesn't often happen. Thrilled for you and I'd encourage you to grab it and go for it! Congratulations!

Isn't the hardest part of life normally working out what you want and it's normally fairly easy to get it?

'I'm massively uncomfortable with the fact you're only facing this dilemma as you're expecting a girl, presumably you'd just terminate a boy-sorry but that just doesn't sit right.'

Agree

I do love your name MarthasGinYard. It's clever. Have you been to Martha's Vineyard? Or is there a bit of Robert Lowell going on there?

Awww I smiled when I read you were pregnant. Congratulations! I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. If this happened to me I'd consider her a great gift that was meant to be. Infertility, contraception and breastfeeding and this little one got through those nets. She's meant

Thesearepearls

Why thank you very much

Yes on a road trip in 1998

I would keep the baby.

I know you are in a difficult position and sorry to be judgemental but it sickened me to read that if the test had confirmed another boy you'd have aborted. Based on not really sharing "boys" interests etc? Plenty of mother/son relationships are close and deeper than "cars and dinosaurs".

I just love the way mums with girls like to tell those of us with all boys we secretly wanted girls. Not here. Sorry to disappoint. I’m absolutely not bothered at all that I don’t have a girl.

OP I think in your heart you know what you want. Personally I wouldn’t abort a child just on basis of sex but like you I support abortion on demand so that includes the right to make decisions I might find personally difficult. You’ve obviously not got anything against boys as you have 3 you adore:)

I have a girl after three boys. She is more than I could ever have wished for and adored by all, especially her (equally amazing) brothers. I honestly cannot imagine life without her in it. I always knew I was meant to have a DD and she was so worth the ‘wait’ and I get to have 3 awesome boys too.

How old are your other boys? When they go to school, life will become easier anyway? (unless they are already in school?)