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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Horrible dilemma- please help.

428 replies

beclev24 · 13/06/2018 18:46

I have had many years of fertility treatment and through a combination of IVF and frozen embryos now have three wonderful DS's including a 6 month old baby. I am incredibly grateful and lucky to have them but Life with a baby and two rambunctious older boys is VERY VERY full on and exhausting. i often feel totally overwhelmed.

it's awful to say, but I have always craved a girl. This obviously doesn't mean that I love my boys any less- just that I have always wished I could raise a daughter and felt very disappointed and sad that I haven't had that chance. I've really tried to work out why I feel this way. I am not a gender essentialist. I don't believe htat there are hard wired differences between boys and girls and I have brought my sons up to believe that boys and girls can and should pursue any interests they enjoy. But still....I think bringing up a girl is a different experience from boys- mainly navigating a different set of social expectations and ones which I feel personally way more comfortable with. I adore my boys but a lot of their interests bore me senseless. I know this may also be true with a girl but I think that it would be easier to share old toys/ games/ interests with a girl growing up without constantly feeling as though you are making a point or fighting the tide of the whole of society etc etc. I would dearly love to share my experience of being a girl with my own daughter. But I just assumed that we woudl have no more children and so was coping wtih the fact that this would never happen.

Anyway after a lifetime of infertility, at age 45 while breastfeeding and using contraception I am unexpectedly 10 wks pregnant, wiht a girl (found out thro harmony test) a! I have no idea what to do. on the one hand, having another child may push us over the edge (DH feels this even more strongly than me)- we are exhausted, are boys are full on and very demanding, my career would never recover, my last pregnancy was risky, this one likely will be too, Im old etc etc. everything points away from having another child but yet this would be my longed for daughter, WWYD?? Ay advice/ perspectives welcome

OP posts:
melonscoffer · 13/06/2018 21:57

I think that most women want a girl, even if they won’t admit that.

Why wouldn't they admit it? If they want a girl it's not a secret is it?

You'd perhaps be one of the people who commented on the birth of my third son with "better luck next time" and "oh well you'll have to keep on trying for a girl"
I prefer boys. I wasn't offered the option of finding out the sex before any of their births.
I wouldn't want to know anyway.

melonscoffer · 13/06/2018 21:57

I think that most women want a girl, even if they won’t admit that.

Why wouldn't they admit it? If they want a girl it's not a secret is it?

You'd perhaps be one of the people who commented on the birth of my third son with "better luck next time" and "oh well you'll have to keep on trying for a girl"
I prefer boys. I wasn't offered the option of finding out the sex before any of their births.
I wouldn't want to know anyway.

ginswinger · 13/06/2018 21:58

The universe works in funny ways and if there is a greater plan for you, I suspect it involves having a daughter in your lives. I'm not saying it will be easy but I feel that as long as we don't hold ourselves to an impossible standard as a parent, it's doable. Plus all that parenting experience means you'll be amazing. I really do wish you well xx

janetheimpaler · 13/06/2018 21:59

A baby girl, what a lovely surprise. I don't know if there ever is an easy pregnancy, ivf has its difficulties and this child presents new difficulties. But, if a window has opened and the impossible seems suddenly, easily, possible, find courage and go for it. You will look back at this last bit of glorious youth and regret not seizing it, in the many calm years of the future. Yes, it will be chaotic, it will be scary, but also joyous.
I like your honesty and that of your husband. Of course, it is scary, every significant choice is. I also see that he has the good grace to give you the option. Go for it, when the storm passes, he may thank you for her.
I have daughters and they are the joy of my life. Two are very feminine, but still wilful and the other was the king boy in her class until now when she has decided to become a girl at 13. They will be who they will be but it is lovely, to see the cycle of girlhood repeat and to understand it. It's fasinating to watch - how everything chances but fundementally remains the same.

Chaos becomes a distance memory, but, love endures.

MargaretCavendish · 13/06/2018 22:00

More likely she will love them all more, because she has a girl which has made her fulfilled as a mother. She will be happier, which is a good thing.

Gosh. Again, so much to put on a 10 week old foetus. Now she has to fulfill OP as a mother, and make her happier in life, in some magical way her brothers cannot?

PeppermintPasty · 13/06/2018 22:00

You are already in the Insanity Club having gone from two to three children. I think a fourth one would be a breeze for you!

I can only say what I would do-heart rules head every time. And I'm not going to lie-having a girl and a boy is totally fab. BUT, my boy is waaaay more in touch with his emotions and sensitive than my girl, to buck the boring sexist stereotypes. So, you know don't you that something like that is bound to happen.

Oh, and my pal has four kids, youngest is a girl who, because of her three older brothers, wants to be a BOY. Of course she does!

Congratulations Flowers

Miladamermalada · 13/06/2018 22:01

I also think most women desire a daughter. A lot of the anger at gender disappointment comes from mums of boys, because disappointment is a much more common reaction to finding out you are pregnant with a boy.
I have both btw, but finding out I was having a girl was just overwhelming, and I didn't know it until I knew it. I was totally in love with my boys as well.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 13/06/2018 22:03

What worries me is the replies on here marrying the 'you never regret the child you did have' narrative with the narrative of the longed-for meant-to-be miracle daughter. Giving the OP the green light to go ahead on the basis of that narrative, perhaps discounting any impact on her existing boys and the need for her to work through this by the time the baby comes so those boys, particularly the youngest, don't spend their lives feeling second-class or less-than. OP has the potential (sorry fo talking about you in the third person here, OP) to do a lot of damage to her existing children.

I don't think that has to or even necessarily should mean termination. But it should have to mean self-challenge and self-reflection.

colouringinagain · 13/06/2018 22:05

You say you've always craved a girl, and now you're pregnant with one.

Yes 3dcs let alone 4 is knackering but you could bring in some childcare to help you and your dh in the short term at least.

Could you really live with aborting a longed for daughter?

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 13/06/2018 22:06

Oh, and full disclosure - I have two boys followed by a girl after a big gap and a lot of miscarriages. She is very precious to me - as are my boys.

LapdanceShoeshine · 13/06/2018 22:06

You'd perhaps be one of the people who commented on the birth of my third son with "better luck next time" and "oh well you'll have to keep on trying for a girl"

I had a bit of that with second daughter. Some people just look for negatives...

PeppermintPasty · 13/06/2018 22:06

Oh my god I don't agree with that! Where is your evidence for that?! Disappointment is a much more common reaction to finding out you are pregnant with a boy?! You're kidding me right?

I was overjoyed that I was having a baby, first of all. When I found out it was a boy I was even happier. I would have felt the same if it was a girl.

When I did have my second, a girl, I was rather taken aback as I had convinced myself I was having another boy and was rather looking forward to it.

thegreylady · 13/06/2018 22:08

Congratulations on your pregnancy. It sounds as though your dh is supportive and hopefully you will feel fulfilled if your family is completed by this baby girl.
My own dd has two boys and if she hadn’t been advised to have no more I know she would have had another (and loved it boy or girl).

Bezm · 13/06/2018 22:08

Whilst I would steadfastly support a woman's right to termination, the only reason I would be against it is purely for the gender of the baby.

Nobody can make the decision for you, and asking for opinions about this is unfair.
You're 45, you've had years of fertility treatment, you clearly know how to get, and conversely not get pregnant. Your husband doesn't want another child. You're pleased it's a much wanted girl.
My advice would be, never ever let your boys know that you might have had a termination if their soon to be sister had been a boy. It will not end well.

ilovejammiedogers · 13/06/2018 22:09

I agree I think you would regret having a termination. This is the little girl you dreamed of. My mum had me at 45.

helpmum2003 · 13/06/2018 22:11

My gut feeling is you should continue the pregnancy - I'm not a believer in fate or religious but this must be meant to be what a conception ! Assuming Obstetrician says it's ok for you and the baby. And your marriage.

I too am concerned with the selective abortion concept. I admit I do not believe that 'all women secretly want a girl' - we must love our children for who they are not their sex. In my mind very often it's a misconception that girls are easier - less physical yes but much more hassle on the mind games front. Boys are lovely!

Good luck.

widgetbeana · 13/06/2018 22:11

My friend had this almost exact scenario.
She and her DH had counselling. A counsellor posed the question
"What if your last pregnancy had been twins? Or triplets"
It is equally a situation that 'wasn't asked for or expected', but how would you have reacted to that?

I know it's not 'the same' as it's another pregnancy, another birth and everything else, but my friends found it a really interesting and mind opening spin to think about.

MargaretCavendish · 13/06/2018 22:11

A lot of the anger at gender disappointment comes from mums of boys, because disappointment is a much more common reaction to finding out you are pregnant with a boy.

I will admit to finding gender disappointment a hard thing to empathise with (though I do try, and I've read some stories on here that make me see it's more complicated than I first thought). But that's not because I'm having a little boy (though I am) but because I had three miscarriages first. I can honestly say that I, while I wanted to know at my 20 week scan to make the pregnancy feel more 'real', I couldn't have cared less whether it was a boy or girl; hearing that the baby was healthy felt like winning the lottery. I think a lot of the angriest posts at those expressing gender disappointment on Mumsnet come not from parents of either girls or boys, but from those that either have had or are having fertility problems.

Desmondo2016 · 13/06/2018 22:13

If you've got a 6 month old you're still in the baby zone and you've already had a kid as an older mother. Based on this I'd say go for it (and congratulations!). If your other were much older then it may be a different decision to make.

ALemonyPea · 13/06/2018 22:14

More likely she will love them all more, because she has a girl which has made her fulfilled as a mother. She will be happier, which is a good thing.

Shit like this gives me the rage. My life with three DS is no less fulfilled than those with a daughter.

I’ve an ex friend, who used to be a mner, who practically ignores her three boys now she got her daughter. Sends them to school holiday camps so she can spend the day with her daughter, dresses her in expensive clothes while her boys wear supermarket clothes., kicked the eldest out so her daughter could have her own room, I could go on. Why put a girl through that?

Op, if you do decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, please treat your DD no different to your boys. Do not call her your best friend. It would belittle your relationship with your boys.

AllMimsey · 13/06/2018 22:14

Have your girl. Ultimately, you won't regret it and I think from your posts that you would regret a termination and a lifetime is a long time to live with the "What if I'd had...." or see other girls who would be the same age as yours.

No judgement here. Your feelings are your feelings. You want a girl and not a boy. That's nothing to be ashamed of. And now you have the choice :)

Congratulations OP.

Allnames · 13/06/2018 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlpacaLypse · 13/06/2018 22:19

All babies are wonderful amazing brilliant and totally exhausting, whether they have (tiny) balls and mini penises or (remarkably large) mini vulvas. They're not really much different until about 5 ish, and even then not very very much different until about 9/10 ish.

You've bought the kit for your sons and had some practice. My instinct would be do it! But I am me, not you, and the important thing is that it's your choice and no one here will judge you for whichever choice you make.

Tangled59 · 13/06/2018 22:19

Its weird to think that not so long ago in a time before IVF, harmony tests etc, the OP would simply have had a single miracle daughter. In a way its kind of sad that things dont happen like that anymore.

Technology has created the dilemma.

Ask yourself: if harmony testing wasnt available what would you have done?

MargaretCavendish · 13/06/2018 22:20

Have the baby and if you still feel that you won't cope arrange to have it adopted by a couple you feel comfortable with. I thought so many people were longing for children where they can't conceive.

?! I was going to reply to the first half of your post (which is only true if you don't have a good relationship with your son - my brother is closer to my mum than I am), but then got to this and realised that you're completely out of touch with reality.