Horrible dilemma- please help.

[beclev24]

I have had many years of fertility treatment and through a combination of IVF and frozen embryos now have three wonderful DS's including a 6 month old baby. I am incredibly grateful and lucky to have them but Life with a baby and two rambunctious older boys is VERY VERY full on and exhausting. i often feel totally overwhelmed.

it's awful to say, but I have always craved a girl. This obviously doesn't mean that I love my boys any less- just that I have always wished I could raise a daughter and felt very disappointed and sad that I haven't had that chance. I've really tried to work out why I feel this way. I am not a gender essentialist. I don't believe htat there are hard wired differences between boys and girls and I have brought my sons up to believe that boys and girls can and should pursue any interests they enjoy. But still....I think bringing up a girl is a different experience from boys- mainly navigating a different set of social expectations and ones which I feel personally way more comfortable with. I adore my boys but a lot of their interests bore me senseless. I know this may also be true with a girl but I think that it would be easier to share old toys/ games/ interests with a girl growing up without constantly feeling as though you are making a point or fighting the tide of the whole of society etc etc. I would dearly love to share my experience of being a girl with my own daughter. But I just assumed that we woudl have no more children and so was coping wtih the fact that this would never happen.

Anyway after a lifetime of infertility, at age 45 while breastfeeding and using contraception I am unexpectedly 10 wks pregnant, wiht a girl (found out thro harmony test) a! I have no idea what to do. on the one hand, having another child may push us over the edge (DH feels this even more strongly than me)- we are exhausted, are boys are full on and very demanding, my career would never recover, my last pregnancy was risky, this one likely will be too, Im old etc etc. everything points away from having another child but yet this would be my longed for daughter, WWYD?? Ay advice/ perspectives welcome

I agree on that point fruitcorner. Ultimately though as I am pro choice I have to accept it includes the right to choose termination in circumstances I would find morally reprehensible. Accordingly I would have to support the OP’s right to abort a male foetus.

A harmony test is available from 10 weeks. The results take at LEAST. A week, usually two because the DNA replication takes time, I do not believe they test gender

They definitely can test sex - I sometimes lurk on a US pregnancy forum where these tests are much more common and lots of women find out the sex in this way. As for timescale, this says 3 to 5 days:
www.babyvision.co.uk/early-pregnancy/the-harmony-prenatal-test/

For what it's worth, I think sex-selective abortion should be legal because I think women should have the right to chose abortion for any reason or none. That doesn't mean I don't find it ethically difficult, though, and nor does it mean I can't judge those choosing this option.

OP, do your mother/daughter fantasies match up with the reality of you being 60 with a 14 year old hormonal teenage girl? How much would you really have in common?
My first instinct was to reply I’m sure I would regret the abortion and always wonder “if”; plus it’s not like you’ve packed away all the baby stuff and it would set you back years.
BUT the fact that you are asking the question at all tells me maybe you could get past it ok.
And you know what they say about grandchildren. You can hope for a precious granddaughter to share just the best bits with, with more time and patience than you had for your children xxx

2up2manydown

I see. I made an assumption that you were pro choice but not happy in this case because of the gender being the reason for abortion. Wrong assumption but I think there are others who think like that posting here

Seek mental help, OP. Keep the baby.

Jeez, thinking that a baby/toddler/child with a vagina will negate all the Worlds ills...

My mum aborted a boy ( she didn't know sex in advance ). The next pregnancy were twins - a boy and a longed for girl (me). DM is much closer to my DB than me. My mum and I - we just don't get on, I don't like her much.

Moral of the story... we know nothing.

thank you everyone for all your comments. There's so much to think about and unpack here.

For those of you who suggested counsellng to deal with gender issues/ parenting issues and the whole prospect of another child or a termination in these circumstances I think this is very wise and a good idea.

On the other points. Firstly my DS's are not, were not, and will never be second best. Because of the IVF we knew the sex of the last two anyway before we went ahead. I adore them all and a daughter will not change that one bit.

In terms of unrealistic expectations of a daughter and what she will bring to my life- that's a fair point. I don't think I have specific expectations about what she will be like, but maybe that's not quite true. I do need to think this through more and try and avoid placing unfair expectations on her, or expecting her to meet my emotional needs. I don't think this will happen, but it would be good to be prepared.

For the people who are unsettled by the idea of termination for gender reasons- me too. I'm not proud of feeling this way. I would NEVER have considered it for the first three - but a fourth child will stretch us to the very very limit- the only reason I am considering it at all is because I have always longed for a daughter, and here, magically is a daughter. THis has nothign whatsoever to do with preferring dolls to trucks or whatever and I apologise if htat is how my OP came across.

I'm trying to be as honest as possible to work out my own feelings and get to the bottom of this. It's not necessarily pretty, but I think it's important that I don't lie to myself either.

Of course you love them as much

Your posts pick up on the more critical points, are all the replies saying have your baby making you rethink too?

How very rare to have this chance, infertility, age, contraception, bf’ding. I don’t believe in the term ‘meant to be’ but how incredibly lucky against the odds

Also don’t underestimate the impact on your marriage and mh and other children if you do terminate. You’re questioning if your marriage is strong enough if you do have the baby, what if resentment creeps in? This can be harder to deal with

'I would NEVER have considered it for the first three - but a fourth child will stretch us to the very very limit- the only reason I am considering it at all is because I have always longed for a daughter, and here, magically is a daughter.'

That's the absolute crux of this, IMO. You are prepared to put your family, including your sons, under great strain (this is your own perception), not because this baby is a person coming into your family, but because she is a girl coming into your family. Your acceptance of this new person is entirely conditional upon her sex. (Let me be clear that me using these terms has nothing to do with any anti-abortion rhetoric. I am pro-choice). This has the potential to do all kinds of damage to her and to your sons. You're human, you say it will be a strain, the strain will show. How can you prevent the transference of complex and yes, as you say, not pretty feelings in a way your children will pick up on?

I agree that a lot of women (certainly if the evidence on here is anything to go by) want daughters. And I believe that a lot of the time it's for what I might call narcissistic reasons. I don't mean that judgementally - all of us have some narcissism in us, it's human. But I do think that as humans who can self-reflect, we owe it to our children of whatever sex to try and progress beyond the desire for a mini-me or our assumptions that we will be able to keep a child of the same sex closer/not be able to identify with one of the opposite sex. The fact that you have 'always longed for a daughter' shows how deeply these things have a hold on us. But it would be wrong, and has in the past perpetuated much misery, for you to just accept that this is the way it is and let people on here sweep you up in the narrative of 'at least, a miracle daughter'. Above all, this is a baby. A child.

I meant 'at last'.

I was the long awaited girl after 3 boys. I'm certainly not the favourite child; I admit I was a bit spoiled clothes-wise growing up because my mum wanted to buy pretty dresses after 10 years of not doing so. I wanted to fit in with my brothers though so chose tracksuits and football shirts as soon as I could.

Wanting a certain sex doesn't mean you hate your other children.

I think you have been very honest op.

You will make a decision, but the counselling and more time to consider your options seems to be the way to go.

If you keep the baby know that we all find a way to cope, your dh will adore her when she arrives as will the boys. With support and help you may well be just fine.

You describe her emotional well being in a way that makes me think you have already bonded with this child. I think you will find a termination very hard to do if you are already thinking along these lines.

Whatever you ultimately decide to do, it is your life and your future. Make an informed decision, and don't let age stop you, there are plenty of older mothers around here!

Keep her!!! You'll always wonder what if and regret it you don't.

As someone else mentioned, 4 is less of a jump and in some ways easier as they get older as no one is ever left out iyswim.

I have three and I know exactly what you mean about how overwhelming it can feel. But it does get easier as they get older.

I have 4 DC and found going from 3- 4 made little difference to be honest other than needing a new car. I have boys and girls and they are different, there's no doubt about it. Boys wonderful and girls wonderful, in different ways! You will adore your DD just as you adore your DS.

lilybetsy

Shove your misinformed biscuit up your arse. We had the Panorama Test done which is almost exactly the same except it’s done at NINE Weeks (results took 4 days) and tests for an additional chromosomal abnormality. It absolutely does test gender. The mother’s blood needs to only contain 3.5% of the baby’s DNA ago do so, and the tests are 99% accurate - the 1% inaccuracy is human error. Don’t spout nonsense about something you have no idea.

reanimatedSGB

I usually agree with your posts but saying the husband’s decision is irrelevant is not correct. It’s correct that it’s OP’s choice, yes, but of course her husband’s opinion should be taken into account, as it’s a huge decision that will alter both of their lives.

OP

I would keep the baby.

I have 4 children, I had 3 girls and then the fourth a boy.
I didn’t keep trying to have a boy but if I’m honest now it is wonderful to have both. I am so glad we had 4, the even numbers work for us, the older 2 and then younger 2 are very much good friends as a pair and then all together. As others have said I really don’t remember any more hardship going from 3 to 4 and we have no family or outside help but I don’t work, not sure if you do?
You have a 6 month old so are obviously very much in the baby stage already so it won’t be a huge step backwards.
I have to say I’d have to have her as the regret may be much bigger to deal with. Good luck with your decision.

Op, I’ve done it. I had 4 boys. Resigned myself to having 4 boys. Then accidentally got pregnant with a girl. Went through with it . It’s hard work but she’s the little princess/bossy boots. I was 38.
I have her in nursery one day a week for my sanity and to let her socialise with girls.
For the first 6-8 months I never got to hold her apart from nappies and feeding because her brothers kept stealing her! I would find her hanging out with them and in blanket camps!

I'm sorry but I find it really sad that you would definitely terminate the pregnancy if it was a boy - that this babies life is dependent on it gender is a pretty awful.

You shouldn't have a child to fulfil some sort of fantasy relationship you have in your head - it will be a human being, not a toy.

I admire your candour in your posts OP. It’s a very difficult dilemma and I wish you all the best. I think that for me would be getting a real sense of the risk to your three boys. If there is a real risk that they might end up with an absent father due to marriage breakdown, or without a mother because of you dying in childbirth then you have to do what is best for them. But I really hope that those risks are small and that your husband is able to understand and support you to have the baby.

Wanting a certain sex doesn't mean you hate your other children.

That's such a straw man; no one has said that OP 'hates' her other children, or indeed implied that she doesn't love them entirely. She doesn't need to hate her other children to be projecting some pretty damaging stuff onto this one, and it's the effect of that on the whole family that people are worried about.

I'd grab this with both hands if it were me I think. Healthy baby at 45, plus in only a year's time she'll be approaching 6 months and current baby will be walking - it'll be onwards and upwards v quickly.

Sorry but I can't get over the fact that you would abort a boy and not a girl. If this had been the other way around you would be flamed on here to the depths of hell! It's just that you are 'stretched to the limit' yet you would risk your marriage and impact on the other kids for your fantasy of having a daughter.

When my fourth child was born my eldest was 5. You'll cope because you just will.