to ask how do private schools produce such "confident" kids / adults and how I can do it at home?

[dragontwo]

Ok, I have my reservations about private schools, but I recognise that often they produce kids / adults with high self confidence and self assurance.

I want to know how they do this, how they drill this confidence into them, and how I can replicate any beneficial aspects of this at home into my own kid (state schooled)?

What do they say / do / teach that encourages them to be so confident and expect success?

I know there are down sides to everything but I'm just thinking about good ideas I can help my kid. NB I'm no tiger mother and do my best to encourage my kid as it is already but just looking for ideas and general thoughts on how it's done!!

Just curious!

the schools placing a bigger emphasis on leadership abilities rather than teamwork skills

Yup. DS attends a royal grammar school, so not independent. But their school motto translates to 'To lead is to serve'. That's an attitude held in many independent schools which expect their students to go on to run the country/their future industries. Teamwork skills are for those who will work for them, not with them. Unless one is playing Rugby

I think it's because private schools see it as part of their product that they are selling that your child will be the best of the best at something and they have to find out what that something is. In a class of 20 probably at least 5 will be sorted by being the very best at particular academic subjects, and the rest will be coached and coaxed into being the best at swimming or running or flugelhorn or pottery. They have the time and resources to find the thing that each child can excel in and take pride in.

In a class of 20 probably at least 5 will be sorted by being the very best at particular academic subjects, and the rest will be coached and coaxed into being the best at swimming or running or flugelhorn or pottery. They have the time and resources to find the thing that each child can excel in and take pride in.

I think it varies from school to school

My school was very very academic. You were encouraged to be great at flugelhorn or whatever, but it was expected to be on top of top grades - academic excellence was expected of all.

The entry requirements were competitive however - you wouldn't get in if you weren't academically very capable. Part 1 exam - if you passed that you could take the part 2 paper. If you passed that you would be invited to interview with the headmistress to assess your potential and if you were likely to thrive in such an academic environment (or if you'd be better suited to somewhere that would nurture other talents). If you struggled in a subject then it was the school's responsibility to address that, with 1:1 sessions at lunch - and by struggling, that meant 'B' grades (this was mid 90s so A star had just come in. I think there were possibly one or two pupils max that got a C grade in anything at GCSE.

It was expected that the teachers should provide additional tutoring where needed as part of the fees - additional tutoring outside of school was unusual. If you wanted to do a subject that wasn't on the curriculum, I remember a teacher being brought in even just for one or two pupils.

I would advise all considering private school to ask for teachers qualification to be on display ( they usually are).

Lots of my teachers had PhDs in their subject!!

All teachers' qualifications were published as part of the school brochures (subject and university).

Most independent schools post subject and university of undergraduate or MA/PHD very rarely do they publish ‘pgce’ or ‘QTS’

I went to a private school. Came out very confident. The reason why I am so confident is because I have no reason not to be, I am prepared for every situation. They taught me everything I needed to know. Good manners, proper eloqution, good posture, how to dress well, how to rationalise an argument. I can go anyway and do anything with the confidence that I am unlikely to make any glaring mistakes. They also set me up with great academic skills and grades which gave me the confidence to push to the top re academics and career aspirations. I have essentially had every excuse not to try removed. If I fail it is entirely from a lack of trying so I go out and bloody try. I owe it to myself really.

Reading through some of these posts, it strikes me "what is the rest of Europe dong that we are not?"
They do not rely on the private sector to give their children "confidence" maybe its down to good parenting after all? something that if we have to send our kids to a fee paying school, we are not very good at.

Most independent schools post subject and university of undergraduate or MA/PHD very rarely do they publish ‘pgce’ or ‘QTS’

True. Although as my school was consistently top of the league tables, beating the likes of St Pauls / Westminster etc, even if there did happen to be someone who hadn't gained a specific teaching qualification, teachers all had previous experience in other schools. And they clearly got the results, so as long as their children got the expected quality of education, I don't think parents would have objected!

I think maybe it starts in reception when they're greeted at the school entrance by the head or similar and expected to shake hands, make eye contact and say good morning, etc. A child who avoids making eye contact or who shuffles about or fidgets stands out early on and this kind of thing is not the expected norm.

For 7, 8 or 11 plus exams they are taught interview skills and how to present / sell themselves. If a child has undergone 11-plus exams for some of the super-competitive London day schools such as St Paul's, etc, the process for getting into law or medical schools or whatever later on in life is far less likely to phase them because this level of pressure and competition come as second nature.

If you have opportunities and know you're privileged in that sense, there is nobody to blame or no excuses if you don't teach your potential!

Things like Oxbridge entry or US Ivy League are seen as fairly standard routes. There are departments within schools to support students in their applications. You don't need to be seen as an outlier to consider this kind of route. If anything, it's expected.

There are loads more opportunities for public speaking, debating, etc. At my son's school, politicians and other figures from the world of business or science frequently give talks and the students are not shy to question them afterwards.

If you are surrounded by confident peers and adults, it tends to rub off.

At my dc's Prep school they award house points for good manners. They encourage small children to speak politely and confidently to adults from an early age. But I do think some state schools are good at this, too.

I went to private school. On the whole I don't think it was to thank for my rock solid self confidence. If anything the environment did the opposite. I went on scholarship so was the "poor" kid. I joined after 11+ when most of my classmates had been there since nursery. My parents instilled my self-confidence by telling me I was brilliant...a lot! They never failed to praise an achievement or even a half achievement. They didn't push me to do things I wasn't good at (sport) and I grew up knowing I sing like a strangled cat and run like a duck. You can't pick on my obvious flaws - I know they are there, always have done, and I know that my family love me for them. I will still sing happily in public despite being completely tone deaf! When I started my first job I used to ring my mum up and ask her to tell me how brilliant I was before I did something I found intimidating - that really helped! I have had some horrendous screw ups in my time (I chucked off my first University Course for failing my exams due to spending all my time in the pub). My parents were disappointed but as my Dad (+ Uncle + cousin) did the same they weren't that angry. They just helped me pick myself back up and reapply for new courses.

So unwavering support and the belief of those who love you that you are perfect just the way you are is rather key.

However we did also do presentations in school (and I did Guiding and International camp and did presentations there also). I used to do props for the school plays and got thrown out of choir and refused to join all sports teams (not that they'd have had me). But my parents did encourage my love of horse riding (I used to work as a trek guide in a local stables all summer looking after tourists) and sailing (I eventually did instruction to coastal skipper level which involved sailing trips away with mixed age groups). I used to help part time in the family shop so was used to dealing with customers. So extra-curricular activities that your kid can be good at to challenge them and build confidence. Dealing on an equal footing with adults from an early age.

I am 40 now with a highly paid professional job and I spend a lot of time telling my DD who great she is and am quietly finding her activities to do that both challenge her and at which she can excel! School make her do presentations and she had the principal part in her recent school play including singing a solo!

I haven't read the full thread so this may have been mentioned but having enough money, not rich necessarily but having enough resources to given you choices has quite a big effect on your cognative function. There have been studies on it and books written about it.

When you have even some money it allows you to be strategic to step back and decide how best to use the recources you have for the best outcome for you and your family. This sense of mastery however small is enough to give a person a huge boost in confidence as they will feel somewhat in control of their lives. If your parents has this it feeds into your own development. I would guess that most private school students will have this sort of background even if they are not rich.

I am sure the smaller class sizes and extra support at private schools as well as the way they try to find the strengths and talents of each child and encourage them is also helpful in making a child feel confident.

I am sure many of us can compare times we were living hand to mouth to more affluent times and see the difference for ourselves in how we felt, thought and acted. Poverty has a direct effect on our brains.

Being told you are better than everyone else and being given lots of connections with this

I don’t know of a single private school that tells it’s students they are better than everyone else. but this nonsense is constantly spouted on MN.

I also in my experience have not come across any private school wether public school or not that gives out loads of connections .

Children go to school and make friends. If they keep up those friendships then they keep in touch. Boarding parents rarely get to see each other so if you didn’t have these connections before your offspring entered the school, you’re not likely to make any more.
They often orangiseopportunities for parents to meet up, quiz nights, dinner etc but to be honest attendance isn’t great because people have to come from a far distance most of the time and quite frankly when they do attend, the discussion is simply around how Johnny is doing.

I agree the alumni activities help. They come to schools to talk about their line of work etc to inspire the kids but they don’t hand out their phone number! The schools also help to find out from the alumni association about internships etc on behalf of students. But bear in mind these are very very few, and may not even be in an ideal location. The majority have to apply for internships etc just like everyone else.

I think it's the parents and family not the school that imparts the confidence.

I'm pleased to see that at least 90% of the stuff listed here that private schools do, my dcs state school also does.

knowing I sing like a strangled cat and run like a duck

There's a Username in there somewhere!

DS is state educated (was considering independent for secondary but he didn't get into the school I particularly wanted so we're going state for a couple of years and seeing how It goes).

He's extremely confident, articulate and universally adored by his friends' parents.

I think it comes from having a solid and secure background, a family of high-achievers so he doesn't see any impediment to success, a keen interest in the world that's encouraged and he sails and competes which does wonders for him in terms of physical confidence and ease with himself.

He also has a French tutor as he wanted to improve his language skills over and above what they were learning at school.

As things are, I don't think there's anything an independent school would have given him that we haven't provided ourselves.

I do accept though that he is from a privileged background, so we are able to offer opportunities he wouldn't otherwise have.

For various reasons, I have two children that were privately educated when they were in year 7 and 8, and one currently at state school in year 7.

The private schools put so much more emphasis on reading poems aloud, giving talks, speaking to adults. They used to have to sit at the head's table once a term and talk to her and staff about current affairs.

My state school educated child gets none of this. She's a happy girl but spends lunchtimes on her phone with her mates and teachers are often a bit scary and unapproachable. If you tried to have a sensible grown up conversation with a teacher your mates would think you were a complete suck up.

It's been a bit of an eye-opener tbh - the confidence levels are hugely different - and this is a girl who was potentially the most confident of the lot.

Despite having absoultey no money I am going begging to the bursar of my older dds school next week.

I think of the two options of - external confidence but inside mess (a la (some) private), vs less obvious confidence but secure as a person (a la state), I'd prefer the latter.

The teachers at the private school seemed interested in them. Because of the smaller class sizes, they knew them. They knew their likes and dislikes and could have conversations with them about things that they liked. At the state school, which is a really good school academically, the teachers just do not have the time to do this. A lot of them know and like dd and her reports are good, but they don't talk to her in the way that the private school teachers talked to my other dds.

I think some private schools are really, really excellent establishments. But straight off the bat, private schools benefit from some fabulous, and not entirely deserving PR - the default assumption is that private education is superior in any and every way. Many, many state schools are providing their children with a great education too, with confidence and skills.

That said, a lot of the private preps in Cambridge have teachers with no formal teaching qualifications.

Obviously all children are different jaffa and some respond to some schools in a good way, some in a bad way.

My dcs clearly respond to whatever it is that (single sex if that is a factor for girls, which it might be actually) private schools offer.

I can absolutely promise you it is not a sense of being better than everyone else.

I think it's probably drilled into these kids from birth by their well-off parents, making them feel entitled and important. Then the school reinforces it.

I haven't RTFT but my experience of private school was the opposite. Dad died when I was 13, bullied, previously being a high achiever at state primary translated as average at secondary, dented my confidence a lot.