to ask how do private schools produce such "confident" kids / adults and how I can do it at home?

[dragontwo]

Ok, I have my reservations about private schools, but I recognise that often they produce kids / adults with high self confidence and self assurance.

I want to know how they do this, how they drill this confidence into them, and how I can replicate any beneficial aspects of this at home into my own kid (state schooled)?

What do they say / do / teach that encourages them to be so confident and expect success?

I know there are down sides to everything but I'm just thinking about good ideas I can help my kid. NB I'm no tiger mother and do my best to encourage my kid as it is already but just looking for ideas and general thoughts on how it's done!!

Just curious!

I went to a private and later a rather selective state school. (I'm not from the UK so take my experiences with a grain of salt.)

I had rather horrible teachers when I was little.

Throwing keys, emptying bookbags infront of the whole class, needing to recite a poem about how I could improve my character (infront of the whole class...) about once a week, made to stand in a corner, cold water, public insults, correcting exams loudly infront of the whole class etc... (At a time where these practices wouldn't have been accepted in state schools.)

Most of us hated our teachers and it created a sense of community. And actually also self-confidence (in a weirdly twisted way...).

We also had a lot of school performances, various art projects, more foreign languages than in most states schools (and much earlier... Year 1, actually), study exchanges, we built a boat...

Pearls that is great your DCs have properly trained teachers but many do not. I have worked in a school that did not, a few, not many and parents were not aware of this, whether you accept the point or not it is a fact.They were paying a huge amount of money for a graduate with no clue on specifications, examinations, texts,he had never stood in a classroom and I consider this a rip off. For obvious reasons I cannot name the school but its a reputable one in London..and this was an A level subject and the results were dreadful.

Summer, you really don't expect teachers to have PGCEs, really that is demeaning to a whole profession, hope you feel differently about other professions!

I would not allow my children to be taught by someone not trained, no more than I would take them to an untrained dentist. I would advise all considering private school to ask for teachers qualification to be on display ( they usually are). They differ hugely and need scrutiny,

Marjorie25 well yes, are you saying that learning Latin, and I did Greek too, give me an advantage?

I don't know. I'm not bad in a pub quiz though.

Marjorie25 well yes, are you saying that learning Latin, and I did Greek too, give me an advantage?

of course learning latin, greek and modern languages give you an advantage. Most state schools don't offer that.

Do you seriously think you didn't get an advantage from your education that included these languages?

if you thought you were fluent at the end of school just because you learned the languages- then your school was at fault or you were very naive or maybe strangely disconnected from reality.

Rosemary

Maybe? ;) I could still sing "what shall we do with the drunken sailor" in Latin... [laugh]
Only had two years of Latin, tbh. (I took Italian, French and English to fulfill my foreign language requirements...)

Unfortunately some turn out to be arrogant tossers who are entitled and look down on others. Others are self reliant, responsible and well rounded. I think parental attitudes are responsible for whether they turn out to be one or the other in part.

^ This. We know some of both, one of the three local private schools seems to specialise in turning out arrogant tossers who are mini versions of their parents but the other two seem to do a better job of producing people who don't think state school pupils are scum.

My DD was at an tennis tournament which happened to be all private schools except for two, mainly because it was organised by a private school and held on their grounds. She was furious because she overheard a pupil saying that her school didn't stand a chance because they were a state school. Guess which school won?

I agree with a PP that some of the girls schools turn out girls with low self esteem. The school I went to first has now closed. From my year only two of us can afford private school today, with only me being able to afford boarding for 3DC. It's Darwinism for you and no I would never send my DDs to that school.

What gives confidence is mainly the culture of striving for excellence. At the school I moved to the girls were all confident, much more so than I, and the popular girls were the ones leaving with EE offers from Oxbridge and getting 5 A's at A'Level while playing a sport at county or country level and musical instrument to grade 8.

My father was always pushing us to work hard. He never cared about our grades. If we didn't work hard he would punish us with waking us up at 5am to go muck out the horses, help our neighbors milk their cows or pull weeds from the cobblestones. My sister got drunk and my father made her volunteer at a charity helping alcoholics. He talked to us a lot about drug abuse and we were taken to a drug rehab center a few times to volunteer. I never focused on my academic grades just my effort grades. By default I got lots of A grades for ability. Getting good grades helped me with confidence.

I have taught in both state and private and I didn't do anything different in the classroom (except for a lot less crowd control and a lot more actual teaching in the private) every lunchtime the kids in private school sit down and have a formal meal where there are 'guests' (teachers getting a free lunch) who they have to converse with. I think it's these soft skills that makes them confident, they have been talking to a wide range of people for their whole lives.
I would say 1. Read to your kids, get them to read, expose them to literature from different cultures

1. Take them to the theatre/ museum/ art gallery/ concerts
2. Eat together as a family and discuss current affairs at the dinner table to give them a good general knowledge base
3. Allow them to play computer games (most of my ancient history comes from playing Civilisation II)
4. Show them cult classic (age appropriate) films and play them Elvis, The Beatles, Dolly Parton, whatever you listened to growing up
5. Listen to interesting podcasts in the car

"I would advise all considering private school to ask for teachers qualification to be on display ( they usually are)."

Absolute nonsense! How would the qualifications be displayed when they remain in the possession of the staff? Where should they be displayed? What does a teacher do when they use several classrooms? Carry around a plaque?

Under "Our Staff' on websites has them, not nonsense at all. Standard for most private schools, they use them as accolades. Its normal, if you check, publicly accessible and standard. They are not hidden but there for prospective parents to see, even include the universities they attended, much as doctors and lawyers do. It is considered normal practice just not all well known. Go to 'our staff' on any website and they will be there. Takes a minute and can be reassuring and informative.

I think it starts with expectations and role modeling. If a child is surrounded by poverty mentality, that education is unimportant, parents on drugs and not really caring, peers who look down on education, then it's going to be very hard to a child to do well in school and be confident.

If you have parents who value education and want their child to succeed and they are giving opportunities to try out different things and go to a school were most of the other kids are motivated and competitive, they will have a better chance of doing well.

Some schools just want kids to sit down and shut up and they spoon feed the bare minimum to pass. With larger classes, a class can easily be disruptive by one troublemaker and not as many opportunities for each child to lead and participate.

cheerymom it is a one year vocational course, hardly the same as a degree in dentistry which is a minimum of four years. I am sure it is useful and provides a basic threshold for most teaching staff but I am more concerned with teachers having expertise and passion in their subjects and the wish to share that. The older teachers in my school growing up often didn't have the more standardised vocational training of the younger ones but were frequently better teachers. I have nothing against PGCE's but don't particularly check for them when enrolling my DC in a school.

OK it has been an advantage for me, but I'm quite old so it's not fair to compare me with the current cohort.

I was exposed to languages without being fluent in them. I didn't put my own dc in private schools. They are all fluent in another language.

It's a mindset, I don't think private is better. I think what parents do makes the difference. It's always been the way.

My kids are at private Catholic schools in the US, because if the separation of church and state they have to be private.

My 2 dds are in high school, it's quite a small school but at least 75% of kids do a sport. They started a crew (rowing) team less than 3 yrs ago and my 14 yr old joined as a complete novice this year. We are on the West coast and they took the team to regattas in Canada, California, Oregon and Washington. She said the team really bonds because as well as 2 hrs practice every day Mon-Fri at a Regatta they all get up at 5am for breakfast (or earlier) and then go to the river or lake to rig the boats and practice before races, then race, then stay all day supporting any other team members still competing then de-rig etc. So they all work incredibly hard and do physical labor together. She says they have all suffered together . The varsity teams are already going to nationals due to the commitment and she trains all school year from august-may.

She still had to complete all her school work and projects. So learning to cope with big commitments and demands and how to be a successful team member are life lessons. As well as having a lot of fun. They still have to get school work done on time even if they had a 3 day regatta - no exceptions.

Summer most teachers have a four year degree in their subject and many have MAs so hardly just a one year vocational course. I have seven years in my subject but did not call myself a teacher until I did my PGCE. Otherwise the profession will suffer even further from media bashing. Its great to be passionate but there is more to teaching.I am simply asking for a profession to be considered valid with valid recognised qualifications. Teaching methods have changed a lot and we have to stay current. Otherwise why bother with the PGCE just let anyone with a degree do it? And many PGCEs specialise in areas such as dyslexia or SEN, most of which were hardly recognised or dealt with with previous generation of teachers. I can't even believe I am having to qualify the necessity of a professional having proper training!

I agree private school kids do tend to be more confident.
Im suprised no one has mentioned bullying though.
From experience bad behaviour in general gets clamped down on especially bullying so they are allowed to be more confident.
In state schools theres definitely more bullying and it doesnt take much for the claws to come out.

Also interestingly in Ireland where I have moved back to teach there is a Teaching Council with very strict guidelines re qualifications. It has cut out the nepotism of letting SMTs kids teach just with a degree, for example. Being passionate does not make you an expert on the ever changing curriculum or current teaching methods or how to manage a class or do assessments or.......etc. Also as it is such a tough course it prepares you for the workload ahead. And I do compare myself with other professions with 8 years training and wish to be seen as such. I'm just fed up with the 'anyone can teach; idea.

In my son's school he was entering middle school at 11. Before the school year started I was approached by the school who said ds was very distracted and disorganized and recommended he join a program they had for developing Executive Skills.

So all this year he had an hour class 4 days a week which taught elements such as: his own learning style, how to advocate for himself and approach teachers, how to break down a project into steps, how to organize his materials and binders, where to get extra help etc. etc.

He went from an average B+ student to a straight A student and the best part was I was not involved AT ALL! He was taught how to take full responsibility for his work and obviously develop a good work ethic. He is only 11 but I was so impressed how much better prepared he is now for the rest of middle school and high school. There were only 8 kids in this class.

His school has pupils from pre-school to 8th grade (14) so that is why they spotted these issues in late primary.

I went to a private girls' school and have issues with social anxiety and self esteem. I am however able to project an air of authority and confidence and most people do not know I am a snivelling wreck behind closed doors.

I worked in an office with 3 private school and 1 state school educated person and the ss person would often say that she thought the difference was that we expected to be listened to. I think that is true to some extent, certainly in a working environment.

NB I was definitely at the poorest end of the scale in terms of pupils at my school, (although by no means deprived), and having coasted through primary school I did struggle to keep up academically there - so my experience may not be typical.

I have a confident DS, when asking him stuff he will reply to me I'm good at life. It's as if failing is not an option

DH was privately educated, I went to a bog standard comp.
He has seen us both have career success, seen me set up and run charities. DH and I are very sporty, myself less so these days due to ill health but both of us played in competitive sport as adults. He has travelled quite a lot for a young person. We are also financially very well off and I think that does give people confidence.

We chose not to send him to the local private school as it is quite frankly rubbish.

The most bullied child I know is my friends DS, he has diagnosed aspergers and he has attended three different fee paying schools. So I think it depends on each individual school.

Izzy24 Tue 12-Jun-18 22:49:09
Confident parents who are interested in their children and interested in the world around them and who motivate their children to fulfill their potential whilst giving and expecting respect will grow confident children.

THIS^^

Use long words with your child.
Ask for your child's opinions on diverse topics that are not necessarily going to be talked about in school. Ask him to back those opinions.
Take your child to places like museums, art galleries, photography exhibitions. Ask for his opinion on pieces - converse, draw out, don't settle for a one word or one line answer.
Get him into music lessons.
Play a wide variety of radio stations, including classical. Stop listening to the echo chamber of spotify, etc. Ask DS's opinion on different music.
Try to get DS reading - ask his opinion on books he has read. Share articles and books you are interested in. Ask for his opinion, and again, draw him out.
Respond with 'That's an interesting opinion', 'I like the way you put that' - generally encouraging.
Share your own opinions on all of that too. Be curious and enthusiastic and convey that.

Make sure your DS understands that there is no area of life that is unworthy of his attention and no area that is for 'others' and beyond his 'station'.

Advice for instilling confident.

Don't let your DC use social media. It's the 21st century's most sure-fire way of destroying their confidence:

• comparison (with their peers) is the thief of joy
• it's a hotbed of bullying
• it robs them of time for real world interaction and face to face communication
• it trivialises everything and gives them a view of life that's predicated on what you earn, what you possess, and what crap TV you watched last night.

So all this year he had an hour class 4 days a week which taught elements such as: his own learning style, how to advocate for himself and approach teachers, how to break down a project into steps, how to organize his materials and binders, where to get extra help etc. etc

Feast that course sounds amazing. Is it something that can be done in any school or did your DS school develop it themselves?

My advice from teaching experience

Read to your children
Try to instil independent reading as a thing to do automatically.
Days out, anywhere, parks, beaches, walks, library membership ( free and gives choice).
Constant talk even watching TV, e.g. the next ad is yours, then swop ads based on value etc
If affordable music ( helps with science and maths skills)
A culture of chat about light current affairs
Time to eat together without screens at least once a day
Practical help, cooking etc, painting stones etc
Programmes like Horrible Histories
Sports or even walking with family
Limited screen time, not 7 hours a day as seems frequent
Help with organising schoolbags, homework and timetables
Free time to play and pursue fun things

I used to interview children for bursaries fir an independent schools. many were hothoused with an array of activities that would break ab adult. The crucial question I often found was what would you like to do with a whole Saturday without plans.

There were two types of responses
I would practice my violin before learning my french then watch an educational programme etc

OR

I would take my doggy for a walk, eat lots of sweets and bring my family for chips on the beach.

having both scored equally on the main questions the second one usually got it as it showed normality and ability to think outside very harsh parental expectations, the principals choice not mine. But I agreed.