to ask how do private schools produce such "confident" kids / adults and how I can do it at home?

[dragontwo]

Ok, I have my reservations about private schools, but I recognise that often they produce kids / adults with high self confidence and self assurance.

I want to know how they do this, how they drill this confidence into them, and how I can replicate any beneficial aspects of this at home into my own kid (state schooled)?

What do they say / do / teach that encourages them to be so confident and expect success?

I know there are down sides to everything but I'm just thinking about good ideas I can help my kid. NB I'm no tiger mother and do my best to encourage my kid as it is already but just looking for ideas and general thoughts on how it's done!!

Just curious!

I have noticed it as a recruiter ,there can be (generalising) maybe a bit more bullshitting/fake it till you make it with the privately educated kids but crucially so much less fear of failure. They will often have done something adventurous, started up their own things, they will talk about all this quite unselfconsciously. It must be a great way to feel.

I think you are confusing the trademark lesser-private school swagger with confidence.What it is really is a mixture of arrogance and blag which nearly everyone finds deeply unappealing and usually masks insecurity and lack of substance
Confidence is completely different - confident people are comfortable in their skin, aware of and able to acknowlwdge their own shortcomings

Spot on @Carycach100
My dh is the most genuinely confident person I've ever met. As such he is the exact opposite of the types of people the op is aspiring her dc to be. He never shows off, never boasts, he could have been in the Olympics and wouldn't mention it.
He would never stand up in front of a crowd of people and talk. He wouldn't want to, so doesn't. Because he's so confident in himself he doesn't have anything to prove.

good point Carycach100, and @arethereanyleftatall, where did I say I wanted a "show off, boastful" DC? Putting words in my mouth, much??

I asked for the "beneficial aspects" in my OP. That does NOT include boasting or showing off. Merely wanting to know the positive qualities that I have seen some kids. And yes I do have reservations about private schools, as if you had read my OP you might realise.

Sorry should have written:

Merely wanting to know how to encourage the positive qualities that I have seen some kids from private school have (and outside of private school too I should add - I did not say it was exclusive to private school). And yes I do have reservations about private schools, as if you had read my OP you might realise.

Want2b fantastic, but take a look at the many threads on here about SEN kids being kicked out of or not even considered for Indies in the UK. Most do not have the resources, the staff appropriately trained or the inclination to cater for SEN. I would love to know these schools that snapped up your ASD children as I would put my ds there tomorrow as he is being let down by the state and we pay for his speech etc but the Indies do not want to know as one put it they have to be “mindful” of other parents who are paying and don’t want my son to be seen to be having a little bit of handholding until he knows the routine. I would also bet that the selectives would want double the fees to pay for 1 to 1 support.

user

Lots of children with sn at my dd school, not charged for 1 to 1 support.
i'm not sure they would be able to offer a place to those with severe sn, but state schools don't provide for these cases either.
It has never been posed that any child is less welcome than another and certainly no mindfulness of them affecting anybody else.
I'm sorry if this is your experience.
I love that there are the staff to provide support for not only sn, but mh, learning disabilities, and difficulties, and of course EAL and G&T.

Depends on the school, depends on the child, it's difficult to generalise. For what it's worth I went to private school under the old assisted places schemes, no way would my parents have been able to afford fees. I hated it, hated the expectations of multi-millionaire 'success' coming from my drug-ridden estate, asked to leave every year, constantly felt like an outsider, never really re-built confidence, and it left me totally bitter and twisted about the inequality of Britain. The last of which I'm sure I never would have been otherwise .

IMO the benefits ascribed, including educational ability, to private school pupils are entirely due to their coming from the kind of backgrounds that pushed them into private school in the first place. Home-based nurturing will outweigh school-based nurturing every time.

Sorry, must add the dc are very tolerant of children who might be different to them for some reason.
I can't give instances because it isn't fair under our circumstances (small school) but my dd has been faced with some things she found a bit unnerving from a new boy once.
She immediately reported it and the SENCO spoke to dd and gave her info on what to do and how she could help the boy.
maybe some fee paying schools are like you say, but please don't tar them all with the same brush.

Gillybeanz I would love to know what school it is as in my area the schools either want £10k upwards or do not want to know and I am not talking major SEN, just a very bright boy with development and speech running 9 months behind who is making constant progress with no behaviour issues.

Gillybeanz it is hard not to be cynical when you have been treated like shit by a private school and while I am glad you are having a great experience sadly you are ina minority x

My ds went to a top private school, hated it. All his friends were in the debating society (amongst others), and used to go on national and foreign trips debating with other schools, the last trip was a “European Union” trip to France. I’m sure public speaking have the boys confidence.

asked to leave every year

WrongOn - did you ask every year to leave the school, or did you ask every year to leave the drug ridden estate?

user

I do believe you, I've heard it myself and some parents at dd school who have come from others have told us this, too.
I'm sorry that all children can't be catered for in both sectors, it's so wrong.

I went to a private girls' school that unfortunately had mostly rubbish, complacent teachers, and I wasted most of my time dreaming about boys!

BUT, I was surrounded by extremely confident, assertive girls and I think that really rubbed off on me.

Once I'd clawed my way back on track and into university, I graduated thinking I could do anything and it sort of became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

A good state school would have the same effect IMO though.

I should also mention that when I was in my early 20s I went to a dinner party in London and we were 'warned' in advance by the host that there would be three ex-Etonians there.

We couldn't understand why he did this, but OMG they took arrogance to the next level, saying the F-word about twice in every sentence and basically insulting everyone there. It was quite astonishing.

Looking back in makes my stomach sink to think these are the people running our country and leading industry 😬😬.

I think deep rooted in our society is the issue of class

Of course you will have children and adults who have confidence from whatever their background but projected on to children from mc and upper mc backgrounds is that they shall achieve, they probably have better chances in life, will come from nice homes, will have better opportunities

All this of course we know isn’t necessarily true but people certainly still make assumptions

If we talk about confidence, just money and privilege won’t provide it. Money and privilege produces arrogant, self-obsessed dunces, the likes of which are running this country at the moment. OP wants confidence for her kids, not arrogance.

Confidence encouraged by good education comes from both academic and social activities. My daughter goes to a private secondary girls’ school, my other two to a private coed primary school. Both schools, although quite academic, are not hot houses. The focus is on making children enjoy learning, discover and nourish their interests and strengths, and on giving everyone the opportunity to be good at something - music, drama, art, design, sport or the more academic subjects. The kids are not taught just to pass exams and are not tested non stop. They are not told they are the best - they are encouraged to do their best. If they are tested, the marks are descriptive rather than in the form of points or percentages that rank them relative to their classmates. Even parents don’t know how their kids rank relative to others. Tests are mainly for the teachers to plan the curriculum, to find out what the individual kids’ strengths and weaknesses are and to teach them accordingly. Smaller class sizes definitely help, as it means the teachers can pay more individual attention to students. Confidence comes from knowing that when you are good at something it is noticed and appreciated.

Socially, there is lots of teamwork, and the kids are taught to respect other kids’ opinions and differences - and of course the other way round: they know their opinions will be respected too. There’s a lot of debating, discussing, critical thinking. Also, feeling included does wonders to your confidence. My eldest daughter is mildly autistic, but she has never been labelled as such or singled out in class - instead, all the kids had a few lessons about autism, and about other conditions that mean people may act a bit differently from what we’re used to, but it’s OK. And nobody has ever commented in a critical way about my daughter’s occasional ‘weirdness’. She is confident if socially ocassionally awkward and shy.

Basically, confidence comes from self-respect. Find your children’s strengths, encourage them to do their best at what they are passionate about. Teach them to respect others and to have the courage to have and express their own views. Teach them to say no to things they are not comfortable with and to not give in to peer pressure.

I know it’s all a bit high-winded, but it works.

Suspiciously

That is an absolutely marvellous summary, that when I read was nodding along.

Thank you gillybeans
I wish all the kids had a great experience at school. The world would be a happier and better place. And it’s not even the question of private vs state sector. I’ve seen private schools where I wouldn’t put my kids even if they paid me to do so: competitive, league-tables-obsessed, with kids burnt out with stress before they even leave. Some parents love such schools, kids not so much. These tend to be the same parents who complain to the teachers about not setting enough homework.

State schools could also be great if the teachers could concentrate on proper teaching and inspiring, without having their hands increasingly tied by stupid governmental inspections, expectations, regulations, testing and paperwork.

Once again I have to agree,
Due to the area we live our two older dc didn't have half the opportunity that dd is having. It was the complete opposite ds2 finally diagnosed with Aspergers at 18, spent most of his time in isolation or the corridor.
Ds1 sink estate school, drugs, violence, not an environment to learn.
Luckily they had interested parents and we parented them both on the right path, despite peer pressure to the opposite.
They are confident, ds1 has a good career, ds2 we still don't know yet, but he works ft. Neither has aspiration to rule the world, or dominate in a profession.

whoops.

Forgot to say, lots of brilliant state secondary schools, all over the place.
They are just not known for it round here.
Not a grammar for miles, nearest and only private school about 8 miles away.

When they tell you they are going to do something (unless it is criminal or likely to be fatal!), you say "awesome!" and ask them more about it in a way which assumes they will succeed.
eg: "I'm going to learn Portuguese and then travel south america next year"
"awesome! which parts in particular? you'll have to take lots of photos to show me!"
not "hahaha you'll never learn Portuguese" or "omg that is quite far away, isn't that scary? How about Bognor instead?" etc.

For a start there will be a higher proportion of bright pupils in a private school and inheritance, it is now acknowledged, is the main factor in intelligence. Small classes help as does setting and competition. Opportunities to take part in sports, drama, music, public speaking and other enriching activities are offered with chances to learn self discipline, skills and resilience. Discipline underpins the relationship between reacher and pupil and infringements are punished. The curriculum and teaching methods are still mostly traditional and focussed on success. Exams are frequent and train the children not to fear them but take them in their stride. Manners are taught and articulate and polite speech are expected between adults and children and between the children themselves. Reading is taken seriously and it is expected that children will read voraciously. Children see these rules reinforced at home by parents who are focussed on education. There is no hijacking of funds to spend liberally on the weakest and the worst behaved as the parents are paying and want their child to succeed, not languish forgotten in a class of problem children.

Of course a danger in all of this is that children will become arrogant, spoilt and entitled and, when my two were at prep schools and state grammars, there were a number of children who were obnoxious. Yet there were enough lovely, clever, confident children that my own were influenced (and influenced others) for the good.

Having said that, my youngest is clever but shy and, while she can still be self deprecating, she has been taught a confident manner to see her through public events and dealing with others. In fact, that is the nature of her job now.

These are the positives that private school offers but there is also the issue of what they are not which is almost more important.

Private schools do not push an artificial, caring/ sharing agenda. They do not elevate the badly behaved, the weak, the unacademic and the parents who do not support education, poor speech and manners. Private schools do not tolerate bullying, ‘banter’, cheeking the teacher or other bad behaviour. They do not seek to take clever children down a peg or two or make them feel guilty about being bright or from non-poor homes. They do not employ weak, badly qualified or unacademic teachers. They do not put politically correct values above those connected with education.

I worked and at one time my whole salary went towards paying the school fees. Today I could not afford it but I would mortgage the house to do it. There is nothing so important as education.