to ask how do private schools produce such "confident" kids / adults and how I can do it at home?

[dragontwo]

Ok, I have my reservations about private schools, but I recognise that often they produce kids / adults with high self confidence and self assurance.

I want to know how they do this, how they drill this confidence into them, and how I can replicate any beneficial aspects of this at home into my own kid (state schooled)?

What do they say / do / teach that encourages them to be so confident and expect success?

I know there are down sides to everything but I'm just thinking about good ideas I can help my kid. NB I'm no tiger mother and do my best to encourage my kid as it is already but just looking for ideas and general thoughts on how it's done!!

Just curious!

Sorry, teacher not reacher. No edit button.

For a start there will be a higher proportion of bright pupils in a private school and inheritance, it is now acknowledged, is the main factor in intelligence

Bollocks.

Agreed - there is non of this - everyone gets a star, a prize etc. The best performing do but that’s it.
It’s a more realistic prep for life let’s be honest, not everyone will get the promotion or whatever.

They do not employ weak, badly qualified or unacademic teachers.

Having worked in a number of private schools I can assure you that there are a few of these dotted around!

Teacher22 sorry but some of ypur sweeping statements are bollocks.

I have witnessed bullying and banter that you claim will not be tolerated that has driven a child to self harm but it has all been swept under the carpet as the bully was the bursers son.

They do not employ weak, underacademic or under qualified teachers. I have witnessed with my own children some of the weakest and poorest teaching and most parents I know including me have had to employ tutors. After I withdrew him from one my ds told me that the maths teacher used to just stick You Tube videos on.

Enriching opportunities in debating, sport, drama, maths challenges do exist in State and around here the state frequently thrash the Indies in sport, public speaking etc.

Teacher22 Inheritance a main factor in intelligence???? Then how come my dh who was raised on a council estate achieved a PHD from Cambridge???

Teacher22 Inheritance a main factor in intelligence???? Then how come my dh who was raised on a council estate achieved a PHD from Cambridge???

You do realise that there are exceptions to every rule, right???

Teacher22 Inheritance a main factor in intelligence???? Then how come my dh who was raised on a council estate achieved a PHD from Cambridge???

Are you saying that people who bring their child(rent) up on a council estate aren't intelligent?

*ren (not rent...)

Walking yes I do my dh was not particularly an exception at his comp loads of his peers went on to University and are successful but that was back in the days before tuition fees and grants were stll around but thats another story.

Teacher22 is making some really sweeping statements which are not true!

Kaybush - why on earth did your host invite old Etonians if he/she felt obliged to 'warn' you about their presence.
Do you ask people to dinner who you feel you must 'warn' the other guests about?

As someone who didn't go to private school but works with lots of people who did, I think it's:

• believing your contribution is worthwhile, speaking up and just expecting others will listen because why wouldn't they?
• expecting success, having been pushed to achieve great results from a young age. At my school, if you were heading for a B or a C that was fine, what was the big deal? Private schools expect A or A*s

.

I should also mention that when I was in my early 20s I went to a dinner party in London and we were 'warned' in advance by the host that there would be three ex-Etonians there.
We couldn't understand why he did this, but OMG they took arrogance to the next level, saying the F-word about twice in every sentence and basically insulting everyone there. It was quite astonishing.

@Kaybush - Your host was an idiot. So they invited the Etonians they clearly loathe for sport?
Of course,no one who went to state school ever swore, ever.

This whole thread is just full of silly stereotypes, and ridiculous generalisations.

Are there annoying, arrogant private school students -Of course
Are there annoying arrogant state school student - Of course
Are there good private schools - Yes, of course
Are there good state schools - Yes of course.
Are there shy, timid lacking in confidence private school students - Yes
Are the shy, timid, lacking in confidence state school student - Yes

Just follow this train and swap adjectives, you can find children that match across both sectors.

A good state school would have the same effect IMO though.

I wish I thought that was true, @Kaybush. I think state comprehensives (not grammars) would find that almost impossible to emulate. Because they exclude no one, there will be a high proportion of children passing through who may never work in their lives. Whose parents live on benefits, and they too foresee either benefits or dead end jobs as their horizons. Eye contact and a firm handshake won't solve that chasm in how they view their opportunities. And quite naturally, people who deeply believe they have no opportunities will mock, scorn, threaten and bully those who think they have some. So there's often an unwritten rule in comps that you must play down academic enthusiasm to survive. That was certainly true in the school I went to. I know it was true for several other friends.

And I've discovered it to be true among the state school pupils I tutor, many of whom have said to me: I can't use that word in an essay, people will think I'm up myself. One of the main jobs I have as a tutor for state school children is to foster their self belief and to try and get them past the idea that writing fluently and eloquently is 'posh' and therefore not for them. I think state schools have so many social and economic battles on their hands, and justifiable social and economic anger coming out in their pupils in various ways. It's not all about learning. In private schools, there's less to contend with. There's perfectionism and status games but not such a massive variety of complex issues because the pupils aren't drawn from such a wide social pool.

I suspect the difference between me and some posters on here is that I have actually met some state schoo, children and lived to tell the tale......

Almost everyone I know went to state school. The only ones who didn't were my boss, who had rich parents, 3 friends whose parents worked overseas and who boarded in the UK, and those, like me, who got scholarships or assisted places under something called the "direct grant scheme" which only existed until the early 70s.

I know someone whose daughter got a 90% scholarship to Roedean, and my lovely niece got a scholarship to a private school. They are now 13 and 16, and their maturity and confidence has developed massively. They are streets ahead of other teenage kids I know, but whether that's the private school thing or the single-sex thing, I have no idea.

@MinaPaws gosh that's so sad and very worrying.

It is of course down to where the comprehensive is though. My son went to one of two comprehensives available to us He hared it mainly for the reasons you outline, so last year managed to switch to the other one, where he is thriving.

The schools are only about two miles apart, but the first is near some large estates and attract a large proportion of the kind of pupils you describe.

The second is in a much more affluent area and my son says in almost every class he's been in since he joined last summer, all the students are attentive and well behaved.

I'm really pleased for him but quite sad for his former school. What I always thought was a teaching issue seems to be just down to demographics.

@Kaybush The only Etibian I ever met was withdrawn and quiet. When asked which school he went to, he was embarrassed and mumbled something along the lines of ‘uhm, a school near Slough’ His mother invited a few of his pals including me to lunch one day and spent the entire time berating her son for everything, making pointed remarks etc. It was painful to be there. His was 22 at the time. So all in all schools have a great impact on how you turn out, but it’s mainly your parents who mess you up or make you into a happy human being. As Philip Larkin knew so well.

As for intelligence - what a horrible and asinine remark to make user. Is it a bad joke? You equate living on a council estate with lack of intelligence? In case you didn’t get it - the talk is about inheritance as in genes not as in money you inherit from a rich grandma.

And it seems to be true - there have been recent studies that showed that intelligence is largely due to genes, mainly on the maternal side - so teacher is right. Intelligence is just that though - ability to learn, adaptability, in other words mental potential. You can be an intelligent cleaner and a dumb manager. How you use your intelligence is down to your environment and opportunities. - and this is where the British education system lets down the very bright underprivileged kids.

I always thought that excellent, academically selective, but means-tested schools with a charity status might address this problem to some extent. Like Christ’s Hospital.

But that’s a topic for another thread.

‘Etonian’ not ‘Etibian’ obviously 🙄

@SuspiciouslyMinded please don't link me with the offensive comments about inheritance and intelligence! 😂😂

My two BILs went to Christ's Hospital and now have great careers. But worryingly it seems to now be suffering from what @MinaPaws described.

A recent student told me that there has been a drive to take in more ethnically diverse students from disadvantaged backgrounds, but that this has now created a culture there where it's 'not cool' to be academic.

MinaPaws that’s so depressing. What you have said illustrates the main problem Britain has with education - that is, quite large sections of society that don’t value education, where willingness to learn and being smart are perceived as something to hide or be ashamed of. Too often, underachievement is blamed on poverty or class. It has nothing to do with it - it’s all to do with attitudes. Poor kids can still visit a local library for free, but if reading is not perceived as a worthwile activity, they won’t. They’ll be riding around on stolen mopeds instead because it’s perceived as cool.

The irony of despising the very thing that can really improve your life is just depressing. But changing people’s attitudes is the hardest. Any ideas of how ths can be done?

Can you imagine if in both private and non-selective state schools teachers worked with kids whose parents want them to do their best, despite their abilities, and reinforce the message that learning is valuable and knowing things is cool and something to aspire to? Where all kids get the necessary support at home - in terms of having a safe, quite space in which to read or do their homework for example? The vast differences in achievement in the two sectors would quickly evaporate.

Kaybush I didn’t link you to this, I linked user! Probably an anonymous troll. Sorry if it wasn’t totally clear.

IME, private schools only develop the confidence in those kids who excel at something (be it sport or a particular subject.)
For "middle of the road" kids (like me) the focus was never on us. We coasted at being good or ok at everything, enough to get by without struggling.

I was one of the kids at private school in the last draft of full bursaries, and came from a single parent council flat home.

On the flip side, you have my DH who attended the same private school as I did. His family owned a large local business and he was very driven. Excelled at economics and business studies (went into to get a 2:2 in marketing at uni) teachers pushed him more than they pushed others at the same subjects.

We don't have kids yet, but schooling will be up for debate as I believe a state primary will develop a child's natural talent and then the decision should be made as to whether a private secondary would be beneficial. DH only attended private school from 5 to 18 and believes that is the way it should be...

Private schools do not push an artificial, caring/ sharing agenda. They do not elevate the badly behaved, the weak, the unacademic and the parents who do not support education, poor speech and manners. Private schools do not tolerate bullying, ‘banter’, cheeking the teacher or other bad behaviour. They do not seek to take clever children down a peg or two or make them feel guilty about being bright or from non-poor homes.

I would have to agree with many of these statements, particularly the first.

Excelled at economics and business studies (went into to get a 2:2 in marketing at uni)

Gaining a degree of class 2:2 is not a sign of excelling in that subject however good one might have been at school.

A lower second degree (2:2) is not excelling. It’s below average.