In laws will not come to 1 year olds birthday without giant dog

[Leggs11xo]

Firsy bit of back story my in-laws and I do not get on great for alot of reasons, when DD was first Born MIL came round and complelty rearranged my house calling it disgusting and FIL is very agressive and seems to fall out with everyonealot. Basically the bring alot of drama having said that we have never actually fallen out as I try and keep the peace.

So I am doing a low key first birthday for DD just family mainly. I obviously invited everyone including the in laws. They replied saying they would have to bring their dog, I love dogs but this dog is not child friendly he is very large ( just smaller than a great Dane ) and when we introduced him to the baby ( only in the same room together with him on a lead) he did not respond well. He is a lurcher type dog and so has a strong hunting instinct. I do not at all feel comfortable having him around my daughter. Beside they fact it's a birthday party and our house isn't massive I would prefer if people didn't bring their pets!

They are now saying they have will not come without the dog and how unreasonable we are not letting them bring him. I feel like this is just an excuse to cause trouble again.

YANBU. I can see why you do not get on with his parents. They remain difficult and its not your fault they are the ways they are. Their own parents likely were the same towards them too.

Is your DH a man or a mouse when it comes to them as well?. Does he default to child mode in their presence, is he fearful of them and still wants their approval.

Actually I would be saying no to the dog coming at all, not just this birthday. You don’t want their great big dog in your home and that’s fine. Set the precedent now.

And I agree it should be your DH delivering this message.

'PIL I'm sorry you feel like that but under no circumstances can we accommodate your dog. We'd love to have you here to celebrate DDs birthday but understand if you are unable to'.

End of discussion.

Yes I think all those posts rang true. DP has been really good about it and has been on my side he told them they couldn't bring the dog before hed even discussed it with me, he even offered to pay for dog daycare which they refused . Yes I think maybe I shouldn't of post this in AIBU? But WTF?

The problem I have now is if they do decide to come they will spend the whole time not speaking to me! Thats what happened last time they visited 6 months ago they just sat their ignoring me !!

You'll have a better time without your PILs there anyway.

Will there be other dogs at the party? If not, just say ‘Sorry, no dogs. Hope you can get someone to look after dog while you are at the party’.

If there were plans to have other dogs present, perhaps make it a ‘no dogs event’. I have certainly been asked not to bring my dog to an event where he would normally be invited because the hosts didn’t want another dog to attend, and it was easier just to say ‘no dogs this time’. Most people will be quite happy to agree.

Do you really care if they ignore you? Perhaps your DH could go to visit them on his own in future, because you're too busy with the baby.

Oh enjoy it. They are so totally out of order, who cares whether they are chatty? To be honest, they would get away with being rude to me up to a point in my house and then I would show them the door.

Don't compromise your child's safety, no sorry, maybe next year.

Then your dh needs to be absolutely clear that it’s your decision as a couple. If they ignore you then there are no further invitations. Ignoring your host is unforgivably rude.

Let them get on with it. They obviously don't care about your babies safety. They are one of 'those', dog owners!

ur child ur rlz hun

If they ignore you make that their last invite.. And stick to it.
No reason you need to have any sort of relationship with twats like that.

I think it's great that you try to keep the peace but it can't be at the expense of being able to enjoy important moments in your life. They've been invited and told they can't bring their dog. All of which is very reasonable. If they choose to create a drama just don't engage with it.

I bet you'll be too busy to even notice they aren't talking. I just let my MIL sulk and eventually she snaps out of it. I get where you're coming from but don't pander to them, they are grown adults and it's not about them... it's about your little one. Enjoy the day...

Well while it's rude to ignore someone in their own home...just think of the peace

Agree, leave this to your partner to sort out.

Yes let your partner deal with it but he's got to tell them your baby comes before their dog - every time

The problem I have now is if they do decide to come they will spend the whole time not speaking to me!

I would be telling my DH that I am not happy to have people who ignore me round to the house and I won't be allowing my child to be in that environment either as she grows up so they either change or see DH alone from now on. They sound so horrible it's probably best they aren't too involved anyway.

My dog will be there so I think that's why they think I'm being unreasonable but my dog is very small and child friendly. I really don't care what they think! I just put up with them for my partner and I thought it would be nice for my daughter to have a relationship with her grandparents but they don't seem to care very much about her they didn't even get her a Christmas present and I doubt they will get her anything for her birthday !

YNBU - at all.
If they do come without their dog, and if they ignore you and you want to make a point of it you could go up to them and give them a huge welcome, hugs and all (this will require some amount of bravado) and say "You do know that it's quite rude to ignore your host, don't you? That sort of behaviour will not entice us to extend another invitation in the future you know." and then walk away to chat to other guests.

"That's a shame but it's your choice obviously"

I'm always astonished that people like this exist. I believe it, I just...well...who the fuck does that???

The message they are trying to send you is that their dog is more important than your daughter. The message you should be sending back is that they are welcome to come and celebrate their GD's birthday on your (perfectly reasonable) terms.

My mother delayed meeting her first GC because she was "busy with the dog" - for five months. I left her to it.

Honestly, sticking to your guns, even if you fall out, is the quickest way to nip all this nonsense in the bud.

They're testing you - mainly you, but also their son. Where do his loyalties lie? Are they still in the 'boss' position now he's married and an adult? (this mainly FIL, by the sound of it). They want to flex their muscles and show both of you that they, the real grownups and the real 'parents' are still to be deferred to.

Nope!

I would agree with what everyone above says, and make one extra point. In the long run, it's easier to get on than not. What's the easiest way to get to that point? - by, if you need to, falling out now. If you set a boundary and cheerfully stick to it, their choices are to suck it up or lose out. If they see you mean business and are really quite happy not to see them if they strop off, the chances are they'll get to grips with that and you'll be able to have an ok relationship. Cave, or pander, and this kind of scenario will just happen again and again and again until you really really do hate them so much that there will be no way back. This seems to be what's happened so far - you sucked up their rudeness, the house rearranging... and so here they are, trying to bully you again because they think they can.

It's great that your DP is on side by the way. Lots of men aren't - little do they seem to realise that by not setting boundaries with their own parents, all they're doing is facilitating year after year of tantrums, bullying, and push push push.

So. Cheerful reply 'Oh well that's very sad but we can arrange to do something another time.' Snarky comments, get DP to reply 'No, we aren't being unreasonable - how would you feel if we tried to tell you what we'd be doing in your home after you'd said no? Have some manners, please.' If they come, and ignore you - ignore them, and make sure their ignoring means that they get to feel isolated and excluded - don't pander. And yes, when they leave, your DP says -'Well mum and dad, that was embarrassing for me! Really didn't think you'd be so rude to my friends and family. Probably better we just don't invite you to future celebrations if you're gonig to sit there like sulky toddlers.'