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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Overheard family saying horrible stuff about DH?

115 replies

RhinoGirl · 10/06/2018 20:06

Hi all,
Earlier today I overheard two close family members saying some pretty nasty things about DH. He’s come down with a nasty bug and hasn’t left bed all day. Been at a family do, and he couldn’t come pick me and DD up, so we got a taxi home. While i’m gathering my babys things up, through a window I heard my sister and mother pretty much slagging him off for not going (he’s missed the last two family gatherings, one due to work and this one due to illness).
AIBU to be angry? I didn’t say bye as I was leaving as I was close to tears. Probably should of done but i’m furious they have A) said what they said and B) i’m a grown woman and managed to get around fine when i was on mat leave.

I don’t know whether to say something or just leave it and privately seethe?

OP posts:

Juells · 11/06/2018 10:11

The "messenger" is "covering" for them, the reason is wrong-who wants to be involved in such petty shit?

I don't understand what that means.

Different families behave differently, of course. As I said upthread, in my family this would have led to an instant fight, with accusations flying, then it would be forgotten about.

How far apart are the 'does', OP? If they're three or four times a year I'd be dodging them myself, but if they're just occasional get-togethers I'd see why people are miffed. Though having said that, family get-togethers are more fun when fewer ILs are present.

crunchymint · 11/06/2018 10:35

He has missed 3 get togethers in a row? That is a lot and if I was family I would wonder if he did not like us and was deliberately avoiding us. Surely most people would?

crunchymint · 11/06/2018 10:39

diddl Not sure why you think it is petty if a family member seems to not want to spend any time with you? If you are not a close family you may see this as petty. But some family are close and do spend time together beyond once or twice a year.

diddl · 11/06/2018 10:51

"I don't understand what that means."

It means why can't they just believe Op, send regards & wishes that her husband is feeling better soon?

"seems to not want to spend any time with you? "

Again-do they not then believe the Op that last time he had to work & this time he is ill?

thecatsthecats · 11/06/2018 10:56

crunchy - my MIL is always a little surprised every year that I might have plans with my own parents on Mother's/Father's Day! Or have plans with friends around Christmas. So of the four/five family get togethers they have with HER cousins (so not even centered around my direct in laws), I often miss three, sometimes three in a row.

I actually really like hanging out with my fiance's direct family, and his grandparents and uncle and aunts. I'm bored bloody stiff of the family ones, where everyone is very busy to comment if I'm not there, but if I am, they can't remember a single thing about me to talk about (unless they want a favour).

If someone doesn't want to hang out with you, don't get offended - wonder WHY!? Either they don't like you, you don't like them, or both. Either fix it, or get over it, because life's too short to fret about it otherwise.

crunchymint · 11/06/2018 11:03

Sure people can decide if they hang out with family or not. I personally choose to hang out with friends over family. But most people don't like it if they think you don't like them.

thecatsthecats · 11/06/2018 11:29

crunchy - sure - I'm just suggesting that if someone doesn't like hanging out with a group, it's not automatically the fault of the individual.

I wouldn't expect anyone to have warm fuzzy feelings about me if all I did was see them once every two months, make a generic comment about the weather, ask them what it was they did again (because I've forgotten), pointed them in the direction of the cheese dip and then went off to have an in depth personal conversation with my cousin. I wouldn't be remotely offended if such a person didn't show to an event of mine.

The distinction between friends and family is only important when your family aren't friends . To my MIL, these are beloved people she's known since childhood. To me, they're people who can't summon more than five minutes interest in me. I don't mind, I'm just happy not to show!

diddl · 11/06/2018 11:29

" I would wonder if he did not like us and was deliberately avoiding us. Surely most people would?"

No-unless I knew that they didn't like me/there had been an upset between us.

Why think like that?

It's what causes situation's like the Op's-her husband being badouthed for no reason-therefore putting her off her own family!

pigmcpigface · 11/06/2018 11:31

"Either they don't like you, you don't like them, or both. Either fix it, or get over it"

This.

The idea that you are owed attendance simply because someone is family is crackers. Attendance is always voluntary and someone does not have to put up with you and your behaviour simply because they are family!

midsummabreak · 11/06/2018 11:44

Agree with PigMcPig & others
You and Dh dont owe them regular attendance at their family catch ups, unless you are all happy enough and feel equally comfortable.

This is why my very wise 12 year old daughter with 3 older brothers, put the well known sign on her door
"Friends welcome.
Family by appointment only"

Let them know you heard if you want
Whatever you decide to do, they were in the wrong and I dont blame you for feeling surprised and upset by their silly remarks

midsummabreak · 11/06/2018 11:47

and i am sure Op will 'get over it', in her own time.

Clutterbugsmum · 11/06/2018 11:58

I'd be inclined to text them both.

'Sorry DH was not at the get together yesterday, he was and is in bed with the 'flu. But unfortunately I heard what you both were saying about him, mum you know you bought us up, telling us not to say anything if you had nothing nice too say. Sadly neither of you seem to be able to do this and until you can both apologise for your nasty words to me then we are not available to come too your get together's.'

And leave it at that. Let them come to you, do not back down.

crispysausagerolls · 11/06/2018 14:30

Clutterbugsmum

Agreed - I would send something similar.

Lethaldrizzle · 11/06/2018 14:36

There are members of our family that we rarely see because they don't like family events which I think is sad

Usernameunknown2 · 11/06/2018 14:41

I think the missing 3 get togethers would depend on the family meet up you have. Dh family plan in advance so plenty of time to sort things and we dont meet as often so its bigger and more formal0. My family meet very frequently and often not even a weeks notice as its a more anyone who can make it thing.

Missing 3, even 6 wouldnt be a deal at all for my family. Bigger for his since it is all planned in advance. Although in fairness his family are pretty anti illness so he and shingled uncle would be happily not received.

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