Overheard family saying horrible stuff about DH?

[RhinoGirl]

Hi all,
Earlier today I overheard two close family members saying some pretty nasty things about DH. He’s come down with a nasty bug and hasn’t left bed all day. Been at a family do, and he couldn’t come pick me and DD up, so we got a taxi home. While i’m gathering my babys things up, through a window I heard my sister and mother pretty much slagging him off for not going (he’s missed the last two family gatherings, one due to work and this one due to illness).
AIBU to be angry? I didn’t say bye as I was leaving as I was close to tears. Probably should of done but i’m furious they have A) said what they said and B) i’m a grown woman and managed to get around fine when i was on mat leave.

I don’t know whether to say something or just leave it and privately seethe?

Two choices - LTB or go NC with your family!

It always surprises me how upset/angry I get when people criticise my dh. I suppose it’s because I love him so much and what a lovely person he is. (Mental note to never criticise dd’s partner)

Our whole nuclear family had a lovely few days vomiting because a family member was brought to a big extended family meet up despite feeling ill. We all paid the price for that family not missing out. Dh in particular was extremely unimpressed.

In the past when we thought our dd might have a bug we immediately said we wouldn't come and the rest thought we were overreacting

From what I read on MN most people need to spend less time with their relations and not get so involved. My parents were perfectly nice but are no longer with us, there is plenty of life to be lived away from moaning people.

You said about him being a pussy, did they actually use that word? Because that would really annoy me. If you uncle wants to martyr himself that's up to him, i hope he kept the rash covered.

Only you know the tone OP, was it very nasty or was it mildly annoyed. I would say something because i would want dh to on the other foot but i wouldnt dwell on it.

I wouldn't go to a thing of my own family if I felt ill/cba, let alone ILs!

"my uncle turned up today... who has shingles"-bully for him!

Entirely his choice!

Your mum and sister sound a bit thick if they think your ill husband should have come to a family do when he is feeling very ill.

But I don't think saying that he should have come to a party is "slagging him off".

I agree with a PP, when you see them again mention how very ill he was and how glad you are he didn't go. If you are up to it, you could innocently ask - do you think he should have gone? And see what they say. Could be amusing.

Morning everyone. Yes the word used was ‘pussy’. Which is the part I objected to the most. Bless DH when he woke up this morning he said ‘did anyone say anything about why I wasn’t there’. Swift change of subject!

See that would piss me off even more. What a nasty word for someone being considerate and keeping the flu away from others, but also resting so he can get better quicker. Some people are so stupid it hurts to think about it.

I don't get why you are so upset about him being called a pussy. It's hardly a big insult. Even if they do think he should have come and collected you, it's not terrible for them to say so to each other. They may be right, or maybe they're not, maybe he really was that ill, it doesn't matter, it's just their opinion ..
But the fact that he asked if anyone said anything suggests that he maybe he thinks he was exaggerating how ill he was.
But this is such a tiny thing, if you don't feel put out by him not collecting you then put it behind you.

It is terrible to bitch about someone who is ill. Are they seriously too thick to not realise that spreading whatever he has is not beneficial in any way? The op is capable of getting into a taxi.

He asked because that’s what my family are like. If a family member doesn’t turn up, the partner of said family member is questioned by everyone until you have repeated yourself 50 million times.
I do understand why it doesn’t seem like a huge insult to some people, in the grand scheme of things it probably isn’t. But my back went up because I personally didn’t find it very nice and it was unexpected from the two people it came from, is probably the main reason I was annoyed and upset.

So your husband was ill and couldn't attend a family function so they spoke ill of him. It sounds like deep down they don't like him. I would suggest that he no longer goes to family events, and that whilst civil you move away all your links to friend members. You no longer need to go to family reunions, get togethers, give them someone else to bitch about.

Families are codswallop. No really. Family is best, blood thicker than water, crap.

Also, there were other young children there, my elderly nan and said uncle with shingles who is immuno compromised ( I think that’s the term?) I think he did everyone a favour, another reason for my annoyance.

Call you sister/mum out on this crap. In front of people if you want. Watch her squirm. Sorry, your tribe don't like you, they are jealous or hateful. This is family. Too long breeds contempt.

@mummyyessy

This would upset me. And actually I think it's really divisive of your family. I'd make it really clear it was out of order. Nip it in the bud pronto.

This type of thing would be absolutely standard in my family, and in a lot of others, I'm sure. Behind backs and to faces. To me, that's how boundaries are laid and maintained. My ILs never said anything straight out, it was all manipulation and maneouvering.

Now you know that everyone thinks your DH would deliberately avoid a family do, so rather than going off in a huff just make sure he turns up to the next one.

Bitching about someone behind their back is mean, but most of us do it at one time or another, especially when drink has been taken. Yanbu in being upset, but I would try to forget about it in your shoes.

I think this sounds like a very claustrophobic family culture - you are given the Spanish Inquisition if you can't come to a particular gathering? They need to jog on with this sense of obligation they are building. Family social events are not 'must go' - people are allowed to have other priorities.

If I were you, I would start missing the odd one or two here and there, and just being casual about it.

My family would be like this (especially my sister who is, shall we say, forthright), but if we'd heard it there probably would've been a shout of, "you know I can hear you!" through the window 

I know there's some facets of DH's personality they aren't keen on and there's probably been occasions where his less desirable attributes have been discussed. But for the most part they like him and we rub along quite well. I'd rather they had a chance to froth amongst themselves and it be forgotten about rather than them seethe over something. I don't think this is abnormal behaviour- you only need to look at posts on here about family interactions to see that it's pretty standard to talk about one another.

If this is the third event in a row he's missed and he's previously had good "attendance" I can see that they might be wondering if you're making excuses for him. They might feel a bit rejected or worried they've done something and that can be hurtful. I agree with a PP that you should both start missing these events on occasion as your DC get older it's not always going to suit you having regular family get togethers.

This is why I'm careful with the number of DFiance's family events that I swerve!

(FWIW, his mum has a track record of pushing out her own husband's family - she doesn't want them invited to our wedding! - in favour of her own extended family events. They are, without exception, boring as hell, and usually a waste of a lovely day if you aren't part of the old network of cousins. So I skip a couple a year, as does my partner. Thankfully he is the one who warned me about how his mum is, so there's no risk of my family getting pushed!)

If I were you, I would start missing the odd one or two here and there, and just being casual about it.

Then they'll start saying that your DH is isolating you from friends and family 🤣

Much better to have it out with them. After all, he has missed three get-togethers in a row, of course they're feeling a bit miffed and are wondering why you're struggling (in their eyes) to manage the baby on your own.

Don't be a drama queen about it, people complain about family members all the time, it's not the end of the world. Sounds like your DH is over-working though if he keeps missing things because of work or illness.

It does sound a bit off I agree. Is there more to this OP?

It must be very disappointing to hear this. I realised this was my family when I used to hear my mum slagging me off to my brother and sister downstairs when I was upstairs in my room as a child. Of course, she's slagged all off us to the other ones at other times. She is a real divide-and-conquer type!

It does seem to be the norm though in most families.

Your family also sound quite bullying about people attending their events.

If I were your family, I would have taken your reason at face value. If I was truly concerned, I would ask you alone if everything was okay between you and DH.

*of us, ffs

" just make sure he turns up to the next one."

I'd be making sure that we now missed as many as possible!

Couldn't be doing with people who think it's such a big deal that soeone wasn't there.

The "messenger" is "covering" for them, the reason is wrong-who wants to be involved in such petty shit?