To think there might be a time limit to pop the question

[Idontknowwhoisright]

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 yrs. I'm in my mid 20s he is early 30s.
All of his friends are married, been to at least 5-6 weddings with him which is fine although I m not the biggest fan of weddings.
I love the idea of the commitment but I don't get the fuss about the dress and the cake etc. I also don't have many friends at all and currently I'm not speaking to my sister or my parents (their choice )and I don't think I could have a wedding like this.

Anyhow it's not an issue as my boyfriend hasn't proposed. Don't know if he ever will and that's fine I think but I read this article that to have a successful the engagement should happen 2 -21/2 years after first going out.

I sound so stupid don't I

I think you're right in a way, but nowadays most people just talk about it rather than wait for a big proposal. Has he ever discussed marriage or a family?

It sounds like a wedding abroad might be the best choice for you and no, you don't have to tell your parents. If they choose not to speak to you, you're not obliged to tell them anything.

Why are you being so passive? It’s 2018. Ask him if you want to marry him. No cake, dress, rings necessary. We got married in jeans with two witnesses.

No we haven't really talked. I'm scared to bring this up😳 Also we had huge ups and downs like I mean extreme up -very happy and down - almost broken up. I love him tho and over the years we both worked hard and didn't give up on each other which I think is very special in our relationship

Most of my married friends were together for 5+ years before they got engaged (including us).

I don't actually want to get married right now, maybe in a year/2 years time... I want to focus on work right now and perhaps try to work on my friendships/ family issues.

And I know it's 2018 but there is no way I'd ask him to marry me. Nope sorry he's got to be the man sorry

I don’t understand the timeframe around the article you read. Why 2-2.5 years? I was with my husband for 6 years before we got engaged, we met in our early 20’s. It wa right for us, we have been together 15 years now and still going strong.

Don't even consider marriage to someone you're scared to discuss things with.

That would be crazy, wouldn't it?

It’s ridiculous to think time of engagement has an impact on success of the relationship. In my experience it’s just a roadmap people follow.

One year: move in together (or skip this step)
Two years: propose
Three years: get married
Four/five years: first home/baby

It’s just the standard and personally I’d prefer someone who makes decisions based on what is best rather than just going along the standard relationship path. It’s different for everyone but I wouldn’t feel comfortable committing my life to someone and worse still actually having children with them after just a few years.

Maybe I’m not the best for advice though as we waited 15 years to have our first baby, and we still don’t plan to get married after 20 years.

I realise it’s different in the UK though and marriage also offers financial protection you wouldn’t otherwise have which may be good before having children. I think you should just propose.

You are young. Don't marry someone now. Don't be in a hurry. Theres more to life than marriage and babies for sure.

he's got to be the man

Oh right, well your sexist attitude is going to set you up for all kinds of trouble in the future. Enjoy doing all the housework and childcare while he’s at the pub with his mates. It’s what “men” do, right?

That timescale sounds quite arbitrary. Each relationship is different - there is no formula for a successful marriage.

As a general thing, I think too much store is set on 'the proposal' - with an expectation that this should be an event, preferably with some theatricality. My recommendation would be to have a discussion about marriage with him - not a 'proposal' but an exercise in finding out his views.

The most romantic proposal in the world means nothing in the long term. Your partner abseiling down Mount Everest while you hover nearby in a helicopter with your finger outstretched for him to risk his life by sliding on a diamond ring is no guarantee of a happy marriage.

My dad stop talking to me after I repeated didn't' tell him about things like if I was hurt. My mom says I need to talk to him but I don't know what to say what do I do.

From experience I agree with the article.
I've had many friends have long term relationships, break up and marry someone else with in 2 years of meeting.

If he hasn't asked now I doubt he will especially as youvhavent event discussed it.

Hello @brownrobert290. I think you would be better off starting your own thread, as people on this thread are talking about the problem in the first post. If you go to the relationships topic:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships

• then select the option to 'start a new thread in this topic' you can re-post your problem, and hopefully get some advice.

If your scared to bring this up with your other half your not ready to marry each other.

If you’re not mature enough to even discuss the future and potential steps you might take together eg marriage, then you’re not mature enough for a serious relationship.

Extremes and nearly splitting up emphasise the above.

Oh, and I’ll wake DH up now and berate him for not “being a man” as when we decided to get married we did it together with no one strewing rose petals or getting down on one knee. You know, like mature, equal, serious, committed, loving adults who want to spend our lives together. It was actually pretty romantic, despite no schmaltzy gesture.

He’s a man, I’m a woman, we’re able to discuss anything and everything together without being scared and are now very happily married.

You've been together 3.5 years and already have had 'huge downs' and nearly broken up, plus you're scared to discuss your future with him.

Sorry but I don't think your relationship sounds 'special' because you've stayed together.

Going through a bad patch after ten years and working through it is normal. Multiple bad patches already at 3 years doesn't bode well.

If you aren’t able to discuss your future with him how can you discuss things like finances, mortgages, kids, etc? You need to put on your big girl pants and be able to talk about this with him, if you’re really unable to even have the chat then you’re probably not ready for such a commitment.

I don't want to be married for another 1-2-3 years. I'm just not quite there yet emotionally and not because I don't love him or because we had our downs. Are you guys saying that your relationships have never had downs?!

And for the proposal I'd never expect any fuss, I hate fussing and I know him well to not to think it'd be romantic so why would I expect petals etc?! I am just old fashioned in this case and I'd like him to propose when it's time but it doesn't really matter how.

I'm just feeling the pressure, everyone is getting married and I wonder if we should be thinking about that?

Big question is here how to bring up the marriage thing? Just to talk about it? I haven't dared as loads of his friends got pushed into marriages. They got to ultimatum from their girlfriends and they just proposed.

“Do you think you ever want to get married?”

No one pushed his friends into marriage. That’s just silly. If they hadn’t wanted to get married they’d have said so when faced with a marry me or leave me scenario.

I’m intrigued by why you think he’d propose if he doesn’t even know whether or not you’re interested in marriage. How awkward would that be?!

When I was in my early twenties I was in an awful relationship which was very dramatic. It was fucking exhausting and I realised that I couldn’t live like that long term. Massive peaks and troughs at this point don’t bode well for the future. Being in love and in a relationship shouldn’t be hard work. You need to keep cherishing it but you shouldn’t have to keep fighting for it.

When things have been difficult, is it the same issue/argument each time or a range of different things? I think that makes a difference. Life will always throw you curve balls but your relationship should be an anchor, something constant and grounding that makes the rest of it easier. You should be on the same team, able to talk about everything, to support each other whatever else is going on.

I think you can be pushed into marriages, believe me. I'm not going to get into details but getting accidentally pregnant etc done the trick for some.

We are actually in a very good place right now. Previously when we argued was mostly different stuff, some smaller some bigger and also my family issues have caused some problems.

Good point there about why thinking of proposing if we haven't even talked about marriage. I will try to talk to him !

You haven’t been together very long to have had such massive lows as to almost break up.

You don’t sound suited, you’ll be crying on here in a few years.

@FissionChips why do you think you have the right to say this?! You don't know us. You only know details from this thread.

And yet a quick glance at the relationship board on here shows you how many women nearly guaranteed they’d never “get a proposal” once they got pregnant as if a man doesn’t want to get married there’s nothing you can do to make him. But I don’t know your partner’s friends

Weddings are everywhere all the time, on tv, online, you’ve been going to a bunch of them!

“What a lovely service, I’d like to get married but don’t fancy all the fuss, what kind of wedding would you like?”

“I can’t stand that sort of dress [point at tv] if I was getting married I can see myself barefoot on a beach in something comfortable”

“Want a cuppa? I was thinking about what I want to do in my life over the next few years. I’m not in a hurry but I definitely want to get married. What do you want life to look like?”

“I really love you, you’re exactly the sort of man I want to marry...”

I don’t know, but one of the above might work!