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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think there might be a time limit to pop the question

91 replies

Idontknowwhoisright · 10/06/2018 00:06

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 yrs. I'm in my mid 20s he is early 30s.
All of his friends are married, been to at least 5-6 weddings with him which is fine although I m not the biggest fan of weddings.
I love the idea of the commitment but I don't get the fuss about the dress and the cake etc. I also don't have many friends at all and currently I'm not speaking to my sister or my parents (their choice )and I don't think I could have a wedding like this.

Anyhow it's not an issue as my boyfriend hasn't proposed. Don't know if he ever will and that's fine I think but I read this article that to have a successful the engagement should happen 2 -21/2 years after first going out.

I sound so stupid don't I

OP posts:

Marmite27 · 10/06/2018 15:37

It was 7 years before DH proposed. We got married on our 10th anniversary.

OlennasWimple · 10/06/2018 15:43

The only argument DH and I have had where it's got close to even thinking about splitting up came after we had been married for a number of years... If we had had those sorts of arguments after being together a couple of years, I would never have married him. Who wants to be married to someone who puts you through those sorts of arguments, even if there are also incredible highs??

Merrz · 10/06/2018 15:54

I think you should try not to worry about timescale / what others are doing. I was with DH 4 years when we got engaged then married 2 1/2 years later. Like you I wouldn't of liked to ask him either and dh did propose but we spoke about it a lot before so really I knew it was coming but just didn't know when. If you're struggling to know how to bring it up, try to just casually drop it into conversation like if you are speaking about someone else's wedding say "do you think we'll ever get married" or "would you like a wedding like that?" I definitley think in this day and age most couples discuss this sort of thing and it's not just an out the blue proposal like how it would of been years ago.

LeighaJ · 10/06/2018 15:59

I'd be more concerned that you feel too scared to even broach the subject of marriage when you've been dating for 3.5 years and that he's never brought it up either.

You don't need 2 or 3.5 years to know whether or not you want to marry someone, I think most people have some inkling of it soon after meeting their SO.

GooodMythicalMorning · 10/06/2018 16:04

Bil and dsis were together 13 years before he proposed.

Clionba · 10/06/2018 16:18

I don't understand why it's up to the man to propose. If you want to get married, why not propose to him? Or at least just have that conversation? Bewildered.

maxthemartian · 10/06/2018 16:25

I don't think that you sound ready to be married or engaged yet. I mean this kindly.
I have had downs in a relationship. Those relationships didn't last. Now with DH and no serious downs and we're a decade in.

fivehundredguys · 10/06/2018 16:49

Took 5 years for us to get married. No traditional engagement, he didn't really ask and neither did I. Got married 3 months later. Small, no cake, dancing, or froufrou dress.

Don't read into articles like that, it's ridiculous to think that we all need to do the same thing.

Whatzat298 · 10/06/2018 16:59

You don't need 2 or 3.5 years to know whether or not you want to marry someone, I think most people have some inkling of it soon after meeting their SO.

Some do, some take their time. Everyone is different. We got married after living together for 14 years, and have now been happily married 3 years. We didn't want to get married until we knew it wouldn't make any difference to our relationship and would just be a nice party and a confirmation of what was already there. And that's what worked for us.

Brunsdon1 · 10/06/2018 17:06

OP I would say try not to listen to people automatically assume the relationship is wrong,they can't possibly know

My exdh it was all very romantic moved in three months in engaged 6 months in and ok granted it didn't work but we had ten years and two children and I don't regret a second of it,there's no way really of being 100% sure....i would have said we didn't have huge low times and everything ticked along...until it didn't

My DP now...a different story we've been together nearly two years and there have been some insanely tough environmentally caused times where we considered splitting and there have been some amazing times. My DP has repeatedly been clear he is in it for the long haul, and often says "time will tell.. when I'm here in 25 years maybe you'll get it"

We've discussed marriage but it's not right for us currently and my divorce isn't final

So yes discuss it I think that's important ,see how each other feel,originally my DP knew that I wasn't sure I ever wanted to remarry and now he knows I do one day

I know it's important to him to marry one day

We know the legal in a and outs and I'm hardly a spring chicken and as have been married before I can make an educated choice

Do whats rights for you but do talk about it with him. Noone can tell you it's doomed nor can they guarantee you it will work ,it's a gamble but worth it

gamerwidow · 10/06/2018 17:08

I’ve been living with DH for 20 years but only married for 10 years. We didn’t even get engaged until after 9 years of living together. It’s was after seeing other people get married we thought we probably should. It was a very small wedding though only parents and siblings at a registry office then a meal. There’s no timetable you have to follow just do what feels right.

Lifebeginner · 10/06/2018 17:09

I don't think there's anything wrong with being together for a long time and getting married or not getting married at all - marriage means different things to different people. But it is important to talk through plans for the future including marriage and be open about your expectations for when you would like it to happen so that both people are on the same page, and that if you're not then you have the opportunity to consider your options.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 10/06/2018 17:15

Two years of dating is barely anything, there's no way I'd get engaged to someone after such a short period of time. No wonder the divorce rate is so high of couples get married barely knowing each other or how the relationship fares when it hits a bump etc.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 11/06/2018 01:00

You don't need 2 or 3.5 years to know whether or not you want to marry someone, I think most people have some inkling of it soon after meeting their SO.

You can have an inkling but until you’ve been through some really hard times together you can’t know how that person will react in a tough situation. You don’t want to commit your life to someone who will crumble/expect you to do it all/take over.

You need to wait for the limerence to wear off too. Things that seem charming in the early days might not seem so sweet after 30 years.

And if you don’t live together first you’re asking for trouble. You won’t know if he cuts his toenails in bed or wipes snot on the bookshelf or whatever until you live together. Or just how he goes about paying bills and keeping on top of washing. All important stuff you can’t know after a two week romance.

beetfarmer · 11/06/2018 05:37

No one gets pushed into marriage and women can't accidentally get pregnant. If the guy was so worried about pregnancy he should've put a condom on or you know, not had sex.
But hey, your boyfriend has you too scared to talk to him about marriage, so his bitching about his friends marriages and pregnancies being 'forced' worked on you.

And no, staying together after huge ups and downs doesn't make your relationship special.

KinCat · 11/06/2018 06:20

I don't think there's a time limit - it'll be different for everyone.

I knew I wanted to marry DH pretty much as soon as I met him but it took him a lot longer to reach the same conclusion.

I'd always been honest with him about my feelings and the fact I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I don't think there's any point hiding your feelings with something like this because if neither of you mention it then both of you will think the other doesn't want to marry.

As I've grown to know DH well I know that he is very afraid of rushing into decisions and worrys about making the wrong choice so his need for a long time before getting engaged makes sense. On the other hand I make decisions very quickly and deal with the consequences later hence why I'd have married him after six months together. Neither approach is necessarily right, just different. We eventually got engaged after six years together and married a few months after that. I knew we were a good match and was happy to wait around for him to reach the same conclusion.

buttfacedmiscreant · 11/06/2018 06:39

nah, DH and I were together ??7?? years before we got married and have been married more than 20 years now.

Rockandrollwithit · 11/06/2018 06:41

DH and I got engaged 7 years after starting dating and married after 8.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 11/06/2018 06:53

@FissionChips why do you think you have the right to say this?! You don't know us. You only know details from this thread.

Op YABU to post in AIBU and not expect advice based on what you tell everyone. You sound like you don’t know what you want. If he wants to marry you, you’ll know about it.

mindutopia · 11/06/2018 07:13

If you aren’t yet at the point in your relationship to talk about the future and you’ve had lots of ups and downs, then it sounds like you just aren’t ready yet.

As for the article, my dh and I got engaged when we’d been together 2.5 years and married 6 months later. In our circle of friends that would be quite soon. Most I would say have been together from early 20s and got married around 30, so more like 5-10 years. The only reason it was so quick for us (not that we didn’t want to get married! We’d been talking about marriage since about 6 months after we started dating) was because we needed to be married for me to get a visa. We had to live apart (opposite sides of the world) for 2 years and getting married meant we could be together in the same country with less hassle, so that’s what we did. But 2.5 years was quite quick and definitely wouldn’t be the norm among our friends.

thecatsthecats · 11/06/2018 08:40

You do know that you can have a conversation with him even if you don't know what you want? That you can DISCUSS the fact that you don't know what you want?

Except OP just wants him to be the man and give her a starry-eyed proposal at the right time with his left hand whilst doing the dishes with the other.

Timeisslippingaway · 11/06/2018 08:51

FissionChips,
Don't be so ridiculous. How would you know what has happened in OP relationship. What a stupid thing to say.

I was desperate to get engaged. We did about 4 years ago. I still haven't made any wedding plans 😂. I'm not sure the big fancy do is for me, partner thinks family will be offended if we don't. I don't really care what extended family think 😂. I'm in no rush to actually get married though. We are completely committed to each other so I dont think a marriage certificate would make any difference now.

FissionChips · 11/06/2018 08:57

How would you know what has happened in OP relationship. What a stupid thing to say

Well, do you think that almost breaking up several times in such a short space of time is the sign of a healthy relationship? Or that not being able to even talk about marriage is a good thing?

SuperSuperSuper · 11/06/2018 09:00

Don't worry about daft magazine articles.

Do have a grownup chat with him about whether he sees marriage in his future, maybe next time there's a wedding on tv or a celeb engagement announcemnt in the papers or you're walking past a bridal shop - anything like that can kick off a conversation naturally.

KinCat · 11/06/2018 09:01

Timeis you're not really engaged if you have no plans to be married though surely?

I didn't think getting married would make that much difference either but I love that my partner is now my husband (plus if either of us dies inheritance is much simpler). Also the wedding was a great day/party!

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