To think there might be a time limit to pop the question

[Idontknowwhoisright]

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 yrs. I'm in my mid 20s he is early 30s.
All of his friends are married, been to at least 5-6 weddings with him which is fine although I m not the biggest fan of weddings.
I love the idea of the commitment but I don't get the fuss about the dress and the cake etc. I also don't have many friends at all and currently I'm not speaking to my sister or my parents (their choice )and I don't think I could have a wedding like this.

Anyhow it's not an issue as my boyfriend hasn't proposed. Don't know if he ever will and that's fine I think but I read this article that to have a successful the engagement should happen 2 -21/2 years after first going out.

I sound so stupid don't I

You sound rather defensive and quite lost with it all.

If you are scared to broach the subject after 3.5 years then you're already on the road to walking on egg shells and appeasing him so that he doesn't break-up with you.

This notion that women need to wait around for a 'big' proposal and being swept off their feet by their prince charming is thankfully dying a rather horrid death. Adults in relationships need to have critical discussions about fundamental issues in a no-holds-bar manner to gauge whether or not they are on the same page. Anything less than that is a recipe for disaster.

Don't start threads then act outraged when people proffer their opinion. That is not how discussion boards work. I'm sure Fission couldn't give two hoots about what goes on in your relationship but s/he is just joining in an online discussion that you have started.

I m not the biggest fan of weddings [...] I don't get the fuss about the dress and the cake etc.

If you've communicated this, even in broad terms (i.e. not specific to yourself, or to you and him) he may not have raised it because he thinks you're not bothered about marriage, don't see the point, and are just happy being together. Which, at the moment, it sounds like you are.

My advice would be to live in the moment a little more (without becoming a total goldfish, of course) and think about what you might want in two years, in two years. Because then you'll know if you want it or not.

I don't think this man is all that important. I think you should seriously look into some sort of self-help or counselling, because you need a big boost to your self esteem. It doesn't matter which, if any, of your friends are getting married (at least a third of them will be divorced within 5 years, statistically). It certainly doesn't matter what some shitty magazine article says (it will have been cobbled together in 20 minutes by a hungover sub editor who is probably a middle-aged man, following the standard editorial policy of 'Make women feel insecure so we can sell them shit).

There is much more to life than marriage. What line of work are you in - is it what you wanted?Is there a job you are working towards? Would you like to travel?

Marrying young is almost always a disaster, especially for women, because it's generally the case that marriage stops your life cold and you become an accessory to a man's life.

DH and i had an adult discussion about the future. We were engaged before we bought the ring, together. No flashmob, no down on one knee, no string quartet.

We met at age 23/25, married 12 years after our first date, had been living together about 7/8 years. Now married 8 years with 6.5yo child. We'll be celebrating 20 years of our first kiss in November.

We have never argued enough to be close to breaking up in all our 20 years, not once.

We didn't have a big wedding, it was very low key. We'd been to 5 weddings together in the 12 years before ours, but never got the 'omg the clock is ticking' urge. We have always been open with each other and discussed things: marriage, children, careers, which country to live in (we are a bit flighty and have multiple passports each!), buying/renting, state/private for dc, dog/cat/neither/both... The list is endless, and all discussed as equal adults.

Your arguments with your partner, only you know the background to these and if you can get through each one. The not being able to discuss something so life-changing - that's a big red flag.

KinCat
Think the ring on my finger proves we are 😂. The fact we have no plans to get married yet, doesn't mean we never will.

FissionChips
Where does it say several times? OP says, "almost broken up" that sounds like it was maybe once.
As usual someone exaggerates on MN.

Honestly thanks for everyone who took the time to share their opinion.

Just to clarify @VladmirsPoutine I didn't outrage when people shared their opinion but I really don't know where I asked if they think my relationship is working or if we should break up or if we have a future. I haven't been on mumsnet for long and usually just looking at the theads in the 'property' section but kind of regretting to start this thread as I feel like some people just here to spread their bitterness. I did genuinely want to know what people think of chatting about marriage in a relationship and yes it's topic I haven't discussed with my partner and probably the article triggered the fact that I should. I enjoyed reading the posts of how some of you been going out/ got engaged and married but I don't like how stuff such as how my boyfriend is trying to use his friends marriage examples to avoid getting married to me and how my self esteem is or that your relationship is doomed blablabla .

Conclusion is that I first of all will have a think what I would like to happen. If I'm even ready for marriage or ever want to get married- I really don't know... and then talk to my partner so thanks for the people who have made me realise this is what I should do.

And really feel sorry for the ones here who think sharing their opinion in an unkind way is the way to be heard. I honestly respect everyone's opinion but i feel for the people who can't share theirs without being negative for whatever reason.

I can well believe you don't like the stuff about how your boyfriend is trying to use the comments about his friends being forced into marriage to deter you from mentioning it OP, but in a few days time when the thread has died down, do have a think about whether there might be anything to that. It's a common enough tactic, you see. You wouldn't be the first poster MN has heard that from.

Yeah but that's the thing @PrincessCuntsuelaVaginalHammock he does not do that! Where did you get that from?! Where did I say that? He does have an opinion about some of his friends marriages and he does think that some of them were pushed into marriages but he doesn't use these as bad examples.

The fact that I mentioned what I think does not mean that he's using these as an excuse. Never ever said 'I don't want to marry you because xz done this and that to my friend' Please I'm dying to know wher you got the idea from that he's doing that.

Name change fail, OP?

Is that you OP?

If MayRose7 is you op then you really should think twice about this relationship.

Yeah, if a guy won’t even let you look at his phone he’s really not marriage material.

Oh dear! Your name change fail, and Advanced Search, clearly suggest that you should be thinking very hard before you consider marrying this man.

If you've read Relationships enough surely you will have realised that?

And I think it's very rude of you to dismiss views you don't like a 'spreading bitterness'. Nobody here had to give up their time for you. They did it because they thought it might help, and they're giving you a different perspective on your question/situation problem

Wot @AnneLovesGilbert says

Plus, the other important questions, such as attitude to finances, hie much of your income you save, how you pay for things and holidays, (savings v credit), where you see your role/career, when you would like to retire, what to do in retirement, how you might share the financial burden if you ever had children, joint versus separate finances, how you even out different income levels, parenting styles, attitude to children's education and extra curricular activities, what kind of holidays you enjoy

You do not need to be identical in all or even any of these kinds of questions but you do I think need to know where and how you differ, be able to talk about your differences and where you need to agree and where you can agreed to disagree.

I cannot imagine considering marrying anyone where I did not know the answers to these kinds of questions. When I was looking for a partner I considered these questions once that I needed to explore with any potential partner. So much more useful than watching movies together, though movies can be a way in to these questions. They had a fabulous xxx, would you ever consider buying such a car. What would you sacrifice in order to fund it. Would you rather have a big house or lots of lively holidays.

What else is there to talk about? Certainly beats we have known each other for x years its time to get married. Sigh.

We moved in together after a year, got engaged after two, married at three and a half. We were both just about to turn 26 when we got married (now 28).

However I know people who were married a year after meeting and people who were together 20 years before they got engaged. There's no timeline on it.