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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shamed by ‘Mum friend’ for working

78 replies

Mrsmurphy86 · 09/06/2018 22:53

Hi, it’s my first time posting but feel so upset/outraged/angry by comments made today by a ‘friend’ I met at playgroup.

So the background is I’ve recently returned to work after having my first DD, I’ve been working 2 days per week and have just increased to 4 days.

I have been attending a local playgroup for the last year and not met any Mum friends until recently which I was really happy about.

My new friend H has a very different living situation to me, she is a single first time Mum living in London alone and her family are up north, I am a Londoner with a husband and close family and friends.

I’ve enjoyed her company so far apart from a few comments about it ‘not being ok for me to go back to work, why would I have a baby if that’s what I wanted to do’!!!

This came to a head today when H said she didn’t think I should have any more children if I’m just wanting to focus on my career and not care for DD.

I’ve reduced my hours at work, my husband has DD 1 day, my sister has her 2 days per week and we are all enjoying this arrangement.

Her comments have really hurt me as I thought it’s because we are very different, I’ve never judged her lifestyle but can’t help but feel attacked and judged by her comments... AIBU?

OP posts:
Fuckballoons · 09/06/2018 22:54

Ask her if she's intending to pay your rent/mortgage then

thismeansnothing · 09/06/2018 22:54

Nope not being unreasonable at all.....and she isn't a friend either with comments like that.

marjorie25 · 09/06/2018 22:56

You should tell her that it none of her business what you do and if she feels threatened by you working, that's on her.
Also tell her if she keeps bringing it up, then there is no need to continue the friendship.

Ethylred · 09/06/2018 23:05

Two words, seven letters, three of them f's.

cadburyegg · 09/06/2018 23:08

YANBU I met a mum at my DS's friend's birthday party earlier this year who scrunched her face up when I told her I worked... as if it's unusual these days Hmm She is a rude CF if she thinks you should limit the size of your family because you have a job.

BeeFarseer · 09/06/2018 23:08

She's not your friend. You've made a connection based on having children at the same time, that's all. Friends don't judge each other like that.

manicinsomniac · 09/06/2018 23:09

YANBU, that's awful of her.

I don't understand how she can afford not to work herself, anyway. I'm a single mum and had to go back to work full time when my children were 8-12 weeks old. I wouldn't have been able to keep us housed, fed etc otherwise. And I'm not even in London. She's obviously either doing very well for herself or really struggling but either way, she has no right to make you feel bad for providing for your family.

RailReplacementBusService · 09/06/2018 23:10

She’s no friend of yours.

Iloveacurry · 09/06/2018 23:10

Ask her how she intends to support her child?!

Gemini69 · 09/06/2018 23:12

tell this nosey judgmental nobody to sod off and mind her own business... and stay out of yours... Flowers

MyOtherUserNameIsAUnicorn · 09/06/2018 23:15

And really... our children will benefit from having hard working ambitious mothers as much as hers will benefit from her staying home, just in different ways. People can get so prescriptive and desperate to justify their own lifestyles that the impose them on other people. Thick skin to stupid comments and don't bother hanging out with her. She sounds vacuous.

JockTamsonsBairns · 09/06/2018 23:17

Playgroups are a hot bed of judginess on all manner of topics, so I wouldn't give it a second thought. I know it's difficult, you thought she might've been someone you could've been friends with - but, just move on. You'll find like-minded people in due course.

theymademejoin · 09/06/2018 23:17

Ah yes. The smug mummy. You will meet plenty of them. They are right. You are wrong. Their way is the only way to do things. Just accept it.

You could always tell her you think it's so important to provide a strong role model to your daughter so she doesn't think she is limited in her life choices like your "friend"'s child will be. Or you could just do the sensible thing and cut contact with her.

Failingat40 · 09/06/2018 23:17

She's a cow.

I'd have responded equally rudely that in that case I also didn't think it was a good idea for her to have any more children since she is bringing the one she already has up isolated without a father or extended family and not having a good female role model by her not working!!

She sounds jealous op. Probably wants you to chum her to pathetic baby groups all week.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/06/2018 23:25

And just how is she supporting herself and her child? I'd tell her to do one.

This WOHM/SAHM shit has been going on (both ways) as long as I can remember and my oldest is in his early 30s! It's bullshit and needs to stop.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 09/06/2018 23:29

In my experience, all the parenting choices bring out insecurities in some people - if you do things differently to them you are seen as criticising their own. (see also b/f; "real" nappies; blw etc etc but "going back to work" is the biggie).

I suspect she's feeling a. that she needs to justify her own position; b. having got friendly you are about to disappear out of her life again.

Tell her that her comments hurt. See how she responds. If you like her otherwise there might still be a friendship to salvage.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 09/06/2018 23:30

Tell her that when you want her opinions you will ask for them

bluemascara · 09/06/2018 23:33

Ah jeez... tell her to go fuck! She ain't your friend

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 09/06/2018 23:34

I heard this several times when my dc were babies. And i still do. If she's lucky enough to have a spouse or relative paying her bills then great. But i often heard it from single mum's without jobs. I was a single mum myself and had no choice but to work and ask my mum to collect dc from nursery and school. How is she managing and why is she up in your business judging you?? Get rid of her

finnmcool · 09/06/2018 23:35

Tell the dumb twat to fuck off. How is she paying her way?
I was a young, single, full time working mum, with a mortgage.
I had twats' who relied on the benefits system judging me.
Two words, Fuck Off.

UpstartCrow · 09/06/2018 23:36

You can choose to think if this as 'I was shamed by a friend for working'

Or you can choose to say 'A woman I met is a leech who is looking for a fake friend to bully.'

hopelessandhopeful · 09/06/2018 23:50

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I'd be cutting her off though tbh.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 09/06/2018 23:51

Well said finnmcool

HollowTalk · 09/06/2018 23:52

How is she supporting herself and her child?

justilou1 · 10/06/2018 01:58

Maybe she shouldn’t come to play group until she removes her judgey pants. Bloody hell!