Shamed by ‘Mum friend’ for working

[Mrsmurphy86]

Hi, it’s my first time posting but feel so upset/outraged/angry by comments made today by a ‘friend’ I met at playgroup.

So the background is I’ve recently returned to work after having my first DD, I’ve been working 2 days per week and have just increased to 4 days.

I have been attending a local playgroup for the last year and not met any Mum friends until recently which I was really happy about.

My new friend H has a very different living situation to me, she is a single first time Mum living in London alone and her family are up north, I am a Londoner with a husband and close family and friends.

I’ve enjoyed her company so far apart from a few comments about it ‘not being ok for me to go back to work, why would I have a baby if that’s what I wanted to do’!!!

This came to a head today when H said she didn’t think I should have any more children if I’m just wanting to focus on my career and not care for DD.

I’ve reduced my hours at work, my husband has DD 1 day, my sister has her 2 days per week and we are all enjoying this arrangement.

Her comments have really hurt me as I thought it’s because we are very different, I’ve never judged her lifestyle but can’t help but feel attacked and judged by her comments... AIBU?

YANBU

I’ve pretty much always done 4 days a week. I think it’s perfect for me. Your child will still be with a parent several days a week.

As others have said, how is she supporting her baby?

Don’t be upset about this.

People like you to make the same parenting choices as them because it validates their decisions.

A friend of mine criticised me for giving up work when my twins were born, while she went part time.

The same woman criticised me four years later for going back to work full time while she remained part time using arguments diametrically opposite to those she’d used previously.

It wasn’t about me, it was all about her own insecurities.

Don’t let this woman be unkind to you but don’t take it to heart. A little straight talking should put her right.

You could counter that by asking her why she's chosen to have a child that she doesn't intend to provide for.

It's none of her business and I'd frankly want to stop the friendship. How is she supporting her child?

I agree with UpstartCrow "Or you can choose to say 'A woman I met is a leech who is looking for a fake friend to bully.'"

I think it is vert important for women to earn their own money and not be totally dependent on a man.

She's not your friend.

I think she's an judgemental idiot...

Seems a classic example of grass always being greener....

Unless she has substantial private means she'll be relying on benefits.... So WE ARE ALL supporting her lifestyle choices...

Where in London, its not easy to live on one salaries let alone wanting to keep your career going for your/ your families (financial health...

She's an idiot...

I once had someone say “oh but don’t you want to spend time with [DS]” when she going out I was going to be working full time. I burst into tears. I’m not saying I’d recommend it exactly but she didn’t do it again.

My SIL had 2 sweet, shy girls. I had a very boisterous boy. According to her he was ‘like that’ because I’d gone back to work and he was seeking attention because I didn’t spend enough time with him. Rise above it OP, i think often people are trying to justify their own decisions. There’s a good chance she’s envious of your choices but is never going to admit that

Ask her if she could contribute to your bills as you've just love to put your feet up and spend your days watching peppa pig with the little one.

tell her she shouldn't have anymore friends if she plans to be so rude to them

Sounds to me as if she's trying to justify her own choices, OP. Either she's so happy with them that she can't see why they wouldn't work for someone else, or she's not convinced and is trying to convince herself.

Either way, it's about her not you, and she's not a nice person.

In my dreams, my comments would be: “Do you think I’d be better to bludge off the state?” I have no issue with non working single mums btw. But this nasty comment is on a par with hers. I wouldn’t say it of course because I don’t go around hurting people’s feelings for pleasure.

Time for this friendship to end. Do it quietly and nicely it is a small world, but she is no friend of yours.

Ergh, my DSIS says this to me all the time, ‘what’s the point of having children if you’re going to get other people to raise them’. I’d like to know who she thinks is going to pay the mortgage if I stay at home

YANBU OP, your DC have a great female role model. And the suggestion that it is some way detrimental to the child if the mother goes back to work is bollocks, frankly, perpetuated by a patriarchal society guilting women to stay ‘in their place’.

She's out of order - modern day choices are

1. Work and be a mum - self providing and giving YOU a future as well as providing for your family
2. Rely on your partners income - you end up with little prospects and if partner decides to leave you're in the shit financially
3. You have a wealthy family so no worries - unusual!
4. You rely on the state to pay for you and your child / children - pretty selfish if that was always the plan

So wonder which of the above she is - if she's 4 (likely!) then she's very selfish, irresponsible and a poor role model - particularly if she decided to have another child without being able to provide herself I think you have the upper hand here!

I will, no doubt, get flamed for this.

However, it is my own personal view that if you have children that they deserve the best start in life and that means you being there for them until they start primary school. As I said, that is my own personal view, but I would never enforce my opinion on others.

Having said that, my observations do seem to show that those children who do have a stay at home mummy do seem to be better adjusted and behaved. An exception is where childcare is provided by relatives.

Its her issues OP, i eould steer clear. I once heard someone say in the playgroup that mums who went back to work didnt rely want kids.

It was funny as she notoriously ignored her 18 month old at the group and buggered off to make calls leaving her baby looking for mum and in two cases covered in poo. Which was something one of the childminders wasnt shy to respond with. She was stunned

A true friend wouldn't question your decisions like that.

I work full time, and I've had comments like that before, mainly from people on mumsnet tbh. No one in real life has ever questioned that I would continue working,. Because they know I love my job and I'm bloody good at it.

Sometimes I do miss DS when I'm working, but I need to contribute financially as I am the main earner. We try to make up for not being around by doing fun stuff at the weekends.

Cut ties with her, she's not worth your time!

However, it is my own personal view that if you have children that they deserve the best start in life and that means you being there for them until they start primary school.

Do you think this applies to your husband?

*However, it is my own personal view that if you have children that they deserve the best start in life and that means you being there for them until they start primary school. As I said, that is my own personal view, but I would never enforce my opinion on others.

Having said that, my observations do seem to show that those children who do have a stay at home mummy do seem to be better adjusted and behaved. An exception is where childcare is provided by relatives.*

Why do you think that the government provides the free 15/30 hours of early years education? Did you see the speech from the head of Ofsted last week? Controversial but saying that kids were starting school unable to get dressed, use the toilet, recognise the alphabet etc.

Being at home is not necessarily the best start in life, and early years education exists for access to all to ensure that children get the best opportunities to move onto the next stage of their education. I’ve taught children who’ve never been looked after by anyone but their mothers and grandmothers. These children had had EVERYTHING done for them, one of them had never fed themselves! Aged 5! Now that is an extreme example, and these children were absolutely well loved and cared for. But I would struggle to see the positives of such a lack of independence when starting school.
OP-whatever you do is right for your family, you do not have to justify it to this lady. Good luck!

Regardless of what’s the best setup for he child, who would say something like this out loud?!

Round this way you get the opposite. EVERYONE goes back to work, usually pt, often ft. Anyone that doesn't seems to be setting up a business or studying or has a very specific reason (such as dc with additional needs). I have 2 DC aged 7 and 3 and know lots of other mums and can't think of anyone that does nothing except look after their kids. It's absolutely the norm and as far as I can see all these kids are happy and well adjusted.

Oh come on OP. It is blatantly clear what is happening here. She is a single mum with no support network. She probably couldn't go back to work part time like you even if she wanted to and is feeling I secure about it. Very sad that women feel the need to put other women down to make themselves feel better.

Presumably she thinks the same about your husband? Or do men work by default and women agonise?

She’s a twat!