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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Shamed by ‘Mum friend’ for working

78 replies

Mrsmurphy86 · 09/06/2018 22:53

Hi, it’s my first time posting but feel so upset/outraged/angry by comments made today by a ‘friend’ I met at playgroup.

So the background is I’ve recently returned to work after having my first DD, I’ve been working 2 days per week and have just increased to 4 days.

I have been attending a local playgroup for the last year and not met any Mum friends until recently which I was really happy about.

My new friend H has a very different living situation to me, she is a single first time Mum living in London alone and her family are up north, I am a Londoner with a husband and close family and friends.

I’ve enjoyed her company so far apart from a few comments about it ‘not being ok for me to go back to work, why would I have a baby if that’s what I wanted to do’!!!

This came to a head today when H said she didn’t think I should have any more children if I’m just wanting to focus on my career and not care for DD.

I’ve reduced my hours at work, my husband has DD 1 day, my sister has her 2 days per week and we are all enjoying this arrangement.

Her comments have really hurt me as I thought it’s because we are very different, I’ve never judged her lifestyle but can’t help but feel attacked and judged by her comments... AIBU?

OP posts:

Booie09 · 10/06/2018 08:09

Ask her if she's single and not working then who's paying for her to bring her child up?

fabulous01 · 10/06/2018 08:16

Welcome to the world of parenting and the work / stay at home mum discussions

One of my "friends" said awful things to me about going back to work so I learnt the hard way

But everyone is different: do what is right for you but it will come up often

It was interesting though at my twins third birthday party so lots of people. Only one mum didn't work ....

WhipItGood · 10/06/2018 08:17

I used to get this sometimes from a friend when I wasn’t working and was a sahm . As in haven’t you got a job yet, shouldn’t you be working etc

The comments some people think are acceptable to make are astounding. Whatever parents do, whatever choices they make, they are doing the best for their family. Everyone else can butt out. Do not give this person another thought. When you want her opinion you’ll ask for it. Families and their dynamics come in all shapes and sizes. Family life is challenging enough. Do it your way.

I stayed at home when all mine were at primary school. I simply couldn’t come up with a feasible arrangement for us that would have facilitated child care. Looking back though, I was depressed and quite isolated. I think sometimes a job can give you another dimension which can be beneficial in some circumstances. I am in awe of working parents of young dc. The juggling must be incredible. I work now mine are teenagers. Only pt, but even that and trying to be supportive to them as older children is still mind blowing.

MoonsAndJunes · 10/06/2018 08:37

I had plenty of this from a 'friend' when I had my first DC.

The woman was a SAHM and I went back to work. Countless comments about how it was wrong to leave DCs in other's care, how she couldn't have strangers bringing up her DC, how it was selfish to put money (mortgage & bills?!) over my DC's welfare and the DC would suffer.

That was until her DH left her and she had to get a job.

Fast forward many years. Her DC barely see her and she has passed them from pillar to post throughout their lives. She has now changed her stance and is so pro-working Mum - you have to teach DC a good work ethic, you have to bring DC up to be independent blah blah.

Some people spout whatever justifies their choices at the time. I'll never forgive her for putting me down in those early years though.

caithuait · 10/06/2018 08:59

Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I was incredibly proud of my working mum and I am now proud to be one too. But we don't have a choice about it. We need two salaries and I would not allow my husband to shoulder the burden alone because I don't think that's fair.

junebirthdaygirl · 10/06/2018 08:59

I don't think there is any need to be nasty to her or about her. If you are confident in your own decisions you won't give two hoots what she says. I have been a sehm mom a workibg full time mom and everything in between. I couldn't have carded less what anyone said in any of those situations. And l am not very thick skinned. I wouldn't write her off either but maybe say gently..each to their own..l' m happy enough with my choice.
Also to whoever suggested SAHM did a better job..my first ds was with me full time/ breastfed/ no creche ir minder/ etc but ended up dropping out of school for a while, getting in with the wrong crowd, getting me called up to school on a regular basis etc etc. There is no perfect way to do it as we are all doing the best we can.

mcqueencar · 10/06/2018 09:08

People like you to make the same parenting choices as them because it validates their decisions.

Spot on, hence why we have the bf vs ff, controlled crying vs attachment arguments etc. You need better friends OP, my group of mum friends are fantastic because there is no judging.

PotOfMemories · 10/06/2018 09:11

However, it is my own personal view that if you have children that they deserve the best start in life and that means you being there for them until they start primary school.

What if a mum has PND and her mental health benefits from returning to work? That benefits the child too.

I wish my lovely mum had gone back to work earlier, she'd have been much happier.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 10/06/2018 09:15

Just counter it by stating how lazy and selfish it is to have a child and then not provide financially for them. Also, that children raised on benefits have poor outcomes in life compared to those of working parents and she's obviously ok to do that to her child.

I'd be rethinking the friendship.

seven201 · 10/06/2018 09:21

She's deluded. My dd learns far more at nursery than she would with me and she has a great time. Also, we have bills to pay!

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 10/06/2018 09:33

This is why I stopped going to playgroup. I got sick of the snide comments about how much I was missing out. I live in a very poor area with a lot of families relying on benefits... it came to head when I told one of the mums that i dont judge her for having to rely on benefits so she best stop judging me for working to provide said benefits... funnily enough she left the whatsapp group after that and I just stopped replying to them all.
Everyone makes decisions that suit them, the mum in question had no family to provide childcare and no skills so would have been in minimum wage employment so I absolutely didn't blame her for not working but that didn't make her decision any better than mine.

ememem84 · 10/06/2018 09:39

Deluded.

Ds is at nursery three days. And with my parents two. I have to go back to work as we need my salary to move house.

Also I’m not ashamed to admit I would have hated being a sahm. I needed to go back to work for my own mental health.

If it works for you then it’s the right decision.

The80sweregreat · 10/06/2018 09:43

i cant believe this is still happening to working mums in 2018.

This was said to me in the 90s ( ' not committed to my child' were the words used) but i thought that these type of comments had died a death! you can either cut her off, tell her that it all works for you and to keep out of it, or just nod and smile and carry on. As long as you and your child are happy and looked after and thriving, that all that matters.
your doing what is right for you and your family, nothing at all to do with her or anyone else and their opinions on this.
So many more women work nowadays, its nothing unusual or odd.

Strongmummy · 10/06/2018 09:43

OP - she’s a judgemental arse and you do not have to justify yourself to anyone. I work full time. I felt guilty at first, but then thought fuck it. I enjoy my job and I enjoy the lifestyle it gives me and my son. I don’t feel ashamed of that. In fact, I don’t find motherhood particularly fulfilling and so it provides the mental stimulation I need. That doesn’t mean I’m not a good mother. Distance yourself.

headinhands · 10/06/2018 09:56

Friends don't criticise perfectly reasonable life choices. She's not your friend. If she's happy to criticise this she'll be knocking your confidence about other decisions and choices down the road. You don't need that.

diddlemethis · 10/06/2018 10:05

She sounds like a proper arse, don't make friends with arses.

The80sweregreat · 10/06/2018 10:11

I was knocked for working yet my inlaws were quick to judge distant family who lived on benefits! Your damned if you do and damned if you don’t whatever you do- even people that choose not to have children are knocked or judged. You will never win.

ourkidmolly · 10/06/2018 10:20

Honestly do not understand why you'd give a fuck. Most parents work as well as parent. It's hardly a radical choice?

Where2live · 10/06/2018 10:34

well, tell her to make sure she never gets divorced then.

when I was in her shoes I used to envy people I met who worked, but I didn't make digs, I told them too much how i'd been cornered out of working. Then I disappeared. Cos I'd left him.

As The80sweregreat says, the same people who'd judge you for working will judge a single lone parent for being on benefits! So it is ONLY ok to be at home with your child if you have a husband to pay for it. If the state needs to step in because MEN don't meet their responsibilities (or as is more likely, structure the family arrangements to suit themselves and to suit their own career progression) then women are blamed for that. Damned no matter what you do.

Thehogfather · 10/06/2018 10:37

Yanbu. Imo this type of comment comes from people who are a bit feeble/ lacking in grips. They couldn't cope with combining wohm with parenting, so they incorrectly assume we are all equally feeble and will have to drop the parenting ball to work. I just find them a bit pathetic, and like all weak minded people their opinions or advice on my life are irrelevant.

Naturally this doesn't apply to sahps in general, just those who think wohps are inferior parents.

Plus with most judging, whether it's sahm/wohp, younger/older parents etc it's about their insecurity with their choice. If you're confident about your decisions you don't need to criticise the different choices of others to convince yourself.

BakedBeans47 · 10/06/2018 10:54

However, it is my own personal view that if you have children that they deserve the best start in life and that means you being there for them until they start primary school.

Not much of a great start in life if you can’t afford to house, feed and clothe them is it?

Original poster

Mrsmurphy86 · 10/06/2018 22:31

She then went on to tell me that I shouldn’t have become a mother because I’m selfish and only care about money!!!

Definitely not a friend and now I can see clearly why she’s alone

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrsmurphy86 · 10/06/2018 22:33

She had a one night stand and got pregnant, moved to London and doesn’t work.... honestly I’ve never judged her about this!
I am starting to think she is really jealous and wants to justify why she thinks she is a better mother than me!

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrsmurphy86 · 10/06/2018 22:37

Thank you for your comment, this really is my point of view and feel equally responsible to provide a good life for my DD and be a good role model for her!

To be honest, I really enjoy working and having a bit of variety in my life as well as spending time and raising her.

OP posts:

LapsedHumanist · 10/06/2018 22:39

She’s not your friend now and never should me.

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