To feel annoyed that my dd was left out by another parent?

[dillydallybobo]

So we moved into our house about a year ago and my dd (7) has been playing out in the street this summer. She's got to know a little girl (we will call her Annabel)

Annabel already had a group of girls as friends from the street and my dd has been a bit shy reluctant to join them when they're all together. She's overcome it this week (with my encouragement) and has begun playing with them all together.

She's been playing with them today and they all went into Annabel's house, my dd wasn't sure but Annabel's brother said it's ok you can come in and play. So my dd went in. Annabel comes to her and says my mum said you have to leave. So my dd leaves and sits on the path outside alone while the other girls stay in playing.

She's come home really upset (we only live a few doors away) I told her it was a bit mean but not to worry and distracted her.

I feel like I can't really do anything about it as it's up to Annabel's mum who she lets in the house but aibu to be upset for dd? She's the only one left out after making the effort to join the group.

I could never do this to one child

Are you sure Annabel’s mum wanted her to leave? Might it have been Annabel?

YANBU. are you really sure her mum asked her to leave? Maybe Annabel wanted to keep the friendship separate so asked her to leave for that reason, or the mum actually said she needs to speak to DD's mum before allowing her to stay and it got lost in translation? Either way very upsetting for your DD. If the mum really asked her to leave then yes that's horrible behaviour to just ask one child to leave.

Does Annabel's mum know who she is and who you are?

Are you sure the mother wasn't sending her home because she didn't know that you knew where she was. I remember going frantic and almost calling the police when my DD disappeared into someone's house in exactly these circumstances without telling me.

Do you know the mother? I wouldn't have a child in my house unless I knew the mother and was sure that she was ok with it.

Are you sure it came from Annabel's mum and not from Annabel? It sounds a bit like something a child would say as an excuse. Or maybe Annabel's mum only lets kids come in if she knows their parents have said yes? And Annabel just didn't communicate the message?

If it was from Annabel's mum I agree it's very mean and not fair on your DD - even if the issue was that she then had too many at home she should have sent them all out rather than singling out your daughter.

Sounds more like it was Annabelle who said it rather than her Mum.
Or her Mum said something along the lines of checking with you first which Annabelle has misinterpreted.

Why don’t you just go and talk to her?

Maybe she wasn’t sure you’d be ok with her going in the house.

Did the Mum definitely ask her to leave though? It seems odd to deliver the message via her DD and not directly?

i think id want to determine what actually happened, but tbh, id just downplay it to your dd. It could be that the parent doesnt know you and doesnt want to invite all the street kids in to her house

Have you met Annabel's parents? I'd be a bit reluctant to have a child in to play if I didn't really know who they were. Maybe the parent said they needed to meet you first and the children got a bit mixed up?

That's a bit of cunty thing to do. I know the mother can't have the world and his wife in.
However it was only one extra child.
I mean just letting one in and nonear of the others is one thing but excluding one child like I say is beyond cunty and shitty

When mine were younger I wouldn't let children in without knowing that their parents had given permission for them to go into my house (either as a one off or as a 'it's OK to go into teens house if she's OK with it' kind of way).

She’s 7. She shouldn’t be playing out alone for this very reason.

You have no idea what went on, really. It's her home, she doesn't have to open it up to the whole street.

It might not be Annabel’s mom’s fault, but Annabel. As long as it’s not repeated and systematic exclusion I would let her deal with it herself. Is she ok or is she distraught? If she’s sad, I would ask her to go talk to Annabel’s mom, or I would offer to talk to her myself. If she’s ok with taking a break for a day or two I would let her be.
I noticed that if I intervene in my kids’ social life I usually make things worse. As long as there is no bullying I would let her manage it by herself, and offer suggestions if needed.

Yy to the people who said it's because Annabel's parents haven't met you or it's Annabel who wants your dd gone and not her mum.

I'd knock on the door & ask as it doesn't ring true - do it in a nice way or even under the pretext of inviting Anabel to play at yours since your DD isn't allowed to play there.

You could all be right. I asked her to repeat it and she was clear it was definitely said by Annabel.

It could be that she's unsure if I'm aware that could be it. I don't really know her except I took my children to play opposite a few days ago and she was there but too far to really speak to me.

I've asked dd again to explain and she just looked at me confused so she seems to have got over it quite quickly!

I might try and talk to the mum in passing if I see her (I hate all the mum/kids stuff )

I mean Annabel said that her mum wants your dd to leave but the reality was that Annabel wanted your dd to leave. Kids can be spiteful when no adults are around.

My guess would be that something as got lost in translation. Eg mum has actually said your dd can't play in the house without telling you where she is first, and Annabel hasn't passed the full message on. Or your dd has done something she shouldn't have and the mum has said she can't play there if she's going to continue being naughty, and Annabel has only passed on half the message. Or they've had a silly fall out and Annabel has just made it up.

If they aren't back out again now I'd just go round and ask the mum if they all want to play in yours.

I suppose its possible Annabels mum is always the one with them in her house, and for whatever reason today is a bad day and your dd is the final straw. Not that you would behave that way, but for all she knows you are yet another piss taker dumping your dc on her all day, and she wants to nip it in the bud. In which case going round and inviting them all to yours, and making it clear you aren't another piss taker should solve it.

Why don’t you invite Annabelle etc to play at yours for a little bit then there is the chance to say hi to the mum. I wouldn’t mention anything at this point. Probably crossed wires and could cause more issues over something misconstrued.

Think of it the other way. A new child who this mother I'm guessing doesn't know ticks up into her house. Maybe the mother knows the other children/ mum's and it's all been talked about that it's allowed etc.
I wouldn't allow a new child in just like that without talking to parents/ allergy check etc etc!

You mentioned she was upset. I think you did the right thing.

When my son was younger, he'd troop in with various neighbourhood children. I'd always make them chevk with their parents first or put a limit on numbers, so it's quite possible Annabel's Mum said that she could only have a certain number in.

Also, if she doesn't know your DD, she might not feel comfortable letting her in the house, whereas she may know the other children better.

Etino we live in an enclosed cul de sac and I deem 7 old enough to give some independence. Lots of the parents keep a watch on the kids outside and there is no main roads nearby.