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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed that my dd was left out by another parent?

90 replies

dillydallybobo · 09/06/2018 16:29

So we moved into our house about a year ago and my dd (7) has been playing out in the street this summer. She's got to know a little girl (we will call her Annabel)

Annabel already had a group of girls as friends from the street and my dd has been a bit shy reluctant to join them when they're all together. She's overcome it this week (with my encouragement) and has begun playing with them all together.

She's been playing with them today and they all went into Annabel's house, my dd wasn't sure but Annabel's brother said it's ok you can come in and play. So my dd went in. Annabel comes to her and says my mum said you have to leave. So my dd leaves and sits on the path outside alone while the other girls stay in playing.

She's come home really upset (we only live a few doors away) I told her it was a bit mean but not to worry and distracted her.

I feel like I can't really do anything about it as it's up to Annabel's mum who she lets in the house but aibu to be upset for dd? She's the only one left out after making the effort to join the group.

I could never do this to one child Sad

OP posts:
FeeseAndChickle · 09/06/2018 16:46

Some mums are very cliquey and only let their child play with the children of parents that they are friends with. Maybe it's that? Hope your DD is ok

frenchfancy · 09/06/2018 16:47

I wouldn't want my 7 yr old going into a strangers house without telling me first, and if I were in the habit of letting children I did know into my house then I would stop one I didn't know and tell them to ask their mother. I think the adult in question acted more responsibly than you.

Etino · 09/06/2018 16:47

@dillydallybobo
But it’s not worked out has it?

Original poster
dillydallybobo · 09/06/2018 16:48

Yep you're all right I'm sure. I'm not annoyed now! Grin

I will ask Annabel's mum if Annabel wants to come and play In my house tomorrow and hopefully that will open a conversation

OP posts:
Kerry987 · 09/06/2018 16:49

I wouldn't let my child into someone else's house until speaking to the parent and making sure it is OK. Children sometimes make plans without asking their parents and these are very young children.

Original poster
dillydallybobo · 09/06/2018 16:49

Etino she will come up against all sorts of friendship issues from now until she's about 14/15 this is part of learning for her. I want her to be confident and make new friends so I will be encouraging her to play out rather than sitting at home while the weather is nice

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 09/06/2018 16:51

Do you know Annabelles mum? Do you know who lives there. Your child should not go in random houses and not tell you.

diddl · 09/06/2018 16:52

Perhaps the mum wanted her to let you know where she was & then return?

Racecardriver · 09/06/2018 16:53

If a strange child walked into my house I would tell them to go home. I'd have no idea who their parents were, whether they had any allergies etc, . who to call in the event of an emergency, if she was even allowed out in the first place (I would assume they weren't at that age tbh but it may be the norm where you live), whether parents knew where she was, whether parents were happy with her being there and so on.

Original poster
dillydallybobo · 09/06/2018 16:53

Frenchfancy - this is the first time it's happened and I did explain to her that next time she should come and ask and that way I can walk back with her and check all ok. She hasn't played out before this summer so we haven't come up against it.

OP posts:
aaronburr · 09/06/2018 16:56

Annabel and or her mother have done you a favour. Your DD should not be trying to go into random houses without checking with you first.

Itchyknees · 09/06/2018 17:00

I’d ask mum of annabel was everything ok. Any normal woman would be horrified that her daughter had said that.

upsideup · 09/06/2018 17:08

I will send home any child that comes into my house if I dont have their parents number to tell them where their child, I thought that is just what everyone had to do.
My kids know the 3 houses near us that they are allowed in without asking as we know eachother well, anyone else then they come home and ask.
If they were ever went into a strangers house I would be very thankful it that it was stranger who immediately sent them home.

WorraLiberty · 09/06/2018 17:12

She’s 7. She shouldn’t be playing out alone for this very reason.

Sorry but that's ridiculous.

There's no reason at all why the OP's DD shouldn't be playing out with the other kids in the street.

Fresh air and particularly exercise is something far too many kids seem to be lacking nowadays.

Kids learn to work out friendship issues and it's all experience for later life.

WorraLiberty · 09/06/2018 17:14

Forgot to say, I too wouldn't have a child in the house OP, unless I was sure her parents knew she was here.

KERALA1 · 09/06/2018 17:15

Seems very odd to have such a young child rock up to your house with no parental input? Would never happen here - parents make the arrangements with other parents at kids requests. This sort of misunderstanding and confusion leading to upset is what happens when you don't support and supervise the kids properly. You've dropped a ball here op sorry.

WooWooSister · 09/06/2018 17:15

If you're letting your DD play out, you have to prepare her for the different situations she may encounter. Eg if the other DCs are allowed to cross roads, is she? If the other DCs go into someone's house, is she allowed to go in too?
DS plays with our neighbours' DCs. He plays in their house and they play in our's but he's 10 and the rule is still that he has to come back and tell us if he's going into their house. Otherwise, how we would know that he hadn't wandered off? been abducted? fallen and hurt himself somewhere? When his friends come in, I make sure they have told their parents first too.
I think because this is your first summer allowing this, you have misunderstood some of the basic etiquette around it.

WorraLiberty · 09/06/2018 17:17

Yes I had similar rules to WooWoo when mine were little

In fact they're 19yrs and 15yrs old now and will still text/phone if they change their plans or they're going to be home later than they said.

So it really is good experience for later life.

Original poster
dillydallybobo · 09/06/2018 17:22

I don't think Ive understood etiquette - I have 4 children eldest being 18 so I've experienced them playing out a lot over the years.

I should have warned her about going into houses without asking I admit, she has probably thought it was ok as when I took her out to play the other day she mentioned all the girls were in Annabel's house and she felt left out and I was trying to encourage her to make friends with them so she won't have even thought I wouldn't allow her in there.

She understands now that she is to ask and she's back out playing with all of the girls so I'm going to wander over and speak to her mum just to introduce myself. I won't mention today as I'm sure it's a misunderstanding or she was worried allowing a new child in without parental permission.

Thinking about it I allowed children in I'd ask them to go and check with their parents first so that's likely what's happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
dillydallybobo · 09/06/2018 17:25

I should have said *misunderstood

OP posts:
Original poster
dillydallybobo · 09/06/2018 17:28

Actually I think I've answered my own aibuGrin

Yes I was! Blush

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 09/06/2018 17:29

You really need to introduce yourself before you let your dd out to play she can't be wandering into houses to play without you knowing the other parents I wouldn't let a strange child in my house you need to get passed your awkwardness and just say hello so they all know who you are,

lalalalyra · 09/06/2018 17:39

I send kids home to ask their parents if any of mine are bringing friends in. A couple of times that's been misinterpreted as "not allowed to stay". I try to be very clear, but I would rather that than a parent panicking thinking their child is lost or missing.

Beaverhausen · 09/06/2018 17:42

I am sorry but this is when the Beverly Goldberg would come out in me and I would march over there and ask her politely why she felt the need to ask my daughter to leave.

That is just rude.

summerinrome · 09/06/2018 17:44

I would organise a playdate for your dd and Annabel with tea at your house, I would go over to your neighbour's house and invite her dd over. I would not mention one word about what happened the other day.

You can then introduce yourselves properly. You should really know the families of the children your child is playing with in their houses anyway, as not every family be a safe harbour for your child. There could be risks and she is only seven.

Introduce the idea of tea at your house and take it from there.

I very much doubt her mother did not order your child to leave, she either sent her home because she didn't know her and was worried about having a strange child in her house with their parents permission, or she didn't say it at all.

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