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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My fucking husband!!!

102 replies

Babysharkdoo · 09/06/2018 15:34

So, husband has a sis and bro and his bro is currently divorcing his heating wife.

In the car this afternoon and bro comes up in conversation (by him) and I say that I hope he has better luck with his next partner than he has had with this one and his previous....

Dh says ‘Well, he needs to change his ways. He needs to stop going for these really attractive women, and stop just choosing a partner because they look good’

Now, dh never says anything vaguely complimentary about me. Sil has been pretty awful to me (and dh) and this is the second time he has complimented her looks. The first was when he was talking to our neighbours and said that she was very glamorous (again, he would NEVER) say that about me. Indeed, I am often called slovenly, lazy and embarrassing by dh.

Aibu to be pissed off? Because I am currently raging!!!!

OP posts:
BellyDancer124 · 09/06/2018 19:25

OP you mentioned that you had a great job before having children, is your husband resentful that you no longer have a good job, hence the lazy comment? Your DH doesn’t sound nice at allFlowers

Ruffian · 09/06/2018 19:33

You call him out on his comments but does it make any difference? It's very wrong that he feels able to belittle you like that - do you trade insults? Is it that type of relationship?

Can't be pleasant for your dc to witness and that's going to increase as they get older and more aware.

Bellabutterfly2016 · 09/06/2018 19:38

If someone spoke about me like that they'd be an ex - without a doubt
Totally disrespectful and un-necessary and unfair to you

Let the pair of them get on with it

Hayandy73 · 09/06/2018 19:39

Babysharkdoo I came on here to question if my partner actually likes me because he's hardly spoke to me in days-to be fair I know I nag a lot but he's utterly charming with everyone else and as soon as he's on the phone (nightly) to his 18 year old daughter you can't shut him up-however if he DARED behave like your husband I would go mental- how bloody rude, get him back by telling him how fit is someone you work with is and keep going on about it- that will shut the cheeky fucker up. Get yourself a false tan/makeover and start feeling better about yourself because your self esteem sounds shot- I bet you are georgeous anyway but if your husband can't be arsed to tell you that get your compliments from elsewhere!

elephantscanring · 09/06/2018 19:41

So what happens when you call him out?

Have you told him how hurtful all his nasty comments are?

Have you said he's supposed to love you and have your back, not put you down and make you feel like shit?

Have you told him this is the final straw and you hate him and are fed up with him?

What did he say?

He sounds like the very opposite of a good partner. Why do you stay with him??

pallisers · 09/06/2018 19:41

Indeed, I am often called slovenly, lazy and embarrassing by dh

Why do you put up with that? he sounds horrible - not exactly a prize.

GreyGardens88 · 09/06/2018 19:43

It's horrible when you're made to feel unattractive and unwanted in a relationship, believe me I've been there, I think it's time to call it for your own sanity

ineedaholidaynow · 09/06/2018 19:46

Is he as negative with your DC?

Tistheseason17 · 09/06/2018 19:46

What are his good points? Any?

Ickyockycocky · 09/06/2018 19:58

So sorry to read this OP 💐

To be frank I think your DH is a massive twat. You need to either retrain him into treating you properly, or LTB.

PickAChew · 09/06/2018 20:00

It appears that you are married to a raving misogynist.

Juells · 09/06/2018 20:03

Get your good career back and LTB. Once you've left you'll be the highly desirable grass-is-greener woman again, too late Grin

What does he add to your life? Get your independence back and then you won't be dependent on him for bolstering your self-esteem - which isn't going to happen.

Hotdogjumpingfrogs · 09/06/2018 20:13

So your husband told you in a round about way that he settled for someone he thinks isn't attractive (you) because he knew you wouldn't stray and the relationship would last.

You could look at it as he picked someone based on personality and connection because beauty is skin deep. But still seems to me he thinks your not only minging but also too minging to have an affair.

I'm going to guess that he is not very good looking, your actually out of his league and he's saying this horrid shit to you because he's worried if you realise that you too good for him you'll leave him in a heart beat. He's trying to wear your confidence down.

Original poster
Babysharkdoo · 09/06/2018 20:23

He’s great with dc and everyone else. Just me

OP posts:
Juells · 09/06/2018 20:39

I remember sobbing to a counsellor about the fact that my (now)ex was so lovely with our DC, it was only me he was horrible to. She said "That will change once they're adults" and it did. Once they were independent people who didn't hang on his every word he started the same shit with them that he did with me. My younger DD won't meet him now unless her partner is there, which makes him behave. They both went NC with him for six months after my mother died - he behaved typically when younger DD phoned upset to tell him, and his wife (the OW) was acting as gatekeeper, wouldn't tell him DD was on the phone. DD finally snapped that she wanted to speak to her Da as her GM had just died. Ex came to the phone and instantly started in on her about being rude to the SM. DD put the phone down, and neither of them spoke to him for six months. At the end of the six months he started phoning them all nice as pie, as if nothing had happened. It always annoys me the he has such great respect for the wife, who is an absolute cow, but doesn't mind treating my lovely sweet caring DDs like shit 😡

Rant over.

AbsentmindedWoman · 09/06/2018 20:50

He sounds misogynistic but why were you calling your sister in law plain to start with? Unnecssary.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/06/2018 00:05

He’s great with dc and everyone else. Just me

So basically you're his whipping boy and the butt of all his anger and frustration. Nice.

You do realize that he's unlikely to change, don't you? He derives great satisfaction from knocking you into the figurative dust and all the 'calling out' in the world you may throw at him will never equal that satisfaction.

Is this what you want to live with for the rest of your life?

Juells · 10/06/2018 12:34

@AbsentmindedWoman

why were you calling your sister in law plain to start with? Unnecssary.

Because she's upset?

mummymeister · 10/06/2018 13:10

so if its just you OP then remove yourself from this situation. then he will have to find someone else to be twat to wont he.

your kids will notice the words and the tone that he uses towards you far, far more than you realise. and it will damage them and it will change them. would you like your son to grow up thinking this is how you talk to women you are in a relationship with? would you like your daughter to grow up thinking that she isn't worthwhile because she is a woman?

Why wont women realise this: he isn't being a good dad if he sets a bad example. end of. no amount of stories and taking out or bedtimes can overcome this. none. Being a parent is about instilling your kids with the right behaviours and morals. he is doing this.

so if you decide to stay with him then don't be surprised how your kids turn out in 20 years time.

you have a choice. remember nothing changes if nothing changes so make a plan. speak to him and ask him, how am I lazy? how do I embarrass you? his answers will give you your answer.

some people thrive on tension in relationships and arguments. if you aren't one of those people then recognise it isn't going to just get better by itself.

Miladamermalada · 10/06/2018 13:20

My husband did this and commented on every pretty woman he ever encountered. He never complimented me and actually put me down when I did look good. He pointed out all my faults.
It's taken me to get away to realise I'm fucking good, can be pretty when I've made an effort even though I'm no natural beauty. My body is good for how many kids I've got and I wouldn't change it.
He has lost hair and weight (he was muscly but now he changed job he's lost that) and is less attractive than before whilst I'm getting better.
You will see how nasty he is only when you've left.

Juells · 10/06/2018 13:23

D'you know what's just occurred to me... thinking about the first post, and about two wives leaving his brother. I wonder if the brother was doing the same thing, and the wives both made great efforts with their appearance because he was always running them down, then finally thought "fuck this for a game of cowboys" and buggered off with someone who made them feel good about themselves? Seems a bit of a coincidence that the brother would have two wives who left.

pandarific · 10/06/2018 13:25

Yeah, pack him a case and tell him to get out. He doesn't love you - let alone like you, from how he acts - and you do most parenting and house keeping on your own anyway.

You could actually be with someone nice.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/06/2018 14:31

You could actually be with someone nice.

And this is it in a nutshell. You deserve someone nice!

ohfourfoxache · 10/06/2018 14:37

Wow, he sounds like such a catch Hmm

Bobbybear10 · 10/06/2018 14:49

OP, you are obviously an intelligent, competent woman.

Why are you with a man that is so horrid?
What are you getting from this relationship and is whatever that is really worth it?

You don’t have to be with Someone that makes you feel crap. Especially as it is a horrible model of how to treat people you love to your kids.