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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My fucking husband!!!

102 replies

Babysharkdoo · 09/06/2018 15:34

So, husband has a sis and bro and his bro is currently divorcing his heating wife.

In the car this afternoon and bro comes up in conversation (by him) and I say that I hope he has better luck with his next partner than he has had with this one and his previous....

Dh says ‘Well, he needs to change his ways. He needs to stop going for these really attractive women, and stop just choosing a partner because they look good’

Now, dh never says anything vaguely complimentary about me. Sil has been pretty awful to me (and dh) and this is the second time he has complimented her looks. The first was when he was talking to our neighbours and said that she was very glamorous (again, he would NEVER) say that about me. Indeed, I am often called slovenly, lazy and embarrassing by dh.

Aibu to be pissed off? Because I am currently raging!!!!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/06/2018 16:37

"he threw in ‘well, you’re attractive. Grow up, you’re pathetic’"

At which point you should have countered with "well you've never been LESS attractive than at this moment"

He doesn't fancy your ex SIL, does he?

Fflamingo · 09/06/2018 16:41

Problem imv is how unpleasantly he speaks about everything.
MN quote- what are his good points?

Ellapaella · 09/06/2018 16:59

So he thinks attractive/glamorous women are problematic because they will treat men badly and inevitably cheat?
Your SIL looks have nothing to do with why her marriage didn't work and why she cheated.
And he sounds like a nasty piece of work saying all those things to you. I'm not surprised you lost your temper.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/06/2018 17:04

Hmm, well, I guess I can understand his comment IF his bro never looks past a woman's looks to see her real character. My DH has said similar about a certain friend of his who has been involved with some real 'charmers' and I've never taken it as a slam on my looks. It's a statement of fact regarding the man in question. Not a comparison of SiL's and your respective looks.

DH also isn't into frequent, extravagant compliments about my looks. But he does pay the occasional compliment and definitely makes me feel attractive, valued, and cherished in other ways. And he would never denigrate me as your DH has done. (OK, maybe saying I'm lazy, but then, that would be true)

The issue isn't that your husband finds other women to be attractive. It's that he doesn't find you worthy of respect. And that's your real problem.

Juells · 09/06/2018 17:10

I am often called slovenly, lazy and embarrassing by dh.

He sounds like one of those 'the grass is always greener' people. Whatever he has (in this case his wife, you) can't be that great because it's his. In a twisted way it's a kind of lack of self-worth. So he's generously passing on his lack of self-worth to you. I wouldn't be able to deal with that, as eventually you'll start judging yourself by his measure. LTB.

Juells · 09/06/2018 17:13

@formerbabe

Please don't flame me... but op, are you lazy?

WTF does that have to do with anything? It's just a stick that he's using to beat her with. I know lazy people whose spouses think the sun shines out of their arses, and their answer is to pay for cleaners.

formerbabe · 09/06/2018 17:17

Plenty of posters on here post that their partners are lazy and no one questions if it's true or not. I don't know the op...she could live in the same tracksuit for weeks on end, never wash or brush her teeth and happily live in squalor for all I know....in which case her husband might have a point. Or more likely she's probably a perfectly average woman and her husband is being unreasonable. Point is we don't know.

Bibesia · 09/06/2018 17:30

Why are you still with him? If my partner described me like that I'd have headed for the hills long ago.

Miladamermalada · 09/06/2018 17:32

He sounds an utter wanker.

Gabilan · 09/06/2018 17:49

I'm surprised people think what he said about his SIL is complimentary. He said ‘Well, he needs to change his ways. He needs to stop going for these really attractive women, and stop just choosing a partner because they look good’. The implication is that good looking women cheat and will cheat because they can whereas what holds back less attractive women is the fact that people don't want to cheat with them. That's really quite nasty.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 09/06/2018 17:53

Is she cheating with your DH?

Bramble71 · 09/06/2018 17:53

It must be absolutely awful being called such horrible things. What sort of a man could say things like that to the woman he loves? I'm gobsmacked. I'd be sleeping in the spare room, or making him sleep on the settee. Do you want to stay with this man?

nomoremrsniceguy · 09/06/2018 17:54

'You're pathetic'??!!!! As well as all the other stuff he said. Really OP you need to have a serious think about staying in this relationship. I chucked mine out a couple of months ago after believing for years it was worth putting up with this sort of attitude for the sake of the kids. Turns out it really isn't.

SandyY2K · 09/06/2018 17:58

Yes, I am called lazy and slovenly and various other things

Why do you accept it? People treat you like crap when you allow it.

What he said about your brother isn't the problem. His SIL may be attractive to him and he's saying...it's not just about looks. Which is true.

It sounds like he likes to put you down.

Playing devil's advocate...do you compliment him?

Whereismumhiding2 · 09/06/2018 18:06

Was he born rude or did he take lessons?
This ^^

I agree with PP. It's not what he said about SIL. It's how you feel he talks to you that is perhaps an issue. I hope you can have a chat at another time, when you are both not rushed, to say, actually it bothered me because.. am I recalling right that he conceded he views you as attractive? (You're partners so he bloody well ought to!).

Maybe you should start with that you feels bit put down sometimes and would appreciate a bit more recognition of your loveliness and less criticism.

40isnew50 · 09/06/2018 18:13

YANBU - men just open their mouths and let their bellies rumble. Seriously. I bet he doesn't exactly have a body sculpted by the hand of God. Give him a dig in the ribs and tell him to stop being such a dickhead.

CoughLaughFart · 09/06/2018 18:32

These are two different issues. What he says about his brother choosing style over substance sounds completely sensible.

However, he is making cruel comments to you, which you should address directly. They have no relevance to his views on his brother’s ex - but they DO need to be addressed.

DuchessofSuccess · 09/06/2018 18:37

Why are you still with him?

NoCureForLove · 09/06/2018 18:39

Is he the other man OP?

YANBU to mind being insulted and abused by him.
He is BU for calling his sister in law a girl.
YABU for calling another woman a bitch.

Next.

CoughLaughFart · 09/06/2018 18:42

For fuck’s sake - that’s REALLY what you pick up on?

ohfecknuts · 09/06/2018 19:00

I think you've made a big deal out of nothing. Instead of hearing what he actually said you've just heard an insult to yourself and now you feel shit from your own doing.

Original poster
Babysharkdoo · 09/06/2018 19:00

Thanks all.

My sil is a bone Fide bitch - She has been utterly awful to my dh and I over the years. I can’t go into detail as it’s outing but trust me - involves major life events. She is now being a bitch to bil and finally everyone else sees the light.

My dh is very critical of me and always has been. I am aware of this and call him out on it. I don’t take it lying down.

For those asking, no I am not lazy. I am a clean, non-lazy person who always takes care of her appearance (make up and hair always done to leave house, clothes always clean and clothes always suited to whatever occasion). I’m not meticulous or ocd but we have a clean and tidy home, which I do on my own despite having two very young dcs with me 24/7 (I have no support other that dh who does long hours). My dcs don’t nap so it’s bloody hard work - not something suited to a lazy person! In my former life (pre kids), I had a very well paid, highly positioned job where I was responsible for a hell of a lot of compliance issues, clients and a number of staff - both direct reports and overall responsibility of those who reported into my direct reports. Essentially, Waynetta Slob I am not.

OP posts:
Tara12 · 09/06/2018 19:07

God, he sounds a complete bitch.

Original poster
Babysharkdoo · 09/06/2018 19:08

For those who say my dh sounds like one of those ‘grass is always greener’ people.

He absolutely is. I’ve tried to pull him out of that ridiculous thinking over the years as it’s so negative and upsetting that he is never satisfied with his lot, to no avail.

OP posts:
Tara12 · 09/06/2018 19:10

I would be furious, I am sorry you have to listen to that crap, except you don't you know... I was a really pretty young woman, used to turn heads and ended up with a dysmorphic view of myself because of that sort of thing. I am an older plumper woman now, but I have more confidence now cos I am told I am cute, pretty, lovely... and it's so refreshing.