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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH shouldn’t have his previous wedding albums on our shelf

119 replies

Vanessatiger · 09/06/2018 13:58

Amongst other albums he has on his ex wife and ex girlfriends he lived with. Yes he’s allowed to have had a life before me, but our guests sometimes rummage through the albums and I feel embarrassed he still has them so visible. He gets aggressive when I ask him to remove them. He took a book and slapped me on the face :(

OP posts:

TheGirlWithAPrince · 09/06/2018 15:44

My partner wouldnt ever even think of hurting me because he loves me... just as i would never hurt someone i love like that.

auntyflonono · 09/06/2018 15:46

You should talk to Women's Aid and leave him now.

If you feel you are not able here are a few things you can do in preparation. Don't do anything that would endanger you or the children.

Get yourself a separate bank account, ask to have no post about it sent to your home. Start putting cash back from Tesco etc in it when you can.

Put the children and your important documents somewhere safe, ready for a quick exit. Get bills and bank statements and his wage slips together. Do you have a friend he doesn't know? Gather photos and special things.

See a solicitor for advice.

Next time he attacks you call the police. Record him threatening you. Leave and go to the police. Start a history of his behaviour with the police.

CaledonianQueen · 09/06/2018 15:47

OP, is English your first language? Are your DH and friend from a different country/ background? It is most definitely not normal for you to be treated like that by your DH.

I am glad to hear that you are looking into whether you can keep your children away from your DH. You are right in that they are not safe when around an abuser like your DH. Please call Woman's Aid, ask for support! Whatever you do, please DO NOT, sit your DH down and demand he change as suggested above! In an abusive relationship, the most dangerous time is when the woman is leaving or has just left! Please get help with this! Woman's Aid can find you a place in a refuge, they can keep you safe!

First though, start to squirrel away essentials, your children's passports, birth certificates, your marriage certificate and anything precious that you don't want to be left behind! Pack your children's clothes and toys, a little at a time so he doesn't notice! Ask a friend or relative to keep them for you so that when you leave you can concentrate on getting out as fast as you can! But please get advice from woman's aid first! If your DH attacks you again, please call the police, you and your children deserve so much better!

LifeBeginsAtGin · 09/06/2018 16:00

If he has hit you then you really need to consider your future and that of your children.

He sounds like he is struggling with alcohol and the death of his parents. Also if you are depressed and suicidal once a month that must put him under a lot of pressure.

You need to decide if you can live with the albums. It's a shame you both can't discuss this calmly so you can give your reasons why you don't want them displayed. He says you are nagging- is this perhaps how you are coming across?

That said, if I were you I'd burn the albums in the front garden and then leave.

Original poster

Vanessatiger · 09/06/2018 16:03

Friend born and bred British. Highly educated and Oxbridge educated, lives in the Middle East.

OP posts:

Sparklesocks · 09/06/2018 16:04

Please take the kids and leave, think of the life they’ll have with him as their dad.

speakout · 09/06/2018 16:08

he said I made him aggressive

GET OUT!!!

happypoobum · 09/06/2018 16:09

vanessa No matter how many times you post, the advice is always going to be the same - you need to get out of this relationship.I remember you from your last thread as I reported some of the trollhunters.

You sound like a bird trapped in a gilded cage and desperately unhappy.

I understand from my own experiences how hard it can be to understand that what you have looks so good on paper but is so awful in the reality.

You need to gather up the shreds of you that are left - all your self esteem, and get the hell out. You are married and he will have to provide for you and the DC.

AyUpMiDuck · 09/06/2018 16:16

He is a violent man. He has hit you and has a drink problem be bold and report the assault & battery to the police - make sure you stress that you are frightened for your safety and get them to move him out of the house. You can even get an injunction. Good to have some evidence (bruise, recording, witness).

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 09/06/2018 16:19

Friend born and bred British. Highly educated and Oxbridge educated, lives in the Middle East.

An Oxbridge education doesn’t stop you being an abuser. I went to Cambridge. I can think of at least two men in my year at College who I suspect had the potential to be abusers.

For further back up of this -google Lavinia Woodward.

pointythings · 09/06/2018 16:20

Your male friend is a highly educated twat. An education does not make you a decent person, you know.

Mangoo · 09/06/2018 16:21

Oh God OP please get out!

I've been there with ex. Locked myself in the bathroom out of fear whilst he is headbutting and kicking the door to get to me.

Making someone so scared they have to put a lock between you and them is abuse. Hitting them around the face with a book because they disagreed with you is abuse. Acting this way and then making you feel it is your fault is abuse! You don't want your children around this man.

This isn't the odd squabble about who's not done the dishes. It is emotional and physical abuse and neither is acceptable for any percent of the time.

When you find someone loving and gentle and kind (and you will if you refuse to settle for less) you will see just how appalling and not normal his behaviour was.

Collaborate · 09/06/2018 16:25

I need to leave don’t I?

Yes. Only read the first page. Didn't need to read any more.If you are in the UK PM me roughly where you are and I can recommend a DV solicitor for you to see. Legal Aid will be available.

BeginningToWobble · 09/06/2018 16:27

I have low self esteem and I’m suicidal at least once a month. I don’t see anybody for that.

Read up about PMDD

For the rest, get yourself ready to leave.

Original poster

Vanessatiger · 09/06/2018 16:29

I’m afraid if I report him I’ll be the one in jail and have my children taken away from me..

OP posts:

FoxySamanthaPetersonTheCat · 09/06/2018 16:31

He’s abusing you. He’s already hit you and frightened your children. You need to get away from him.

I’d say the photo albums are the least of your worries but I think they are a tool to upset and humiliate you.

AbsolutelyBeginning · 09/06/2018 16:35

I think it's high time you left him and let him add your wedding album to his dusty old collection of memories.

AbsolutelyBeginning · 09/06/2018 16:36

I’m afraid if I report him I’ll be the one in jail and have my children taken away from me

Why would you be in jail? Why would your children be taken from you?

Has he somehow made you think this would happen?

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/06/2018 16:39

Why would you go to jail? He’s the abuser. That makes no sense.

HornyTortoise · 09/06/2018 16:40

Wow yes, I agree with others, the slapping is what you need to be concerned about, please try to get out of this relationship.

No, I would not be impressed with previous wedding albums in my house on display either, but the slapping is, seriously bad.

No you would not go to jail for reporting him, and of course your kids would not be took away. You are actually protecting them, getting them away from this abusive man.

FoxySamanthaPetersonTheCat · 09/06/2018 16:44

My ex was abusive (physical, sexual everything) he used to threaten me constantly that if I left him he’d have the kids taken off of me. He said due to my past (poor mental health and a few things I’m not proud of but aren’t illegal) id never ever see my children again and if I did they’d hate.

It hasn’t happened. It never will. This is what abusers do. They totally destroy us and turn us into paranoid self doubting wrecks.

steff13 · 09/06/2018 16:48

Why would you be in jail? Why would your children be taken from you?

I think she lives in the Middle East. I don't know exactly what the laws are, but I know they're often not favorable to women.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 09/06/2018 16:48

Please get yourself and your kids away from this violent alcoholic.

Lizzie48 · 09/06/2018 17:00

You really do need to get away from this man. No, partners are not always kind to each other. My DH can be insensitive sometimes, and we have our differences, but I know that he'll never lay a finger on me or on our DDs, which is as it should be.

SayNoToCarrots · 09/06/2018 17:07

Where are you from? Can you go on holiday with the children and not come back?

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