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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH shouldn’t have his previous wedding albums on our shelf

119 replies

Vanessatiger · 09/06/2018 13:58

Amongst other albums he has on his ex wife and ex girlfriends he lived with. Yes he’s allowed to have had a life before me, but our guests sometimes rummage through the albums and I feel embarrassed he still has them so visible. He gets aggressive when I ask him to remove them. He took a book and slapped me on the face :(

OP posts:

itsBritneyBeach · 09/06/2018 14:26

Yes, you absolutely need to leave and I'm very sorry this has happened to you. It's unacceptable, and will escalate in the future if nothing changes. Have you got somewhere safe to go or people that could help close to you?

Juells · 09/06/2018 14:27

Yes you need to leave.

It sounds like the whole purpose of the albums is to cause friction, to provoke you into saying something about them, so he can say you've caused his aggression.

He's looking for an excuse to beat you, and he'll make sure that he finds one.

CloudCaptain · 09/06/2018 14:27

'most' of the time. Not all the time then.

Original poster

Vanessatiger · 09/06/2018 14:29

Do people have DH that are kind all the time? How lucky

OP posts:

GetInMyNelly · 09/06/2018 14:32

Having a DH who is nice all the time isn't considered "lucky", it's simply expected.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/06/2018 14:34

If you felt the need to lock yourself and your 2 small children away from him, while he kicked the door and shouted for an hour, and he blamed YOU for that then yes, you absolutely need to get away from him.

Is he a drinker? Does he take drugs? These are not excuses but if he drinks or takes drugs then this could be exacerbating his already unacceptable behaviour.

However, what he has done is totally unacceptable regardless and you need to keep yourself and your DC safe. He has no respect for you, as shown by his refusal to remove photo albums away from public access - these are things that should be kept in a private place, preferably a box in the attic or similar! - he doesn't care about your feelings at all.

However, his refusal to take responsibility for his aggresstive physical behaviour is the biggest red flag - "You made me do it" - bollocks. He chose to behave like that but he will escalate that behaviour and it will always be your fault. When the children get bigger it may become their fault and I'm sure you don't want to see them be hit because "they made him so angry", do you.

So yes, find a way to get away from him - if he won't leave, then you will have to.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 09/06/2018 14:34

he’s kind to me most of the time when I don’t put demands on him.

And what happens when your kids put demands on him? As someone with an eight year old and a five year old I can tell you now that by that age they get very demanding.

Are you happy for him to hit them round the face with books as well. Are either of them boys? Because if so he’ll probably move onto punching them when they get old enough to start threatening his authority.

If you won’t leave for you, leave for them.

MrsKoala · 09/06/2018 14:35

My DH is not kind all of the time and can often be a complete bellend. But there is a big difference with that and him hitting me or frightening our children. I don't consider myself particularly lucky in that respect. But i do think women who have men who abuse them are unlucky.

You really need to leave.

Original poster

Vanessatiger · 09/06/2018 14:35

He’s kind to me 70% of the time. How warped my views are regarding people being kind to me as I didn’t have nice parents (mother was verbally and sometimes physically abusive to me until I was 16 years old). Father passive and enabler. I have low self esteem and I’m suicidal at least once a month. I don’t see anybody for that.

My husband threatens me with divorce quite often as he knows I’ll struggle with the children. I think it’s a way to control me. I’m not my own person anymore.

OP posts:

Tinkie25 · 09/06/2018 14:36

No I don’t have DH that is kind all the time. Most of the time yes but occasionally he can be an arse, but he is never agressive, nor would he ever hit me.

You need to leave OP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/06/2018 14:38

do people have DH that are kind all the time? How lucky

Yes some women have lovely husbands. You deserve far better than this aggressive arse.

I see you have 2 small children, who are also suffering his abuse. You need to get out as soon as you can. Do you have anywhere safe to go? Is he often aggressive? Do you have time while he’s out/away to collate al lot of the financial information and then leave? Or could you tell the police and see if he gets kicked out and you stay.

lesemajeste · 09/06/2018 14:38

Well I suppose it might give you an advantage in the divorce he’s told you that he wants. And as you’ve posted several times about how you want to stop him having anything to do with your children after you split, so you’ll have more chance of getting that too.

araiwa · 09/06/2018 14:41

Sounds like a perfect time to get yourself a nice 2 bedroom place for yourself

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/06/2018 14:41

I think you need to talk to the police and women’s aid. Your husband isn’t safe to be around your children alone when you separate and you will need some therapy to deal with your emotions. You may find when he is out of your life that you no longer feel suicidal. Did you ever feel that way before you met him?

Original poster

Vanessatiger · 09/06/2018 14:42

He’s a high functional alcoholic. He drinks I’d say about 3-4 pints of beer every night, then moving on to equivalent to 4-5 shots of vodka and whisky. I usually avoid him post 10pm as he gets aggressive for minor things and not pleasant person.

He doesn’t think he has a problem obviously. It’s worse now since his mother passed..

OP posts:

CheshireChat · 09/06/2018 14:45

Not being violent and not frightening someone doesn't mean our partners are always 'kind', which I take you mean that they're always in a good mood.

My DP can be a twat sometimes, I am sometimes, but we'd never hurt the other one.

Things are only fine when you toe the line and make no mistakes he'll make sure you'll never really manage even that.

Otherwise wedding albums from previous marriages should only be on display if there was a bereavement IMO.

marjorie25 · 09/06/2018 14:45

I think you have a nerve asking him to remove parts of his life.
Now if he had the photos out on show, then I would have a problem with that. But they are in his photo album and that is where they should stay. If friends want to see the album, he explain that is x and that is y. We went out years ago.
My H have photos going back to school days, girls that fancied him and one of his college girl friend and others of me.
I have looked through his album and see her, that's his past, I am the future.
Get over your insecurity, it's a killer in a relationship. If someone were to ask me to get rid of my past, I would get rid of them so fast.
Now with him slamming the doors etc, that is unacceptable and should not be tolerated.
You need to sit down with him without the children and iron out all of this. Then you can make up your mind whether to end the relationship or improve on it.
Lastly, I think you owe him an apology for asking him to get rid of the photos and he owes you/children an apology for his behaviour - good luck.
But you need to apologized first to get the ball rolling.

smithsinarazz · 09/06/2018 14:46

Lovey, lots of people are nice. Lots and lots. You just had the bad luck to be brought up by a woman who taught you that being bullied was what happened to you, and a man who let it happen. So no wonder that when a man starts bullying you, instead of saying "Don't you talk to me like that!" you think you just have to put up with it.
My DH is nice to me and the cat and DS all the time. I concede he is uncommonly peaceable. If things annoy him he goes and takes clocks to bits or something. But my dad, who is impatient, fidgety and puckish, would nonetheless never, NEVER have hit my mother, nor taunted her with his previous conquests, nor scared his children. Because he's not a twat.
If you are anywhere near the Toon you can stay with me. We've got a spare room. xx

Oddcat · 09/06/2018 14:47

Marjorie25 have you read the thread ? He HIT her !

Missingstreetlife · 09/06/2018 14:47

I wonder what his exes think.
Just get out, you deserve better

NewYearNewMe18 · 09/06/2018 14:48

marjorie25 What planet are you orbiting today?

Original poster

Vanessatiger · 09/06/2018 14:48

It’s always me apologising.. he never does. Always my fault. Everything is my fault. It’s very exhausting!

OP posts:

Oddcat · 09/06/2018 14:49

He’s a high functional alcoholic

Another reason to leave him , if indeed you need another reason. Your life will never be good with this man.

Original poster

Vanessatiger · 09/06/2018 14:49

I told a male friend about the book incident, said friend said it isn’t a major thing. Told me to brush it under the carpet for the sake of our relationship. So I’m confused if slapping with a book really is a major issue here.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/06/2018 14:50

@marjorie25
What the fuck are you talking about? Ops husband is violent and abusive. I think it is odd to keep photo albums, on a shelf. Tucked away in a drawer or the attic is more acceptable.

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