"Forcing" children to include others

[DorothyL]

If your primary age child was told they had to commit to one day a week choosing to do an activity that makes it possible for a physically disabled child to join in, would you think this is fair enough or that your child shouldn't be forced to play with another child?

There was an episode of This American Life I listened to recently where a teacher made it a rule in her class that children aren't allowed to exclude others from play. She wrote a book about it - "You Can't Say You Can't Play" - I haven't read it but she summarised her findings on the podcast and it was SO interesting. Worth flagging up with the teacher?

Perhaps making it a general rule and not being about your son specifically could be the way to go.

* I think children should learn to understand where they are luckier than others and reach out to those less fortunate, at least sometimes. Do you not agree?*

We should all be aspiring to raise a child like that no??

Agree op.

So sad for your son and I would be livid if I heard my son was actively participating in this exclusion

I was raised with sayings like “Mrs do as you would be done by” “treat others how you wish to be treated”

I have not read all pages of post - first 3 or so but donraise with he School and send a letter to the head and governors if this is not dealt with well - even if he is leaving it will get it off your chest.

@MadMags I will confess that threads like these do get my back up so I probably took it the wrong way rather than you writing it the wrong way. Thanks for understanding. Next time I see you on a Brexit/Irish/Scottish thread I’ll try not to misread!!

To the PPs stamping and saying “but why should other children have to care about one child with a disability?” Because it’s what makes us decent human beings. Teaching your children not to give a shit about anyone but themselves, not to include people who are excluded or marginalised isn’t something to be proud of. It’s something to be fucking ashamed of.

In the meantime, Dorothy, I would continue to gently encourage other activities as well as pushing the school on this.

For no other reason than your son not being quite so hurt and isolated.

In the meantime, Dorothy, I would continue to gently encourage other activities as well as pushing the school on this

Definitely! The school need to step up, their inaction is awful and really unfair.

Next time I see you on a Brexit/Irish/Scottish thread I’ll try not to misread!!

So you know I’m an expert on getting my back up on a thread! 😂

Include him in doing what though?
It needs to be optional, I still dont think it would be fair to force my child who wants to sit down and read at lunch do what your son wants to do which sounds like an active game.
She would offer him to sit with her, he could choose not to as he prefers things more active, fine.
He could ask her to play his game, she should be able to choose not to as she prefers to be sat down and that should also be fine.

@MadMags aye I remember a particularly infuriating one about nobody considering the impact of Brexit on Northern Ireland/Ireland and we both had our backs firmly up!

Could you ask teacher to give ideas how to adapt games.

I find an appointment provokes more response than a pop in.

I sent yet another email this afternoon, no response yet which is of course fair enough, but if I don't get a good response to this I'll request a proper meeting.

At my DD's primary school they had a 'friendship stop' in the playground. Like a bus stop. Any child who felt lonely or who had nobody to play with could go and stand at it. There was a rota of children who had responsibility for engaging/playing with and child who used it. They took it very seriously and it worked really well.

It needs to be optional, I still dont think it would be fair to force my child who wants to sit down and read at lunch do what your son wants to do which sounds like an active game.

I don't want to speak for OP, but I'm assuming this is mostly referring to the children who are already playing these games because they're the games they're interested in.

Well, so is OP's son. And he can play with adaptions once a week. It's not a big ask at all!

aye I remember a particularly infuriating one about nobody considering the impact of Brexit on Northern Ireland/Ireland and we both had our backs firmly up!

Oh God, the RAGE!!!

This must be awful for your DS, but in all honesty I can't see a rota of activities working.

For one thing, some students don't play with others anyway. There will be lots who don't play football, who, for whatever reason, want or need to be on their own. They will have valid reasons for not joining in.

Then there will be students who just don't like football, who read at break or chat to their friends. Is it reasonable to specify that they have to leave their conversations and do an organised activity in their playtime?

I think the only real result of this would be banning kids from physical play that they enjoy, and unfortunately, that won't help your DS feel included.

Perhaps you need to think of an activity that your son could do that his classmates would want to join in playing, rather than be ‘made’ to play? Boccia can get quite exciting and can be played by the more able, not just by wheelchair users.

At my DD's primary school they had a 'friendship stop' in the playground. Like a bus stop. Any child who felt lonely or who had nobody to play with could go and stand at it. There was a rota of children who had responsibility for engaging/playing with and child who used it. They took it very seriously and it worked really well

That is a bloody brilliant idea!

And I agree MadMags, one day of slight adaptations that mean OPs DS gets to play too is in no way unreasonable. I’m that anyone would think it was although I suspect they’re the kind of people who raise children who exclude kids who aren’t NT

Once a week could someone (TA, lunchtime supervisor, parent volunteer) run an inclusive sports club? Aimed at all year 6s or aimed at DC from all year groups who may be finding it difficult to play with their peers.

PE lessons could teach some fun inclusive games, and DC could be encouraged to practice them in the playground? PSHE lesson about exclusion and disabilities?

Singling your son out and forcing others to play with him might mean that he has somebody to play with at lunch for the next few weeks. But I can't see it working long term, if other pupils become resentful of him. I think that teaching them the skills they need (empathy, looking out for eachother, knowledge of inclusive games) would be better in the long term.

That sounds like a good plan OP. They sound like they are burying their heads.

@MadMags I nearly got banned after that one I think!

Sounds fair enough. It's a shame it's necessary though. There's one child who uses a wheelchair in my child's class and she's very much included in playtime without the other kids needing to be asked.

Makes me mad when teachers say things like “well, we can’t force other children to play with him....”. Really? Funny how you can “force” them to come inside after break, do lessons that some will dislike, sit down at a table, put away toys and distractions........ or in fact anything YOU want them to do.
As DM to an ASD child who is not unpleasant at all to other children, just awkward and “not cool”, I think that requiring children not to exclude a child from play is just teaching them to be kind, to respect and accept difference. It’s good for all children. Quite frankly I’ve been gobsmacked by just how callous some parents are when they support their child’s “right” to not have to include vulnerable children. How would they feel if it was their D.C. coming home from school sobbing fit to burst and begging them to get their friend back for them because no one would play with him.

The school have a resposibility to teach inclusion of others and not turn a blind eye. This should begin from day one. I also believe parents should discuss diversity in all others and not to exclude because of that. I always remember my ds relaying hiw another child spoke about a child with a minor disability. It was absolute disgust!!!! Where did this child learn this discrimination against others???

I'd also consider the fact that it is unlikely that the OP's DS is the only child ever to feel excluded from a game. Imagine there are three or four in a year group. How many 'mandatory' activities can there be?

I'd also consider the fact that it is unlikely that the OP's DS is the only child ever to feel excluded from a game

Literally only somebody with no experience of disability or how dehumanising it is being treated differently because of a disability would come out with this shite. It’s not about games, it’s about exclusion generally and trying to find a way to make it easier for OPs DS to be included. It’s directly because of his disability, and being disabled automatically means you are viewed/treated/spoken to differently. Which has a cumulative effect which is exhausting, depressing and very very isolating.

How would they feel if it was their D.C. coming home from school sobbing fit to burst and begging them to get their friend back for them because no one would play with him

This thread is making me tear up, actually.

I remember when my DN wrote a letter to a few boys who he wanted so desperately to be friends with. They had been friends when they were younger and the differences weren't as noticeable.

The letter was filled with pleading and apologies for upsetting them, even though he had no idea what he'd done wrong.

Even now my stomach hurts writing about it. Life is unspeakably cruel sometimes.

And he's a brilliant, brilliant boy. So funny and patient with my children who are younger.

Children only benefit from being kind and helpful. From learning that some people aren't as fortunate as they are.