To ask your help in what to do-housing situation

[Miladamermalada]

First time post here.
I'm posting for traffic and hoping for some advice.
I am two years out of DV relationship-we are allowed no contact with my ex husband, my children are still in therapy. I have been under the perinatal mental health team due to having a baby, and am only just putting one foot in front of the other.
We live in a two bedroom house, owned. It is all I can afford.
I have four children, the last was in order that I wouldn't be able to leave but I did.
I have two teenage sons, a daughter aged 10 and a baby girl.
I have partitioned the master bedroom and currently the boys have one half each for privacy. Me and the two girls share the other smaller bedroom, the baby in a cot. She is just sleeping through. I sleep in the bottom bunk and my 10 year old on top.
I am hoping to convert the attic bit by bit. But I have had to take considerable time out of my academic job, and given all the trauma, have packed my books and papers away into the loft. I have bought a sofa bed to try and get some space but the older boys want the best of both worlds, to have the chance to stay up to watch TV downstairs, but also their own rooms.
I have given them lovely rooms, all they need, but have unwittingly written myself out of my own life-I have no clothes, no makeup, no things. I haven't existed except to survive. I am realising I need to move on by doing the things which are needed to be a basic human being. One of these I think is having my own bed and a door to close. I have no space from the children and nowhere to go, wherever I am in the house they are there.

I am posting for traffic really to ask if it is ok to put the boys together? They are highly against the idea and I am aversive to aggression of any form but I am the parent and now I am about to go back to work I need somewhere to put my books, to buy some clothes and put them in a drawer.

I'd appreciate advice from anyone who has been through the other side of an abusive marriage and managed to walk again.

Many thanks.

The only option I can see is to use the living room and sofa bed. The boys will just have to compromise on that, you need your own space.

Edit to add that I was brought up in violence, I have always lived in violence until it started on my kids. I didn't leave because nobody gave me permission, I left for them. So silly things like decisions for the kids I feel I need permission for because anything I have ever done has been punished.

Sometimes you have to make unpopular decisions. You are putting everyone else's needs before your own, which is normal to an extent for a mother, but you do need your own space.

I've got a teeny tiny room but it is my room and I can stomp up there and shut the door when the kids are driving me nuts. Of course it's ok to either put the boys together or you take the living room. I'd say having a room is better than the living room TBH.

How old are the teenagers?

Is there any chance at all you could move to a bigger house in a cheaper area? I appreciate you may not want to move for stability etc.

Having 2 teenage boys myself (who happily shared a room when they were 7-10) I know they do need their own space, I think if their room is already split moving them both into half of it would be asking a lot of them.

Do you just have a living room downstairs? Is there any way to partition part of that off somehow to give yourself some space?

Do you have a shed or anything in the garden? Could that become a little office for you- a place to work etc even if not your own room?

I do sympathise, I was an abusive relationship myself which took a long time to escape from and I do understand needing some space for yourself. If your boys were a little younger I'd say get them to share without hesitation but it's much more difficult with teens.

Could you partition the lounge?

Could you possibly rent out your house and move to a different cheaper area (still renting?) with an extra bedroom? Then in 3/4 years when the teens are over 18 and out the house you can move back with you in the small room and the 4/yo & 14 yo in the partition d room.

Of course they can share! Give them a tv if they're really moaning.

Random thought - do you have a dining room or kitchen diner that can become the family living room? Do you have a garden big enough for a small summer house for the boys to have a den?

Well done.

I’d say give them the choice , share a room or they have to be out of the living room at a reasonable hour because that is your room if they don’t want to share .

Nothing wrong with 2 teenage boys sharing. But I don't see how it helps you? Unless the 2 girls and the baby share which isn't ideal. Have you got a dining room that you could use as a bedroom?

Sounds like you are not in a well enough place to manage a move right now.

Id put the bunkbeds into one of the partition rooms for the boys. Dd into the other. Keep the baby in with you a little longer but put all babys stuff into dds room so your room is free for all your stuff.

The boys can lump it.

I don’t think the boys need their own space - it used to be very common for children to share rooms and my dad and his brother shared a room through university until they left home. I think people in general go too far to ensure children have lots of space now.

But your situation is harder and I think to insist the boys share a room give all you’ve all been through and given teenage hormones would possibly make life harder for everyone. However, you are I think putting yourself out of your own life too much and should have some space of your own. At least they should respect the fact that if they have a room to themselves and you don’t they need to leave you that space in the later evening. If they don’t do that I don’t see why they should have the separate rooms. And hopefully that would see you through until you can sort out the loft for more sleeping space.

I haven’t been in an abusive relationship so apologies if this is insensitive or wrong, but I think you are giving the boys a really good deal and giving yourself and your daughters a less good one and maybe being too accommodating given your understandable desire to avoid aggression. But in the long run it might teach the boys that if they are awkward and selfish about something they will get what they want which isn’t great for making them considerate men. Apologies if I’ve misinterpreted that sense at all and lots of kudos for getting yourself and your children to a better place.

There are 5 of you with 2 bedrooms, they currently have one each whilst there are three of you in a small room.

I think they've little choice but to share, it's so unbalanced. I would maybe do the opposite and carve out a little space for them downstairs and you have your bedroom for your space.

It won't be forever. I know plenty of people that shared throughout childhood.

My ds 14 & 18 share, never been a problem.

Put the boys in the small room, the girls in one half of the partition and you in the other.

I had a two bedroom cottage for years and a boy and girl. I slept downstairs. It’s now such a novelty for me having my own bedroom

Honestly, going against the grain, I’d leave teenagers’ arrangements as they are and move myself to the living room. I’d also partition it off to make it feel enclosed at night, perhaps by a temporary divider, and I’d definitely add appropriate storage for your things and clothes.

The condition of them having their own rooms is that the living room becomes my room after a certain time - maybe 8 or 9, depending how old they are, and not before a similarly appropriate time in the morning. If they dislike that option, then I’d give them the smaller room, and put the girls in one side of the partitioned master and you in the other.

Yes, children have shared rooms in decades and centuries past, but by that logic so I’ve entire families - parents didn’t always have any expectation of their own sleeping space either. Regardless, we don’t live in those times. I don’t see it as an unreasonable luxury for you to have your own room, but I’d be willing to put that aside for a couple more years to help give some stability and normality back to the teens who would also have suffered terribly from growing up in a household with DV.

A couple of other things - I’d prioritise the attic conversion as best I could, and things like appropriate clothes and makeup are just as important as things like toys for the kids, so don’t let yourself take a complete backseat there.

I think that you should give the boys a choice: either they share a room or they vacate the living room at a reasonable time to give you your space. I thought all teenagers did all their viewing on devices via catch-up and streaming now, don't they?

Without wanting to get too psychologically deep about this, presumably these boys have been brought up in a family where the man dominates and bullies and gets what he wants and the woman's role is to erase her needs in compliance. It will be difficult for them to over-ride that conditioning, but of course they must, if they are to not repeat the roles in their own future relationships.

Well done on getting away from what sounds like a horrific situation.

Am I understanding that you want to turn the lounge room into a bedroom for yourself? But your sons want to keep it as a lounge as well as keeping the shared master bedroom?

I see two options - go ahead with your plan (if I've surmised it correctly), but buy the boys a TV for their room.

Or, turn the lounge into a joint bedroom for the boys, the girls get moved into the larger master bedroom, and you take the girls' current bedroom.

Either way, much as it would be desirable, it's not fair for the boys to have both a bedroom and a lounge room, whilst three other people have to share a bedroom.

If you convert the lounge room into a bedroom, will there still be somewhere else for the family to watch TV and hang out?

Without wanting to get too psychologically deep about this, presumably these boys have been brought up in a family where the man dominates and bullies and gets what he wants and the woman's role is to erase her needs in compliance. It will be difficult for them to over-ride that conditioning, but of course they must, if they are to not repeat the roles in their own future relationships

Yes, this thought jumped out at me too in reading the OP.

OP, are you worried that your sons will turn violent/nasty if you don't give into them over this? Or is this just normal teenage whining? In both cases, it's an excellent chance for them to learn you can't have everything you want, and that the way to solve this/a problem is via normal, non violent, discussion and compromise (eg. 'no' to having both a bedroom and lounge, but 'yes' to having a TV in their bedroom).

Without wanting to get too psychologically deep about this, presumably these boys have been brought up in a family where the man dominates and bullies and gets what he wants and the woman's role is to erase her needs in compliance. It will be difficult for them to over-ride that conditioning, but of course they must, if they are to not repeat the roles in their own future relationships.

This is a very gentle way of saying what I was thinking when reading the post.
Your daughters and yourself are getting proportionally “less” than the boys - that isn’t right and you should think about what that teaches your daughters too.

Yanbu and Emmyrose2000 outlines two good options.

You are awesome OP Do what is best for you now.

I have thought about moving and would be eligible for a HA house given the situation, I don't know whether to do that as a bigger house would be lovely but we are in a lovely area close to schools and activities and they can walk places and have trusted people nearby. I think that outweighs a move but obviously space is sacrificed.
I am going to look into the loft today.
The living room isn't partitionable, and the eldest incontinent so the sofa would be soaking. If I did that my eldest daughter would have the loft, I would share with the baby for a few years then reconsider.
There are no other living spaces except the kitchen which is big enough to congregate but not really comfy as it has a large table and chairs but no sofa etc.

All my colleagues have progressed in the hell of the last 2 years. I was exceptional, he tried to sabotage it and he has. I was internationally presenting, publishing at the top of my game.
I can barely remember words anymore, was nearly sectioned as I couldn't tell if words were real or not. I'm stepping into life again and wondering what the fuck to do to get myself back.

The attic conversion seems the most urgent priority. I wonder if you might be elgible for financial help with this? Maybe try CAB to find out?

You are doing a fantastic job, you really are amazing for getting out of an awful situation and starting your life over.

My teens like to stay up late too, we are in a small house with thin walls! They have iPads and earphones and watch in bed, the DC need to learn that being in a family is give and take, it will stand them in good stead in their own relationships and families in the future. Look after yourself too.