To ask your help in what to do-housing situation

[Miladamermalada]

First time post here.
I'm posting for traffic and hoping for some advice.
I am two years out of DV relationship-we are allowed no contact with my ex husband, my children are still in therapy. I have been under the perinatal mental health team due to having a baby, and am only just putting one foot in front of the other.
We live in a two bedroom house, owned. It is all I can afford.
I have four children, the last was in order that I wouldn't be able to leave but I did.
I have two teenage sons, a daughter aged 10 and a baby girl.
I have partitioned the master bedroom and currently the boys have one half each for privacy. Me and the two girls share the other smaller bedroom, the baby in a cot. She is just sleeping through. I sleep in the bottom bunk and my 10 year old on top.
I am hoping to convert the attic bit by bit. But I have had to take considerable time out of my academic job, and given all the trauma, have packed my books and papers away into the loft. I have bought a sofa bed to try and get some space but the older boys want the best of both worlds, to have the chance to stay up to watch TV downstairs, but also their own rooms.
I have given them lovely rooms, all they need, but have unwittingly written myself out of my own life-I have no clothes, no makeup, no things. I haven't existed except to survive. I am realising I need to move on by doing the things which are needed to be a basic human being. One of these I think is having my own bed and a door to close. I have no space from the children and nowhere to go, wherever I am in the house they are there.

I am posting for traffic really to ask if it is ok to put the boys together? They are highly against the idea and I am aversive to aggression of any form but I am the parent and now I am about to go back to work I need somewhere to put my books, to buy some clothes and put them in a drawer.

I'd appreciate advice from anyone who has been through the other side of an abusive marriage and managed to walk again.

Many thanks.

Isn't it greedy to get PIP and DLA for my son? Will they not think that I cannot be too affected if I'm raising him and others?
I've never had a carer's assessment.
I have looked at the disabled facilities grant which can be for children or adults. I think I have the best chance of applying for a bathroom and downstairs bedroom for myself, given that the children are adequately bedroomed and the need is for myself. I think that may be easier than trying to fight with all the other autistic children's parents. I have had a haven weekend holiday voucher from the family fund before but didn't realise they funded home adaptations?

Why is it greedy to get what you are entitled to?

What would you spend any money you got on? For now, wouldn't it be a space for you, which would make you a more productive and relaxed mum/carer?

Yes it would. And maybe pay the launderette to wash and dry our clothes as I do 2/3 loads a day.

Family Fund, in my experience, don’t fund adaptations but would fund furniture etc.
No it’s not greedy at all to apply for PIP for yourself and still get DLA for your son. It’s totally within your rights. I also know of families who have more than one child on DLA and a parent on PIP - get some help filling in the form though as it’s a bitch!
You need to ring your first contact team in SS and ask for a Carers assessment. They may send this through the post to you but you can request help filling it in. It should be a two way dialogue. It should open the doo to an OT referral who can come and assess the house. Yes I think a room built on for you is probably the best solution.
Have you googled to see if you have a Carers service/ centre nearby? There are usually young Carers services which may be of benefit to your two other older children too x

*door

Also have a look at the charity Follow your Dreams.

Thank you so much for this information. Thing is people don't see me and see 'disabled'. I don't see disabled when I look at me but in comparison to two years ago I can't do the things I did. I suppose I could apply for the forms and fill them in honestly, nothing hurting there.

You will only qualify for the DFG if the adaptations are with regard to your disabilities/health needs rather than social need.
Your son should qualify due to his ASD but its getting harder and harder to persuade local authorities that the needs of children with autism are on a par with physically disabled children.

You won't qualify for the family fund if your income is over 25k (unless they have upped their threshold) they will only give grants of up to £500.

Caudwell Children have a higher threshold so are worth looking at.

Its also worth exploring charities who support families fleeing from DV as well as those who work with children with disabilities.

You can look at those who help adults with your conditions, I don't know much about adult charities.

Good luck

Mila people see you as 'together' and the school see your son as 'easy'

• therein lies your problem. And you know what, generally those that are paid to deliver services prefer the 'untogether' as they are easier to dictate/deliver to and are either grateful recipients or get nothing.

So, still keeping it together, apply for PIP/DLA for both of you and your son. It is not greedy and as you keep it together who really needs to know - it's mostly form-based and assessed on written evidence. You are an academic, written evidence is your speciality.
PIP/DLA is not means-tested so you can still work, Carers Allowance is earnings-tested, reduces if you earn more than £120pw (?).

If you can keep working (in that Shed/Summer House in the garden) you still have yourself. And it will be a good place to view the progress of your loft conversion and house extension.

You can do it - you know you can - look what you have already achieved.

Have you contacted the Family Support Practitioner through the school? She can put you in touch with Young Carers, so your younger DC can have a break, as their needs come second to DS1, so they are effectively carers. That is what our FSP is doing for my DD2, who puts up with a lot from DD1.

I fully understand your anger and frustration towards your DS1, and don't blame you in the slightest for feeling that way. I have felt that way about my DD1. If it wasn't for the fact that she goes to her 'D'F every weekend, I think I'd go insane - I need that break from her.

As in he manipulated me to take him to get there early, even when I'd stipulated new boundaries. I'm not a walkover or doormat as he's seen with his dad and he needs to know it autistic or not.

i think it is fine to put a curfew on the lounge and stick to it. 8pm is more than reasonable. After that its yours

Thanks Bran
I'm getting some bookshelves so I can put myself back in my house. I have hundreds of books, I want them back where I can see them. If anyone can recommend oak cheapish bookshelves I'd be grateful.

If they have only been sleeping apart for a year..I'd be putting two sets of bunk beds in the master bedroom..girls in one half boys in the other...you op ,are an amazing woman for what you have coped with..you deserve your own room,your own space.somewhere to hang your clothes and store your make up.get those boys in together and claim your space..don't let the boys take over the lounge.you need family time ,in the lounge x

Remember what the boys have seen behaviour wise from your husband..don't let the boys take over where he left off 💐

Thanks. I know it sounds silly but I have an underlying fear of my boys, a reluctance to discipline as their reactions scare me (I do discipline but find it harder).

I think I would also like to ask about bedtimes. As stated DS2 is still sat with me in the lounge however DS1 and DD1 are upstairs but awake. DD2 is still awake but in her cot.
I don't know how to do bedtimes because DD2 has a nap between 2-3 or otherwise she falls asleep at tea time. I want some evening time. DS2 gets a PS4 tomorrow for his birthday so hopefully he will want to be upstairs on that then.
Have done some lovely things with the girls today.