To ask your help in what to do-housing situation

[Miladamermalada]

First time post here.
I'm posting for traffic and hoping for some advice.
I am two years out of DV relationship-we are allowed no contact with my ex husband, my children are still in therapy. I have been under the perinatal mental health team due to having a baby, and am only just putting one foot in front of the other.
We live in a two bedroom house, owned. It is all I can afford.
I have four children, the last was in order that I wouldn't be able to leave but I did.
I have two teenage sons, a daughter aged 10 and a baby girl.
I have partitioned the master bedroom and currently the boys have one half each for privacy. Me and the two girls share the other smaller bedroom, the baby in a cot. She is just sleeping through. I sleep in the bottom bunk and my 10 year old on top.
I am hoping to convert the attic bit by bit. But I have had to take considerable time out of my academic job, and given all the trauma, have packed my books and papers away into the loft. I have bought a sofa bed to try and get some space but the older boys want the best of both worlds, to have the chance to stay up to watch TV downstairs, but also their own rooms.
I have given them lovely rooms, all they need, but have unwittingly written myself out of my own life-I have no clothes, no makeup, no things. I haven't existed except to survive. I am realising I need to move on by doing the things which are needed to be a basic human being. One of these I think is having my own bed and a door to close. I have no space from the children and nowhere to go, wherever I am in the house they are there.

I am posting for traffic really to ask if it is ok to put the boys together? They are highly against the idea and I am aversive to aggression of any form but I am the parent and now I am about to go back to work I need somewhere to put my books, to buy some clothes and put them in a drawer.

I'd appreciate advice from anyone who has been through the other side of an abusive marriage and managed to walk again.

Many thanks.

A summer house would be a great idea.

How much would a summer house cost and who would it be for-the autistic son?

You are far more stronger than you realise.

Will SS in your area offer respite care? As teens me and my friend used to do 'respite/babysitting' just for a few hours on a Friday or Saturday night, for families with children who had a range of disabilities. It didn't seem much 6pm-midnight ish but it made a massive difference to those parents. Likewise I used to be playleader for a summer plagscheme for children with disabilities up to 18. Mon-fri 9-4. Is there anything like this in your area?

OP you sound so strong, but yes you need an oasis for you to get yourself back. The children are important, but they will just have to watch tv in their rooms. You are not just a provider and a mother and as young teens they are old enough to recognise that.

Have you had access to family therapy for your children particularly ds2? It sounds like he has been very affected by the domestic violence. All the aggression like you say is symptomatic of deeper emotional turmoil beneath the surface. Also for your dd to help break the cycle of pleasing and appeasing behaviour.

The other thing to explore is respite care via social services for ds1 for short periods. You have been through a lot and being a full time carer for an autistic child is hard work. There may also be charities that can provide workers who will build a relationship with him to take him out or sit with him whilst you have some time to yourself.

I don't have much useful advice but wanted to say you sound so strong, and are coming through the other side of a situation most of us couldn't even imagine. Prioritising your needs for once isn't wrong, and will be beneficial for the children to understand that being a mother does not equal being a martyr. I hope you can carve out some space for yourself both in the house and emotionally. And please see if the dr can refer you to have your gynae issues looked at - there must be something that can be done to improve your quality of life from a health perspective.

immortalmarble , it may be uncomfortable reading for you but as a parent of child with autism (and without all the other issues the op is facing) I can understand the helpless feeling of knowing your child will never leave home, will never be self sufficient, all of the things a parent of a nt child can look forward to. If the op can not speak her truth here, where can she?

My daughter has 1:1 counselling to work on her pleasing behaviours.
DS2 was the rescuer who stuck up for all the children. The abuse towards them was only ever whilst I was at work, looking back it was a punishment that I wanted to work and not be trapped at home. I had no idea how bad it was until the children were certain he wasn't coming back then it came out he was starving them, beating them, making them stay outside all day or in their bedrooms. He has had some support to emotionally regulate and also a group therapy building confidence and relationships.
SS haven't offered anything before but I could get in touch again. We have just closed a TAC process of 2 years but I could still get in touch with them.
Yes it is hard work. If it was a club he wouldn't go. He refuses to leave his room unless for food, bathroom or for a very familiar activity. I took them away last year thinking it'd be a nice break but it was awful and his needs ruined it for everyone.
Thank you.

Did you see my post about the possibility of partitioning off a bit of the kitchen? Only reason why I’m suggesting this is because my parents actually did this to create an extra small room. It was an end terrace so it was possible to put a window in, which made it nicer.

You’d update is heartbreaking. . Sorry. I can’t find words for how awful he was. I also think you should get more help.

I understand that Idog, my son has autism too ... but there is a way to express this.

Christ you've been through so much.
What a horrible husband.

How bad do things have to be to get some respite care for your eldest son?

I don't know how bad things need to be.
To be honest for him it's best he stays at home, he has cardiac issues and had 4 surgeries last year alone, the others were cared for by a teacher the weeks he was in hospital. No respite or foster care available for them.

Immortal I'm not sure exactly what was uncomfortable to read. I'm entitled to be sick of being with him. After everything that's gone on we are all safe and that's great but having one child making the world revolve around them autistic or not is bloody depressing and yes I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not being able to go out as a family. I'm sick of having to cook a separate meal each evening. My kids have never eaten some normal foods, curries, Chinese, chilli etc because I had to prepare non-touching bland food. To the point if I have a restaurant meal I'm ill. I can't play my music loud. I can't go anywhere except work as he's too young to leave for that long so I can't have a hobby. I can't bring people back to the house as it overwhelms him and he has meltdowns. A person is not just autism and some of that is him as well and to say I'm pissed off at not having a bedroom or space from it is probably uncomfortable reading but after everything else I don't care if you find it uncomfortable. My question was regarding the housing, I put the autism in there for context, just as I put in how we'd left an abusive parent and husband for context.

I would be interested to hear how you think I should express this. I don't have endless empathy. He is looked after in his own world where only he matters and everyone else is in the way. Not his fault but not mine either.

Express it however you like. It's the truth. And if the truth is uncomfortable reading then so be it.

Go back to social services for support, you may be able to access some respite for your son(possibly children with disability team if not your previous Social services team).... some areas have support that will go in to your house and you and the other children could have a break....
Is he registered with them for short breaks etc do you get DLA for him and carers allowance for you? ...national autistic society can be helpful 0808 800 4104

You will need to be clear about what you need though- Social services are being cut to the bone in what they can offer for children especially but you need help ....most areas have some form of respite- Adults with autism def hit Social Services criteria but children less so..

re the rooms as they have tvs etc then I would get rid of the big table and chairs and repurpose the front room for you & baby and the dining area as family tv space...then see again in 6months maybe moving would be a better long term option than loft converting as v expensive but give yourself some time.....
baby could come with you and so dd has own space but with baby going in once older able to have bunks
I would leave the boys as is..

Immortal after everything the OP has said she has gone through and you choose to say that? Not very supportive. I have no idea what it is like to have an autistic child but, fuck me, I'm not going to come down on someone for venting a bit in a safe space about it after clearly living a life of utter hell.

Ignore the comments about how your feelings about your son make them ‘uncomfortable’. From your account of living with your son I suspect I would personally crack and relinquish parental rights to social services. You’re a saint to cope with him full time plus an enormous amount of trauma.

As far as housing goes, could the attic be partitioned into two small rooms for the boys? That way you will be close by on the same floor as your littlest DD.

ImmortalMarble
You have an autistic son. But have you suffered dv and repeated rape as well as parental abuse?

It is not true that children always come first. Sometimes when a parent is so distressed, at breaking point or in dire need in some way, they must come above their child in order for them to even be able to look after their child. Rather like the parent putting their oxygen mask on first when a plane decompresses.

I think a summer house for your eldest is a good idea long term.
Its something we are considering for our autistic teenager.
I know what you mean about being sick of his behaviour. I feel that way about my much loved son sometimes. That feeling goes away when he is having a good period and its hard to even imagine feeling that way.
Then he starts up with his aggression, demanding, complaining and nastiness and it comes flooding back.

You can get a substantial summer house for around 2k. You would then need to factor in installation, connection and insulation costs.

I don't know how much you earn but you may be able to get a grant from a charity for costs/part costs given that your son has ASD and you are fleeing DV.
It helps if you have a professional to apply on your behalf. Its not easy, I apply for grants on behalf of others and it can be a real faff, but its something worth exploring.

I'm not able to partition the kitchen. My rooms are really small. Annoyingly the garden and drive are quite big.

Maybe also consider an extension OP - big garden. If you own house outright and/or can earn some decent money extend mortgage or get a long-term loan to cover it.

And I really understand the feelings that you expressed here about your eldest - sometimes it really does get to you, it's the autism you hate, not the child.

Hi OP,
Firstly I just want to say I think you’re amazing. It sounds like you’ve been through absolute hell.
I work for a Carers centre, spefically with parent Carers. Please google your area to see if there is a Carers centre locally. I help in a range of ways; emotional support, signposting, applying for grants, support in meetings etc. I know families who have had adaptations made to their homes because their children have ASD. I can think of three families off the top of my head. Most families have respite. Have you had a Carers assessment? It is your legal right to have one. Has anyone ever suggested direct payments to pay for respite in a way that works for you?
If you’re not working at the moment, you can apply for Carers allowance. You can also apply for PIP even if you are working as it’s not means tested.
There is a website called Turn2us that holds records of lots of different grants. There is also Family Fund as another poster has suggested.
Good luck OP.

I think seeing if you're entitled to a HA property is a really good idea. I know you say your home is familiar and is in a nice area, etc, but I really think the benefits of having enough space outweigh all these. I used to work for a HA, they're not just got housing, they'll also signpost you to where you can go for help for everything else.

I really hope you manage to find a way to make life a bit easier. What you've been through sounds horrific. You're amazingly strong