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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your help in what to do-housing situation

93 replies

Miladamermalada · 06/06/2018 22:28

First time post here.
I'm posting for traffic and hoping for some advice.
I am two years out of DV relationship-we are allowed no contact with my ex husband, my children are still in therapy. I have been under the perinatal mental health team due to having a baby, and am only just putting one foot in front of the other.
We live in a two bedroom house, owned. It is all I can afford.
I have four children, the last was in order that I wouldn't be able to leave but I did.
I have two teenage sons, a daughter aged 10 and a baby girl.
I have partitioned the master bedroom and currently the boys have one half each for privacy. Me and the two girls share the other smaller bedroom, the baby in a cot. She is just sleeping through. I sleep in the bottom bunk and my 10 year old on top.
I am hoping to convert the attic bit by bit. But I have had to take considerable time out of my academic job, and given all the trauma, have packed my books and papers away into the loft. I have bought a sofa bed to try and get some space but the older boys want the best of both worlds, to have the chance to stay up to watch TV downstairs, but also their own rooms.
I have given them lovely rooms, all they need, but have unwittingly written myself out of my own life-I have no clothes, no makeup, no things. I haven't existed except to survive. I am realising I need to move on by doing the things which are needed to be a basic human being. One of these I think is having my own bed and a door to close. I have no space from the children and nowhere to go, wherever I am in the house they are there.

I am posting for traffic really to ask if it is ok to put the boys together? They are highly against the idea and I am aversive to aggression of any form but I am the parent and now I am about to go back to work I need somewhere to put my books, to buy some clothes and put them in a drawer.

I'd appreciate advice from anyone who has been through the other side of an abusive marriage and managed to walk again.

Many thanks.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 07/06/2018 07:31

I would explore every possible option of extending. A built-on extension might cost less than a loft conversion, and borrowing is still relatively cheap.

You've all been through such a lot, and you deserve your own room! Flowers

Summerisdone · 07/06/2018 07:33

I think the boys should have to lump it and share so you can have some space if your own. I never had my own room the age of 6 when my mum had my sis, and it honestly did neither of us any harm... the occasional bickering and moaning about each other's stuff in the way, but siblings are always going to find something to bicker about tbh.

Alternatively you could turn the living room into a bedroom for yourself, but maybe have it so that if you all want to be able to spend time as a family in the evenings then they're welcome to come and join you in there, so long as they know not when you're out and also when you ask them to leave because you want your own space, then they do just that and can't argue about it.

cafenoirbiscuit · 07/06/2018 07:40

I’ve PM’d you x

Havabiscuit · 07/06/2018 07:41

What’s the financial situation? I’m not sure how much it would cost but could you make the loft into a mezzanine? You could put one of those space saver loft ladders up to it. Add a low bed ( or even mattress on the floor) all your books etc up there.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 07/06/2018 07:43

Ive no suggestions (I've got more DC than bedrooms) but I just want to say you are fabulous. You will be you again, Flowers

user139328237 · 07/06/2018 07:49

Of course they can't share if one has autism and is incontinent. At that age the autistic one needs a space of their own and equally the other one needs somewhere to get away from his brother. If the loft conversion is a possibility the girls will have to share and you take the other room and if not you need to find a way to be able to sleep in the living room.

harshbuttrue1980 · 07/06/2018 08:18

You said in your first post that having a door you can close and your own space was one of the basics of life, but you are considering taking away those "basics of life" from your boys? You have been through a trauma, but so have they. Kids didn't ask to be born. An autistic child shouldn't have to share a room just so his mother can have her own room

PoshPenny · 07/06/2018 08:42

I think you keep the boys as they are and you take over the sitting room as your bedroom and personal space. Maybe still with the baby for now. Can your kitchen become a communal living space, is there room for a table in there, however tiny? If the layout allows, could you look to extend the kitchen to provide more family space one day in the future? My daughters have always shared, they are in their 20's now. Not ideal and they do get fed up sometimes but we can't afford otherwise. Not fair your boys do better than the rest of you though, they will have to suck it up.

PoshPenny · 07/06/2018 08:48

Oh. Just seen your post re housing association and autism. I would investigate that option and see what the possibilities are there Thanks

kikashi · 07/06/2018 08:51

Long term getting the loft converted is a must. In the short term you must stand up to your son and tell him he has to vacate the lounge by x time and stick to it - it might be hell for a while but you have to break the pattern you are in. Also, I think your DD needs her space as she is being a people pleaser, a placater and needs to know she is equal to the boys. Can you have the baby with you in the lounge?
The boys can't share given their issues. If your son continues to be difficult offer him the choice - he can have the lounge and you his room if he won't accept a curfew.

Have you some landing space where you could have a wardrobe or chest of drawers? You could put the TV on top of a big chest of drawers in the lounge with your stuff in it. Do you have sufficient help/support with your autistic son? It must be so hard.

AnotherShirtRuined · 07/06/2018 08:56

I have nothing helpful to add but just wanted to say that you sound incredible and so, so brave to have come out of that horrible situation like you have. Your children are so lucky to have you and you are absolutely right, you deserve your own space. Not only for yourself - which in itself is a completely valid reason - but to allow you to be the best possible mum to your DC Flowers.

Queenofthestress · 07/06/2018 08:58

You would definitely be eligible for the family fund grant, takes 3 weeks to get through but can apply for thousands, I've done it myself

Fishface77 · 07/06/2018 09:03

Bloody hell op!
Nothing to add except your brilliant! Flowers

msmsms · 07/06/2018 09:14

Well done for getting you and your children away from abusive husband.

Sending courage.

Miladamermalada · 07/06/2018 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Miladamermalada · 07/06/2018 10:12

Oh and I'm meeting a friend for lunch and buying myself a mascara later Smile.

OP posts:
immortalmarble · 07/06/2018 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

kikashi · 07/06/2018 10:26

That sounds so tough. Can you get some respite care for your eldest or would there be funding for boarding school ( or is he in mainstream?). Sounds like you are running on empty and really need a break. Are you involved in any support groups?

You can only do the best you can in the circumstances you are in. You do need to put some of your needs foremost in order to be able to provide for everyone.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/06/2018 10:30

Oh my goodness. You poor woman. Flowers. You are an amazing person and you are doing an amazing job

You say there is no room to corden off in the living room. What about the kitchen? You have a large table in there. Could you ditch the table and put a small bedroom in its place. Ideally the space would be bigger but you only need the footprint of a bed and some space to open the door.

Did you say the house is Victorian? If so, then the walls are probably solid. If not and the living room and kitchen are adjacent to one another, you could nibble off a bit from there too.

As a comment, outsider looking in, i was going to say you are still treating males better than females and buying into misogyny. However, I totally understand why you’ve split your boys up and I think this is the right decision.

As for the anger from your ds, I hope the therapy will help longer term.

Rose459 · 07/06/2018 10:40

Not much advice OP but just wanted to say you’re doing amazing after everything you’ve been through physically and emotionally.

Is there a service you can access so you can get some restbite from your eldest? Do you have any friends or family who could spend the odd evening with him?

Melliegrantfirstlady · 07/06/2018 10:44

Can you erect a summer house in your garden?

Original poster
Miladamermalada · 07/06/2018 10:50

I know I sound harsh about my eldest but there it is the reality of knowing that you will never get a break, they will never see outside of their own needs. Probably, that him moving out at 18 and seeing the world will never happen and I have him here until I die with no break. He's exceptionally bright and perfect at school for the rules. I got him a boarding school place, he left after a month as he couldn't cope with the move and was highly distressed and couldn't communicate with anyone-he didn't talk for a week.
He goes to the local comp where he walks at the same time each day, arrives at the same time each day, eats the same for lunch each day, stays in through breaks and lunch on his own to work. They love him. It is when he comes home it can be horrible.
I have never had respite. I begged the junior school last year for a foster placement for them but they said there were no care needs ie they weren't being neglected.
I have friends but no family due to above reasons, I have moved a long way away. I am getting closer to my friends though.
I am wondering if my table may fit into the living room and put a small sofa in the kitchen as a living space, with a TV. So they eat dinner in the room, but can slob in the kitchen.
My angry ds is built that way but he still needs boundaries. He punched his sister the other day and we were going to a restaurant so I cancelled and we stayed home and he got no tablet. If he talks to me badly he is sent to bed. I will not have it. If he is nasty to his sister he is punished. He is quite fragile underneath his anger and becomes angry when he feels vulnerable or stupid.
My house is 1950 build. But small.

OP posts:
Original poster
Miladamermalada · 07/06/2018 10:51

I hadn't thought about a summer house but was going to get patio doors in the lounge and try to find a second hand conservatory. Even if it's freezing I could sleep in there with an electric blanket. I have a utility area but it is brick walled and cold, I don't think any human should live like that with no windows etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Miladamermalada · 07/06/2018 10:52

Café I can't find your pm sorry x

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 07/06/2018 10:56

Sending you lots of non-Mumsnetty hugs. You are a strong amazing women to survive all that.

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