Smacking children, when we were young

[Flatpackjackie]

Wasn't it normal to smack children until recent years?

As a child I was smacked every day. On the bottom, legs and head (on occasion the face).

I think it's absolutely right that it's no longer acceptable, but weren't we all smacked back then, by both parents?

I'm 38. I thought it was normal in every household in the 1980s and 90s.

I'm 38 too. I was smacked a lot, (although never on the head or face) but it wasn't the norm. I knew a lot of kids my age who were never smacked at all and some who were smacked much more rarely than me. I think it was the norm in the 50s and 60s, but was dying out by the time we were born in the 80s. My mum has recently taken to telling me I should smack my toddler. I won't let her spend time with my toddler unsupervised and this is one of the reasons why.

but they were the same ones coming to school in dirty uniforms, with no lunch and having special lessons/meetings with what i think now were social workers although didn't realise this at the time.

My family were very respectable to anyone looking in from the outside, but there was a lot of smacking in our house. It was all about appearances in my family. I know what you mean though - there were also a lot of kids in my school who were as you describe above.

I am 55. I was smacked by both parents. only ever with a hand, never an implement, and only ever on bum or back of legs, through clothes.

My DC were born late 80s/early 90s and we smacked them, but only until 7 or 8 yo. Amongst our peers it was normal. All my mum friends smacked their kids. We stopped doing it as they got older.

Fast forward and we had another child in 2007. Now we find smacking is no longer considered normal. I can't bear "naughty step" or similar so we did nothing. I didn't know any other way to parent.

DC1 to 4 would never have dared raising a hand to us. DC5 smacks us, bites, hits and is generally a PITA. I don't agree that hitting a child teaches them to hit because IME it is exactly the opposite.

I'm 41 and got smacked a few times as a small child (so in the late 70s & 80s). That was unusual though. Most friends said they never got smacked at all. One friend was smacked, hit and beaten by a belt and electrical cords regularly - that was definitely not 'normal'. Teachers got police involved - they said he'd done nothing illegal . I did get a few hard slaps across the face during teenage arguments - that definitely wasn't seen as normal by my friends, they were horrified when I told them.

I can recall my reception teacher smacking a couple of kids when they were particularly ill behaved - but that was very unusual and I don't recall any other teach smacking us ever. My father was a secondary teacher in the late 60s, 70s and 80s - they had a rota for who administered the corporal punishment at the end of each day! My father refused to be put on the rota as, despite not being anti smacking/corporal punishment per se, he did not wish to be physically chastising any child other than his own. He felt it should be the parents hitting their child if they got in trouble, not a random teacher who wasn't even there when the bad behaviour occurred (not sure what the logic there was, but that's what he said). Apparently if you were caned, it was never on the spot by the teacher in charge of the lesson. It was always by a different, impartial teacher who wouldn't get carried away due to anger and do it too hard or excessively. As a former teacher myself (in the 2000s) I find it hard to even imagine this happening.

I find it so mind boggling that smacking was ever considered to be okay. White handprints on red bums and being shaken stays with you forever IMO.

Almost 38, OP. My dad never hit me or my brother. My mum 'doesn't believe in smacking' but did the bulk of our care and 'slipped up' a very few times. My brother and I were both quite scared of my dad, but I've no idea why, he would just give us a stern talking to. Which we dreaded more than mum's because she was constantly talking at us!

I’m 34 and my sister is 35.

We were smacked all the time by our mum.

I'm in my 40s and was never smacked. I can only remember two of my peers being routinely smacked.

They came from families so dysfunctional that one of them started an abuse survivor group as an adult and the other one was removed into care as a teenager.

There were probably others, but I think it wasn't overly common among kids I knew.

Can I just say I utterly detest the way people have started using 'tap' when they mean smack (which itself if a euphemism for hit)? Hitting is hitting is hitting.

I beg to differ, if you were touching something you shouldn't be & I tapped your hand it would be totally different to if I smacked it - rest assured you'd definitely know the difference.

I'm 38 and I was routinely smacked on my bum and back of my legs by my mum (never my dad). I'd also get 'a clip round the ear' for being cheeky. My sister's dc are 20 ish and she smacked them , mine are pre schoolers and I would never even consider it. I know a couple who do smack their almost 5 year old though, I think sometimes parents do it but wouldn't ever say they did .

38 and was smacked at home and in school when I was naughty.

If you actually think it through logically it's horrific. If a child misbehaves you hit them. You actually hit them. However could anyone ever think this was acceptable. To hit a child. Just think about that. Hitting a child.

At best it's terrible parenting, the parent lacks the intelligence to discipline their child and teach them with their words and lead by example. At worst it's abuse and physical assault, depending how how hard you hit that child and where, as well as how in control you are when you're hitting that child.

Logically though, the shame people should feel that they have hit or do hit children should be overwhelming for them. However I doubt the type to do it feel that, they will always justify why they hit children. The highly immature. "Well everyone else did"kind of thing.

“Tap” is totally disingenuous I agree.

The whole point is that it is felt and it hurts at least somewhat, or how would it act as punishment/dissuading them from carrying on with a behaviour?

A ‘tap’ like I might tap a credit card on a coffee shop counter while waiting to make payment is not the level of force you inflict on a child you are punishing with force. It’s a gross way of trying to play down what is actually going on with sanitised language.

I was smacked in school too, by a nun. Another child had kicked me under the table so I told the teacher, they got a smack for kicking , I got one for telling tales.

I'm 38. I thought it was normal in every household in the 1980s and 90s

I'm the same age as you. I was never smacked.

I'm in late 20s and was smacked/slapped, it was only ever by my mum, she had a very nasty temper and would turn suddenly and if you didn't notice her mood change something as simple as not putting shoes on fast enough could end up with us getting hit, she would go over the top and we'd end up with split lips or bad marks.
She didn't have a good childhood so I guess it was just normal for her because it was done to her.

It wasn't until I was a bit older that I realised it wasn't the same for everyone else.

I was at school in the 70s and 80s - teachers could smack you (but didn't smack me as I was well behaved at school) and in primary school they used a slipper/plimsoll and at my secondary school they had a cane but it was rare that it got used.
My parents did smack us and usually on the bottom. No implements (I know there aren't really degrees but I tend to think that implies premeditation rather than heat of the moment - I certainly wouldn't premeditate shouting at my children for example - I get carried away and shout or I don't shout - I don't think - ooh let's wait till we get home and then I'll give them such a yelling at).
I have seen the odd parent smack their child in the street these days and again on the bottom, no implement. I assume they do at home too and do similar.

I think it's not exactly going to help (!) to put it mildly but I can see how it happens with frazzled parents given how stressful it is to have a child hit you/pinch you/hit their sibling/throw something heavy at you (I have one child that does all of those). When people are stressed and have just been attacked, they do react badly.

I've also shouted really loudly at my DS in particular for doing something dangerous that didn't hurt me (hiding at the park, or climbing into the front of the car and fiddling with things) but those have made me react a bit differently IYSWIM - very cross and scared but not actually attacked or fearful for myself (he's only 6 but can throw heavy, hard things very very hard, including from a height).

I don't condemn a parent who's been attacked themselves for lashing out in fear/anger and I think that this should be talked about more instead of just saying "how awful, don't do it".

There's very little out there for parents who are struggling with angry reactions other than "get some help" (what help?) or "don't do it" or "don't let your DH near the children if he's going to be angry".

I am 31 and was smacked all the time by my mother.

I was smack once by my father, and cause he never did it before, it hurt more.

Like my mother smacked me that much that it was normal. My dad never did, but the one time I was that naughty he smacked my calves, and I still remember it.

I will never smack my children like my mother did to me. I would never hurt them. I will "smack" there hand away from something if they are going to get hurt etc.

“Tap” is totally disingenuous I agree.

This could be an accurate description of what you might do to make a toddler attend - tap them on the hand or on a well-nappied bottom, if they aren't looking at you and aren't responding when you call their name.
I agree it's not the right word for a smack!

I'm late 30s and was smacked regularly by both parents. Remember others getting the ruler in school

If you actually think it through logically it's horrific. If a child misbehaves you hit them. You actually hit them. However could anyone ever think this was acceptable. To hit a child. Just think about that. Hitting a child.

While at one level I totally agree, this is not very helpful at another level. There are parents that do this, that are at the end of their tether, and telling them "this is so wrong I can't even tell you how wrong it is and you MUST STOP NOW" is not helpful.

It needs to be something that parents can own up to happening and be given help to stop.

I know that almost every parent sometimes shouts at their child yet hardly any will own up to it and most will avoid doing it in public. So nobody talks about it or helps parents not to do it.

I'm 32, my oldest brother is 37, and we were never smacked, at home or at school.

White handprints on red bums and being shaken stays with you forever IMO.
We were smacked but never hard enough to leave a mark and we certainly weren't shaken.
Reading this thread there seems to be 3 types of parent from the old days;

1. The ones that didn't smack at all.
2. The ones that gave you a smack bottom occasionally when you were very naughty but it had no lasting damage, you knew you were still loved.
3. The parents that totally lost control or did it out of spite etc. These ones seem to have the grown up children who have gone NC with them.

I agree with the pp about lack of discipline these days, some of the brats you see could do with a smack bottom. Only slightly joking.

Pickwick I do agree and mine were type 2.
These days the equivalent would probably give you a huge shouting at/take away your tablet for a week.
I remember one single occasion when my DM was so angry with my DB that she waited till we got home and smacked him - and that was very very memorable for it not being an immediate and vanishingly rare occurrence.

For me the equivalent would be telling my DCs off again/shouting again when we got home after having already told them they were behaving badly/dangerously out and about. I so rarely do this (what's at school stays at school etc.) that hopefully it would stick in their minds.

There was a book written in the 80's arguing against physical punishment. As well as noting that many parents saw it not just as a right, but as their duty to hit their children (I remember my mum saying "otherwise I'd be a bad mother"), the book also said:

"Our language has developed a remarkable vocabulary to cover hitting children: smacking, slapping, spanking, clipping, clouting, walloping, thrashing, beating, slippering, six of the best, tanning, tapping..."

It says a lot about how entrenched smacking of children used to be.

I'm 35. I was smacked quite a lot. It got worse as I got older. None of my friends ever told me that they were smacked.

I was smacked on the back of my bare legs so hard that my dad's handprint was left with a white raised outline. The youngest I remember that happening I was 5 or 6.

I was hit with a hairbrush around the head by my mum if I squirmed having my hair done.

I was slapped around the face for back chatting by both.

I had my face squeezed so hard that my teeth cut into the sides of my mouth by my mum.

My sister was headbutted by my dad because she was rude to him.

My other sister had a dinner plate thrown at her head.

Another sister had her head pushed into the floor repeatedly during an argument.

It happened probably every week to one of us until I was about 16. Always as a punishment for a bad attitude or disrespect. Eventually, the police were called (by my parents because we ran out of the house to get away from them.) The police were very sympathetic to my parents and social services questioned me. They told me I was lying because my dad said I was and my mum agreed and that was the end of that. I left home. This was in 1999.

To this day my parents don't admit they did anything more than tap us when we did something dangerous like trying to touch a hot oven. Apparently, times were different then. Sometimes my mum talks about how she had no idea how to parent and she just did what her parents did etc. She blames my dad a lot. She likes to tell me that I'm lucky I don't have to smack because I have the internet to help me

I don't understand at all. I think smacking (or worse) is only ever used to release an adults frustration or anger. It has never been an effective method of discipline. I'm so glad it is becoming socially unacceptable.