To ask if you think it’s selfish to have a baby using donor sperm?

[thenightwontchange]

Considering this for me but can’t work out if it’s selfish or not. Welcome honest views!

It isn't selfish and the children have plenty of male role models, you just need to find them. It's hard work bringing up a child alone, but donor conception isn't as unusual as you might think.

I've cared for donor-conceived children. I work with my DH and we were deliberately chosen so that he would be a male role model.

This support site may be helpful if you haven't already seen it:

www.dcnetwork.org

Of course it's selfish. As is anyone having a baby. Who's it for otherwise? The baby didn't ask to be born. The planet gets more fucked. No one else cares.

We are all doing it for ourselves. I did. Why should I stop you?

No. Go for it. Have seen a distant friend do this and from what I hear is blissfully happy. She does have family support and a great career to return to which probably makes it easier.
Why should you miss out (if it's what you want)?

It's no more selfish than having children in a relationship. As long as you can love, care and afford a child then go for it. I have a friend who has has had all her children this way, all with the same male, privately and they keep in contact so the kids can choose to meet him if they wish in later life. That way they know both sides of their dna.

No. It's not selfish.

I don't know my father and I've never felt like I've missed out because the family I have have always been strong loving a supportive. Where my 'sperm' DNA came from is irrelevant. Women/ couples who chose to go down this line are brave and have very wanted and loved children.

thirdly because there are thousands upon thousands of children waiting for adoptive homes who are currently stagnating in the care system.

Do you have children? How many did you adopt before TTC if so?

From the IVF thread - multiple responses to the 'why don't you just adopt' comments

(these are about infertile couples - try being a lone parent facing all the below):

"Adoption is about giving a child a home, not an infertile couple a child

Reasons why infertile couples have been rejected as adopters

Too old
Not the right ethnicity
Not the right religion
Don't already have children
Self employed
Both partners work
Rent not own
Have debt
Any current or previous mental health issues
Any current or previous physical health issues
Have a dog
Difficult childhood
No family close by
Not enough outside space
Not enough bedrooms
Any previous relationship issues

Most parents wouldn't get approved to adopt their own children!

A friend is going through the adoption process and most of the couples in her cohort have dropped out because the process of being torn to shreds by social workers was so emotionally gruelling

Also you can't adopt and be TTC at the same time so by the time you've given up the dream of a birth child you might well be too old to adopt

The support given to adopters is woeful and the number of adoptions that break down is heartbreaking"

"The children most likely in need of homes are often disabled children and sibling groups. They will likely have suffered years of abuse and neglect. They are likely to be traumatised, with lifetime issues. They will almost certainly have attachment disorder.

A couple who has not been able to have any children of their own might be ill equipped to deal with children who fit into these categories, so any adoption agency would hesitate."

"I wish I could take every ignoramus who thinks all these children are sitting waiting around to be adopted by infertile couples and bash their heads into the offices that deal with adoption.

There's so much red tape and bloody good reason why those coping with infertility have to wait before even thinking of this route - adopted children are not the answer for infertility

Very very strong stable parents with great support networks who are able to cope with very complex needs are the answer to adopted children

In this country there's not even that many kids! I think when I considered if I could there was about 6 kids in my borough and about 50 prospective parents in the room learning about the adoption process.

I quickly realised I couldn't meet the children in questions complex medical needs... many parents terminate if aware of complex medical conditions. It's just totally incomparable"

I love all these comments ‘they should adopt’. Unlike the quick shag around the corner from the chippy, being approved to adopt is a long and drawn out (and not guaranteed) way to have children. As an adopted child myself, who had infertility, unless you’ve been there, either adopted or with fertility problems you really are speaking from a place of no knowledge.

"I used to work with a chap who was turned down for adoption; he would have made the most lovely dad. His wife was lovely too. Seemed no rhyme nor reason behind the decision; they could have offered a fabulous home and life for a child.

"Adoption is not what it used to be 50+ years ago when women were forced to give perfectly healthy babies up for adoption as they were unmarried or didn’t have the money. Legal abortion, the morning after pill, generally better sexual education and the fact that single motherhood isn’t stigmatised has completely removed the option to simply adopt an unwanted but healthy child in this country. From what I found out when looking into it, the only real accessible option is fostering, and even then you get an older child, or a baby/child with serious issues related to drugs, alcohol or abuse. "

"Equally those who suggest adoption as the obvious choice for infertile couples are morons! The care system is in a state. Many chn in the system come with a set of complex needs and need to go to home which contains the specialised skills sets to support these chn. It’s not the 50s. The chn waiting to be adopted are toddlers and older chn who have frequently stayed in neglectful and abusive home situations for far too long often resulting in severe attachment issues. Vulnerable infertile couples are often not the right homes for these chn (some are) but that is why a heartbreaking large number of adoptions fail.

There are currently more people wanting to adopt than children requiring homes however if adoption before reproduction is to be encouraged then this should be for everyone not just those with fertility issues."

I love the imaginary Home for Unwanted Babies that exists in some people's minds on here - a lonely nursery full of thousands and thousands of rosy-cheeked newborns who are placed in cots awaiting the arrival of the childless couples who can pick one up at short notice, after filling in a simple questionnaire. Oh, those selfish infertile people, opting for endless rounds of intrusive IVF instead of picking up one of these poor unwanted babes!

I used a sperm donor and egg donor too. I have a very happy and well-adjusted child who knows how she was conceived. It's not selfish to want a child, it's a basic human need for lots of women. It can be hard work on your own but it's worth it. If it's something you really want then go for it. I'd have another if I could afford the treatment.

Did it
Love it
DGAF if anyone doesn't like it!
Go for it!

I know a single mum who used donor sperm to have a baby. She's a brilliant mum and has loads of support from her parents.

Not selfish at all! As long as you have thought through the financial aspects and have a support network (or cash to pay carers) for when things go wrong - stuck at work, you're sick etc. Good luck!

It's a reasonable question OP. And one I asked myself before choosing to have my child via DS. So I did some research on actual studies taken before making my decision. The results are very reassuring, based on single mother by choice children vs heterosexual two parent children.

Quotes from the two linked below

There were no significant differences in emotional involvement or parental stress between family types.

There were no significant differences in the children's internal and external problem behaviour (well-being) between both family types.

The findings suggest that solo motherhood, in itself, does not result in psychological problems for children.

studies have consistently shown that children whose parents divorce are more likely to show emotional and behavioral problems than are children in intact families

Not intending to make those in divorced relationships feel bad about their situation, however it does show those that are saying it's an acceptable situation to be a divorced single parent but choosing to do it solo by choice is not, has actually not been proven to impact the child. In fact the opposite has. But we wouldn't force people to stay in relationships would we?

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/07/170705095332.ht

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4886836/

That's just two studies that came up on the first page of google. There are others out there.

Deciding to have a child is almost always a selfish decision, I imagine all prospective parents entering into a planned pregnancy believe that having a baby will enhance their lives or meet their needs (sometimes it may also be largely driven by a belief it will enhance the other prospective parents life or meet their needs too).

Personally I think deciding to have a child in non optimal circumstances is at least a bit problematic, and starting a family entirely on your own is to me very non optimal. For those of us who conceive easily it can be a lightly taken decision, more of a 'fuck it, it'll be OK' than a carefully planned and thought about choice, and that probably feels very unfair. It is unfair for those who are infertile or cannot carry to term or who don't meet the right partner in time. That doesn't to me mean it is right that children should be born and grow up knowing only half their family, with the risk that the one parent they have might die or become ill, be uncaring or just not a very good parent (just because you want a baby very much doesn't mean you will necessarily be a great parent). No known father means no known paternal grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc and these relationships can be very important to children. I see people dismissing identity as unimportant but lots of personality traits are inherited and understanding where you come from and how you fit into the world is very important to lots of people. Others have said that it's a good thing not to have the father involved because then the mother can make whatever decision she wants without discussion but I see that as a bad thing, it's good to have different viewpoints and perspectives as a parent surely otherwise the choices you might make could be poor ones. Sure the other parent might be a bad one, but so could you. I would have thought the chances of having at least one great parent were doubled with two parents (although I acknowledge that's true for the chances of a bad parent too).

Personally I think it’s fine, but I just wanted to share a story about my ex partner, who was conceived using donor sperm but had married parents (he wasn’t meant to know but was told by a sibling). When he found out, he had quite serious identity issues - he felt like he had come from nowhere, he had nothing to anchor him down. I don’t know if laws around anonymous sperm donors are different but I would hope that you can have at least some info about them. I think you’ll be a great mum but don’t underestimate the impact not knowing who your father is can have.

I think it absolutely your right to know who your parents are. So I would make sure you use sperm only from a country with a register. I think getting it from abroad where there is no chance in the future for the child to trace their father is unfair on them.

I have a friend who did this and is so glad she did, her son is 11 now... another woman we know we think has done this recently (as she has a baby and we're not aware she has any partner on the scene). I can totally understand doing it.

It would only be selfish if you are already in a relationship with another man and are doing it behind his back.

If you have good support from nearby relatives and friends, then it would probably be fine.

On the 3rd (Very difficult) day with our newborn I turned to my husband and asked "How do single women do this?" and he responded with "I was just wondering the same thing."

Even with not being single we still needed my MIL to help early on, mostly due to my mental health.

A good support system is important but it doesn't have to come from the father.

It is selfish. But then, so is creating any child in an overpopulated world to satisfy our own desires. Human beings are inherently selfish. We destroy animal and plant habitats for housing, burn fossil fuels for convenient travel, energy, heat and light, pollute the oceans, treat other animals like belongings to be bought, sold, experimented on, killed and eaten for our benefit... The list goes on. So yes, it's selfish, but in the grand scheme of selfish things people do it's not especially far up the list in my opinion.

nooka so a single person shouldn't have a child just incase they turn out to be a bad parent? What a load of rubbish. I think any parent who spends time thoroughly planning and considering bringing a child in to the world can only be a good parent as opposed to your 'fuck it, it'll be ok' attitude for those of you that can conceive easily. Kind of proven by your attitude in your post.

I take it you didn't read my post that was immediately before yours or any of the studies I linked.

shoutylady the issue with your ex was more damaging because he was lied to and wasn't meant to find out. I haven't time to source but with regards to impact on donor conceived children (and adoption can be included) it's usually the not telling but finding out later in life that's incredibly damaging. The betrayal from the people who you spent your whole life loving the most. DC Network and reputable clinics all encourage to start telling as young as possible. This issue is related to donor conception though and not a single parent issue.

I do agree with the UK regulation that all donors are non-anonymous and children can request the ID from 18 years old.

There is now a massive shortfall and a very long waiting list because of these anonymity laws now. In that regard, it’s backfired as the number of donors has reduced dramatically.